black

look at the heart of the girl...

black...

frozen...

inside your heart

when it rains and you can't see the moon or a single star in heaven... look down in your heart they are just trying to reach for you...

and i smile... look down inside my heart and i see you...

much love from the mermaid under the dark ocean waves...

US together again

It’s 3:00 in the morning. I should be sleeping by now. I remember, ever since the day I left you I forgot how to sleep. I would gaze at the stars and the moon… waiting for a miracle. An apparition perhaps, an image of you… US together again.

When my body gets tired of waiting, when the roosters start to crow, in between sleeping and waking, in between dark and light, in between loss an love, I put myself to sleep. Praying that I would dream of you… US together again.

As you delve deeper in your peaceful slumber… think of me… be with me… again.

And now my body is tired, I am slowly fading away. The visions in front of me are turning into vague images… vague images of you... US together again.

As my love grows stronger, my body gets weaker… and you stay a little bit farther.

goodnyt

Tonight before I close my eyes once again to enter a new dimension. I would like to thank Him for every blessing he has given me.

• The water that flowed the whole day, created and ocean in my heart, I am once again a mermaid swimming in the cold pacific glory of the earth.
  
• To the angel who spoke to me in silence, listening to my silent screams at night, for giving my space a whole lot of meaning once again. From now on my language would speak of love in Any form, and my love will always radiate, hoping to reach you again.
• To the man who loved me dearly once upon a time. Thank you for breaking me, the pieces of my heart are bleeding with such profound emotions, you have given my art meaning once more. Every tear I shed for you will always grow into an ocean, and in time I would be able to swim ashore and be with the mermaids, hoping you’d follow me there one day, and be with me in the sanctuary I have built for Us.
• And to my father, thank you for inspiring me to become a good person like you. I know you are watching over me (I know you always do) and loving me from far away, but I will always feel you inside my heart, never too far Daddy, never too far. Your little baby will always seek for your guidance; I will find you gazing down at me every night, in every star that I see.
• To You my Creator, for bringing out the essence in me. You are indeed the source of my being. In every battle that I took, I saw you standing by, watching me. In every strangers eye I see you, through the smiles of my friends I feel you, in every embrace form my family I love you.
  

So goodbye to the sun, goodnyt
Oh pain will be gone for a while
A whileGoodnyt.(BC)

in the morning i will greet you goodnight

Can you feel the cold breeze? Frozen inside my shell, folded like a fetus. Abandoned. I am crying tears of pink pearls, I am sad, for I yearn the warmth of your skin, your being, and your love.

I can never cease to write… through every word I utter in silence are tiny droplets of blood from my heart… yes… I am bleeding… and needing… You.

I wonder if you feel the same abandonment, the same coldness, and the numbness, being frozen inside a shell, where no one can ever save you but yourself, and your love.

I can imagine you, sleeping in the comforts of your bed and your pillows. Wrap yourself up with a blanket I know you are cold. Feel my being in that fabric. Let me reach you through the thick comforts of that cloth… I will envelop you, and watch you in your deep slumber. Dream of me… let us love each other once again… even if it is only in dreams that we could be together again…

So sleep tight, stay in that serene slumber… rest your heart. Let us meet inside your heart once again… goodnight…

the darker... the warmer...

Today I woke up and the heaven is pouring heavily. I guess when it rains, that is the time when the heavens can no longer carry the tears it absorbed during those nights when the once loved and the once loving shed tears of despair and yearning… cold droplets of sorrow, the same feeling that the crying soul had felt during those empty nights alone, by herself, without anybody beside her to give her warmth just the glow of the moon and the twinkling stars…

Coldness it gets through your bones and makes you numb. I have realized that I am now numb. Numb by the trauma about the reality of living and leaving… I would protect myself from the bitter sting of coldness by wrapping myself with colorful sarongs of pink, purple, yellow and blue…

Sarongs, for me are like the warm ocean waves under the sun… not too cold… not too hot… just right for me… perfect…

Today is colder than any other day… my hands and my feet are turning blue… perhaps my heart too… frozen inside, no warmth, no love, just leaving and dying.

I miss the sun, the sun that makes me feel beautiful and alive, no matter what. I miss the way it caresses my skin, the bronze effect on me… oh how lovely thy skin! My shadow, the most wonderful gift from the sun… the brighter the sun shines the darker the shadows are, heavier… filling up the space beside me, filling up the space inside me…

Today I am missing you, missing love, missing warmth, and missing My Sun.

goodbye to the angel in silence

the angel that watched me silently from a far is leaving... to join the others in thier flight to the abyss of unending joy... she who once shared with me the glory of the Unspoken word will now remain in silence...

i found her talking to me inside the blank screen that provided me with space in which i can speak my language of silence... for once, somebody stopped and heard my scream in silence...

but tonight she had said her goodbye... no explantions, only tears... like the stranger she always was but i have always known... will fly in her beautiful white wings... i will miss her... i will always listen to her voice found in the air under the moon and the stars...

i know in time we will meet again...

i hope my love reaches her......my love found under the dark ocean waves...

you who heard my silent screams

the angel who heard my silent scream

better than chocolate

Lightness
Electric currents
Vibrating on her chest
An effect from the boy's kiss
Vivifying
The sanity in her
The love is just too real
Like the sweetness
From chocolates
But better
Still lingers in her mouth
Love so real
She could almost touch it
Enveloped in his arms
A sudden rush of happiness
Opens the door
To the splendid crown of love.

Swimming in Cycles and Circles

I love you. (I just needed to say that.)
I miss those times when I utter those three words and you can still hear them. Now that I am too far, too far, too far, can you still hear me?

As I lie on top of this cold sea foam, my hair swaying with the dark waves of the ocean, I can feel the full moon stare at me, with pity. Circle, cycle, circle, a new cycle, with out you. Actually the second, and counting… I am flowing, drifting in a new cycle alone. No friendly face to welcome me for I forced myself to dwell deeper into the ocean, alone. To hide from my loved once, for I only end up hurting them as they feel the heaviness of the burden I carry as I utter words of yearning and tears of longing. To hide from you, as I give you the space you need to find the path the led you to my heart once upon a time.

When you find the path once more, join me into this dwelling place I built only for the two of us. I am loving you from far away, yet I can’t help but cry out your name, wishing that you’d hear me from down here under the dark ocean waves, for I am yearning to be near you once more.

When I left you that night I went straight into the ocean, I let the current comfort me, calm me, and embrace me. For I feel fragile, like a starfish out of the sea, I yearn to be close to the waters, close to you, for the love we shared was an ocean, for a mermaid like me, it was what sustained my inner glory to swim out of the wilderness, free and beautiful. I am now living down here, in my dwelling place still not fit to be christened my sanctuary, for you are too far, too far, too far away from me.

I became the Goddess I’ve always dreamed of, but powerless, for you are not with me love, the source of my being. At the bottom of the blue waves I swim in circles, cycles, circles, cycles, circles, not knowing what to do, now that you are not with me.

I am wondering if you are still thinking of me, if you still love me, if you are longing to swim next to me, once again, but perhaps up there where the sun caresses your skin, ecstasy and reality comes forth to comfort you. And you realize that you no longer need the sanctuary I built for us. Like the sun that could never kiss the ocean for it would end up powerless, you run away because you know that up there is your Home.

But I will not lose hope; you can still be the moon that watches its beauty on the crystal cloth of the ocean. Until then my love I will wait for the ocean waves to bring you to me. Until then, until forever you will always have a place here in my abode of purple, yellow, and pink pearls, wherever you are, wherever you are, wherever you are, hear the echo of my heart. I will wait patiently. So swim, swim, swim… swim back to me. Love, love, love, love me once again. Love me forever.

11/27/4

4:00am

slipping inside the gray

I am stranded. I am lost, and floating. The night I left you until tonight, your memory still lingers. Hurting me, stronger by each day that comes. Haven’t seen you in a long while, I miss you.

Bring me another used shirt of yours. I like the way it smells. I like the way you smell. And now as I write to you I am wearing that old gray shirt you left a month ago. I wear it every night, after shedding tears of longing and regret I would slip into your shirt. I can still smell you, as if you never left. It comforts me a little. Knowing I still have something that could remind me of you.

I’ve been so unproductive lately. I know it’s wrong and I’ll try my best not to sloth anymore. But please promise me one thing, come back to me. I am tired of being alone. Again. Now that I have found my love I would do anything to have you back.

Can you hear me when I shout out your name at night in between the thick whisper of the wind and the salty river that streams down my cheek?

11/24/4
5:30 am

from the Little Lady in the Little Black Dress, in Little Black Mood

this happened the day after i broke up with pom(we went to radioactive sago's urban gulaman launch)... nerisa del carmen guevara... is a friend a sister and even a mom... she was my professor in my lierature and art appreciaiton classes... we became friends right after our first meeting in class and up until now we are still friends... she was one of the reasons why i am so in touched with my artistic side... she made me realize that i am an artist... and that i am beautiful no matter what... dreaming to be fashion icons and fashion designers one day... we share the same sanctuary... the sea... we are mermaids who are still in search for the perfect pearl palace... and the perfect merman to marry...

for me: "she of the dark winding curls. the cleft lip is beautiful no matter what."-nerisa del carmern guevara

Came from work and took my little baby curl with me to the launch. She had just broken up with her first love. At her apartment, I told her, dress in light and bright colors to fight that dark mood. I helped her into a white baby tee and a lilac boufant skirt, white snakeskin purse. Patted her wittle curly head and shoved her into a cab. (I believe, in retrospect, that breaking up with your first love is the most terrible event in anyone's life. Before that was childhood and the purest bliss. Then after that is an equally pure oblivion. Nothing is the same after that. Ever. It is the beginning of all endings to come.)

of grayish pink

as i slip my body
into your shirt
the shirt
you left at my heart
when you walked
out the door.
i remember
evrything
about you. love
of grayish pink.
the color
of loss and love.

that is all i have.
memories.
i will cherish
and keep them
locked
inside
my shell.

the only way
to be with you
is through
remebering

forgetting:
turning everything
into Darkness
remebering:
brings you
to life

Distance

the distance between us took your love away from me. when will you answer my loud shrieks in the whisper of silence? i am bound to fall deeper into the Darkness... when will you unbreak me?

a poem for you

the dark sky
is grey
once more.

dusk:
in between
dark and light

that is where
i am
stranded
in the middle
of letting go and
holding on

i stare back
at the sky
a burst of sunlight
is blinding me
eyes. swollen
from crying

hurt:
after staring
at the sun
meaning is lost
words untouched
walls
still cold
between
letting go
and moving on
i am cought
in between.

Birthday letter for my Dad

happy birthday! it's your first birthday with Him. i wonder how you celebrate birthdays up there. but i want to picture you as a young man, at the age of 30 perhaps. you're wearing a cool 70's outfit. i've always admired you in that brown checkered top and brown pants... oh and that brown beret too, exactly the way you looked on the photograph that mommy showed me a couple of months ago...

i bet you miss us too. but now that you are up there at the garden of God... where blue clean rivers flow... ( i can almost here the water gushing from down here) you miss us in a way only you could explain.

i miss the way you look pa, the way you stroll down our driveway everymorning. i miss the love that radiates from you.

mommy misses you so much. who could ever forget you Pa. you've been our angel here on earth, and even now that you're up there, you're still our angel.

much love pa, much love from all of us... especially from me... i hope it reaches you...

until then...

love,
ynna

november 25, 2004
8:30 pm

End

i made this letter right after breaking up with him...

Every beginning has its end and today is the end of that beginning. Exactly a year ago November 10, 2003 I met him at a friend’s house. It started out as a casual hi I’m Ynna and hi I’m Pom. After two days I totally fell for him, I couldn’t really say that I fell in love right at that moment but I know I fell for him. After two months we were on. It felt really great. The thing called love that everybody was talking about, I finally felt it. It was undeniably good, in fact it was more than good, it was great. Suddenly my whole world revolved around him. I have learned to care deeply for someone other than my self. And it was more satisfying to share that love with someone you know deserves it. It was a bumpy joy ride falling in love with him. It wasn’t a perfect relationship but I tried my best to take care of it. And I know that some way or another I succeeded. But he was right I’m not supposed to be the one to save him. And perhaps it is just right that we ended it now before its too late. Before neither of us can save our own life. The man that I love dearly, Pom is indeed a man that is so worthy to fight for, but I guess that’s not how he sees himself and I cannot do anything about it. He must first realize that he is worthy to be loved. I on my part could say that yes he is worthy to be loved, he deserves to be loved for he is such a wonderful person. But I am hoping that this end would change a whole lot about us. I am praying that in time when he is ready to come home, that we would be a better person stronger and more mature. I am not going to deny the fact that right at this moment I am not hoping that he’d come back to me. I am, and I will wait for him. I really love him and I hope he knows that I really do. I guess I’ve seen this coming, this end. And now as I enter a new life as I start a new day without him I am hoping that I would continue to grow into that beautiful woman that I know I should be. And after a while I hope he does grow too and then everything would turn into something beautiful again.

November 10, 2004
3:15 a.m.

Past

past. past tense. leaving... gone... as i write to you i realize all the words i scribble down talk about the past. words such as; said, smelled, looked, felt, and loved.

is that what you are to me? is that what you've become? are you my past, the one i used to share my life with? used to? have you become my life's shadow, that the only way i could see you is when i look back. are you not the same river i stepped on to once? will you be the one who should not be named?

if only i could choose, i would not say yes to all these questions. i am not losing hope, today i sat on God's lap, Alone. and i cried and i cried until i got tired. all He did was stare at me and then suddenly he embraced me tight. and that was all that i need. i may have lost you but i will never lose God, He will never leave me and so i know that i will never lose hope, i will never lose love. and if i'd continue hoping, if i'd continue loving, and if i'd continue believeing on love then maybe i will never lose you.

sayang...

sigh... wala na kami eh...

from a fellow sea creature in passing

i didn't do anything productive today. now that i''vre realized that i feel more depressed. i slept the entire day, it was at around 6:00 pm when decided to check my hi5 account. then there i saw this message from ANTZ i don't really know her... but what's intresting is that she wrote me a letter about the recent journal entry i wrote. that journal entry originated from my Green Apple notebook, it was a letter for pom, but i don't have any intention to give it to him, i just wrote it for my own pleasure, anyway i posted that entry here at my blog, the very first entry. you can check it if you want. and i'm going to post the letter that "Antz" sent me.


Subject:
a fellow sea creature in passing...

Message:
i was searching for a friend named "ynna" when your artistic picture caught my attention. i "accidentally" read through your journal entry.. Oopps.. i guess it wrong for me to use that word... i read through it intentionally as i was drawn by your strong words until it ended with a (.)

i would like to say thank you. you write very well.. those were beautiful words with so much depth and profoundness. i envy your gift, your words expressed are my feeling repressed... and somehow i maybe saw myself in you...

you're right.. indeed maybe the mermaids sent you those gifts.. for they would glady welcome you into their abode.. for it to be your sanctuary as well.. but i am definite.. that you will also be a gift to them.. and in turn.. amidst the darkness, these creatures underneath would push you to rise up the ocean floor so you may experince the radiance of sunlight once again... there is so much fear in the dark only when we have lost our grasp of our ultimate Strength.. your Creator brought you to it.. He will bring you through it..

i read somewhere that when you hold the sand too tightly in your hands, you tend to lose more.. sometimes we just have to learn to let go.. hard and painful as it may seem.. but it is also in this way that we love and grow more...

sometimes we just have to open our shells a bit and let that streak of light coming from the stars above bring back that strength that is within us.. let that glow from the deep blue sky be known to you.. it is the Creators manifestation of great love for you..

life is waiting.. someone one's wrote : We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is part of the tapestry of living ---the fabric in which the threads are woven that tell the story of our lives.

waiting is a gift just as life is...

i dont really know if i am making sense to you. i just felt like giving it all back to Him by letting you know that your Father is with you in your battle..

GODBLESS!! your entry was an inspiration for me to write again... you have my prayers. :)

it's nice to know that even if i'm in this state of depression i can still inpire people. =)

serena

under the dark ocean waves i will wait for you

Yearning to be near you

saw your picture today. You look happy. You still look good. God! How I wish I could see you again. I miss the way you look, I miss those dark waves on your head. It reminds me of the ocean waves at night. Dark and mysterious. Scary, unpredictably scary, yet comforting. It brings out the excitement. A peek of the unknown, the unreachable, the one I could not hold on to, that is You. Early this morning I read the notebook where I used to document everything, all your messages, all my emotions, all about us. And I remebered how much you loved me. How patient you were. How happy we once were. A documentation of our love affair. I don't know why I wrote everything down, maybe because I want to remember everything, every minute, everyday, every Love. I guess I knew that this day would come, when all that I can hold on to are the memories. The memories that I was once the loved and the loving. I tried to scribble down you face, your gestures, your smile, your hair, you scent, your shadow, your hands, your things, your breath, your warmth, your eyes that disappears when you smile, the wholeness of you. My words are the only thread that binds me to you. I guess that is why lately all I do is write to you. Perhaps I am hoping I could reach you once again, like what I did before. Through my words, through my soul, I reach out to you. Longing; yearning. The desire to be with you once again. To feel your breath on my skin, to feel your should caressing mine. I ache at evryminute since the day I lost you. My heart is tattered but it is still beating for you. All I can think of right now is you. you have become the veil of the moon that comforts me at night, when all is calm and resting, while I in my little corner on earth, neither awake nor asleep, scream through soft whispers. I sit down under the misty crescent, on top of the banig I have unfolded, later when I can no longer stop the pain that is eating me I lie down and crumple like a fetus. Helpless and abandoned.

HOME

i have recently realized that i am afraid of the Dark. Lately i fear the sunset, when the time of day comes when the sun and the open mouth of the sea swallows it, beautifully. of vibrant orange, yellow and purple. later Pink. a beautiful scene i look forward to when i go to the beach after i colect pretty sand dollars. i wonder if the mermaids sent them to me, for future use. when i'd finally give up my life on land, and finally let the waters embrace me, like i've always dreamed of. then i would buy a beautiful house of pink pearls beautifully decorated infront of the door. seashells of oceangreen, would be the color of the house, the tiles of the floor would be of bluish purple snails. pretty pink corals would be all over the house, and the roof, the house won't have one, i want it open for me to still be able to taste the sunkist rays of the yellow sun. after i furnish the house, i will call it a HOME. and i will wait for you to come back home to me. i would have you forever. no space, no time would exist for eternity would now be ours. but after the great love making of the sun and the ocean, DArkness engulfs the entire paradise i have created. Darker, Dareker, Dark. and as i look up at the sky, prayin taht light would exist again the clouds fail me. no stars, the sky, has died. like what is happening to me right now, i am dancing to the tune of death. and fear engulfs me, tears streaming down my cheeks, as hot as the lava from the volcano from hell. i am afraid for tonight and everynight since i've lost you, i never felt so alone. as the night grows darker, my tears flow stronger, creating an ocean of salt on my lap. as i stare at that ocean, i see my reflection of a lost love and a waiting soul. forever my love shall i wait for you. for now i have learned that love is a battle and i am a fearless soldier ready to fight. and as the sun slowly awake from the deep slumber with the ocean, as it starts to wave at the mountains, i am again prepared to face the battle. the battle called you.