lumusong ka sa karagatan ng buhay, lumangoy kasabay ng alon, sumisid... pailalim ng pailalim hanggang sa marating ang mga perlas sa pusod ng dagat...
Sunday, January 30, 2005
patungo sa mga perlas
lumusong ka sa karagatan ng buhay, lumangoy kasabay ng alon, sumisid... pailalim ng pailalim hanggang sa marating ang mga perlas sa pusod ng dagat...
kulay ng buhay
i wanna paint again, and picture the world with vibrant colors. to immortalize and capture its grandest gifts. soon i will be able to paint down my happiness again... soon!
Monday, January 24, 2005
you
crap... i tried to write down my random thoughts then bam! the stupid computer erased it. anyway i'll give it another try...
i am in the brink of giving up hope. i thought i have grown into a butterfly but i was wrong i am still this ugly worm crawling in the dark. yes i kept on telling myself and the world that i know now how to find love in any from, but i guess i was wrong, for if i did why do i still feel this much hurt, torture and more tears flowing. i don't know... maybe i still don't know the real me... i thought i know myself but i guess i was blinded by so many things. growing up is a very long and painful process, unending even. all of us will continue to grow and feel pain through this journey, what a sad world isn't it. they say that the pain you are encountering while growing will help you become strong in the end, what a lie! look at me! i am still that smalle fragile child who sleeps at night wet with tears, salt surrounding her bed as she clutches and flods herself like an abandoned fetus at night.
i thought i did but i was wrong. i thought i was the goddess and the queen, the center of my universe, but no, i am not. i am but a simple human being trying to find a tiny space for me to be able to rest on, a slave serving her master and forgetting herself. i am still a slave of love and of him.
you who i thought taught me how to love and to be patient, i am in the brink of giving up on you. a little more push and i will break, i will finally set you and my self free. you who i thought taught me that waiting is a gift, but now i realize that its not, waiting is not a gift but a curse. waiting is the one torturing me everynight, who puts me into bed with tears in my eyes and leaving me still with a heavy heart. you who i thought taught me that waiting is living, you are wrong wiating is dying, dying every single moment. you who i want to hate but i just cant.
you my love, you will forver be in my heart but i am hoping in time i can finally move on and start living again, free from your shadow. free from the curse of waiting free from you.
i am in the brink of giving up hope. i thought i have grown into a butterfly but i was wrong i am still this ugly worm crawling in the dark. yes i kept on telling myself and the world that i know now how to find love in any from, but i guess i was wrong, for if i did why do i still feel this much hurt, torture and more tears flowing. i don't know... maybe i still don't know the real me... i thought i know myself but i guess i was blinded by so many things. growing up is a very long and painful process, unending even. all of us will continue to grow and feel pain through this journey, what a sad world isn't it. they say that the pain you are encountering while growing will help you become strong in the end, what a lie! look at me! i am still that smalle fragile child who sleeps at night wet with tears, salt surrounding her bed as she clutches and flods herself like an abandoned fetus at night.
i thought i did but i was wrong. i thought i was the goddess and the queen, the center of my universe, but no, i am not. i am but a simple human being trying to find a tiny space for me to be able to rest on, a slave serving her master and forgetting herself. i am still a slave of love and of him.
you who i thought taught me how to love and to be patient, i am in the brink of giving up on you. a little more push and i will break, i will finally set you and my self free. you who i thought taught me that waiting is a gift, but now i realize that its not, waiting is not a gift but a curse. waiting is the one torturing me everynight, who puts me into bed with tears in my eyes and leaving me still with a heavy heart. you who i thought taught me that waiting is living, you are wrong wiating is dying, dying every single moment. you who i want to hate but i just cant.
you my love, you will forver be in my heart but i am hoping in time i can finally move on and start living again, free from your shadow. free from the curse of waiting free from you.
Monday, January 17, 2005
anniversary
i wrote him a letter...
hello! happy anniversary. i love you.
you know what i have so many stories to tell you. amzing ones that up until now never ceases to make me wonder how the world can bring you so many surprises.
you know what after several days of loving you in silence i have learned that through that sacrifice i have learned so much, about you and how much you have loved me, about my self on how mush i have loved you and have grown so much because of you. and about the world, that love can be in any form.
i miss talking to you. i miss the way you make me laugh and you make me smile. i miss everything about you. and most especially i miss us.
i wonder how you are right now. i hope you are doing fine. i love you! until we meet again...
hello! happy anniversary. i love you.
you know what i have so many stories to tell you. amzing ones that up until now never ceases to make me wonder how the world can bring you so many surprises.
you know what after several days of loving you in silence i have learned that through that sacrifice i have learned so much, about you and how much you have loved me, about my self on how mush i have loved you and have grown so much because of you. and about the world, that love can be in any form.
i miss talking to you. i miss the way you make me laugh and you make me smile. i miss everything about you. and most especially i miss us.
i wonder how you are right now. i hope you are doing fine. i love you! until we meet again...
to the loud-mouthed angel in silence
no recent posts from me lately, you know why? because after months of hurting and dying i am laughing and living again. the angel who loved me in silence was able to show me how good it is to love again, and i want to thank her for that.
i want to thank her for making me strong again, for making me laugh and live again and for making me the source of her strength and authenticity.
life has been so good to me, during my darkest days God gave me an angel to shed some light into my world. now i am able to appreciate little and big miracles that i encounter everyday. i have learned to be positive, and i have learned that loving in silence is something good after all. i have grown so much angel. thank you for helping me.
i will always think of you when i look at the stars and when i see butterflies around. i will always be here to listen and to love you.
no matter what they say they cannot separate us, for we are twin souls, we are soulsisters. FOREVER.
i want to thank her for making me strong again, for making me laugh and live again and for making me the source of her strength and authenticity.
life has been so good to me, during my darkest days God gave me an angel to shed some light into my world. now i am able to appreciate little and big miracles that i encounter everyday. i have learned to be positive, and i have learned that loving in silence is something good after all. i have grown so much angel. thank you for helping me.
i will always think of you when i look at the stars and when i see butterflies around. i will always be here to listen and to love you.
no matter what they say they cannot separate us, for we are twin souls, we are soulsisters. FOREVER.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
patchy
After reading sheets of happy thoughts I ended up being envious. Then questions just came rushing through. Why are they happy? Why am I alone? Is it really over since the day we broke up… but then why did you say there’s still SUMDAY?
I just came in passing my friends house when I saw you, didn’t expect that you’d be the biggest part of my life. You were the one who brought color and life into my once dark being.
You have washed away the bitterness I was nurturing inside and out of my heart. I have learned to care for someone other than myself, for the first time I wasn’t the center of the universe, for the first time it was somebody else, and that somebody else was you. You taught me so many things; you aren’t aware, but yeah you did. So much that even if I want to hate you I can’t, I am grateful still.
But it ended so soon. Like all love will. I feel like I still have so many things to share to you, so many love to give you. But now it’s all over, like what you said.
Random thoughts… but I cannot write anymore, I cannot end what I have started, it is too painful to think about him again. Remembering that I no longer have him kills me over and over. The realization of the end is suffocating me. And now I will just end it with no closure just (...)
I just came in passing my friends house when I saw you, didn’t expect that you’d be the biggest part of my life. You were the one who brought color and life into my once dark being.
You have washed away the bitterness I was nurturing inside and out of my heart. I have learned to care for someone other than myself, for the first time I wasn’t the center of the universe, for the first time it was somebody else, and that somebody else was you. You taught me so many things; you aren’t aware, but yeah you did. So much that even if I want to hate you I can’t, I am grateful still.
But it ended so soon. Like all love will. I feel like I still have so many things to share to you, so many love to give you. But now it’s all over, like what you said.
Random thoughts… but I cannot write anymore, I cannot end what I have started, it is too painful to think about him again. Remembering that I no longer have him kills me over and over. The realization of the end is suffocating me. And now I will just end it with no closure just (...)
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
massacre
Repressing is a subtle cry for suicide.
Collecting emotions and confining it down in that little corner in your heart, hiding what should be said out loud will slowly poison you. Silently your body weakens, your emotions gaining strength that would later on lead you to the dark side of life; Death.
Expressing is a blatant cry for suicide.
Sharing grief and yearning you are killing yourself again and again after unfolding the broken pieces of your heart, the same people you love, the sadness of each piece leaves a mark to those people who love you and is hurting more because you are hurt.
Both a terrible massacre, isn’t it?
Collecting emotions and confining it down in that little corner in your heart, hiding what should be said out loud will slowly poison you. Silently your body weakens, your emotions gaining strength that would later on lead you to the dark side of life; Death.
Expressing is a blatant cry for suicide.
Sharing grief and yearning you are killing yourself again and again after unfolding the broken pieces of your heart, the same people you love, the sadness of each piece leaves a mark to those people who love you and is hurting more because you are hurt.
Both a terrible massacre, isn’t it?
tonight i shall breathe
Tonight after breathing in silence I shall speak again. I shall express everything again or else I will die. I will not repress the sadness, the hurt and the love I am feeling. There is so much to show to the world, so much life to share, so much love, and so many people to inspire, and so many people I shall care about. Today I shall breathe again.
Tonight I will no longer wish to be heard, I need not care if it doesn’t reach him, all I want to do now is to touch other people’s lives through the gifts I have, to somehow make a difference through my words.
Tonight I will write again to immortalize the days and the moments I have lived life. I have loved life.
I am again drowning in sorrow, feeling trapped into a jar slowly the sands of time as gray as the sky fill up the empty void suffocating me. I feel my heart being held in a palm, slowly the grip grows tighter and tighter until the blood gushes out through my eyes. I toss and turn to breathe but the grasp is strong, like a greedy animal enveloping me. Eating me up, and I struggle to survive. But all the efforts to live drained me until I stopped. Frozen. I stare at nothingness, the feeling of abandonment suddenly touches my soul as cold as the frozen river in his heart; I die over and over again.
Reverberating moments of bliss and sorrow gush through my shore, leaving salty memoirs. Death revisiting. History becomes today, yesterday becomes tomorrow. Tomorrow disappears. Stranded, everything stops the pain vivifies, marring your weak body, bones become ashes and fire becomes water, and you drift, smitten by the torture of your own heart beat broken down to pieces. Like a broken mirror your pain duplicated.
Revisited long forgotten feelings mirrored in my eyes. Two balls of gloss shedding pebbles of despair creating an altar of rock. Cold and stiff, I have become numb and stiff once again.
Tonight I shall speak of my undying love and devotion to the man who taught me to live and have showed me that we ca Find Love in Any Form. But today I am trying to move on further, to love a level higher, to learn what unconditional love really is. Loving from far away, hoping, waiting yet holding peace to grant your one true love the space to find his authenticity. Love, be it unrequited but not saying a word, only, loving still. Not hurting from waiting, just living in loving while waiting.
Tonight I shall try to control myself from suffocating my one true love, loving unselfishly. Just hoping for the best, hoping that the space I have given him will provide him the pathway back Home to Me.
3:57 am
1/4/5
Tonight I will no longer wish to be heard, I need not care if it doesn’t reach him, all I want to do now is to touch other people’s lives through the gifts I have, to somehow make a difference through my words.
Tonight I will write again to immortalize the days and the moments I have lived life. I have loved life.
I am again drowning in sorrow, feeling trapped into a jar slowly the sands of time as gray as the sky fill up the empty void suffocating me. I feel my heart being held in a palm, slowly the grip grows tighter and tighter until the blood gushes out through my eyes. I toss and turn to breathe but the grasp is strong, like a greedy animal enveloping me. Eating me up, and I struggle to survive. But all the efforts to live drained me until I stopped. Frozen. I stare at nothingness, the feeling of abandonment suddenly touches my soul as cold as the frozen river in his heart; I die over and over again.
Reverberating moments of bliss and sorrow gush through my shore, leaving salty memoirs. Death revisiting. History becomes today, yesterday becomes tomorrow. Tomorrow disappears. Stranded, everything stops the pain vivifies, marring your weak body, bones become ashes and fire becomes water, and you drift, smitten by the torture of your own heart beat broken down to pieces. Like a broken mirror your pain duplicated.
Revisited long forgotten feelings mirrored in my eyes. Two balls of gloss shedding pebbles of despair creating an altar of rock. Cold and stiff, I have become numb and stiff once again.
Tonight I shall speak of my undying love and devotion to the man who taught me to live and have showed me that we ca Find Love in Any Form. But today I am trying to move on further, to love a level higher, to learn what unconditional love really is. Loving from far away, hoping, waiting yet holding peace to grant your one true love the space to find his authenticity. Love, be it unrequited but not saying a word, only, loving still. Not hurting from waiting, just living in loving while waiting.
Tonight I shall try to control myself from suffocating my one true love, loving unselfishly. Just hoping for the best, hoping that the space I have given him will provide him the pathway back Home to Me.
3:57 am
1/4/5
Monday, January 03, 2005
epitome of patience
Today I am suffering from nostalgia; I have this powerful desire to reconquer everything that I have possessed long before space and time took it away from me. My mind has traveled long distances, to the moon, the stars, the dark blanket of clouds, down the soft warm earth, with trees of such wisdom where the epitome of patience is marked on its branches, each wrinkled bark, with a story, with a mystery, with a life.
My mind never ceases to journey through paths of long forgotten tales; it walks through the pathway of forgotten liaisons. Each pebble of time I am hoping to reach the man I freed from my greedy grasps not so long ago.
I am enveloped with fear, dreading the moment when I would loose my grip into this unknown, a battle of hearts and shadows, and a masquerade of bony sorrows. A picture so vague, threatening to disappear any second now.
That is what I am feeling right now. I dread remembering, and I fear forgetting (you), forgetting the one true thing that brought me to Love.
12/23/4
8:05pm
My mind never ceases to journey through paths of long forgotten tales; it walks through the pathway of forgotten liaisons. Each pebble of time I am hoping to reach the man I freed from my greedy grasps not so long ago.
I am enveloped with fear, dreading the moment when I would loose my grip into this unknown, a battle of hearts and shadows, and a masquerade of bony sorrows. A picture so vague, threatening to disappear any second now.
That is what I am feeling right now. I dread remembering, and I fear forgetting (you), forgetting the one true thing that brought me to Love.
12/23/4
8:05pm
the day before I broke my heart, the day before I decided to stop writing.
connecting connection
hello jepoy,
wow didnt expect a comment from you. actually wasnt expecting anybody to hear my scream in silence. thank you for giving me a piece of your mind. it kinda lifted my soul, actually it made me smile. thank you once again.
as i type down this words i am shaking, i feel cold, i dont know why, maybe because i am again connecting, connecting to him through you.
last dec 23, i sent him a message, he replied telling me to stop waiting, mahirap na raw umasa. so i asked him if he still loves me and now that he's making me stop does that mean that its over between us, he said he doesnt know hes "fucked up" then he said its been over since the day we broke up and that he just told me to wait because he knows that SUMDAY(all caps, copied from his text message)hell come back.
so after shedding galons of tears i have realized that maybe i should really be invisible in his life for a while, and give him the space he wants for him to be able to grow.
it really really hurts, its not just an ordinary hurt, its a soul hurt. i have been miserable since the day we broke up, but i am trying to live for the people who loves me those who nver gave up on me, i think i owe my life to them.
i am trying to be better each day, trying to find Love in Any Form.
after that conversation with him, i decided to stop writting for a while, for if i write it will only make me want him more. it will not stop me from yearning. i have decided to love him from far away and in silence, i will forever pray for him, i will ask God to grant him the privilage to find his authentic self.
thank you jepoy for hearing my scream in silence. i really really appreciate your concern. thank you.
God has answered my prayers, now anj is really happy, she deserves it, she deserves to be loved by a person as good a you are. the both of you will always be in my prayers.sorry if i took this opprtunity to rant...
sorry i made you read this long letter... i just had to release... thank you again.
God Bless You
much love from the mermaid under the dark ocaen waves...
wow didnt expect a comment from you. actually wasnt expecting anybody to hear my scream in silence. thank you for giving me a piece of your mind. it kinda lifted my soul, actually it made me smile. thank you once again.
as i type down this words i am shaking, i feel cold, i dont know why, maybe because i am again connecting, connecting to him through you.
last dec 23, i sent him a message, he replied telling me to stop waiting, mahirap na raw umasa. so i asked him if he still loves me and now that he's making me stop does that mean that its over between us, he said he doesnt know hes "fucked up" then he said its been over since the day we broke up and that he just told me to wait because he knows that SUMDAY(all caps, copied from his text message)hell come back.
so after shedding galons of tears i have realized that maybe i should really be invisible in his life for a while, and give him the space he wants for him to be able to grow.
it really really hurts, its not just an ordinary hurt, its a soul hurt. i have been miserable since the day we broke up, but i am trying to live for the people who loves me those who nver gave up on me, i think i owe my life to them.
i am trying to be better each day, trying to find Love in Any Form.
after that conversation with him, i decided to stop writting for a while, for if i write it will only make me want him more. it will not stop me from yearning. i have decided to love him from far away and in silence, i will forever pray for him, i will ask God to grant him the privilage to find his authentic self.
thank you jepoy for hearing my scream in silence. i really really appreciate your concern. thank you.
God has answered my prayers, now anj is really happy, she deserves it, she deserves to be loved by a person as good a you are. the both of you will always be in my prayers.sorry if i took this opprtunity to rant...
sorry i made you read this long letter... i just had to release... thank you again.
God Bless You
much love from the mermaid under the dark ocaen waves...
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