blue

in retrospect it was pure bliss... now it is blue...

failure

how does it feel when you finally get the courage to do what your heart desires, and then you fail since you lack the talent?

lesson:passion is not enough

mommy

in your arms i have found my refuge.
i love you so much mommy!

i will miss you

dear angel

i will miss you so...
there are no words...
only tears for now...
feel my love no matter what...

love
the mermaid under the dark ocean waves

dear sister... and so we're back to the blank pages of our screen... into the first world we shared... what an unending cycle of becoming! i love you so much!

long day

• saw caisa (premonition #1)
  
• took my exam (hope i'd pass)
• waited for ricci, by myself
• lunch
• lost ring-f.wilson (premonition #2)
  
• ate lorie hallucinating she saw pom (premonition #3)
  
• went to g4 to watch aquamarine (then saw pom) yeah what a surprise! texted everyone, stood up to talk to antz, bumped the two girls seated beside me, and the guy infront, shaking like crazy, hyperventilation, cold front seat plus the spot light, his friends curious glances, almost graceful exit)
  
• waited for antz, by myself
  
• waited for antz, by myself
• drank hot and cold smoothie (yum!)
  
• met her friends
• had a very cold conversation
• release, release, release
• antz place
• ate lorie over the fone
  
• tired na :) (deep sigh)

i'll write about this very interesting day... next time

i bought her flowers

It was 3 in the afternoon, e fell asleep while reading my law books, and suddenly I was awakened by a phone call. From the other end of the line I heard a broken voice, threatening to pour out into a storm of sobs, I could not believe what I heard and so I started asking questions, and I heard my voice grow louder and louder (in my desperation, maybe I was shouting at Him, hoping He can give me some answers). After I put down the phone, my hands were shaking like crazy, and I needed air so I opened my back door to grasp some air, I needed that, from the fear of getting suffocated. I dialed a number, and then it was my turn to pour out my sobs, eternal sobs. The voice on the other end of the line told me to breathe, but I can’t seem to follow her instruction, how can I, how can you breathe after receiving such news?

I went out of the house, straight to the flower shop, I wanted to surprise her, so I bought her I bouquet, I can’t wait to see her smile when she sees them, she always wanted flowers, I gave her one along time ago, and it made her happy.

As soon as I got home, our friends started calling me, they kept on asking the same questions I did a while ago. So I kept on answering them, not quite sure if I had the answers, but in my desperation to understand what was happening, I tried to answer them, in the hope of answering my questions as well.

After my friends have gathered on my bed, I cooked dinner for them, they bought beer, it was a feast, and it was a celebration perhaps, of what, I don’t know either. We were all caught up in frenzy so immense we could barely feel anything. We just stayed together, for strength perhaps, we talked, we smiled, we laughed until we cried, I cried until I can no longer contain it that they had to embrace me to let me feel the love I was losing.

After a doze of beer and pretentious strength we went inside the car, the lights seemed dimmer, the night seemed colder, and our hearts seemed to beat faster, but our bodies felt weaker.

As we reached our destination, we climbed the stairs, it was eerie and cold, it was as if the cold breeze sucked out the life out of us. And as soon as we reached the door, wry coldness welcomed us.

I embraced her mom, then her dad, as a sign of respect. I had to be strong for them, so I had let go.

And then I saw her, with her funny green dress (I am sure she didn’t like). She was wearing a pink fuchsia lipstick, (I think it looked great on her). Then I gave her the flowers, I am pretty sure it made her smile.

Then suddenly it was a blur, everything around me seemed so blasé.

I felt cold, inside. Then I hugged her, but I can no longer feel her warm cozy body. She was so near that I could smell her breath but the cold glass between us no longer allowed us to intertwine.

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wandering Alone... and happy

UP

i went to UP a week ago to fix something. i was tempted to eat kwek kwek and chicken balls so i caved in, 2 guys were there eating as well. funny cause the other guy was making fun with how much his friend already ate. then i looked at what i was eating (hey! why make a big deal if me and your friend had more than 2 sets of kwek kwek and chicken balls!) after eating i bought yosi for me to puff while walking alone. then i decided to eat isaw, at first the idea of eating isaw alone didnt bother me, but as soon as i got there i wanted to back out cause everybody brought a peer group, but no! the isaw was way tempting than the stigma of being alone! hahaha. so i stood there in front of the trashbag (i had no place to go, i was alone remeber) so i just settled there in that tiny space, happily eating my isaw.

cafe by the ruins (565)

my brother asked me to go to Baguio with them and so i did. i was so excited by the idea of having a cup of tea and camote bread inside that cafe, while reading a book. so the following day, after enjoying a very very cold bath i went out, hailed a cab and went straight to chuntug. i ordered ruins herbal tea (i love the bittersweet lemony taste, you should try it). and so the waiter hurridly served ONE teapot, and TWO teacups. (im still wondering why he gave me 2!) but i didnt say anything, i politely told him to take away the other teacup cause i was alone.

hmmm... being alone, when i come to the realization that i am alone mixed emotions automatically come rushing, it is fun but sometimes, when i get tired with my "independent woman" facade i can't help but feel sad, then i would start wishing to be with somone, but after letting my thoughts wander, i again realize that it is indeed by fate and by choice to be alone. (i dont need to explain further, i just know.) :)