crush!

may crush ata ako!!!

• kaklase ko sa lit theory at translation.
  
• pangalawang ma na nia, una socio, tapos creative writing na ngayon...
  
• nagtuturo sia sa ust.
  
• matanda na sia mga 28-30 na pero d halata...
• hindi sia gwapo, hmm... hindi rin naman panget.
• hinahamon lagi pagkapemenista ko.
• nagkapalitan na kami ng number, para sa exhibit ng pedxing.
  

hay nakakakilig! kelangan ko na isulat, bago nanaman mawala etong kilig! hehehe

abo

"pagbalibaliktarin mo man ang mundo, tawagin mo man ng kung anu-ano, sa huling hantungan tao'y babalik pa rin sa pagka-abo."

isa nanamang rebelasiyon

hindi ko alam kong ano ba ang dumadaloy sa dugo ko at lagi nalang nangyayari sa akin. bakit ba ako malapit sa mga taong ladlad, tago, o nagpapanggap. masaya naman, at mahal ko rin naman kasi ang mga taong katulad ng nabanggit ko.
wala lang nakakatuwa lang isiping may isa nanamang taong nagtiwala at naglakas loob na umamin kung ano talaga siya.

pagod

• nakakatuwa pala magturo, lalo na pag matalino ang mag-aaral.
• at nakakasawa rin pala mag ingles...

sexy starlet effect

english teacher na ako! pwede na yun, stepping stone patungo sa mas matayog kong pangarap!!! (hahaha, sexy starlet ang effect diba?!)

stinks

"Nothing stinks like a pile of unpublished writing, which remark I guess shows I still don't have a pure motive (O-it's-such-fun-I-just-can't-stop-who-cares-if-it's-published-or-read) about writing.... I still want to see it finally ritualized in print." Sylvia Plath

PALIWANAG sa aking katanungan

napagusapan kasi namin ito ng friend ko nung isang araw eh, sabi nia pag sinagot mo raw yung tanong ng number 2, mas may katotohanan yun. aminin man natin sa hindi minsan "egocentric" talaga ang ugali natin pagdating sa love.

ewan ko sa iba, pero ako kasi, gagawin ko ang lahat, kahit na ayaw na nia, kahit isinusuka na ako ng taong mahal ko, kahit mukha na akong tanga hindi ko talaga titigilan, cge go parin ako! ang paliwanag: para in the end wala kang what ifs, at alam mo sa sarili mo na wala ka ng pag kukulang.

tapos dun ko narealize na, ginawa ko lang naman lahat yun kasi mas mahal ko ang sarili ko... bakit kamo? kasi, kung mas mahal ko yung manimahal ko, syempre susundin ko na kung ano man yung gusto niang ipagawa sa akin, like kung gusto niang tigilan ko na ang pangungulit cge d go titigilan ko na nga, pero hindi ko ginawa, minahal ko parin sia sa maaabot ng aking makakaya, kasi alam ko na pag tinigilan ko at sinunod ko sia hindi ako sasaya, so in short kahit ano mang katangahan ang nagawa ko, nagawa ko yun para sa sarili ko. para sa ikaliligayaha at ikakapanatag ng loob ko.

tapos ang sabi nung kaibigan ko, kaya cguro buo ka parin nakaalis, or buo parin ako pagkatapos nung relasyon namin, kasi in the end mas minahal ko pala ang saili ko....

**ewan ko kung paniniwalaan niyo ako, lalo na ang mga kaibigan kong nakasaksi kong paano ko hinarap ang buhay pagkatapos mangyari ng lahat... bahala na kayo, hindi ko naman kayo kinukumbinsing paniwalaan ako, nais ko lang ipamahagi ang napagmunihan ko. =)

KATANUNGAN pakisagot please

paano ka magmahal?
(ibase mo sa noon at ngayong mga relasiyon)

1. masmahal mo ang taong mahal mo kesa sa mahal mo ang sarili mo? Ipaliwanag ang sagot.
   
2. masmahal mo ang sarili mo kesa mahal mo ang taong mahal mo? Ipaliwanag ang sagot.
   

*patawarin ang d effective na pag play of words!

myth creature

You Are a Chimera

You are very outgoing and well connected to many people. Incredibly devoted to your family and friends, you find purpose in nurturing others. You are rarely alone, and you do best in the company of others. You are incredibly expressive, and people are sometimes overwhelmed by your strong emotions.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

art movement

You Are Expressionism

Moody, emotional, and even a bit angsty... you certainly know how to express your emotions. At times, you tend to lack perspective on your life, probably as a result of looking inward too much. This introspection does give you a flair for the dramatic. And it's even maybe made you cultivate some artistic talents! You have a true artist's temperament... which is a blessing and a curse.

What Art Movement Are You?

20's name

Your 1920's Name is:

Eddie Margarette

What's Your 1920's Name?

paint me!

Who Should Paint You: Andy Warhol

You've got an interested edge that would be reflected in any portrait You don't need any fancy paint techniques to stand out from the crowd!

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

blue heart

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well. You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return. Your flirting style: Friendly Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

minsan

minsan hindi mo na alam kong iiyakan mo o tatawanan mo nalang eh... minsan kasi nakakasawang malito. minsan nakakasawang magkaroon ng samo't saring paraan kung paano ka makakatakas. yung minsan gusto mo nalang na andiyan nalang sa iyong harapan ang dapat mong gawin, hindi minsan, madalas yun ang hiling. hanggang kelan kaya ako magtatago, hanggang kelan magwawala, magpapakawala, mawawala, ngunit hindi magiging kawalan. ewan wala nanamang saysay. ganito ang aking buhay, at ganito lang siguro ako ngaun... walang saysay.

infinte blabbers 5: paghuhulog

kanina sa translation class napagusapan namin na bukod sa pagsasalin meron pa pala tayong isa pang salita para sa translation, at yan ay ang paghuhulog. kung ihahambing ang ibig sabihin nito sa salitang ingles (fall) ay medyo negatibo ang dating. para maintindihan namin, sabi ni sir mike coroza isipin daw namin ang kwento ni juan tamad, na ayon sa kanya hinihintay ni juan ang paghulog na bayabas, na kung saan kaya inaantay ni juan ang bayabas ay dahil masustansiya ito.

sa madaling salita ang "hulog" ay hindi 100% negatibo. at bigla nalang naliwas ang usapan namin sa penomenolohikal na debate. ang argumento ni sir mike na hindi negatibo ang "hulog" na salita, kung titignan at susuriin natin, ay dahil, hindi ba sa pagkahulog natin nagmumula ang meaning o understanding natin. (argh! hindi ko na kayang magtagalog! jologs talaga ako magsulat!) anyway point is ang sabi niya na you first have to fall in order to find meaning. at nerelate nia ito sa buhay, na ang buhay naman talaga ay ganyan, na para maintindihan natin ang isang bagay o ang mismong buhay natin o kung ano man ang silbi ng buhay natin ang pinagmumulan muna nito ay pagkahulog. ang trials na nadanas mo... hindi ba nagpunga ng pagtuklas ng meaning ito sa buhay mo?

he said that life itself is a never ending process of translation. (kasi pinagdudukdukan nia, which i believe is right naman, na importante ang translation hindi lamang ito pangongopya at paglilipat sa ibang salita, isa itong mabusising pamamaraan ng pagpapalaganap ng sining at literatura) hindi lang naman salita ang isinasalin eh, ang ginagawa ko ngayon na pagsusulat tungkol sa mga saluobin ko at pananaw tungkol sa pagsasalin ay galing sa aking utak na sinasalin ko sa salita. (basta ganun! ang hirap magtagalog! sana walang magbabasa nito!) anyway ayun na nga gusto ko lang ibahagi ang mga natutunan ko kanina kay sir mike sa translation class. (kung sa tingin nio ay meron nga) marami pa akong thoughts pero antok na ako, umpisa lang to, kaya pag nakita niyo na nagpost uli ako tungkol sa paghuhulog wag niyo na basahin dahil nakita niyo naman na walang silbi pinagsusulat ko! hehehe kasi pagkatapos ko isulat binasa ko uli, at shiet! nakakahiya naman walang kwenta anyway read at your own risk nga ang ika ni nyx hehehe...

Sylvia Plath: The Bell Jar

• Don’t let thewicked city let you down.
• It’s comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no farther.
• If you expect nothing from someone you are never disappointed.
• What a man wants is a mate and what a woman wants is infinite security. What a man is is an arrow into the future and what a woman is is the place the arrow shoots off from.
• Stranding me in the middle of a huge silence.
• The instructions slid through my head like water, and then I’d always spoil what I did so nobody would ask me to do it again.
• I felt dreadfully inadequate. The trouble was, I had been inadequate all along, I simply hadn’t thought about it.
• I say myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I, sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.
• and think, dusty bottle-candles, that seemed for centuries to have wept their colored waxes red over blue over green in a fine, three-dimensional lace , cast a circle of light round each table where the faces floated, flushed and
  flamelike themselves.
• I couldn’t stand the idea of a woman having to have a single pure life and a man being
  able to have a double life, one pure and one not.
• I would catch sight of some flawless man off in the distance, but as soon as he moved
  closer I immediately say he wouldn’t to at all.
  

That’s one of the reasons I never wanted to get married.

The last thing I wanted was infinite security and to be the place an arrow shoots
from. I wanted change and excitement and to shoot off in all directions myself,
like the colored arrows from a Fourth of July rocket.

• Ever since I was small I loved feeling somebody comb my hair. It makes me go all sleepy and peaceful.
• I didn’t know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full.
• and with immense relief the salt tears and miserable noise that had been prowling around in me all morning burst out into the room.
• I didn’t really see why people should look at me.
  

Plenty of people looked queerer than I did.

• The air punched out my stomach.
  

All through June the writing course stretched before me like a bright safe bridge over the full gulf summer. Now I saw it totter and dissolve.

• My mother saidthe cure for thinking too much about yourself was helping somebody who was worse off than you.
• The only trouble was, Church, even the Catholic Church, didn’t take up the whole of your life. No matter how much you knelt and prayed, you still have to eat three meals a day and have a job and live in the world.
• I also hate people who ask cheerfully how you are when they know you’re feeling like
  hell and expect you to say “Fine”.
• it wouldn’t have made one scrap of difference to me, because wherever I sat-on the deck of a ship or at a street café in Paris or Bangkok-I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air.
• The air of the bell jar wadded round me
  and I couldn’t stir.
• The river water passed me by like an untouched drink.
• I was growing involved in spite of myself.
• I told him I believed in hell, and that
  certain people, like me, had to live in hell before they died, to make up for missing out on it after death, since they didn’t believe in life after death, and what each person believed happened to him when he died.
• I hated their visits, because I kept feeling the visitors measuring my fat and stringy hair against what I had been and what they wanted me to be, and I knew they went away confounded.
• the beaming double of my old self, specially designed to follow me and torment me.
• I was beginning toresign myself. If I was going to fall, I would hang on to my small comforts, at least, as long as I possibly could.
• All the heat and fear purged itself. i felt surprisingly at peace. the bell jar hung, suspended, a few feet above my head. i was open to the circulating air.
• Her thoughts were not my thoughts, nor her feelings my feelings, but we were close enough so that her thoughts and feelings seemed wry, black image of my own.
• Other times I wondered if she would continue to pop in at every crisis of my life to remind me of what i had been, and what i had been through, and carry on her separate but similar crisis under my nose.
• I was disappointed. i had thought i would have some revelation of specific evil.
• i am my own woman.

The next step was to find the proper sort of man.

• I couldn't possibly be a virgin any more. I smiled into the dar. i felt part of the great tradition.
• To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream. A bad dream. I remembered everything. Maybe forgetfulness, like a kind of sorrow, should numb and cover them. But they were part of me. They were my landscape.
• And of course I didn't know who would marry me now that I'd been where I had been. I didn't know at all.
• A time of darkness, despair, disillusion-black only as the inferno of the human mind can be-symbolic death, and numb shock-then the painful agony of slow rebirth the psychic generation.

excerpts from everywhere: 1

WICKED

• Women are weaker, but their weakness is full of cunning and an equally rigid moral certainty. Since their arena is smaller, their capacity for real damage is less alarming. Though being more intimate they are the more treacherous.
• There is a campaign but no agents, there is a game but no players. I have no colleagues. I have no self. I never did, in fact, but that’s beside the point. I am just a muscular twitch in the larger organism.
• You the most individual, the most separate, the most real…
• Or is just that the world unwraps itself to you, again and again, as soon as you are ready to see it anew?
• We’re not old yet, but we’re old enough to be old friends already, aren’t we?
• So he stalked her again. Love makes hunters of us all.
• There were more ways to live than the ones given by one’s superiors.
• Her curse was her safety.
• But is life worth living in the wrong form?
• Nothing is written in the stars. Not there, nor any others. No one controls your destiny.

RANDOM

• It’s sanity we’re after. – Ricci
• There is a right way to do the right thing at the right time and for the right reason. – Sir Saguisag
• Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. – Elias Schwartz
• They can smash your cookie, but you will always have your fortune. – Cats Don’t Dance
• Whining is what keeps us sane. – Me
• Stand in your own light, shine. – Michelle Bond
• I can still hear my father’s words telling me to be the big fish in a small pond rather than the small fish in a bigger one. – Ildefonso P. Santos Jr.
• I have observed the order that can result from chaos, and I have learned to appreciate and work with nature. – Ildefonso P. Santos Jr.
• The silence depressed me. it wasn’t the silence of silence. It was my own silence. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

long day

long day:

• fiction class dissolved :(
• had coffee with amor
• anderson and i went to the gradschool to change my fiction class to english american lit
• went to the creating writing center to talk to OAD
• saw carlomar there *super kilig mode*
  
• then OAD told him i like him *super kilig mode - still*
• went to the maind building to get my new subject encoded
• super long line so i decided to do it on monday
  
• so after, went to the UST museum with amor, to see the "IlokoAbel" exhibit
• textiles from Ilocos (I am so proud to be an Ilokana, rich culture, rich heritage... *bow*)
• then just wandered around the museum (aircon eh bakit ba!)
• went to the quadri park to meet nico, and to watch the water fountain
• stared at the cute kid playing (hindi eh! bathing na eh!)
  
• had dinner at lisa's with sir bong (first time ever!), ate fleur, rina, nico, and amor
• nico and i walked amor to the other side of the world (meaning: lacson, espana gate from dapitan kasi eh!) but before that we watched imago sing ewan and taralets at the eng'g complex
  
• then ate fleur, rina, nico and i went infront of the main building to chat
• saw loy
• i went to the varsitarian to visit (ehem... ) EIC nicolo
• talked about ate fleur's "lovelife"
• then they walked me home
• nico upstairs to borrow my paras book
• he teased and hugged ate lorie (teehee!)
• went down to kiss ate fleur and rina - again
• the end ;)

Sedate me...

hay kahit pala gaano mo piliting pagtaguan ang sarili mo hindi ka magtatagumpay.
ayan na ang luha, walang tigil sa pagpatak...

fish

inspired by my earrings :)

Turquoise Blue

By: Cynthia Alexander

Your out to see
In the mirror now
A hundred hands
Free falling
Only for a while

Your out to face
This tragic gate, embrace
You’re most beautiful
Watercolor lover
Only for a while

I paint my watercolor pillow
Tears turquoise blue
Fragile be this tendril tree
I may weep for you
Tears turquoise blue

Your out to steal
The heart of mine
Our restless masters
All the world a lonely journey
Only for a while

I paint my watercolor pillow
Tears turquoise blue
Fragile be this tendril tree
Counting tears
I may weep for you
Tears turquoise blue
Strong around your neck
Hush now babe
Now smile

infinte blabbers (5)

i was supposed to go out with my law school girls at around 2pm yesterday, but just when i was about to get ready i just didn't feel like going out anymore, so i begged off.

it's because i'm really sick (cough and cold). but honsetly i don't i really want to talk to anybody right now. it's not that i don't want to see them i do! i do! i miss them alot! it's just that i don't want the "kamustahan" part. where you open the conversation with "kamusta ka na?", "ano naman bago sayo?", "ano na ginagawa mo sa buhay mo ngaun?" or "ano masaya ka ba?" cause honsetly i don't have the answers to those questions that's why i don't wanna see my friends and talk to them. maybe it's not just them i don't wanna see, maybe i don't wanna answer those questions cause that means i have to deal with my self, face my self. and i'm just not ready, or even, strong enough to do that now. it just sucks that i don't have plans, i'm not focused enough... i feel so empty right now(not in a dramatic way, but in the real sense of the word, i guess.) and now that i am writing about it, it reminds me of the pending i have to deal with, so i'm ending this blabbering right now.

(oh by the way (i know i said im going to stop talking but just hear this out) i didn't meet my lawschool girls, instead, they dropped by my place. and it was just so kind of them to not ask the unanswerable questions i was avoiding... (perhaps they know i don't wanna talk about it) thanks ice, abby and ren... it feels good to see them and feel their warmth... the comfort that friends give... but i just want to isolate myself right now... i'm sorry...)

blue

envy

i look at the frozen images.

and i see...
the lightness. the joy. the smiles. the view. the people. the friends.

and my hands grow cold.
a heavy heart.

envy...
that's what it's called.

next

free from comfort.
naked.
what's next?

why am i sad?

Why are you sad? [amazing pictures] For darker people

You are sad because of your grief
Take this quiz!








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at night

The streets become more palpable,
Its cold cement, dark.
In one corner,
You might see,
Splattered with blood,
A carcass of a cat.
No matter how silent it moves,
In death, it creates a rhythm of cracking bones.

The lampposts,
Become the sons of the moon.
Resembling tall men
Wearing stars for a hat,
Guarding the silence of the dark.
You'll find solace at their sight.

Like noisy lovers,
You'll hear the air,
Stroking
The slender body of the leaves.
Conceiving a tone,
That lucidly turns into a lullaby.

The sky becomes
A brunette sea.
Its pearls glistening,
In their solitary space.
The moon, a radiant bended shell.

At night, the world
Starts anew.

how i wish

Give me a Mermaid for a Tattoo

Archie Barcelona

Give me a mermaid for a tattoo,
on my flanks she will walk ,
on my arms she will flex,
on my belly she will dance
like she were alive,
unhooked.

I lounge
on a bed of shells,
listening
to hypnotic songs
to mermaids mouthing tales
of forgotten cities.
Incredibly
I understand,
despite the bubbles that muddle
each utterance.

Give me a mermaid for a tattoo,
indelibly pinning her between
needle and skin,
trapping forever
a companion
who talks
in ink.

---
i was proscrastinating AGAIN... then i saw this poem... aww... how i wish this words are for me... *sigh*

lanna's birthday!

fun fun day yesterday!! :)

my mom, amma, kuya, nanay, kyle, and lanna went here yesterday. it was lanna's birthday. first we went to greenbelt to watch aladdin! super fun i love genie! the kids really enjoyed the show! during the 15 minute break lanna kept on saying she wants to see princess jasmine again... so i told here genie needs to rest first so we have to wait... ;)

after watching aladin lanna fell asleep, while kyle and i were eating lotso of candies and chocolates! so much for sugar rush that we played all through out the ride to avilon! :)

avilon was so huge, i got really tired! we saw the crocodiles, the birds. the tigers, the hyenas! and a lot more. kyle was scared of the crocodiles. kuya and amma took a picture with the snake on their necks! eww! gross and scary! so i didn't try! i was pulling kyle towards them, he was so scared that he kept on shouting no and he kept on hiding at nanay's back.

lanna kyle and i took alot of pictures with the tiger, the leopard and the wild boar! :) such fun!:)

after that we went to this science museum in marikina, lanna was asleep. amma, kuya, kyle and i had a good time, playing with the inventions there, making bubbles, tidal waves and a lot more!
after that we went to the mall of asia, since it was lanna's birthday we bought here a small pink cake.

fun fun day with the kids! so nice to be around kids for a change! :)

from patiey's blog

cheers for september drama!

it's september ( so what, you ask?!), and people have started to get into some big drama. probably, it's all the pre-octoberfest frenzy, the november-dead-me-days, or the december-chill-to-kill mode that drive us crazy... whatever floats your boat, let's take a toast (and a long, sensuous smoke puff) for that!

TOASTS FOR:

gays and lesbos who fight back to dick-inside-out, sore losers

peeps who brave the odds of getting their hair dyed

pregnant bitches who say no to abortion

people who come and go in your life (ex's, fb's, etc.)

yuppies who work hard n play hard

bands or pseudo-bands who are getting signed or booked

hippies who get discount on ukay-ukay finds

'quickers' who sneak in their quickee and have quickie really quick (more toasts for extra rounds of *o)

bums who lug around and still have a fun 24/7 life... list goes on!

A BIG BOO THOUGH FOR:

LOSERS WHO THINK THEY'RE THE VITCTIM

LOSERS WHO THINK THEY'RE ALL THAT

LOSERS WHO EAT SHIT. PERIOD!

the cold season's must've got into me... furr coat pls! and blue mascara! and yosi pls!

just love the positive bitchiness!

new expression

new expression from nyx:

yuck... if ever!

the dawn

kelangan lang na mailagay ang picture nila sa blog ko!!! :)

Ashore

In the four corners
Of my cardboard sea,
The ink of my pen
Becomes the dark ocean waves.
Like love:
Eternally sloshing
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Incessantly becoming and leaving.

This ocean of metaphors
Sail me to so many
Shores of poems.
Bringing me towards
Your infinity.

Struggling not to drown,
I tore my paper ocean--
That opened into a terrain,
Fertile with fresh beginnings

Now I am a fish,
Forever ashore.

search

To remember you,
I collect all that is left of what we were.

So I go back inside this dark room
Where our shadows once
Danced under the glow
Of the jaundiced moon.

Engulfed by dimness
I start to search the space,
My hands becoming my eyes
Feeling textures
Known only in the dark.

Then my hand landed into something;
Something, only my eyes could stroke
Suddenly you are no longer
A fabrication of yearning,
But a carcass of reality.
The very same one
I have touched,
The very same You
I have loved.

And now I know why,
I chose to stay in the dark.

Sameness

Sameness

Carlomar Arcangel Daoana

Rising to the shock of morning,

he realizes how his body resembles his.

How come you share my body, says he,

pulling the blanket to his shoulders

not so much out of coldness as wanting

to be hidden. We are both the same,

he replies, and stretches his limbs

to reveal the absence of breasts,

the quick drop of the chest

to the abdomen. They always have

this kind of conversation to find

to find their way out of shame when last night,

they seemed perfectly fitted together,

torque and groove, and not one of them,

uttered any sound of discomfort.


**hahaha, baka makarelate Siya dito sa poem. by the way crush ko rin yung poet na nagsulat nito. :)

drizzle

yehey! after the dearth, finally a drizzle of words. hopefully the poems will be good enough for OAD.

Watercolor Love

You are watercolor
Dancing on paper.
The strokes of your body,
Sway with the rhythm of colors,
That vivify the memory
Of the once flawless
Pare of my youth.

I am a brush
Trying to lash
You back into this blank space
You once filled
With bright
Shades of bliss.

But the light
Is swiftly grazing off.
Concealing the luminous
Hues of desire.

The colors are turning into
Subdued streaks of parting.
Now only smudges of
Sad claret fills up,
The space you left beside me.

Waterbound

The ardent wind disperses
With the slightest
Touch of the sea.

The wave kisses the shore
With its lipless mouth.
Soon after,
Only sea foams remain.

This reprise of tragedy
Is what vivifies the sea.

Waterbound,
I am but a small fish:
A witness
To the never ending
Flow of parting.

the plague

"Query: How contrive not to waste one's time?

Answer: By being fully aware of it all the while. Ways in which this can be done: By spending one's days on an uneasy chair in a dentist's waitint-room; by listening to lectures in a language one doesn't know; by traveling by the longest and least-convenient train routes, and of course standing all the way; by lining up at the box-office of theaters and then not buying a seat; and so forth."

-albert camus

neruda 2

SAME STORY

This evening, each hour, it grows earlier:
each splendor, each shadow,
each twilight, dawns anew on our world:
immovable time
masks
its exigent face
and changelessly changes its garment:
each night or in delicate daybreak
the long silence of glaciers,
summer's reddening apple:
all is vagabond as the wind:
time idles, immobile,
hueless and heatless, sunless and starless:
nothing avails but the absolute.

Goodbye and goodbye. Nothing changes.

STAR

Good enough: so i never returned. I no longer grieve
for a vanished return. All things are resolved by the sand--
and as part of the landscape and waves,
salt syllable or sea louse,
I, sovereign and slave to these shores,
surrender myself, shackle myself to my rock.
No free will for those of us who exist
as a piece of appearances,
no going for those who return
to themselves, to the rock of their singular being:
and the only perduring star is the sea.

by: Pablo Neruda

**still no rain of words, so i am swimming into the sea of the gods instead. i am but a small girl.

rain

I need words to rain down on me,

so i can create a sea of my own.

tribu blue

face to face with strangers
the night opens
with a pitcher of blue liquid and gin
and we match it with cigarettes
perhaps, in our attempt to belch out
the bitter taste of his skin

the second pitcher came
as i talked about long letters
and his short distant responses--
they relate to the coldness.
oh, how remembering
can bridge the souls of those forgotten.

the third pitcher poured
out her soul
slithering out her mouth
is apathy
concretized in his form.

the fourth pitcher spills out
memory:
his last words
his last kiss
his last touch.

down to our last glass
before the night closes in on us
we swallow down the very last
ounce of his being.

inebriated by memory
we suddenly head out to the sink
to finally puke him out of our lives
for him to join
the filthy side of forgetfulness
as we once did

now we lean against each other
the three of us
no longer strangers
and for the last time we raise a toast
for our new found tie.

(the first time with rej and red)

**not sure if i'm going to read it in rainbow project. not good enough for me eh. they might just laugh at my nonsense, perhaps i'll write a new one. for now this poem will just sit here to be read by no one. =)

confirmation

after the storm... my question was finally answered.

yes people, he is...

end... soon...

tina's story ended... right... it ended like all love does...

hoping that this state of bullcrap will end soon...

i miss writing. i miss feeling. i miss life.

Sedate me!!!

all right so i've been obssessing about this, i am finally allowing myself to be this dumb-star-struck-girl again. and i don't care. i am happy just thinking about him, happy. it's been a long time since happiness has been concretized! damn it! i deserve this. i only saw him once, ok. once. so what?! that's why friendster is there, to allow you to get a glimpse or atleast an idea if the person has personality! hahaha

anyway, he is a creative writing student minor in theater arts. he likes ballet, and music. which is great. and the music i am refering to is in snyc with what i like, not only pop and musical songs, and oh he likes joey ayala! how cool can it get?! he's not much of a looker but who cares?! i am so loving the feeling of liking another guy. and liking him with a smile! so sweet and childish! i can't stop talking somebody sedate me!

DEAD LONG AGO

DEAD LONG AGO
I said that I loved you that wasn't a lie
but each time i'd say these words the harder i try
if only a compromise just to save this thing's soul
but if a word was a weapon I'd have been dead long ago

And I can't go on living this way
No I can't go on living

I'm sick of complaining but I can't get things right
the punches keep coming and I'm losing the fight
with all this aggression another slap in the face
the relationship beckons and I'm on my way

oooh your sympathy goddamnit
I said that I loved you its turned into a lie
cause each time I say these words the harder I cry
if only a compromise just to save this thing's soul
but your words are like weapons and I was dead long ago

ooh your sympathy for someone dead long ago

---
i think he wrote this.
i am just so obssessed, forgive me.

bookmark

removed him from my bookmark...
replaced him with another... (nothing special, just a crush, i only met him once, and i'm looking forward to meeting him again)
don't ask me, its not that bigga deal :)

Discovery!

it was the happiest moment of the day.

-she's a discovery
-very good
-good
-beautiful images
-do you write poems? i knew it, because of how you wrote your lines

:)
--bow--

neruda

Fable of the Mermaid and the Drunks

All those men were there inside, when she came in totally naked. They had been drinking: they began to spit. Newly come from the river, she knew nothing. She was a mermaid who had lost her way. The insults flowed down her gleaming flesh. Obscenities drowned her golden breasts. Not knowing tears, she did not weep tears. Not knowing clothes, she did not have clothes. They blackened her with burnt corks and cigarette stubs, and rolled around laughing on the tavern floor. She did not speak because she had no speech. Her eyes were the colour of distant love, her twin arms were made of white topaz. Her lips moved, silent, in a coral light, and suddenly she went out by that door. Entering the river she was cleaned, shining like a white stone in the rain, and without looking back she swam again swam towards emptiness, swam towards death. Pablo Neruda

regret

I've always wanted to correct the past. Only hypocrites articulate that they have lived life without regrets. Every single action that we make have rooted out of branched decisions, perhaps from our autonomous response to the uncertainty of to be or not to be, to do or not to do. Unless thwarted by a mishap or anything that can cause mental distress, Karen Horney (psychoanalyst) is resolute that "We are all neurotic individuals who have irrational needs."
----------------------
i was searching for the great OAD's a kind of burning when suddenly i landed on this blog. hmmm quite interesting i can say... kinda saw myself in her... a bit...

so again, out of boredam, since my life lately has been waking and sleeping, waiting for something to do, or somehitng to happen. not pathetic just a relaxed life, very relaxed at that.

anyway... so i read her entry then i got kinda pissed when i read something about re-living the past, i got offended when she said that people who convey that they don't have regrets are hypocrites.. let me just grab her hair and smolder her face.

What im trying to say here is that, when you look back and rethink about the decisions you made that led to the many things that has happened in your life, and you don't regret it, that doesn't mean youre a hypocrite, it just means that you were able to understand why it had happened to you, and when there are no regrets… it means you've learned something from them...

But since you're ranting that you regret your past decisions, then my dear, you haven't learned anything yet. Grow Up!

blame it on the weather

i am sick. i am cold. i hate it.

such a pity to text my friends about how i am doing. when desperation slithers in your lonesome soul, i guess you just go and do stupid stuff, like declare to the whole world that you are sick and miserable just so somebody would know and pity you!

i hate it. it's like im telling people and begging them to give me attention, and begging them to actually pity me!

tsk tsk tsk... ynna such a miserable soul.

i blame the weather for making me sick, cold and alone!

Flood on the 5th floor

it's been raining for almost 3 days... im stuck inside my apartment and it sucks.

this afternoon after taking a bath i went to bed again (since it's nice to just sleep because of the weather, and i was feeling kinda sick, i have a cough and cold). i was supposed to go back in slumber, but i ended up playing "canal control" on my phone, while friends is playing on my tv, and the book zahir at my side.

after playing i was supposed to go to the bathroom and pee, so i sat down and looked for my slippers. when i bowed my head, guess what i saw... water, and it was threatening to slither though my baskets of clothes, a bunch of star boxes and a few books on the floor (yeah my apartment is back to it's old trashy look) so i had no choice but to go out of my house and fix the train. i removed the stuff that clogged it, while raining, so i ended up cold and wet. after that i went inside to mop the whole place, to remove the water. it was cold outside but i was really panting and sweating. (heavy rugs, with water) what a work out!

after the burdensome work, i went to the bathroom and took a bath again. i was really pissed cause of the water coming inside my house, that shouldn't be the case since im on the 5th floor! anyway... after that i wore pajama's again, then went to bed, covered my self with a blanket, but it didn't give me enough heat.

i don't know all of a sudden i was feeling gloomy, (maybe because of the weather) i texted antz and nico, telling them that i feel sick, and that i hate the fact that i'm alone blah... blah... blah... hate the fact taht i was ranting about this again, ranting about stuff you shouldn't really rant about. i hate how shallow my problem is: just want to feel special, just want to have someone who can make me special. i don't know why... i blame the weather. i hate being cold and alone!

anyway, it was a good thing taht tina went to my place and gave me a hug, thanks tina! (antz wished she could be there for me to give me warmth and a tigh hug... sigh... she can't cause she's so far away). then after taht ice and abby went to visit me despite the flood. so we had a good talk and we ate dinner together.

hmmm.... so im really thankful i have friends... who can divert my sadness into simple joys... thank you so much...

Cinemelaya 2006

went to CCP (the cultural center of the philippines) to watch the cinemalaya films... feels so good to be surrounded by people who loves the same things that i do.

best wishes to the artists and the art!

naway maging malaya ang dwende ninyo para lumikha ng katotohanan at kagandahan!

infinite blabbers (4)

just random thoughts running in my head...

the other night i talked to antz, sigh knida felt bad that we just had to do with a 10 minute conversation, unlike before, we used to talk for hours... kinda miss that you know. have so many things running in my head, and i miss just pouring it out to you. so how are you?

i am in a state of... (geez there's not even a word for it)

anyway.. hmmm... i am writing for habitat, and i get to see the ugly side of the philippines (yes, fortunately there is still a good side). i hide at the back of the camera, taking pictures, of strangers turned friends from other countries, trying to help, and try to make this world (country) a better place to live in.

it is just so hard seeing your country like that, slams, dirt and children with skin diseases, so depressing, and it would make you realize how lucky you are that you have the kind of life you are in, i say this cause that's what i felt after being emmersed to such kind of environment.

i've just realized, that poor countries still survive, cause there are still a lot of kind-hearted people, who are willing to help. God bless them.

hmmm... anyway, i am enjoying my work, i get to meet a lot of people, i write and a take pictures of them. i love it! i am very grateful that all these gifts are given to me.

hmmm... anyway despite not knowing what state i am in, i think i am fine, and i'm ok being fine until... until...

hmmm... that's it.

Hope Builders July 2006

hope builders,

thank you for the 7 wonderful days we've spent together. i will always remember you. thank you for all the help!

sir albert,
thank you for the memories and the book, i will miss you so much. thank you for being a grandad during your mission trip here. much love and prayers from me. when i go there and visit let me stay in your house ok? i wanna meet your family. and i would tell them all the stories and memories we had back here. thank you so much! i will really really miss you so much!!! i hope to really see you soon!!! i love you sir albert!!!

crystal,

ang pinakamaganda kong kaibigan (my most beautiful friend) thank you for all the love and sincerity you've showed us. i love you! mahal na mahal kita (i love you so much) i will miss talking to you, and acommpanying you in the bathroom, talking while brushing our teeth so we can't understand each other! hehehe thank you for the smiles and the laughter. thank you for provding me details about mr uptight hehehe. you know what i was really crying my butt out before and after i talked to you and sir albert! wahhh!!! i will miss you!!! i'll visit you when i go there ok? and then we'll go to hong kong! :) thank you thank you! i will be forever grateful for the wonderful friendship you've given me. you are really maganda inside and out. the authenticity you've showed us is deeply appreciated. thank you thank you! keep in touch ok? mwah!!!

ann nee(my enemy)
hey you 4 year old kid! i will miss bullying you! and i will miss hearing your annoying "punta ka sa mc donalds" cheer! mwah thank you for everything i hope you enjoyed your stay here in the philippines. i will write to you again. mwak! keep in touch!

to every one, i have so many things to say but the yearning is just to heavy, when things go back to normal i'll write to you again. and yes i'll send you the pictures as soon as i can! :)