neruda

Fable of the Mermaid and the Drunks

All those men were there inside, when she came in totally naked. They had been drinking: they began to spit. Newly come from the river, she knew nothing. She was a mermaid who had lost her way. The insults flowed down her gleaming flesh. Obscenities drowned her golden breasts. Not knowing tears, she did not weep tears. Not knowing clothes, she did not have clothes. They blackened her with burnt corks and cigarette stubs, and rolled around laughing on the tavern floor. She did not speak because she had no speech. Her eyes were the colour of distant love, her twin arms were made of white topaz. Her lips moved, silent, in a coral light, and suddenly she went out by that door. Entering the river she was cleaned, shining like a white stone in the rain, and without looking back she swam again swam towards emptiness, swam towards death. Pablo Neruda

regret

I've always wanted to correct the past. Only hypocrites articulate that they have lived life without regrets. Every single action that we make have rooted out of branched decisions, perhaps from our autonomous response to the uncertainty of to be or not to be, to do or not to do. Unless thwarted by a mishap or anything that can cause mental distress, Karen Horney (psychoanalyst) is resolute that "We are all neurotic individuals who have irrational needs."
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i was searching for the great OAD's a kind of burning when suddenly i landed on this blog. hmmm quite interesting i can say... kinda saw myself in her... a bit...

so again, out of boredam, since my life lately has been waking and sleeping, waiting for something to do, or somehitng to happen. not pathetic just a relaxed life, very relaxed at that.

anyway... so i read her entry then i got kinda pissed when i read something about re-living the past, i got offended when she said that people who convey that they don't have regrets are hypocrites.. let me just grab her hair and smolder her face.

What im trying to say here is that, when you look back and rethink about the decisions you made that led to the many things that has happened in your life, and you don't regret it, that doesn't mean youre a hypocrite, it just means that you were able to understand why it had happened to you, and when there are no regrets… it means you've learned something from them...

But since you're ranting that you regret your past decisions, then my dear, you haven't learned anything yet. Grow Up!

blame it on the weather

i am sick. i am cold. i hate it.

such a pity to text my friends about how i am doing. when desperation slithers in your lonesome soul, i guess you just go and do stupid stuff, like declare to the whole world that you are sick and miserable just so somebody would know and pity you!

i hate it. it's like im telling people and begging them to give me attention, and begging them to actually pity me!

tsk tsk tsk... ynna such a miserable soul.

i blame the weather for making me sick, cold and alone!

Flood on the 5th floor

it's been raining for almost 3 days... im stuck inside my apartment and it sucks.

this afternoon after taking a bath i went to bed again (since it's nice to just sleep because of the weather, and i was feeling kinda sick, i have a cough and cold). i was supposed to go back in slumber, but i ended up playing "canal control" on my phone, while friends is playing on my tv, and the book zahir at my side.

after playing i was supposed to go to the bathroom and pee, so i sat down and looked for my slippers. when i bowed my head, guess what i saw... water, and it was threatening to slither though my baskets of clothes, a bunch of star boxes and a few books on the floor (yeah my apartment is back to it's old trashy look) so i had no choice but to go out of my house and fix the train. i removed the stuff that clogged it, while raining, so i ended up cold and wet. after that i went inside to mop the whole place, to remove the water. it was cold outside but i was really panting and sweating. (heavy rugs, with water) what a work out!

after the burdensome work, i went to the bathroom and took a bath again. i was really pissed cause of the water coming inside my house, that shouldn't be the case since im on the 5th floor! anyway... after that i wore pajama's again, then went to bed, covered my self with a blanket, but it didn't give me enough heat.

i don't know all of a sudden i was feeling gloomy, (maybe because of the weather) i texted antz and nico, telling them that i feel sick, and that i hate the fact that i'm alone blah... blah... blah... hate the fact taht i was ranting about this again, ranting about stuff you shouldn't really rant about. i hate how shallow my problem is: just want to feel special, just want to have someone who can make me special. i don't know why... i blame the weather. i hate being cold and alone!

anyway, it was a good thing taht tina went to my place and gave me a hug, thanks tina! (antz wished she could be there for me to give me warmth and a tigh hug... sigh... she can't cause she's so far away). then after taht ice and abby went to visit me despite the flood. so we had a good talk and we ate dinner together.

hmmm.... so im really thankful i have friends... who can divert my sadness into simple joys... thank you so much...

Cinemelaya 2006

went to CCP (the cultural center of the philippines) to watch the cinemalaya films... feels so good to be surrounded by people who loves the same things that i do.

best wishes to the artists and the art!

naway maging malaya ang dwende ninyo para lumikha ng katotohanan at kagandahan!

infinite blabbers (4)

just random thoughts running in my head...

the other night i talked to antz, sigh knida felt bad that we just had to do with a 10 minute conversation, unlike before, we used to talk for hours... kinda miss that you know. have so many things running in my head, and i miss just pouring it out to you. so how are you?

i am in a state of... (geez there's not even a word for it)

anyway.. hmmm... i am writing for habitat, and i get to see the ugly side of the philippines (yes, fortunately there is still a good side). i hide at the back of the camera, taking pictures, of strangers turned friends from other countries, trying to help, and try to make this world (country) a better place to live in.

it is just so hard seeing your country like that, slams, dirt and children with skin diseases, so depressing, and it would make you realize how lucky you are that you have the kind of life you are in, i say this cause that's what i felt after being emmersed to such kind of environment.

i've just realized, that poor countries still survive, cause there are still a lot of kind-hearted people, who are willing to help. God bless them.

hmmm... anyway, i am enjoying my work, i get to meet a lot of people, i write and a take pictures of them. i love it! i am very grateful that all these gifts are given to me.

hmmm... anyway despite not knowing what state i am in, i think i am fine, and i'm ok being fine until... until...

hmmm... that's it.

Hope Builders July 2006

hope builders,

thank you for the 7 wonderful days we've spent together. i will always remember you. thank you for all the help!

sir albert,
thank you for the memories and the book, i will miss you so much. thank you for being a grandad during your mission trip here. much love and prayers from me. when i go there and visit let me stay in your house ok? i wanna meet your family. and i would tell them all the stories and memories we had back here. thank you so much! i will really really miss you so much!!! i hope to really see you soon!!! i love you sir albert!!!

crystal,

ang pinakamaganda kong kaibigan (my most beautiful friend) thank you for all the love and sincerity you've showed us. i love you! mahal na mahal kita (i love you so much) i will miss talking to you, and acommpanying you in the bathroom, talking while brushing our teeth so we can't understand each other! hehehe thank you for the smiles and the laughter. thank you for provding me details about mr uptight hehehe. you know what i was really crying my butt out before and after i talked to you and sir albert! wahhh!!! i will miss you!!! i'll visit you when i go there ok? and then we'll go to hong kong! :) thank you thank you! i will be forever grateful for the wonderful friendship you've given me. you are really maganda inside and out. the authenticity you've showed us is deeply appreciated. thank you thank you! keep in touch ok? mwah!!!

ann nee(my enemy)
hey you 4 year old kid! i will miss bullying you! and i will miss hearing your annoying "punta ka sa mc donalds" cheer! mwah thank you for everything i hope you enjoyed your stay here in the philippines. i will write to you again. mwak! keep in touch!

to every one, i have so many things to say but the yearning is just to heavy, when things go back to normal i'll write to you again. and yes i'll send you the pictures as soon as i can! :)

for years

from: (for years) i wish someone were waiting for me somewhere by anna gavalda

** the years that followed had no effect on me. some days i'd be surprised to think:
"you know? ... that's strange... i don't think i thought about him yesterday...." but instead of congratulating myself, i'd wonder how that could've happend--how i'd managed to go a whole day without thinking of him. i was especially obssessed with his name. that and two or three very precise images of him--always the same ones.

** i never once asked myself whether i still loved him or what my exact feelings toward him were. that would serve no purpose. but i loved to find him at the detour of a moment of solitude. i miust say it, because it's the truth.

** "yes, exactly--it's like a pilgrimage. i guess your face is a place that touched my life"

** whenever she thought of him, she always got philosophical. she always pretended to smile over it or to understand somthing from it--whereas in reality she'd never understood a thing.

** she cries because her heart started beating again today, and for some time now she hadn't thought that was possible anymore. she'd had a harder life than she'd have imagained. she's mostly known solitude.

** she said that it had all made her too bitter, or too hard--in any case, too different from what she'd been before.

infinte blabbers (3)

went shopping with my mom and ate lori. fun we bought umbrellas.(that made mama really happy ;p) super cute umbrella polkadots with a hot pink border!! ;) made me happy too!!! :)

then went to taft to meet ice abby n ren, was supposed to meet them in baywalk but i got lost so they just decided to meet me in starbucks. while waiting for them for a long time (cause they got lost, again.. happens all the time ;P) read 3 short stories in the book i was reading entitled "i wish there is someone waiting for me somewhere" by anne gavalda. nice stories. stories about love and waiting, in different forms. i love it.

so then the girls arrived, oh how i missed them so much, can't keep the intensity, we were laughing out loud, talking too loud to fight the noise pollution outside. updated each other again, ren and abby said it is so much different now (beda) without us. and then i realized how sad it is indeed to go to school without your old friends... when sometimes the only inspiration that pushes you to go there are your friends... but now theyre gone... hmmm... signs of growing up when friends aren't always around anymore... i know. then updated each other about our nonexistent love lives, but except for ren of course. fun fun... then a few of our classmates dropped by! oh how i missed big john.

"namis kta!it shows ur hapy with wat ur doing ryt now.wlang bahid ng stres at lungkot sa mukha mo.:)" --ice

funny cause they kept on saying buti pa si ynna masaya na! masaya na nga ba ako? ewan ko? maybe, or maybe not, maybe im not happy but then again im not sad. i just feel fine now. now that i am one step forward to happiness i guess. nothing much is happening with my life, but all shall be well soon. :)

it's amma's bday today! i love you ate!!! so so much!!!

OAD (lit crit and poetry writing)

had class. Opehila Alcantara Dimalanta was good. it was quite an informal meeting. we talked about how to be a real artist. and she kept on asking about my views since she knows that my undergrad was philosophy. it was a fun interaction with a goddess. :)

stages of love

so i went to katipunan. was planning to take a cab, but the traffic was so heavy (hell) so went to kegarda at the lrt2 station sweating like a pig. got a cab and went to ateneo. super late as in!!! i stood up the entire time, since all the seats were taken (woo-hoo! galling naman nyx punong puno talaga) the play was funny as in! the crowd were receptive, they were laughing the whole time. so at the end of the play they called the tantanantan! directah! so nyx went to the stage, felt like a stage mom who was very proud of her gay son! hehehe i almost cried! anyway after that of course the director needs to socialize so i let him be, i waited for him. after that we went to the pocket garden to smoke. hmmm... after a couple of minutes guess who was coming... of course... pom. nyx kept telling me to say hi and be mature about it, i hesitated at first but then wgain what the hell after he said hi had no choice but to say it back! that was it no interaction after that. saw cha, and so i told nyx i want to go. so he chatted with them for a while then said his goodbyes. didn't say goodbye, i don't think i have to after all. or maybe i just didn't have the guts to do so.

after that we went to eastwood to visit sarah. she wasn't free so nyw and i decided to have our dinner first, it was my treat! for the job well done, so we went to somthine fishy to eat sinigang ne hipon! yum then we had a beer, after that we went back to coffee bean, so saree took a break and we drank beer again. after that we went home. :)

fun fun night, despite despite. but what irritates me is that since i saw him again, i can't seem to stop thinking about him again! rats! i'll get over this!!! ;P