bye

pom,

i wonder what you are doing right now, are you thinking of me or you're still too tired to do that. are you with your friends, trying to act as if you are happy but deep inside you feel empty and you are still yearning for me (i hope). tell me cause tonight maybe if you answer that you might stop me from ending this... ending Hope.

tonight i am thinking about ceasing to write to you. i am tired of writing, i have come to the realization that my words are too weak to reach you. i have realized that they have lost thier power. i am thinking about giving you up.

once... not so long ago, i thought to myself that if i continued writing to you i might be able to reach you, through the sincerity of my words and the vulnerability i am feeling. i thought that when i write to you the letters, the words could somehow reach you. wishing that you would be able to hear my silent scream. i believed that if i continued to write i would be able to create a world where we can still be together, a perfect sanctuary just for the two of us.

but now i know that they can't. how could they if you won't let them?

tonight this will be the last letter that i shall write for you, the last time you are going to see your name in it. the last time i would blatantly show the world that every single word i create i offer to you. the last time i would write your name... the last.

and as i end this letter with a (.) put in mind that i am ending everything about us. i am letting you go... setting you free...

thank you, for every heartbeat, for every heartache, for every laughter, for every tear, thank you for all the firsts, thank you for all the lasts, thank you for all the hellos, thank you for all the good byes, thank you for all the lessons I shall never forget. Thank you I have grown more. I have lived more, I have loved more. You shall be forever remebered and cherished…

forever, thank you for Everything.

goodnight to you my love…

goodbye.

12/15/4/

8:55pm

blanket of memories

(the blanket i made when i first broke my heart, we once shared its warmth together...)

last night i laid my sea, a blanket of vivid colors, i have captured the shade of the sea, the apple, the orange, the pearl garland, the sea foam, the eggplant, and the sun, i knitted them down, seizedthe beauty of the world to make up this blanket of memory.

i made this after the first time i broke my heart, the needle and the thread became my friends, they have helped me mend my broken pieces. they helped me make a web of memories and life, the ones we shared together, and now i offer you this blanket of conncetion, the connection we made before you drifted away from me...

i am laying this down, a sea for you to sail again and reach me. look at the colors, how vibrant they are, how happy, but look... feel... deep down they are loud colors screaming the vasteness of my solituted and yearning for you.

tonight i rest my tired body atop of this web i created and stared at the stars, hoping to see Hope. little slits of light, specks of life from the dead of night. they are signs i have had since the day we became one. and now that we are no longer that single body i am waiting for the little specks to come down and bring me back Hope, Life and You again.

as i prayed and spoke my language of silence i gazed at the sky,
STOP! my heart froze! a sign! a saw another sign... what does that mean this time?
STOP! my heart froze Again!
STOP! my heart froze Once More!
i was hoping for One but he gave me Three...

until then i should wait for whatever those signs meant...

falling star

"Oh! I see my life clearly now: ... a passionate, frantic search.... I didn't know that that one could dream of death by metaphysical despair; sacrifice everything to the desire to know; live only to be saved. I didn't know that every system is an ardent, tormented thing, an effort of life, of being, a drama in the full sense of the word, and that it does not engage only the abstract intelligence. But I know it now, and that I can no longer do anything else" (July 28; pp. 133, 134; my trans. From Simone de Beauvoir’s diary).

Today I saw another sign from the heavens, a sign that there is still hope for the both of us, the very sign I am always waiting for, for me to be able to wish upon it to bring you Back to me. A falling white star, not an ordinary one, so far it has been the Longest Fall I’ve ever seen.

Longest fall, a friend told me that you should not “fall in love” instead you should “be in love” but for me “falling in love” is similar to the falling stars I see at night, the ones that give me hope, specks of light that slits the dark blanket of the sky. A star needs to fall (as a sacrifice) in order to show the people (who believe that they can grant wishes) that there’s still hope, despite the darkness, falling can bring light, a speck of hope illuminating the sadness of the oblivious blanket of black. Falling in love in a way is similar to it, you fall in love in order to show the one you love that your love is beyond any limit, a love that is pure and is willing to Sacrifice. A love that is greater than the darkness of the sky.

I have always been fascinated on how such wonderful things, stars falling down from heaven start out as a tragedy, a reality that never will that thing ever shine again, cause now it is just one of those tiny dust specks that your maid wipes on the window pane. It becomes nothing. But before their life ended they were able to bring joy and hope for the lonely gazers yearning for love and happiness. I believe that love is like that, an Ultimate Sacrifice for the Ultimate Love, you let yourself fall in order for you to show your beloved that you are willing to give all of yourself just to make him happy, just to give him hope to live.

I believe that I have fallen in love with you for me to be able to show you how loving and living should be. I am the star that you see at night, twinkling, one day I will fall for you to be able to see hope and happiness.

stars and hopes

I am the star

that you see at

night, twinkling,

one day I will fall

for you to be

able to see

hope and happiness.

brunette blanket of sadness

I am walking past the pavement of unfamiliar faces, staring at me with whispered praises, I am a Goddess once again.

As I reach my destination I rest my body, the solid rock gives me space to settle on, a space for me to breath, inside this dark dusty cave, of cobwebs and bats, past the green meadows of fresh faces, of flowers and such. I indulge myself inside; let the brunette blanket devour me, the Darkness has become my resting place. A space where I can hide myself from the people, a space where I’ll wait for you, a dwelling place of calmness despite the unknown. Let oblivion wrap its arms around me, before I forget how it is to exhale, to live and to love. Let Darkness embrace me, I am ready to forget.

12.13.2004

8:45pm

little mistakes, greater sacrifice

Little mistakes, Greater Sacrifice.

You have become

the Perfect Mother once again.

letter for my mom

I have given you yet another heartache. I have broken your heart for the millionth time. I am sorry. You don’t deserve it, you don’t deserve me.

Thank you for the love you give. Tonight I am longing for the warmth of your touch, the haven that gives comfort to your little baby’s tattered young heart.

You said that I have become the source of your strength ever since the day dad went to join Him. Yet I never cease to commit infantile mistakes that weakens you and disappoints you. I just want to thank you for teaching me that love is a wonderful gift, you have generously offered your life for me.

Little mistakes, Greater Sacrifice. You have become the Perfect Mother once again.

Mommy I feel feeble tonight, I am missing him and dad once again. Now I understand how lonely you are, you’re Great Love had to leave to join his Creator, now I understand how you are yearning for I too am traveling the pathway you are walking through.

Thank you for silently and tirelessly loving me, I will see you soon. I can’t wait to feel your love once again, to feel your warmth, to fell my little piece of heaven here on earth. I love you.

12.13.2004

5:30am

two men

the night has dawned on me once again, as I stare at the grayish pink sky I remember the two men I have lost.

The first man is the second source of my Being; he left me the day before the 19th year of my deliverance. His body finally gave up after sic years of battling with Death. The heavens have finally opened its door to welcome him. A place where he shall never suffer again, where he can finally rest in his Creator’s embrace. I am missing him everyday; my life shall never be the same again. I will never forever long for his embrace, his guidance, his words and his love. But I will love him more each day, each day my love will try and reach him, by the time I too shall join the Creator I will look for him, rub my forehead against his, the way we always did every morning, our silent greetings of good morning, I love you. Daddy wait for your baby to join you. Watch me as I gracefully venture the world; welcome me when the day comes for me to join Our Creator.

The second man is my First Everything. I set him free for I wanted to give him space to breath, a time to live, and a life to venture. I am longing for him everyday, ever since I’ve decided to love him from faraway. I will wait for him; I will always pray that he will find the road back to Me, back to his Home. The man who gave me the courage to live and the reason to learn how to be patient. The man that had opened my eyes, that have showed me how it is to care and how it is to be thankful for whatever god has given you. He was God’s instrument, the key that unlocked the door towards the pathway of love. He softened my stiffness, he brightened the darkness that has been my world, he gave me my emotions. Now I know I shall love him More each day.

The Two Men I’ve lost, are the reason I have gained.

12.13.4

5:20am

letter for my dad

Daddy,

Good morning, today I am hoping to be better, in a few days I will go back home, but it will never be the same again, you wouldn’t be there waiting for me anymore. No more welcome hugs and kisses from you and forehead rubbing every morning.

Every wall, very chair, every leaf and flower from your garden will remind me of you.

Everywhere I look, I shall always see you, I shall always smell you, I shall always feel you, I shall always love you, I shall always remember you.

When I feel the cold breeze brush my shoulders, I shall always smile for I know you came down to hug me and to feel my warmth. When the sun is alight, I shall smile, your eyes are glistening and watching my every step. When the rain is pouting, I should not weep, for again the heaven is torrential in giving me back little memories found at the back of each droplet, memories that will never leave me, memories of you love, of your life, of You my Dearest Dad.

Today I am missing you still, until we meet again, much love Dad, much love, I hope it reaches you.

12.13.4
4:50am

decompose

I told you, and I told myself that I would wait for you. But today I thought about giving up, giving You up.

I asked you how long should I wait, for tonight I felt like I could no longer hang into something that I could not grasp and you said that your return would not be this soon. Not yet.

I wonder how long should I wait then? Waiting for you left me stranded, stuck, I don’t know where else to go or when to start. I have learned so much from waiting, but today I have realized that I am back… losing the patience that I have gained through my loss…

I have lost so much of myself that I don’t know if I’d still have something to give you by the time you’re ready to come Back home. I am a home, neglected, no one there to take care of me, no one there to water my plants, to sweep the dust that came from the stars that fell at night, and to wipe the windowpane full of rusty memories, I am abandoned. I am a shelter that is decomposing, returning to the soil that it once was. Empty. I am scared that one day you wont be able to come back Home for I am no longer there to welcome you.

You have kept me hanging, now I am lost, and tired. You kept me waiting, never letting me stop. Why did you have to make me suffer like this? Until when shall I carry the unbearable vastness of this curse called Waiting? Until when shall I wait for You?

Tell me when, tell me when, tell me anything, anything at all. Tell me when and I’ll still wait.

chaching

last saturday me and the rest of chaching(that's what we call our clique, i don't know where it originated, hey don't mock us if it's cheesy... fine! we don't care anyway!:)) went to RCBC theatere to watch Merrily We Roll Along. becuase Nyx is in the production... he's part of the ensemble or he calls it the slash. (the reporter/party guy/////)

so first let me tell you something about chaching, it's a group of gods and goddesses who dreams to rule the world someday, it's Saree, Tina, Joe, Nyx and I. we were friends since forever. long before we knew how to wear make up, long before we knew how to smoke to drink to party and all those stuff that we do now.

Saree-is our wall, she is a soon-to-be-chef.

do you know the feeling when youre sad and you just want company, a friend who'd just be there to listen, won't say anyting, just listen and offer you a tissue or her shoulder when you feel like bursting all the ocean of tears inside your chest... that's saree... she's our (my) wall...

Tina-Joe's mommy turt.

do you watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s. well if you do, you know monica's place that's what her flat looks like, a sanctuary for the hungry people of chaching. she's the dancer of the group, the girl who's in love with love... or should i say she's already in love with somebody... well she's been my fone buddy eversince i've learned how to use the fone, we'd talk over the fone for several hours, talking about anything under the sun, sometimes we just hold the fone, not talking, both watching t.v.... and i love her family too! they consider me us thier (adopted) youngest daughter... much gratitude to the rosario family. :)

Joe-my boyfriend.

he was the first chaching i met, and after that we've been friends eversince... when did it start... 10 years ago? god! we're old! he's one of the most consistent friend i ever had, we've been separated and back but still he never forgets to keep in touch. he's like my soul brother, we don't exactly have a lot in common but when it comes to ridiculing people, hah! we're good! he's one of the people i can easily whip! and i love him for that. he treats me like a princess... of course chaching doesn't have a choice, i'm thier baby!

Nyx-my will.

you know will&grace... believe me tv shows happen in real life sometimes. hmm... i don't know if i fell in love with him, but the point is the day he told me he was gay i cried the entire day... do i need to say more? :) but don't worry he's become one of my bestest boyfriends. he was the one who brought me pom. he's the ARTISTA of chaching... he's the honeylips of rony... he's going to marry me one day only to get me pregnant and give him kids... :)

Me-the baby.

me the baby of chaching.

back to merrily, so we went to watch pom and nyx in merrily, you know what after watching the show, joe and i got really sad, the story was sad, it's about 3 friends, charly, mary and frank, they were good friends... they lived each others lives. then one day because of so many obstructions the connection between the three of them was crushed... then it never healed...

it's just sad that joe and i can see that its not impossible for us to end that way (i hope not) but come to think of it, there will come a time, when we have to live our own lives, separately...

but i am still hoping that the bond we've created would continue to tie us up together... love shall never be destroyed!

old friend

Hey, old friend,

Are you okay, old friend?

What do you say, old friend,

Are we or are we unique?

Time goes by,

Everything else keeps changing.

You and I,

We get continued next week.

Most friends fade Or they don't make the grade.

New one's are quickly made

And in a pinch, sure, they'll do.

But us, old friend,

What's to discuss, old friend?

Here's to us — who's like us?

Damn few!

old friend

So, old friends,

Fill me in slow, old friends —

Start from hello, old friends,

I want the when, where and how.

Old friends do
Tend to become old habit —

Never knew How much I missed you till now.

Most friends fade Or they don't make the grade.

New ones are quickly made,

Some of them worth something, too.

But us, old friends —

What's to discuss, old friends? —

Tell you something:

Good friends point out your lies,

Whereas old friends live and let live.

old friend

Good friends like and advise,

Whereas old friends love and forgive.

And old friends let you go your own way —

Help you find your own way —

Let you off when you're wrong —

If you're wrong —

When you're wrong —

Right or wrong, the point is:

Old friends shouldn't care if you're wrong —

old friend

Right or wrong, the point is:

Old friends shouldn't care if you're wrong —

Should, but not for too long —

What's too long?

If you're wrong —

When you're wrong —

The thing is:

Old friends do leave their brands on you,

But old friends shouldn't compete.

Old friends don't make demands on you — Should make demands on you —

Well, don't make demands you can't meet.

Well, what's the Point of demands you can meet?

Well, there's a

Time for demands,

Whether you meet them or not …

old friend

Hey, old friends,

How do we stay old friends?

Who is to say, old friends,

How an old friendship survives?

One day chums Having a laugh a minute,

One day comes

And they're a part of your lives.

New friends pour

Through the revolving door —

Maybe there's one that's more.

If you find one, that'll do.

But us, old friends,

What's to discuss, old friends?

Here's to us!

Who's like us?

old friend

Two old friends,

Fewer won't do, old friends —

Gotta have two old friends

Helping you balance along:

One upbraids you

For your faults and fancies,

One persuades you

That the other one's wrong.

old friend

Most friends fade

Or they don't make the grade.

New ones are quickly made,

Perfect as long as they're new.

But us, old friends,

What's to discuss, old friends?

old friend

Here's to us!

Who's like us?

Damn few!

sucking the grey

as i sit under this big dark umbrella
of this popular metropolitan cafe
an image of
my heart i imagine,
cold black steel
chair, i compare it to,
the one i am using right now
as i try to rest my body
tired from waiting.

you have crossed
my mind once
again, it left
another scar,
blood rushing, like
droplets of
water after the thunder
had slit the dark sky.
like pouring sorrow
down the dusty
urban roads, thick
mud begins to form.

as thick as the time and
space that obstructs us to
be together.

unfamiliar faces surround me,
they are strangers but
we share something in
common, the grey
smoke that comes out
of our mouths
after sucking the bitter
sweet comfort th cigarette gives
something you cling to
especially on days
such as this one.

12/12/4
9:42 pm

curves over stiffness

mula sa wika ng isang pemenista:

ang mga kurba sa hubog ng babae ang siyang nagpapalambot sa katigasan ng mga kalalakihan.

(Painting Title: Curves Over Stiffness)

scarring the pages

I am writing to you once again, I have realized that my words just keeps on flowing just like my tears. I know you don’t like reading as much as you don’t want me to cry over you, but I just can’t help it. I would die if I’d stop reaching you, I’d go numb if I’d stop crying or feeling…

Nobody could understand me except for these empty pages I scar every night with the sharpness of my pen and the vastness of my emotions. This empty space where I create my own world, where I could just pour out my sorrows, my endeavors, the only thing who’d just be silent and hear me scream.

I have so many thoughts inside my head, emotions that has been marring me since the day I have left you. Nobody can save me except for God I know, but I also know that you can help me out of this oblivion, I know cause you’re the one who broke me.

I am here, my scar open; fill it up before it’s too late. Hear me cry under the blanket of darkness, reach my hand before I drown under the sea of void. Love me again before I forget how to love in return…

on the hook

You were singing
Your songs of passion: no longer i.
Gazing at the dark
Streets, dressed
With dust and asphalt
Unaware
That I was watching you
From faraway.
I have loved you from the beginning
Like the day the
Sun molded the beautiful
People of our Malayan race.

Still I am gazing at you
Until I caught you
Like a fish
Drawn by the tempting
Juice of the worm
On the hook. You come closer,
Closer. Beside me you
Sat, you ate me up,
Instantly no questions asked
No marinating, no preparation
You ate me up
With such hunger
Savagely consuming me.

And now I am churned
Inside your stomach
Your big intestine
Your small intestine
Marring me
I am destroyed, tattered
Oh why my love
How can you break me twice,
Twice and
Counting….

12/7/4
7:07pm (A few minutes before I saw you singing you songs of passion down the dark dusty outskirts of Katipunan.)

7:30

And yes I am writing to you once again. I can never cease to write, I know it is the only way I could enter your world, the only way I can hold your hand, feel your arms around me, feel your love and life. I hope my words would travel the rusty trails of this urban jungle we are in, to run through the obstructions of dusty streets and cold walls between us.

I am sitting here in this green wicker chair at Starbucks, with friends I have met long before I knew you. Long before I knew love. We are laughing, yet I do not feel the joy, we are talking yet I am making no sense, we are remembering yet there is no other memory but you. My thoughts seem to trail back to you, every detail of this tile-covered floor to the second table for two at the edge of this pavement where we sat and gazed at each other, not so long ago. An apparition of you I create, your dark waves as calm as the ocean during the night, your favorite red shirt, oh how you loved red, and now I can only imagine blood ripping through my skin, your eyes, those tiny slits on your face, retracing that Asian roots you got from your Mom, oh I remember how adorable she was. Patient, waiting for love, but never losing hope.

Then I look around, wishing to see your face… to bad hun… classes ends at 7:30.
12/7/4 4:46pm

mixed

I woke up this morning realizing that I am wasting each day without you. My hands are stiff my eyes are swollen from gazing at the stars intently. My feet are tattered, scars everywhere, for days I have been traveling every road I can see, wishing that would be the path back to you. Even my head, its been constantly nostalgic I think it is breaking down.

I wonder if you are feeling this way too. I don’t think so for I have always known that you are the stronger one, in our yin and yang cycle. You always have vitamins a, b, and c to keep you standing. (you always make me drink those stuff… perhaps one day I would abide). But I even stopped eating my love, wishing the pain I feel inside my stomach could replace the intolerable loss I am feeling. I have been constantly drowning my self outside the unfamiliar blocks of the streets, join queer laughter as I pass by this cheap reggae bar, so many compliments, I used to love them but tonight all I want to do is gather them and place it inside a garbage back and just throw it all out. A compliment wouldn’t be treasured if it weren’t from you.

specks

As I sit underneath the dark bushes of this acacia tree, I feel the wind stroke my skin gently. I feel so alone yet I no longer feel the sadness, perhaps it is because I have learned to appreciate the Love that surrounds me in Any Form, in any day, in any time. It is always there and it shall never leave me.

Then gently the stars came down to kiss the bushes of this tree on top of me, the glow illuminating from them brought warmth and comfort. I think love does that to us, it gives us warmth and comfort. It keeps us warm and we start to live again, once we realize that. The cold wind suddenly became warm and it wrapped me, (like the sarong I run to when I feel cold) with such security I could not ask for more.

As I sit silently still just staring at the people around me, I am wishing that all is good for them. For I believe that nobody should mourn too much for they might get stranded and live in oblivion.

As I look up at the urban roof I see no stars, and as I gazed deeper I saw them down here inside my heart. And I smiled; I have realized that after my doom I have learned to appreciate so many things. He is walking with me like my shadow I cherish deeply, watching over me. And now I know that I shall never feel alone anymore.

Look around you. Learn to see the things I can see. Love and live. Break your heart and heal again, after that you will never be the same, ever again. Then after that… smile… smile for you have grown.

And as I end this letter, I look at the sky once again, and I see tiny specks of green and yellow, illuminating, vibrantly scarring the darkness enveloping the heavens. Look up hun, wait for the stars to break the darkness, then look down, deep down in your heart, and you will see me smiling. Smiling for you have grown my love. Come back to me and let’s savor the perfection of eternity. Together once Again.


12/7/4

2:00 am

pouring urban

This afternoon I danced under the rain, I felt the droplets, trickling down my skin. And I remembered you. Do you still think of me when the water engulfs you? How we used to savor every moment together in it’s cold embrace, yet we do not feel cold, we become warmer, warmer, warm.

I sat under the pouring urban sky, I looked up and saw god smiling down at me, for I have finally realized that I can find Love in Any From. I have learned so many things. I am a lady now. Clothed in a beautifully beaded black dress, with pink pearl garlands on my head, and I am smiling.

Love has clothed me with such finery I could not help but be grateful. The space hindering us to be together Again is a sign that I should learn more, more for me to be able to bridge the gap between us. Learn more so that the nest time I see you (both of us would be different by then, it will never ever be the same…) you will see that I have grown more, I will love you more, and you shall never let me go Again.

12/5/4
7:50 pm

the mermaid under the dark ocean waves

the mermaid under the dark ocean waves

...you will find the glowing mermaid in pink pearl garlands...

swim deeper, feel the love that radiates from her...

feel...

love...

and live again...

open

now i am open

waiting for you to fill me up again

unbreak me

wash me with the purest waters

heal the scar you have left

undone

this is a painting i made out of yearning...

no final touches, no date created.

no ending...

hanging...

...

...

...

i believe that this is our story i have painted down.

i hope to see no ending. i am hoping, longing, and Waiting for you to come back HOME.

i will continue to love you from far away...

until then...

i love you...

masquerade

wear a mask my dear...

the people are staring...

cover your emotions...

strike up a pose...

do not let them enter your real world...

hush...

make way...

i am in for the masquerade...

after love

Memorizing every contour
Of your face
Trying to remember
Every line,
Every inch of you.
Later
We would kiss
Again.
Till we fill each
Others warmth
Serenely aflame
Inside of me
Inside of you.
Creating an outburst
Of frenzy
And reality.

Heavy breathing,
Later
Heavy hearts.
You try and look for
Something inside me.
Try to apologize
Hoping to
Undo
What has been done.
I stare at nothingness
Aiming to figure out,
What is wrong and
What is right, in love.
Struggling to recover
From the fire
Caused by our bodies.
Like ashes
Carried
As the wind blows.
We become drifters,
Strangers.

And as I watch you leave,
I remember
The joy, we shared.
And wonder, does
Love
After experiencing
Happiness, unity and beauty
Always have to end
With regret, Pain and emptiness?

July 20, 2004
2:18 A.M.

drought

like a forgotten river
i am slowly
drying out
each dry earth
cracking up like open mouths
waiting for raindrops
to fill it up
again

i once
soaked
with love of water
so clear
like tiny hands
each droplet trickling down
my skin
caressing me
each with a promise
of forever

but now
the trickling
of water has waned
until one day no more
came to visit

outside your door

last night i went to my love's domicile. i knocked on his door, nobody answered. he wasn't there.

so i sat on the floor next to his door and Wait. i wrote him a letter, Again. i told him that i was waiting for him to come back home. then i tore the letter off my notebook together with all the letters i was so scared to give him.(after that night i was able to give it to him... finally) then my fone rang, it was him. he told me he'd be there in a while. so i Waited. (then i just realized that what is actually happening to us is exactly the same thing that is happening with our relationship... me waiting for him to come back home to me, first he wasn't there then finally he was the one who asked where i am, not knowing that i never left his door, waiting for him to let me in, Again.)

he saw me sitting on the floor, we went inside his house. we talked. but didn't talk about us. then i told him that i'd be leaving in a while... then he asked me if i wanted to stay cause it was kinda late... then i said no (but at the back of my head of course i did want to sleep beside him... be next to him... feel his warmth once again...) then when i was about to get my stuff he asked me if i could stay a little longer, and have a smoke. but we didn't have any cigarette so i said i should really go now, so i kissed him on the cheeck (but if i was braver i would've kissed him on the lips, to let him feel how much i missed him, how much i long for him) then he hugged me. as i was walking to the door he asked me again if i wanted to sleep over, and so finally i said yes.

then he fixed the bed. went to the shower and bathed. as he was doing that i was copying the poem he wrote, about two cigarettes. then after that i laid on the bed... i woke up when he pulled the blanket i was using and went under it too. we were resting side by side (like we used to) but there was a pillow in the middle.

so i gathered all my guts and held his hand, he held it tighter. then we embraced. then all our memories together went gushing inside my head. i was so happy to be next to him Again i wanted to cry. then later he kissed me. i kissed him back. i didn't care if what we're doing was wrong. all i know is that i love him and i want to be close to him. if i could only freeze that moment. be with him forever.

then before i left we both asked a hanging question about Us. still no answer... still no closure... and so still there's hope for the both of us... i wish...

black

look at the heart of the girl...

black...

frozen...

inside your heart

when it rains and you can't see the moon or a single star in heaven... look down in your heart they are just trying to reach for you...

and i smile... look down inside my heart and i see you...

much love from the mermaid under the dark ocean waves...

US together again

It’s 3:00 in the morning. I should be sleeping by now. I remember, ever since the day I left you I forgot how to sleep. I would gaze at the stars and the moon… waiting for a miracle. An apparition perhaps, an image of you… US together again.

When my body gets tired of waiting, when the roosters start to crow, in between sleeping and waking, in between dark and light, in between loss an love, I put myself to sleep. Praying that I would dream of you… US together again.

As you delve deeper in your peaceful slumber… think of me… be with me… again.

And now my body is tired, I am slowly fading away. The visions in front of me are turning into vague images… vague images of you... US together again.

As my love grows stronger, my body gets weaker… and you stay a little bit farther.

goodnyt

Tonight before I close my eyes once again to enter a new dimension. I would like to thank Him for every blessing he has given me.

• The water that flowed the whole day, created and ocean in my heart, I am once again a mermaid swimming in the cold pacific glory of the earth.
  
• To the angel who spoke to me in silence, listening to my silent screams at night, for giving my space a whole lot of meaning once again. From now on my language would speak of love in Any form, and my love will always radiate, hoping to reach you again.
• To the man who loved me dearly once upon a time. Thank you for breaking me, the pieces of my heart are bleeding with such profound emotions, you have given my art meaning once more. Every tear I shed for you will always grow into an ocean, and in time I would be able to swim ashore and be with the mermaids, hoping you’d follow me there one day, and be with me in the sanctuary I have built for Us.
• And to my father, thank you for inspiring me to become a good person like you. I know you are watching over me (I know you always do) and loving me from far away, but I will always feel you inside my heart, never too far Daddy, never too far. Your little baby will always seek for your guidance; I will find you gazing down at me every night, in every star that I see.
• To You my Creator, for bringing out the essence in me. You are indeed the source of my being. In every battle that I took, I saw you standing by, watching me. In every strangers eye I see you, through the smiles of my friends I feel you, in every embrace form my family I love you.
  

So goodbye to the sun, goodnyt
Oh pain will be gone for a while
A whileGoodnyt.(BC)

in the morning i will greet you goodnight

Can you feel the cold breeze? Frozen inside my shell, folded like a fetus. Abandoned. I am crying tears of pink pearls, I am sad, for I yearn the warmth of your skin, your being, and your love.

I can never cease to write… through every word I utter in silence are tiny droplets of blood from my heart… yes… I am bleeding… and needing… You.

I wonder if you feel the same abandonment, the same coldness, and the numbness, being frozen inside a shell, where no one can ever save you but yourself, and your love.

I can imagine you, sleeping in the comforts of your bed and your pillows. Wrap yourself up with a blanket I know you are cold. Feel my being in that fabric. Let me reach you through the thick comforts of that cloth… I will envelop you, and watch you in your deep slumber. Dream of me… let us love each other once again… even if it is only in dreams that we could be together again…

So sleep tight, stay in that serene slumber… rest your heart. Let us meet inside your heart once again… goodnight…

the darker... the warmer...

Today I woke up and the heaven is pouring heavily. I guess when it rains, that is the time when the heavens can no longer carry the tears it absorbed during those nights when the once loved and the once loving shed tears of despair and yearning… cold droplets of sorrow, the same feeling that the crying soul had felt during those empty nights alone, by herself, without anybody beside her to give her warmth just the glow of the moon and the twinkling stars…

Coldness it gets through your bones and makes you numb. I have realized that I am now numb. Numb by the trauma about the reality of living and leaving… I would protect myself from the bitter sting of coldness by wrapping myself with colorful sarongs of pink, purple, yellow and blue…

Sarongs, for me are like the warm ocean waves under the sun… not too cold… not too hot… just right for me… perfect…

Today is colder than any other day… my hands and my feet are turning blue… perhaps my heart too… frozen inside, no warmth, no love, just leaving and dying.

I miss the sun, the sun that makes me feel beautiful and alive, no matter what. I miss the way it caresses my skin, the bronze effect on me… oh how lovely thy skin! My shadow, the most wonderful gift from the sun… the brighter the sun shines the darker the shadows are, heavier… filling up the space beside me, filling up the space inside me…

Today I am missing you, missing love, missing warmth, and missing My Sun.

goodbye to the angel in silence

the angel that watched me silently from a far is leaving... to join the others in thier flight to the abyss of unending joy... she who once shared with me the glory of the Unspoken word will now remain in silence...

i found her talking to me inside the blank screen that provided me with space in which i can speak my language of silence... for once, somebody stopped and heard my scream in silence...

but tonight she had said her goodbye... no explantions, only tears... like the stranger she always was but i have always known... will fly in her beautiful white wings... i will miss her... i will always listen to her voice found in the air under the moon and the stars...

i know in time we will meet again...

i hope my love reaches her......my love found under the dark ocean waves...

you who heard my silent screams

the angel who heard my silent scream

better than chocolate

Lightness
Electric currents
Vibrating on her chest
An effect from the boy's kiss
Vivifying
The sanity in her
The love is just too real
Like the sweetness
From chocolates
But better
Still lingers in her mouth
Love so real
She could almost touch it
Enveloped in his arms
A sudden rush of happiness
Opens the door
To the splendid crown of love.

Swimming in Cycles and Circles

I love you. (I just needed to say that.)
I miss those times when I utter those three words and you can still hear them. Now that I am too far, too far, too far, can you still hear me?

As I lie on top of this cold sea foam, my hair swaying with the dark waves of the ocean, I can feel the full moon stare at me, with pity. Circle, cycle, circle, a new cycle, with out you. Actually the second, and counting… I am flowing, drifting in a new cycle alone. No friendly face to welcome me for I forced myself to dwell deeper into the ocean, alone. To hide from my loved once, for I only end up hurting them as they feel the heaviness of the burden I carry as I utter words of yearning and tears of longing. To hide from you, as I give you the space you need to find the path the led you to my heart once upon a time.

When you find the path once more, join me into this dwelling place I built only for the two of us. I am loving you from far away, yet I can’t help but cry out your name, wishing that you’d hear me from down here under the dark ocean waves, for I am yearning to be near you once more.

When I left you that night I went straight into the ocean, I let the current comfort me, calm me, and embrace me. For I feel fragile, like a starfish out of the sea, I yearn to be close to the waters, close to you, for the love we shared was an ocean, for a mermaid like me, it was what sustained my inner glory to swim out of the wilderness, free and beautiful. I am now living down here, in my dwelling place still not fit to be christened my sanctuary, for you are too far, too far, too far away from me.

I became the Goddess I’ve always dreamed of, but powerless, for you are not with me love, the source of my being. At the bottom of the blue waves I swim in circles, cycles, circles, cycles, circles, not knowing what to do, now that you are not with me.

I am wondering if you are still thinking of me, if you still love me, if you are longing to swim next to me, once again, but perhaps up there where the sun caresses your skin, ecstasy and reality comes forth to comfort you. And you realize that you no longer need the sanctuary I built for us. Like the sun that could never kiss the ocean for it would end up powerless, you run away because you know that up there is your Home.

But I will not lose hope; you can still be the moon that watches its beauty on the crystal cloth of the ocean. Until then my love I will wait for the ocean waves to bring you to me. Until then, until forever you will always have a place here in my abode of purple, yellow, and pink pearls, wherever you are, wherever you are, wherever you are, hear the echo of my heart. I will wait patiently. So swim, swim, swim… swim back to me. Love, love, love, love me once again. Love me forever.

11/27/4

4:00am

slipping inside the gray

I am stranded. I am lost, and floating. The night I left you until tonight, your memory still lingers. Hurting me, stronger by each day that comes. Haven’t seen you in a long while, I miss you.

Bring me another used shirt of yours. I like the way it smells. I like the way you smell. And now as I write to you I am wearing that old gray shirt you left a month ago. I wear it every night, after shedding tears of longing and regret I would slip into your shirt. I can still smell you, as if you never left. It comforts me a little. Knowing I still have something that could remind me of you.

I’ve been so unproductive lately. I know it’s wrong and I’ll try my best not to sloth anymore. But please promise me one thing, come back to me. I am tired of being alone. Again. Now that I have found my love I would do anything to have you back.

Can you hear me when I shout out your name at night in between the thick whisper of the wind and the salty river that streams down my cheek?

11/24/4
5:30 am

from the Little Lady in the Little Black Dress, in Little Black Mood

this happened the day after i broke up with pom(we went to radioactive sago's urban gulaman launch)... nerisa del carmen guevara... is a friend a sister and even a mom... she was my professor in my lierature and art appreciaiton classes... we became friends right after our first meeting in class and up until now we are still friends... she was one of the reasons why i am so in touched with my artistic side... she made me realize that i am an artist... and that i am beautiful no matter what... dreaming to be fashion icons and fashion designers one day... we share the same sanctuary... the sea... we are mermaids who are still in search for the perfect pearl palace... and the perfect merman to marry...

for me: "she of the dark winding curls. the cleft lip is beautiful no matter what."-nerisa del carmern guevara

Came from work and took my little baby curl with me to the launch. She had just broken up with her first love. At her apartment, I told her, dress in light and bright colors to fight that dark mood. I helped her into a white baby tee and a lilac boufant skirt, white snakeskin purse. Patted her wittle curly head and shoved her into a cab. (I believe, in retrospect, that breaking up with your first love is the most terrible event in anyone's life. Before that was childhood and the purest bliss. Then after that is an equally pure oblivion. Nothing is the same after that. Ever. It is the beginning of all endings to come.)

of grayish pink

as i slip my body
into your shirt
the shirt
you left at my heart
when you walked
out the door.
i remember
evrything
about you. love
of grayish pink.
the color
of loss and love.

that is all i have.
memories.
i will cherish
and keep them
locked
inside
my shell.

the only way
to be with you
is through
remebering

forgetting:
turning everything
into Darkness
remebering:
brings you
to life

Distance

the distance between us took your love away from me. when will you answer my loud shrieks in the whisper of silence? i am bound to fall deeper into the Darkness... when will you unbreak me?

a poem for you

the dark sky
is grey
once more.

dusk:
in between
dark and light

that is where
i am
stranded
in the middle
of letting go and
holding on

i stare back
at the sky
a burst of sunlight
is blinding me
eyes. swollen
from crying

hurt:
after staring
at the sun
meaning is lost
words untouched
walls
still cold
between
letting go
and moving on
i am cought
in between.

Birthday letter for my Dad

happy birthday! it's your first birthday with Him. i wonder how you celebrate birthdays up there. but i want to picture you as a young man, at the age of 30 perhaps. you're wearing a cool 70's outfit. i've always admired you in that brown checkered top and brown pants... oh and that brown beret too, exactly the way you looked on the photograph that mommy showed me a couple of months ago...

i bet you miss us too. but now that you are up there at the garden of God... where blue clean rivers flow... ( i can almost here the water gushing from down here) you miss us in a way only you could explain.

i miss the way you look pa, the way you stroll down our driveway everymorning. i miss the love that radiates from you.

mommy misses you so much. who could ever forget you Pa. you've been our angel here on earth, and even now that you're up there, you're still our angel.

much love pa, much love from all of us... especially from me... i hope it reaches you...

until then...

love,
ynna

november 25, 2004
8:30 pm

End

i made this letter right after breaking up with him...

Every beginning has its end and today is the end of that beginning. Exactly a year ago November 10, 2003 I met him at a friend’s house. It started out as a casual hi I’m Ynna and hi I’m Pom. After two days I totally fell for him, I couldn’t really say that I fell in love right at that moment but I know I fell for him. After two months we were on. It felt really great. The thing called love that everybody was talking about, I finally felt it. It was undeniably good, in fact it was more than good, it was great. Suddenly my whole world revolved around him. I have learned to care deeply for someone other than my self. And it was more satisfying to share that love with someone you know deserves it. It was a bumpy joy ride falling in love with him. It wasn’t a perfect relationship but I tried my best to take care of it. And I know that some way or another I succeeded. But he was right I’m not supposed to be the one to save him. And perhaps it is just right that we ended it now before its too late. Before neither of us can save our own life. The man that I love dearly, Pom is indeed a man that is so worthy to fight for, but I guess that’s not how he sees himself and I cannot do anything about it. He must first realize that he is worthy to be loved. I on my part could say that yes he is worthy to be loved, he deserves to be loved for he is such a wonderful person. But I am hoping that this end would change a whole lot about us. I am praying that in time when he is ready to come home, that we would be a better person stronger and more mature. I am not going to deny the fact that right at this moment I am not hoping that he’d come back to me. I am, and I will wait for him. I really love him and I hope he knows that I really do. I guess I’ve seen this coming, this end. And now as I enter a new life as I start a new day without him I am hoping that I would continue to grow into that beautiful woman that I know I should be. And after a while I hope he does grow too and then everything would turn into something beautiful again.

November 10, 2004
3:15 a.m.

Past

past. past tense. leaving... gone... as i write to you i realize all the words i scribble down talk about the past. words such as; said, smelled, looked, felt, and loved.

is that what you are to me? is that what you've become? are you my past, the one i used to share my life with? used to? have you become my life's shadow, that the only way i could see you is when i look back. are you not the same river i stepped on to once? will you be the one who should not be named?

if only i could choose, i would not say yes to all these questions. i am not losing hope, today i sat on God's lap, Alone. and i cried and i cried until i got tired. all He did was stare at me and then suddenly he embraced me tight. and that was all that i need. i may have lost you but i will never lose God, He will never leave me and so i know that i will never lose hope, i will never lose love. and if i'd continue hoping, if i'd continue loving, and if i'd continue believeing on love then maybe i will never lose you.