just a thought

I am again savoring solitude in my little abode that I have decorated with shells of all sorts to make me feel at home. An ambiance of the sea I have brought back from where I have traveled once, where I was comforted by a shower of stars, a roof decorated with diamonds as clear as the past and as bright as the future, a place where I was able to rest and reflect about certain things.

Today I seek to be free, not of the memories of him who should not be named but be free from yearning to be near him, once again. I have realized that through my loss I have learned so much, and counting, and I can’t help but be grateful to him despite the fact that he had hurt me a lot.

Today I want to breed hate for him, I want to blame him for everything he had destroyed in my life, but then again I can not help but thank him still for if not for him I wouldn’t have realized certain things that I disregarded for the past few years of my existence. Because of him I was able to find my way back to my true Home, my family and friends who are always there, ready to shelter me, comfort me and love me. And yes I am a bit bitter about certain things but I am hoping that that bitterness would soon cease to exist.

Today I have realized how much I have loved him, I gave everything to him just to make him happy, but it wasn’t enough for him, he wanted more, so I set him free. It hurt a lot, even now I can still feel the piercing effect of that heartache, but no, I know I should move on, enter a new phase in my life, live life the way God planned it.

Sometimes I can’t help but think, and see things in retrospect and wonder if he really loved me, cause if he really did, why was he over me in just a snap. That is the big question I want to ask him, if he ever really loved me. But I guess some questions would be left unanswered, until the time is right I should have my answers, but for now all I should do is try to do well in everything that is given to me. My family is expecting so much for me and I should not disappoint them, they have given me so much and it is about time that I should repay old debts. And I am very much confident that everything is going to be fine as long as I put my trust in God.

Until the time is right I shall fine the answers to my questions but for now I shall let you be, enjoy your life and I shall enjoy mine. In time we will see each other again, we will be two different persons by then, and I am hoping that by that time I could master the courage to tell you that I have loved you so much, and thank you for being a part of my life, and tell you how happy I am with my life without you.

Now I am looking forward to a life without you, a life with no traces of the heartache you have given me, but if it is to much to ask to erase you even for a while in my life I will reduce it into wishing that I may live my life free from bitterness and hate for you.