talambuhay 2

college...

1st yr

college bagong salta sa maynila buti nalang at kasama ko ang ate ko sa bahay kaya hindi ako masyadong na homesick at kasama ko rin si jonas sa bahay kaya lang noong second sem lumipat na rin sia sa ibang bahay. sa UST ako nagaral ng kursong pilosopiya. noong uno hindi ko alam ang pasikot sikot ng unibersidad, nakakaaliw, bagong mundo kaya tatang tanga pa ako. noon nga nagpapahatid pa ako kay jonas dahil sa takot maging magisa... oo noong mga panahong ito hindi pa ako sanay magisa, madalas nagpapasama pa ako sa ate kong pumunta ng mall, dahil bukod sa baka mawala ako, takot lang talaga akong mag isa.


pagpasok ko sa eskwela ang una kong naging kaibigan ay si garnet na pareho kong probinsyana, at iloka na rin, galing sia ng ilocos.at dito ay nagkaroon ako ng culture shok ng makasalamuha ko sila, pasantabi sa mga dati kong kaklase wala akong masamang ibig sabihin, ang akinh lang eh, iba't ibang personalidad kasi ang sumambulat sa akin. at dito ko nakilala ang mga taong cowboy at konti lang ang arte sa katawan, hindi tulad ng mga kaklase ko ng highschool. pagkalipas ng ilang araw doon ko na nakilala sila meg, ning, lyndon,father, at si nikki, at wag nating kalimutan ang ang artista daw na kaklaseng sil louie. ang gwapo nia, crush cia halos lahat nga mga kaklase ko pwere si meg na kahit obvious naman na naging crush nia ay hinid parin nia inaamin hanggang ngaun. sobrang kilig dahil pinahiram nia ako ng jacket nia nung giniginaw ako... at sympre inggit ang mga kklase kong babae. kinabukasan naubusan ng tagahanga si louie noong magsout sia ng civillian, pano para siang hinugot mula sa taong 1980 na bitin na pantalon at naka tuck in pa! at diyan nagtapos ang career ni louie sa buhay namin.

dito rin sa panahong ito nagkaroon ng gusto sa akin si lyndon ang kabarakada namin, eh dahil ayaw ko ng tinatalo iniwasan ko sia kahit na umiiyak sia, at gusto nia akong makausap, dahil sa kasamaang eto lumayo at nagalit ang una kong mga barkada sa kolehiyo. nagalit sila sa kasamaang ipinakita ko. hindi ko namn mapigil ang loob ko kung ganoon ang nararamdaman ko, kaya minabuti ko nalang din lumyo sa kanila pansamantala kahit kami ay nagkabatibati narin. at dito ko naging kaibigan sila jht, dhing at loi. at oo ako nanaman ang kaisaisang babae, at naging bago namang kaibigan ng mga dati kong kabarkada si grtechen.

sa mga panahong ito kami namulat sa kagandahan ng pilosopia, na naging obsesyin na namin, ito ang nakapagpabago sa karamihang mga pananaw namin sa buhay. at laking pasasalamat namin na dahil dito hindi na kami naging normal magisap hanggang ngaun.

2nd yr

second year college ako nang magasawa ang ate ko at namatay si rico yan, walang kinalaman si rico yan dito, naalala ko lang. at napilitan akong lumipat sa bahay nila tina dahil ayoko namanng magdorm. at dito ko naranasan ang pagka homesick. dito ko naramdaman ang unang tunay na kalungkutan, ng tuluyan na akong mahiwalay sa aking pamilya. at akala ko dito rin kami magiging close lalo ni tina ngunit salungat ang nangyari, kami ni chai ang bunso niang kapatid ang naging magkaibigan. hindi ko alam pero lumayo ang loob namin ni tina sa isa't isa, aminin man namin o hindi. sa panahong ito rin ako sumubok mag workshop, at kumanta sa music museum.

dito rin sa panahong ito dumami ang mga kaibigan ko dahil sumama ako sa politikal org nila jhet. naging masaya ang pagkakaibigan namain hanggang sa nagkagusto si loy sa akin at naging ganun rin ang kwento nia gaya ng kay lyndon. at dito na nagsimulang bumalik ang relasyon ko sa mga dati kong kabarkada.

dito sa panahong ito nagkakilanlan ang bawat isa sa section namin dahil sa duladulaan namin sa english. at dito nabuo ang magandang samahan naming magkakaklase.

3rd yr

dito na tumindi ang pagkakaibigan naming lahat, at halos nawala na ang paggugrupo grupo namin, at naging isa na kami. masaya dahil dito rin ako nagumpisang magsulat at magpinta uli. dahil cguro sa impluwensya ni mam guevara. at hindi lumaan naging magkaibigan kami.

sa panahong ito rin nakita ng mga kaklase ko ang kakayahan ko sa pamimilosopo na napili nila akong magdeliver ng isang proyekto sa philosophy congress kung saan lahat ng magagaling na unibersidad ay nagtipon tipon.

dito na rin nagbalik si nico, yung naikwento ko kanina na dati kong kaklaseng nagpunta sa states. pag punta nia dito talagang ilang na ilang talaga ako. tapos gusto nia pa akong makausap, sympre ang nasa isip ko parin eh sasabihin nia sa aking gustio nia ako. matagal baga nia ako nakumbinsing kausapin sia. hanggang sa nakapagusap na kami. at doon ko naranasan ang first heart break ko, ng sabihin niang ako ang ideal girl nia ngunit hindi pwede maging kami dahil... isa siang bading. iyak iyak iyak... at maramin pang iyak, hanggang hindi lumaoon pagbalik nia dito para magaral na ng kolehiyo ay napatawad ko na rin sia. hanggang sa napadalas na ang pagtulog ko sa bahay nila at doon ko na kilala si POM. at dito nagsimula ang maraming pagbabago sa buhay ko.

si pom sa buhay ko...

nung una crush crush at konting landian lang. hindi lumaon nagkagusto na nga kami sa sia't isa. at bago matapos ang school year, birthday ni charo january 17, 2004 naging kami. cia ang anang boyfriend ko, ang unang lalaki sa bhay ko.

ngunit tulad ng maraming magandang mga bagay kailangang matapos ng aming kwento.

pagkatapos ng aming kwento nagsimula naman ang kwento namin ni antz ang aking kapatid sa maraming paraan.

sa panahong ito rin tuluyang nagpaalam ang tatay ko. napakasakit dahil hindi ko akalaing sandaling panahon lang ang pinagsamahan namin, ngunit alam ko na balang araw magkikita rin kami uli.

4th year

ang huling taon ko sa kolehiyo na nagkaroon ng maraming kumplikasyon, ngunit tulad nga maraming bagyo lumipas rin ito. at tuluyan na kaming nagkahiwahiwalay ng aking mga kaklase.

bakasyon nito ng uno kong mapuntahan ang puerto galera kasama ni antz, at unang pagkakataon rin kung saan nadapa ako at pinilit bumangon para sa aking kinabukasan.

1st year lawschool

dito sinubok kung tuparin ang pangrap ng aking mga magulang at kapamilya para sa akin, ngunit sadyang hindi ako naging masaya. ngunit wala akong pagsisisi at hindi ako naghihinayang sa isang taong ginugul ko sa pagaaral ng law, dahil nakilala ko ang mga magagandang taong mamahalin ko habang buhay.

at dito ko rin nadanas ang pagkapahiya at sobrang takot sa harap ng guro. at sumali rin ako ng sorority. naging masaya ang aking buhay sa law school.

at ngayon susubukin ko ang buhay na gusto kong tahakin... hanggang dito nalang muna... :)

talambuhay 1

nagbabasa ako ngaun ng stainless longganisa ni bob ong kaya siguro ako natuwang subukang magsulat sa tagalog... sinubukan ko kasi noong magsulat ng tula sa tagalog at lumabas na katawatawa. nagtry maging seryoso at madrama... wa epek naman! hehehe

ayun so hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan... ang dami kong gustong isulat... kaya lang yung iba dapat hidni mabasa ng ibang tao... kung sa bagay... wala naman sigurong masyadong nagbabasa ngaun... lalo na busy na ulit at malapit na ang pasukan... pero eto susubukan ko ng umpisahan...

preschool...

nung preschool ako ewan wala pa akong masyadong maalala, 3 years old palang kasi ako nung eh... puro lang kwento ng nanay ko... ang natatandaan ko lang eh yung paghugas ko ng kamay na natagalan dahil nakikipagkwentuhan ako sa kakalase ko... napagalitan tuloy kami ng teacher. anyway.... ayun nung nursery ako sabi ng nanay ko, syempre umpisa ng klase yung mga bata hindi sanay maiwan ng mgma nanay nila o yaya (sosyal kasi yung school ko kahit ganun yung pangalan... lahat daw halos ng mayayaman dun nagaaral... ewan ko nga kung bakit nasama ako dun eh) so ayun na nga syempre since hindi sanay maiwan ang mga kaclase ko naiiyakan daw sila... ako naman daw wala deadma lang... tapos nang sumunod na linggo syempre ok na yung mga kaklase ko sanay ng maiwan... cguro sa isip isip ko nun: aba it's my time to shine! kaya ako naman ang umiyak! (o dba bata palang ako papansin na... at ayaw makisabay sa uso!)

tapos nalipat ako sa ibang school kasi lumindol nun nasira yung tulay na nagdudugtong sa bundok namin as sa syudad. kaya ayan ewan cguro akala nila matalino ako hindi na nila ako pinagkindergarten, nag prep na agad ako! o dba?!

gradeschool...

ang pinakanaaalala ko eh noong grade3 ako huling taon ko na doon kasi sabi ng kuya ko ilipat na uli ako sa dati kong eskwelahan... kasi sa eskwelahan na yun pag recess pinapababa kami sa canteen at dun kami lahat dapat kumain ng meryenda... ewan ko ba... gumana ang katarantaduhan ko... pumunta ako sa classroom namin, tapos ang ginawa ko kinuha ko yung mga lapis nga pinakamalapit kong kaibigan para itago... tapos nagpunta na ako ng banyo... aba akalain nyo bang pagbalik ko nagkakagulo na sila kasi nawawala yung mga lapis... tapos sa isip isip ko nun... naku lagot na! ang dating eh ninenok ko yung lapis... sablay ang pinakauna kong practical joke... tsk... tsk... tsk...

at noon sa eskwelahan ding yon ang isa pa sa naaalala ko eh paborito ako nung advicer namin si Mrs. Irene Siapno... ewan cguro kasi ang cute cute ko nun, ang liit liit ko kasing bata tapos cute din talaga ako noon ewan ko nga ba bakit hindi na ngaun! lagi ngang ganun yung tanong nila sa akin pag tinitignana nila yung photo album namin eh. bad trip.

elementary2...

ayan nakabalik na ako sa eskwelahan para sa mayayamang bata, pagbalik ko kinailangan kong magsummer kasi naman dun sa eskwelahang pinanggalingan ko walang geometry grade four pa ata magkakaroon ng ganung subject, kaya ayun napilitan akong pumasok kahit bakasyon. at dun ko nakilala ang kaibigan kong si jonas, pareho kaming lilipat sa eskwelahang yung, bagong salta kung baga... puro mga lalaki ang mga kaklase namin... mga mahihina ang utak kaya nga nagsasummer eh. tapos pagkatapos ng summer ayan pasukan na, pang hapon ang una kong eskedyul, noong una tahimik ako, sympre wala pa akong kilala nun, may batang nakikipagkaibigan sa akin, hindi ko maysadong pinansin, binigay ko lang yung pangalan, ewan nakakairita kasi eh pabibo! hinihintay ko si jonas yung kaibigan ko nung summer class, aba pagdating ng kaibigan ko, tanggal ng shades tapos biglang bagsak ng bag, asteeg diba ang anga. pero pagkatapos ng ilang araw inilipat na rin ako ng mga magulang ko sa pang umagang eskedyul kasi hindi naman daw pala ako malilate pag yun ang eskedyul ko. ayan so ang dami ko nga nakilalang mga bata, at doon ko nakilala ang bestfriend kong si tracy, meron pa kaming isang kaibigan si honsety kaya lang lumipat sia ng eskwelahan nung sumunod na taon kaya hindi na namin sia nakasama, pero oks lang yun sa akin, hindi ko sa masyadong gusto eh. tapos dun ko narin nakilala ang pinakauna kong crush, naku ang gwapo gwapo niang bata, kaya lang masyado siang gwapo para mapansin ako, karamihan ng mga crush ko noon eh naging kaibigan ko lang. at hindi pa masyadong masaklap ang dating ng ganong pangyayari sa akin kasi nga bata pa naman ako.

masaya naman ang naging buhay ko ng mga taong eto. puro lang laro at saya ang pinaggagagawa. bata kasi, naisip ko tuloy ang sarap balikan kasi hindi pa ganun karami ang pangangailangan ko, kung baga simple lang ang mga nakakapagpasaya sa akin noon, at hindi ko pa nadaranas ang matinding kalungkutan. ng mga panahong eto madalas kaming inaabot ng hapon se eskwelahan kasi nageensayo kaming sumyaw, o dba dancer pala ako noon. ayan ang aking elementary days... puro saya at laro.

highschool...

sa mga panahong ito unti unti ko nga nadidiskubre ang mga kalukohang kaya ko palang gawin. dito na yung natutu akong sumubok humithit ng yosi sa likd ng ospital sa tabi ng eskwelahan namin. at dito ko rin naranas kung paano malasing at magkaroon ng hang over pag gising mo sa umga. masakit pala talaga sa ulo.

dito rin da panahong ito nabuo ang amin barkada na Star. marahil napangiti ka sa kakornihang yan pero wala akong pakialam, hindi rin naman kami ang may pakanang matawag nun eh, mga kaklase namin ang nagbinyag noon sa amin. marahil naitanung mo kung bakit star? star kasi kami daw ang pinaka sikat na mga bata sa school, paano nasa grupo na namin ang pinakamatalino, pinakamayaman, pinakamayabang, pinakabully, pinakamaingay, lahat na yata ng pinaka nasa amin, pwera na cguro ang pinakamaganda, nasa kabilang grupo sia sa Circle (circle of bitches) ayos lang kung maasar sila ang tawag naman nila sa amin eh FB feeling beautiful, kaya patas lang tau mga cra! bwahahaha!

dito na rin nabuo ang walang kakwenta kwenta naming banda ng mga kaklase kong lalaki, oo 1 of the boys talaga ako noon pa. minsan nga ako ang dakilang yaya ng mga gaghong yan eh. andyan na yung pag heartbroken nanaman yung bestfriend kong lalaki nakahanda na ang ice na panggamot sa namamaga nyang kamao mula sa pag suntok sa pader, minsan ulo na inuumpog ni gago. sa mga panahong ito rin ako nagkaroon ng mga matitinding crush at love teka hindi ito totoong love, infatuation lang ika nga nila. karamihan ng nagusuhan ko eh mga naging malapit sa akin pero hindi sila kagapuhan eh... minsan nga natatawa nalang ako pag naaalala ko kasi wala pala akong taste!

sa magitan ng mga panahong ito eh marami akong kagaguhang nagawa, hindi ko alam kung natural lang pero karamihan nga ng kabarkada ko mas malala pa sa akin, kaya cguro nga normal lang ang mga nagawa ko noon.

dito rin sa mga panahong ito kami nagkahiwalay ng landas ng matalik kong kaibigang si tracy nagkaroon sia ng ibang mga kaibigan at ganun rin naman ako, pero ayus lang bestfriends parin naman kami hanggang ngaun.

sa panahong ito rin ako nalibang sa pagsisilbi sia Diyos, lagi kaming nagpupunta sa mga retreat ng kaibigan kong si tina, madalad pa kaming magaway bago makarating doon. dito ko nakilala ang mga iba't ibang klase ng tao. dito na yung nasubukan kong matulog sa sahig, maligo sa maduming banyo, at dito ko rin naranasang magpunta sa BAcolod sakay ng Negros Navigation. ang saya dahil first time yun na lumakbay akong hindi ko kasama ang mga kaklase ko o kapamilya ko.

at highschool din 3rd to be exact noong una akong dinatnan ng mens, ako sa buong batch namin ang hindi pa dinaratnan noon kaya akala mo piyesta ng nakita nilang may tagos ang palda ko. ang mga kaklase ko eh nagsilabasan pa sa mga classroom nila para lang tuksuhin akong dalaga na ako. naging cheerleader din ako ng mga panahong ito, nakakahiya mang aminin ngunit oo naging cheerleader ako, ako yung mga pinagtatatapon nila sa ere kasi ako ang pinakamaliit sa batch namin. at syempre maraming galit sa akin noon ng mga bakla at cheerleader sa kakumpitnsya naming eskwelahan, meron yung minsan eh inaway ako ng mga bading, na hindi ko naman kilala, sympre dahil sa marami akong kaibigang nasa varsity noon nagsumbong ako, sinugod nila ang baklitang pumutok an butse, sinidak, kinabikasan hindi pumasok, nagkasakit sa takot. at dahil nga marami akong kaibigan sa varsity andiyan na rin yung napilitan silang ipasok yung crush ko sa 3rd year dahil pinilit ko sila.

sa huling taon ko sa highschool nagbalik ang dati naming kaklase, si nico, dati nung nasa elementary palang kami akala namin bakla sia kasi nasa kilos nia na mejo malambot, at lagi yang nagpapaiyak ng bata bully talaga kung bully. pinagaaway nia ang mga kaklase nia, iyan ay ilan lang sa mga kasamaang pinaggagawa nia. pumunta sia ng estados unidos pagkatapos ng graduation namin sa elemntary para ipagpatuloy ang pagaaral doon. nagbalik nga sia noong 4th year highschool kami, pero para lang bumisita. tandang tanda ko pa na nakita ko sia sa art room kung saan kasalukuyan kaming nagpipinta. dahil hindi ko naman sia naging kaklase naging hi hello at plastic na kamusta ka na ang naging usapan namin, hanggang sa lumaon naging close kami dahil kay tina,sila kasi yung magkaibigan noon pang elemntary. ayan na yung madalas na kaming magkasama, pero sympre kasama pa rin si tina. tapos naging madalas ang usapan namin sa fone, na pati ang kapatis niang babae eh naging katelebabad ko na rin. oo naging crush ko sia, pano ang gwapo bago sa paningin ko yung mahabang buhok, at mejo rugged ang datinf, may fashion statement kung baga, mga kaklase ko kasing lalaki noon basta lang mahal at detatak ayus na sa kanila. hanggang sa kinailangan na niang magpaalam dahil babalik na sia sa states para tapusin ang highschool, syempre lungkot na lungkot at iyak talaga ako ng iyak. pero pinangako naman namin sa isa't isa na araw araw kaming mageemail. kaya lang bago pa man sia nakarating sa states eh nabanggit na ng bestfriend niyang si genie na crush din daw nia ako, eh ang ugali ko noon na pag gusto ako ng crush ko ayaw ko na. at mula noon eh naging madalang na ang pagsusulatan namin. hanggang sa mabaling na ang aking atensyon sa isa pa naming kaklase, nagpacute sia sa akin, at gaya ng dati umyaw na ako nung naging crush nia ako. kaya buong highschool hindi ako nagkaroon ng boyfriend.

pero bokud doon naging masaya talaga ang highschool, ang pagtutuklas ko nga mga bagaong bagay, bagang pagtritripan, baong hilig at bagong kalokohan.

random

saying goodbye kills me a little (sometimes alot). you know what i realized it hurts more and it kills me more when i say goodbye to friends... especially to a sister. for the past few years death and leaving unfolded full blast. it gets tiring to deal with it sometimes.

i stumbled upon my old journals, way back in highschool. cute how i desperately wanted to know this thing they call love. funny to look back on those happy days... when all you care about is this stupid crush of yours and obsessing about it more and more. memories of young love... oh... young love, how less complicatd it was before.

now i am just typing away... without a special topic in my head...

hmmm... dear sister i will miss you a lot. bring all our good memories with you... in taiwan remember the special bond we have created. the friendship we call a miracle. i love you so much.

let's do it

Track Title:               Let's Do It (Let's Fall In Love)
Album Title:               Cole Porter Songbook, disc 2

Prime Artist:              Ella Fitzgerald
Producer:                  Norman Granz
Written by:                Cole Porter       (C. Albert P.)
From the Show:             Paris  1928 (S)


Lyrics:
Birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

In Spain, the best upper sets do it
Lithuanians and Letts do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it
Not to mention the Fins
Folks in Siam do it - think of Siamese twins

Some Argentines, without means, do it
People say in Boston even beans do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Romantic sponges, they say, do it
Oysters down in oyster bay do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Cold Cape Cod clams, 'gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish, do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Electric eels I might add do it
Though it shocks em I know
Why ask if shad do it - Waiter bring me
"shad roe"

In shallow shoals English soles do it
Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love



In old Japan, all the Japs do it
Up in Lapland little Laps do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

The chimpanzees in the zoos do it
Some courageous kangaroos do it
Let's do it, let's
fall in love

I'm sure giraffes on the sly do it
Even eagles as they fly do it
Let's do it, let's fall
in love

Electric eels I might add do it
Though it shocks em I know
Why ask if shad do it - garcon de
"shad roe"

The world admits bears in pits do it
Even Pekingeses at the Ritz do it
Let's do it, let's
fall in love

The royal set sans regret did it
And they considered it fun
Marie Antoinette did it -
with or without Napoleon

Parliament pleasure bent did it
Mam'selles every time their short of rent

Cold Cape Cod clams, 'gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish, do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Electric eels I might add do it
Though it shocks em I know
Why ask if shad do it -
Waiter bring me "shad roe"

In shallow shoals English soles do it
Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Dragonflies in the reeds do it
Sentimental centipedes do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Mosquitos,
heaven forbid, do it
So does every katydid do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

The most refined ladybug do it
When a gentleman calls
Moth in your rugs do it
What on earth, what's the use of balls?

The locusts in the trees do it
Why, even the bees do it
Even over-educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

The chimpanzees in the zoo do it
Some courageous kangaroos do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

I'm sure the giraffes on the sly do it
Heavy hippopotami do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Sloths who hang down from the twigs do it
Though the effort is great
Sweet guineapigs do it
Buy a couple and wait

The world admits bears in pits do it
Even Pekingeses in the Ritz do it
Let's do it,
let's fall in love

--after watching de-lovely...
it's a very funny and cute way of saying...
"yes... why not? let's all fall in love!

blue

in retrospect it was pure bliss... now it is blue...

failure

how does it feel when you finally get the courage to do what your heart desires, and then you fail since you lack the talent?

lesson:passion is not enough

mommy

in your arms i have found my refuge.
i love you so much mommy!

i will miss you

dear angel

i will miss you so...
there are no words...
only tears for now...
feel my love no matter what...

love
the mermaid under the dark ocean waves

dear sister... and so we're back to the blank pages of our screen... into the first world we shared... what an unending cycle of becoming! i love you so much!

long day

• saw caisa (premonition #1)
  
• took my exam (hope i'd pass)
• waited for ricci, by myself
• lunch
• lost ring-f.wilson (premonition #2)
  
• ate lorie hallucinating she saw pom (premonition #3)
  
• went to g4 to watch aquamarine (then saw pom) yeah what a surprise! texted everyone, stood up to talk to antz, bumped the two girls seated beside me, and the guy infront, shaking like crazy, hyperventilation, cold front seat plus the spot light, his friends curious glances, almost graceful exit)
  
• waited for antz, by myself
  
• waited for antz, by myself
• drank hot and cold smoothie (yum!)
  
• met her friends
• had a very cold conversation
• release, release, release
• antz place
• ate lorie over the fone
  
• tired na :) (deep sigh)

i'll write about this very interesting day... next time

i bought her flowers

It was 3 in the afternoon, e fell asleep while reading my law books, and suddenly I was awakened by a phone call. From the other end of the line I heard a broken voice, threatening to pour out into a storm of sobs, I could not believe what I heard and so I started asking questions, and I heard my voice grow louder and louder (in my desperation, maybe I was shouting at Him, hoping He can give me some answers). After I put down the phone, my hands were shaking like crazy, and I needed air so I opened my back door to grasp some air, I needed that, from the fear of getting suffocated. I dialed a number, and then it was my turn to pour out my sobs, eternal sobs. The voice on the other end of the line told me to breathe, but I can’t seem to follow her instruction, how can I, how can you breathe after receiving such news?

I went out of the house, straight to the flower shop, I wanted to surprise her, so I bought her I bouquet, I can’t wait to see her smile when she sees them, she always wanted flowers, I gave her one along time ago, and it made her happy.

As soon as I got home, our friends started calling me, they kept on asking the same questions I did a while ago. So I kept on answering them, not quite sure if I had the answers, but in my desperation to understand what was happening, I tried to answer them, in the hope of answering my questions as well.

After my friends have gathered on my bed, I cooked dinner for them, they bought beer, it was a feast, and it was a celebration perhaps, of what, I don’t know either. We were all caught up in frenzy so immense we could barely feel anything. We just stayed together, for strength perhaps, we talked, we smiled, we laughed until we cried, I cried until I can no longer contain it that they had to embrace me to let me feel the love I was losing.

After a doze of beer and pretentious strength we went inside the car, the lights seemed dimmer, the night seemed colder, and our hearts seemed to beat faster, but our bodies felt weaker.

As we reached our destination, we climbed the stairs, it was eerie and cold, it was as if the cold breeze sucked out the life out of us. And as soon as we reached the door, wry coldness welcomed us.

I embraced her mom, then her dad, as a sign of respect. I had to be strong for them, so I had let go.

And then I saw her, with her funny green dress (I am sure she didn’t like). She was wearing a pink fuchsia lipstick, (I think it looked great on her). Then I gave her the flowers, I am pretty sure it made her smile.

Then suddenly it was a blur, everything around me seemed so blasé.

I felt cold, inside. Then I hugged her, but I can no longer feel her warm cozy body. She was so near that I could smell her breath but the cold glass between us no longer allowed us to intertwine.

">

wandering Alone... and happy

UP

i went to UP a week ago to fix something. i was tempted to eat kwek kwek and chicken balls so i caved in, 2 guys were there eating as well. funny cause the other guy was making fun with how much his friend already ate. then i looked at what i was eating (hey! why make a big deal if me and your friend had more than 2 sets of kwek kwek and chicken balls!) after eating i bought yosi for me to puff while walking alone. then i decided to eat isaw, at first the idea of eating isaw alone didnt bother me, but as soon as i got there i wanted to back out cause everybody brought a peer group, but no! the isaw was way tempting than the stigma of being alone! hahaha. so i stood there in front of the trashbag (i had no place to go, i was alone remeber) so i just settled there in that tiny space, happily eating my isaw.

cafe by the ruins (565)

my brother asked me to go to Baguio with them and so i did. i was so excited by the idea of having a cup of tea and camote bread inside that cafe, while reading a book. so the following day, after enjoying a very very cold bath i went out, hailed a cab and went straight to chuntug. i ordered ruins herbal tea (i love the bittersweet lemony taste, you should try it). and so the waiter hurridly served ONE teapot, and TWO teacups. (im still wondering why he gave me 2!) but i didnt say anything, i politely told him to take away the other teacup cause i was alone.

hmmm... being alone, when i come to the realization that i am alone mixed emotions automatically come rushing, it is fun but sometimes, when i get tired with my "independent woman" facade i can't help but feel sad, then i would start wishing to be with somone, but after letting my thoughts wander, i again realize that it is indeed by fate and by choice to be alone. (i dont need to explain further, i just know.) :)

goodbye

i'll turn my back on the past... to embrace the future... it is my choice... goodbye.

home

puerto galera
hundred islandsbolinao

happy feet

these feet i shared my steps with to reach Homewaves
star
antz
amma nyx

yesterday

">yesterday was hmmm... quite ok...

after our sem2 exam, father pio asked me if i wanted to confess... so i said father im still not prepared can we just do this on monday, but he insisted and he said... "para lang tayong magkkwentuhan"
actually it was my first time to confess to a really close-priest-friend. so i was at first hesitant to confess, cause that would mean that i'd tell him everything... and i mean EVERYTHING. it was a very casual conversation, it didnt feel like i was confessing my sins, it just felt like i was talking lightly with my "lolo" (i love you father pio). it was really nice, i was able to pour out all the things i hid, and it was very enlightening, cause father was trying to explain, he was trying to make me understand things i didn't quite understand... enough self pity, it doesnt help... thank you father so much father. i will vist you soon.

before i went to tina's grad dinner, i had i fight with my friends... :( sigh i dont wanna talk about it.

but after all the drama, nyx,sar n joe went over my place, we drank rum coke(the cheapest way to get drunk) had our talks before sleep... philo shit, which made saree sleep, and ----------- stories hehehe... we will never get over her! :)

i miss my girls

sometimes it hurts to see your smile on a paper,
stillness captured and trapped into an apathetic space
where your memory lingers but vividness fades...

somtimes it hurts to see your smile,
not only does it melt my heart
but breaks it to so many pieces
untile numbness succumbs the space it left...

sometimes it hurts to think of you...

missing you every single day
your warm embrace
i miss cuddling you.
i miss you so much.
much love from the mermaid under the dark ocean waves

you don't bring me flowers

You don't bring me flowers
You don't sing me love songs
You hardly talk to me anymore
When you come through the door
At the end of the day

I remember when
You couldn't wait to love me
Used to hate to leave me

Now after lovin' me late at night
When it's good for you
And you're feeling alright
Well, you just roll over
And you turn out the light

You don't bring me flowers anymore

It used to be so natural
To talk about forever
But 'used to be's' don't count anymore
They just lay on the floor
'Til we sweep them away

And baby, I remember
All the things you taught me
I learned how to laugh
And I learned how to cry
Well I learned how to love
Even learned how to lie

You'd think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
'Cause you don't bring me flowers
Anymore

Well, you'd think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
'Cause you don't bring me flowers
Anymore

barbara streisand and neil diamond

But 'used to be's' don't count anymore
They just lay on the floor
'Til we sweep them away

--sad to realize that some things have to end.
sometimes you desperately need to remember evrything, so that even in make believe you can still feel what you have had, and what was there yesterday.
sad to think that when you remember, the memories you had just feels like a dream... and you try to ask... was there ever a time all of this were true... :,(

until we meet again...

As I type, a gaping hole steers my chest in a sway that makes me so numb it hurts. You don't say goodbye to friends. You tell them you'll see them soon, or that they should take care of themselves, or that they sleep tight or have sweet dreams. You don't say goodbye to friends.

-from my friend Carlos Dominguez

hmmm... as i think of words to type down, just to describe what i am feeling right now, it sinks deeper,. it becomes a concrete truth... the truth about saying goodbye and letting go.

i have realized that a year in lawschool wasn't a waste after all. i have grown more, and i've learned to appreciate love more. i always say that i am excited to fall in love and break my heart, cause i believe that i write better when i have such an emotion. i thought that only a relationship with someone, a man to be exact is the only relationship that could break my heart. but i was wrong, i was wrong.... i've realized that you can also fall in love with friends. i fell in love with you guys. and it hurts to think that i can count through my figners the days left... we are about to begin a new chapter in our lives, and i am sad because i know that we have to go our own separate ways, we have different dreams to fulfill. all i know is that i will miss seeing you in class, chatting while reading those gigantic books, drinking coffee while attempting to have a mastery of the law. hmmm... and it gets heavier still.

i want you to know that you have become a very big part of my life,. thank you for being my source of strength when i feel like giving up, for boosting my ego whenever lawshcool steps on my head. the tears, the laughters will always be remembered. the beer and the pinapple juice will always bring back the memories we've shared. i will miss seeing you struggling to stay up late just to finish whatever it is we need to accomplish. i will miss being friends with you intelligent girls. thank you for welcoming me into your group.

ren: my drinking buddy. i will miss reminding you to suck your stomach in! and i admire your way of handling things, i hope you could pass that on to me :) i will miss hearing your crazy (sometimes vulgar) questions, in time you yourself would be able to answer them, just with the right person ok? thank you for your straight forward opinions, sometimes your bitch slapping comments really help. those foodtrips at my place. i will miss you ren. thank you for the love and care you've shown and given me. i will miss you stoic girl.

abby: the meanest girl (hehehe) thank you so much for unfolding the real you. i hope you'd consider me as a friend. cause that would really mean alot to me. i hope you know what i mean. thank you for always reminding us that we have to be responsible and of course kind, at times when we sulk into drifting apart from the real world. i will miss your "inhaling" giggles, i will miss your new pants and your expensive (U2) jacket. you are a living proof that not all women are the same. (hahaha for crying out loud) i just wish you'd be able to find the right man, the ultimate love perhaps. don't forget to invite me to your wedding and your first baby's baptism... ok? im really excited to see you with a husband and a big belly (not like ren's of course) but a belly with a baby. learning is fun.... that's one thing i've learned from you... and we should continue to make it as our mantra to achieve excellence.. right?

ice: i will miss our episodes! i will miss being strong for you, and telling you things, i myself sometimes fail to follow. those spur of the moment trips we make, making new memories from the "ex-infested" areas. those food trips, the up trips. i will miss our shopping sprees together. thank you so much for all the laughter and tears in time we will discover real truth and beauty. just be strong, you are on the right track, i wish in time you'd be able to solve all your issues in life.... find yourself a prince, you deserve someone better. im sure of that. i love you so much. the free rides, sigh the list goes on i guess what im trying to say is that im gonna miss being a part of your daily life. i will miss pushing you to go to class, or making you cry because of my ghost stories. ice sobrang thank you sa lahat lahat... mahal na mahal kita... :)

girls, take care ok... God Bless you always...

friends don't say goodbye... they say.... until we meet again.... (bittersweet)

dreaming of dad

it was a calm sunny day... i was driving my car, and i gave you a ride, we went to the beach, my Home...with its calm waves. the comforting rays of the brilliant sun embraces us, we never talked, we just understood each other, just there feeling the presence and the closeness...dad you were smiling, you were happy for me.and then i left you for a while, but promised to come back, to you, i just needed to do something, all the while that i was away from you, you were the only one on my mind, (you were my inspiration...).when i was ready to return to you...

i woke up...until then daddy...

now i know what you feel about my decision... thank you so much!i love you!until we meet again...

see you in my dreams soon... :)

continue to pray for us. :)

i love you daddy!

missing you so much...

ning how are you... it's still painful to write about/to you... i guess i'll try again... someday....
i love you...

in between black and white is grey

i've realizd that the hardest part is when you don't get any support from your family...

i feel sad standing in the middle of a crossroad, not knowing which way to go... is it to the path where your family would be happy since it is their dream that you be this person, but you realize taht this person they want you to be isn't you. and from a far you see that their vision is not the same as yours. of course its not the same, how can it be the same if what you want isn't what they wish you'd be.

it's so depressing to know that your decision would disappoint them, since you can't fulfill thier dreams... all i can say is that i am sorry, for i can not be that person, i am not that person you want me to be.

this year has been a struggle, and for a while i tried to forget who i really am because i was trying to blend with them. i tried, but you know, i get tired of trying too. especially now taht i know what i want. i hope you can read this. i hope you know how sorry i am for turning my back on your dream.

it was my choice, yes it was, but sometimes people make the wrong decisions too, right? like what you said before, life is like a math problem, you under go alot of trials and errors, but in the end with the right motive and right drive you'd arive at the desired outcome right? then why don't you understand? why?

i want to move on further, i want to swim in my real world, i know, you always say that... walang madali sa buhay... i know that... but you can lighten up the burden by finding something that doenst feel like work right?

it is hard, it will be hard, it will be a new battle for me, it will be another struggle, but this time i will be fighting for what i really want, and there would be no room for excuses and mediocracy anymore... and all i ask is for you to understand... and for you to give your blessing, and support perhaps...

i love all of you, and it really hurts me that i am about to disappoint all of you, once again... i really am sorry, i don't know what to do anymore.. but just in case... i think i'd be willing to sacrifice my happiness in exchange for yours... i love you all... i hope it reaches you... and im sorry again... lets talk soon... please....

thoughts from a mentor...

march 15, 2006

my dear marianne, "ynna":

we may not have worked well with the law but i am so glad to find a sincere heart in you. your disposition is an inspiration for one who seeks greatness. admission of one's deficiency is often the first step to a fulfilled life.

if you have realized that the legal profession is not for you, then pursue what you honestly conceive is in your heart and mind. if still confused as to what it is, seek Divine guidance. and when you pray, learn to LISTEN, likewise. God will surely reveal it to a sincere heart which seeks Him. you will find it in the people and circumstances around you. learn to listen with your mind and your heart. nurturing spiritual strength is an essential in life. you will never go wrong with it, even if at times, you tend to go slow.

when you finally find your place in this life, then excuses will have to fade and replace these with all efforts to pursue excellence in that field. a great philosopher once said, "we are what we repeatedly do. excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." i pray that, in time, i will see you in such state of life. then, it will be your turn to be God's wonderful blessing to others, inspiring them with your ways and your life, as you glorify God in your endeavors. when we do this, then we reduce the number of people who pay lip service to the prayer that... "in all things, God may be glorified".... because we are, iindeed, a delightful sight before His eyes.

God be with you always. :)

--------
**i just opened it now,ynna.thank you very much..you are so gifted,not only with a talent in art but with a sincere and grateful heart..when you swim in the waters of life,do not forget to put on the wings of faith and courage..before you know it,you'll find yourself flying to reach your star.God bless you,my dear.
(21:13:50,3.18.2006) (21:14:09,3.18.2006)

**God be with you always..remember,as you strive to ask God for guidance,learn to listen..then ask for grace to obey..Goodnight,my dear. :)

----
this is from the greatest woman i ever knew during my short stay in san beda lawschool. we encounter so many trials, and at some point in our lives we need to choose a path, and the most difficult thing for me is to stand in the middle of the crossroad, just there, not doing anything because i am paralyzed by my fear of the uncertain.

its so hard to make a decision especially when you know that you're going to disappoint a lot of people, especially your family.

so in the middle of feeling sorry and guilty, i wrote her a letter, just pouring all the emotions i felt, and about the decision i am trying to make. and i was so grateful to recieve a letter from her and as a sign of gratitude i made her a painting. i hope you guys could learn something from this. :)

21 wishes

i took this picture last year (4/2/5)

in a couple of weeks it's going to be my birthday again and i want to have my 21 wishes

i wish:

21. i could gather enough strength to pursue my dream to study creative writting
20. not to be a financial burden anymore
19. i could stop disappointing people around me
18. to help all the people i love in any way that i can
17. to move on farther, so i can love him from far away
16. my love reaches ning and my dad, so i could hug them once again
15. i could be more grateful towards all the blessings to come
14. to write better
13. i could be more passionate
12. i could love God more
11. to love my self
10. i could find the right path where i could funtion well and serve Him more
9. to love my friends more
8. to love my family more
7. i could paint more surreal images from my psychedelic brain
6. i could bring my car here in manila
5. i could quit smoking and be a vegetarian again
4. i could be a good sister to my siblings
3. i could be a good daughter to my mom
2. i could see my dad again... in time dad in time... :)
1. i could be a better person (a perfect version of my self)

i hope the list doesn't have to end... there are a lot more things to wish for but i'd still stick to what my fate has to offer. :)

despite, despite

ate lori say cheese! :P
sabi mo bangs eh :)

despite, despite.... i was still able to laugh and smile because of you. i miss the two of you. amma i love you thank you for understanding... indeed i am your "panganay" and you are my "inay". :) ate lori... thank you your coolness. :) thank you for the strength and the rest.
"i love you more today than yesterday... but not as much as tomorrow... :) "

too late

as you walk pass the crowd
i feel you closer wearing the eyes of apology.
your presence lift me like
the waves of regret,
after breaking a fragile dream.
each broken piece
are like the dead leaves of autumn,
soft but scarring
piercing my face
and scarlet water flow from
every pore
flowring into a bouquet of yearning.

you walk down farther
until you reach my bones of broken shells
you try to put each piece together.
like a puzzle you assemble me
back to misery.

why try to fix me now?
after you let your wings
of apathy push me to whisper
into the thickness of void.
why now?
when i learned to swim
on land amidst the boken glasses
that flow in each current of memory.
why now when i am Still
trying to crawl away from you?

2:26 pm
inside ice's car... no oblicon

swimming on land

you are watercolor dancing on paper.
vivid waves of memory
sing songs which are thicker than tears.

salt dissolved by space,
imprisoned by time.

you are a fish, walking on land.
never ceases to run the dusty urban paths.
abandoned the waves, and have forgotten
your pearl underneath.

salt dissolved by space,
imprisoned by time.

i am the brush that strokes memories
of love on the sheet of space that has
filled the void of emptiness.
giving birth to the deafness.
i sway with the sound of tears falling.

imprisoned by the promise of freedom.
waiting is longer than forever.

i who never learned to dance on land,
but will always whisper the songs of yearning.
the forgotten pearl struck down
by the wrath of sorrow
washed up by the waves to
join the sea foams fade.

imprisoned by the promise of freedom.
waiting is longer than forever.

muses: mei & azaka
5/17/5

life doesnt suck after all...

i thought i did but i was wrong and now i hate...

i thought i did but i was wrong. i thought that it was different in my case, in the process of moving on--to skip the part where you hate and try to forget. thought i would never get affected about what is happening with his life, especially now that i am no longer in it. and now i hate the fact that i hate him and that i also hate the fact taht he feels sorry about what he did, about what happened to us.i hate the fact that he remembers me, how i was so sincere about things. i hate it! i hate the fact that i never did anything wrong in our relationship, and still i earned nothing from it. i hate the fact taht i saw him yesterday and i am writting things about him again. i hate it when he felt like he was rude when he saw me, and that if it seemed like he did he said he didn't mean to look rude. i hate the fact that i still have you bookmarked on my friendster account, and i hate the fact taht i c\still check on you once in a while. and i hate the fact that im still not through thinking about things i hate about you.i hate myself for feeling do shaky and cold inside out right now as i type this crap, i hate the fact that i feel like i am destroying my keyboard for jamming each letter so hard, out of anger maybe? i hate the fact taht i forgot how thankful i am about the lessons i've learned. i hate the fact that im wrong, when i thought i have moved on... but i didnt... not an inch... i hate the fact that he borrowed my lighter, i hate the fact that my bed sheets are still with him and my pajama too... that tight skimpy pair with purple flowers... for healing... i hate it. i hate hating right now. i hate the fact that when i read **** blog we miss the same exact things about him... i hate it because i have this urge to say i hate you and i regret ever knowing you. and i hate the fact that i don't remeber how it was when we were together. i hate the fact that when i saw him he seemed to be total stranger to me. i hate the fact that after seeing him i cant seem to get him off my head AGAIN. i hate the fact that you have a sexcret blog that i will never ever see and i would never ever be able to fish sensitive details about you, like how it was with us before.i hate the one year apart from him because i have realized taht he didn't deserve me. i hate the fact that all my efforts didnt pay off, and i hate it that i am still not done with ranting, and i hate the fact that its almost four in the afternoon and i havent taken a bath nor glanced at my book cause i slacked the whole day without any aparent reason then bam! i stoppped denying the fact... and yes i am affected about what happend last night. i hate the fact that i miss bea and gee if not for you we could have been good friends. i hate the fact that i had to go back to ateneo and remeber how it used to when i loved you... and you didnt. i hate the fact that a yeah hod gone by a lot of death and yearning... but still i get affected by your existence. i hate the fact that im typing words all jumbled in side my heads, not giving a damn about the spelling and the grammar. i hate the fact that i think you are... and i guess everbody was right from the begennning. i hate the fact that finally you have come to the point when you know you did something wrong and you remember each sweet moments we had together. i hate you i hate you i hate you!!!! and wosrt of all i hate my self again.

womb that is my room

my bed, clenched like a child
inside the womb that is my room
and i the fetus, crumble down
as painstaking pulse of life
pound my heart
til it breaks, how such beauty be so brittle


my fist stabbed into my heart
to stop the blooming of pain
as my forehead reach the top of my toe
wordless, they articulate
the misery of the abandoned


as the night carry an amber breeze
that surrounds the moon
creating a galaxy masacre
and i imagine the rape of luna
now bleeding with stars
that continuously scar the sky
jet black to acid red of pain


if the sky is in chaos
like an unending war for peace
unhealable wound of love
where else can i hide
but back to the womb that is my room
and keep my sorrows adrift like seafoams
at the edge of my bed
this little abode--is the safest
if not a home.

2:00pm

long due posts

better than
12/;16pm 10/11/5


sitting heavily inside a teacup
i taste the bitterness of yesterday
in each gulp of leaves dried up by memory
the rythm of the cup twirling between my palms
bring me back to you
how each cup of tea paints your imag inside me
and now in retrospect
i know i've loved you, and still
still as remembrance
but today i have decided
to move on with time
and sway with the generosity of change

unbearable lightness
of life, like the wind
that blows in you face when you wake up on holidays
crisp and fresh, innocent, unkowing
it lifts me up
to the dark ocean waves
and i feel my soul illuminating
together with trhe pearls i've cried--
surrounding me, brightly
and lightly carressing my back
giving comfort to the abandoned

inside my shell i slowly crawl
like an infant
seeing the world for the first time
with all its splendor
embracing the unknwon which is such a beauty
as i crawl on further i see
your face, the memories
of what has been --- is never to return

but i am grateful for the gifts you gave
hurting and dying wrapped wonderfully in your skin
which i have praised
yes i was once your pagan
despite blind great love
that will never win
against anxiety and restraint
i have learned taht loving
from far away
is better than hoping (waiting)

in memory of

in memory of

as we try to savor
each day
knowing it will end soon
like all days must
like all roads must
like all cycles will
we create memories
which can be clasped in our hands
like a bird in your palm
ready to sing the songs of yesterday
in memory of
days long gone.

Cycle

CYCLE

by: Langston Hughes

So many little flowers

Drop thier tiny heads

But newer buds

come to bloom

In thier place instead.

I miss the little flowers

That have gone away.

But the newly budding blossoms

Are equally gay.

punta fuego!

just cant wait till summer... so we went to find comfort as soon as we had the opportunity... i had no expectations whatsoever wheni heard the words punta fuego... i thought it was an ordinary resort but it turned out that it was an exclusive subdivision for rich people. oh well yeah... poor philippines rich filipinos... :) amazing huh?! oh well a poor girl from the province like me is so naive about this rich places rich people own... but geez... during the drive around the place i was really hoping to marry a prince and live in one of the castles there! it was really a haven for people who love nature and specially the beach.. plus the infinity pool was great too! so there i really had fun with nico and ate di! yeah so much for spontaneity ;P. well thank you for the wonderful time you two, especially you ate di thank you for the punta fuego trip, the time and the stories.. i love you so much... hmm.. i might not likw him... but i guess i can't do anything... you're happy... for now... and you know it:)