The Unbearable Lightness of Being By: Milan Kundera PART ONE: Lightness and Weight

• everything recurs as we once experienced it, and that the recurrence itself recurs ad infinitum!
• nonexistence of return, for in this world everything is pardoned in advance and therefore everything cynically permitted.
  
• in the world of eternal return the weight of unbearable responsibility lies heavy on every move we make.
  
• the heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.
  
• we can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.
  
• if we have only one life to live, we might as well not have lived at all.
  
• metaphors are dangerous. metaphors are not to be lifted with. a single metaphor can give birth to love.
  
• in his arms she would fall asleep no matter how wrought up she might have been.
  
• making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman).
  
• "compassion" generally inspires suspicion; it designates what is considered an inferior, second-rate sentiment that has little to do with love. to love someone out of compassion means not really to love.
  
• to have compassion (co-feeling) means not only to be able to live with the other's misfortune but also to feel with him any emotion -- joy, anxiety, happiness, pain.
  
• maximal capacity of affective imagination, the art of emotional telepathy. in the hierarchy of sentiments, then, it is supreme.
  
• a person who longs to leave the place where he lives is an unhappy person.
  those years were more attractive in retrospect than they were when he was living them.
  
• for there is nothing heavier than compassion. not even one's own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, for someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes.
  
• necessity, weight, and value are three concepts inextricably bound: only necessity is heavy, and only what is heavy has value.
  
• we believe that the greatness of man stems from the fact that he bears his fate as Atlas bore the heavens on his shoulders. beethoven's hero is a lifter of metaphysical weights.
  
• we all reject out of hand the idea that the love of our life may be something light or weightless; we presume our love is what must be, that without it our life would no longer be the same;
  

finally a poem for me...

Mi Amor

I know a girl
Who held the stars in her hand
Grasping eternity
and holding on to her salvation.
She stumbled and fell flat on her face
She stumbled once and hit rock bottom.


I know a girl
Who lived under the shallow waters
of her profound insanity
She kept every memory to herself
and to the angel she whispered.
She stumbled twice
and wept with tears, never ending.


I know a girl
Who grew her hair along with her patience
She danced with strangers,
and I envied her everytime she left.
She stumbled once more,
thrice and still counting
never getting up and never forgetting.


So much for the girl I once knew.

just a thought

I am again savoring solitude in my little abode that I have decorated with shells of all sorts to make me feel at home. An ambiance of the sea I have brought back from where I have traveled once, where I was comforted by a shower of stars, a roof decorated with diamonds as clear as the past and as bright as the future, a place where I was able to rest and reflect about certain things.

Today I seek to be free, not of the memories of him who should not be named but be free from yearning to be near him, once again. I have realized that through my loss I have learned so much, and counting, and I can’t help but be grateful to him despite the fact that he had hurt me a lot.

Today I want to breed hate for him, I want to blame him for everything he had destroyed in my life, but then again I can not help but thank him still for if not for him I wouldn’t have realized certain things that I disregarded for the past few years of my existence. Because of him I was able to find my way back to my true Home, my family and friends who are always there, ready to shelter me, comfort me and love me. And yes I am a bit bitter about certain things but I am hoping that that bitterness would soon cease to exist.

Today I have realized how much I have loved him, I gave everything to him just to make him happy, but it wasn’t enough for him, he wanted more, so I set him free. It hurt a lot, even now I can still feel the piercing effect of that heartache, but no, I know I should move on, enter a new phase in my life, live life the way God planned it.

Sometimes I can’t help but think, and see things in retrospect and wonder if he really loved me, cause if he really did, why was he over me in just a snap. That is the big question I want to ask him, if he ever really loved me. But I guess some questions would be left unanswered, until the time is right I should have my answers, but for now all I should do is try to do well in everything that is given to me. My family is expecting so much for me and I should not disappoint them, they have given me so much and it is about time that I should repay old debts. And I am very much confident that everything is going to be fine as long as I put my trust in God.

Until the time is right I shall fine the answers to my questions but for now I shall let you be, enjoy your life and I shall enjoy mine. In time we will see each other again, we will be two different persons by then, and I am hoping that by that time I could master the courage to tell you that I have loved you so much, and thank you for being a part of my life, and tell you how happy I am with my life without you.

Now I am looking forward to a life without you, a life with no traces of the heartache you have given me, but if it is to much to ask to erase you even for a while in my life I will reduce it into wishing that I may live my life free from bitterness and hate for you.

my random nothings

and i need to write again...

its summer and i am obessessed with shells, of course with clothes (ukay finds) and tea. but you know i was just wondering why do i always have an obssession with something, i dont know why, maybe its what keeps me sane, its what makes me hold on to this world, cheap thrills and simple joys, but i have realized they are not that small, every piece i keep are little pebbles of memory i so wanna hold on to...

moving on ... in the real sense of the word, when's this gonna happen, i think i am ready now... i think i am finally allowing my self to do so... oh dear God, Divine Mercy i trust in you, let your will be done, and i shallobey, if letting him be will make me happy, please grant me the courage and grace to do so...

oh... such random thoughts running through my brain...

and i am wondering... when will i ever stop thinking... ever thought of that?

i shall write and paint again... :)

release, release, release...

today is a new day for me... i want to hate pom for not caring and not giving a damn about all the memories we've shared, i was hoping he atleast grieved for our broken relationship, but it seemed like he didn't... so what the hell for now i shall start hating him, i should know better by now, so i am hoping that in time i woulld be able to forget and forgive him... but not right now... it will take time... in my own time...

anyway i have been through a lot of stress lately and to all those who know my current problem thanking you for bearing with me, thank you for being my support group, you have been my sourece of stregnth... thank you antz for the wonderful trip to puerto galera, sleeping on the shore because the entire island was fully booked, thank you so much for making me happy, for letting me rest, you know i needed that, thank you so much.

to my amma and mommy, thank you so much for understanding my shortcomings, i know in some way or another i have disappointed you, and i am sorry, thank you for making me smile even if it was the hardest thing to do, thank you for the wonderful shell, now i have a mermaid sanctuary on the 5th floor.

oh before i forget... these are all random thoughts... unorganized but who cares these are all the memories i want to write down. when we were at puerto and antz was sleeping cause she felt dizy after drinking a bottle of beer i decided to lie down on the beach, feel the cool breeze of the night and the wonderful stars... oh that black velvet roof with diamond studs all over, what a wonderful sight, i felt happy and relaxed... and i saw 8 FALLING STARS! and i know i could not ask for more.

the divine mercy was what kept me sane and alive. thank you! i do trust in You.

i know i am not making sense anymore, but you know i really don't care anymore, and i still want to continue hating pom, i think somehow he desreves it... you know pom, i'll see you after 10-12 years, i hope by that time i'd be fully happy with myself, and i wont be to dependent on you as my source of happiness... finally over you... and HOME shall be mine and mine alone...

memories revisited
mirrored in my little teacup
i started to drink tea again, you know?
wishing to wash you away
to flash you
down the toilet bowl of my memory lane
together with all the unnecessary crap
i have kept as baggages

now i have to release
now i have to release
release
release
release

you will go down the smelly dark road
of longing and loneliness

feeling all fucked up
the way you felt when i asked you
if you still loved me

that same old feeling you felt
you big piece of crap!
its ok you big waste of time!
SHIT HAPPENS, remember!

breaking the broken

The heart beating like a thousand raindrops
On top of the suburban roof
Restless struggle
Like a running sea current
Never ceasing yet tired and sorrowful
An agony unbearable
With its weight suffocating you
Consuming you
Like the first heartache you had
It drains you
Catches up and never leaves you
Like cancer maybe
Slowly killing you
Shame:
Disappointment is one thing I could not handle
Breaking broken hearts

I'M TWENTEEN! happy birthday to me!

In a couple of hours I would be shedding out my old fins in exchange for new ones, hoping it would bring me to farther places, stronger so it can help me push my self above and see the sun shine eternally on me.

Right in a couple of hours I would finally leave the wee years of being a teenager, I can say that I am no longer afraid of growing old, I am a bit excited for I know that this will be another start of the year for me, where I can make renovations and innovations, change and maintain, or even improve on certain attitudes and goals.

19, this year has been a bang for me; I can say that this would be one of the most unforgettable year of my life. So many things have happened, which made me weak and strong at the same time, a process and a stage of growing, I have done a lot of mistakes this year, hurt and loved so many people too. And I am glad to say that despite the wrong decisions I have done I am happy that I was able to face all the consequences and I believe I am a stronger lady now. I am happy that somehow despite all the longing and yearning, the hurting and the breaking, the agony of prolonging all would be well in the end. That everything’s gonna be fine in the end, for is it not that sometimes all we need is to hear this phrase to draw strength from, and so I am telling you, people of the world, everything’s gonna be fine… just trust and believe that the will of the Lord is the one guiding you.

God made a special plan for all of us, I know this is such a cliché but you know as I see it in retrospect it is indeed all incorporated with the will of God. We are all connected in this circle that will never end, in which God made it possible that through this life we will be able to learn our lessons in life be it the hard or the easy way. And I have realized how important God is into our lives, when you no longer know where to hide from the cruelties of the world do not be afraid, seek protection from His glory and he will grant you the peace that you need. I have realized that prayer is such a wonderful gift, it can calm your soul and it brigs you closer to God, it humbles you down and it comforts you. The silence that you experience during prayer is the best conversation you can ever have, a conversation with God. And so I wanna thank the Lord for being with me through all the hardships and challenges I had gone through this year.

I wanna say thank you to the following people:

First of all I wanna thank my Dad for everything he has done for us, thank you pa for the talent and the gift of art, it is what kept me sane for the entire year, thank you for leaving a piece of your soul inside my heart. Thank you for being a good provider and thank you for the inspiration and the strength I have drawn from you, for all the prayers and especially for the love, you will forever be in my heart. I will constantly feel your presence around me because of the gentle breeze I have asked you to grant me. I love you so much.

To my family first to my mother for being strong despite you losing your partner in life, you are a strong and wonderful woman I hope to imitate you, be as graceful and dignified as you are. I love you so much; sorry for all the disappointments I have given you. To Ate Lorie I hope to see you soon, thank you for being the coolest sister ever! To Kuya Apollo, for the tears we have shared, it has made us both stronger you know. To Kuya Allan, for EVERYTHING. To Ate Alma for the strength and the shoulder to cry on, also for everything, you have been my second mother.

To my friends, to the Philo People specially Father, Cindy, Nico, Berna and Ning for the constant support in everything I have done in our college life, thank you and Kudos to all of us! Of course to Changing, to all the crazy nights with you guys! Never a dull moment! I love you! To the bluerep people I have learned to love and support, hope top see you guys soon, cause I really really miss you all. To all the UST people I have exchanged his and hellos, small talk or big talk, to Ricci, to Sir Ralph, thank you for the love and the life, I had so much fun, to Sir Reyes thank you for the love and the honor to be called your daughter, you have been my second dad, I love you. To the angel in silence, do I need to say more?! I love you so much, thank you for the silence, the small space we share here on earth, thank you for being brave enough to reveal yourself to me, I do not regret ever knowing you! I hope you know that. Thank you to all of you… to those I have failed to mention, you can scold me anytime, I love you!

Lastly I wanna thank Pom for bringing joy into my life, I hope I have assured you enough of how much I love and care for you. Thank you for all the firsts and the lasts. Thank you for loving me. Home shall be ours soon.