blue

in retrospect it was pure bliss... now it is blue...

failure

how does it feel when you finally get the courage to do what your heart desires, and then you fail since you lack the talent?

lesson:passion is not enough

mommy

in your arms i have found my refuge.
i love you so much mommy!

i will miss you

dear angel

i will miss you so...
there are no words...
only tears for now...
feel my love no matter what...

love
the mermaid under the dark ocean waves

dear sister... and so we're back to the blank pages of our screen... into the first world we shared... what an unending cycle of becoming! i love you so much!

long day

• saw caisa (premonition #1)
  
• took my exam (hope i'd pass)
• waited for ricci, by myself
• lunch
• lost ring-f.wilson (premonition #2)
  
• ate lorie hallucinating she saw pom (premonition #3)
  
• went to g4 to watch aquamarine (then saw pom) yeah what a surprise! texted everyone, stood up to talk to antz, bumped the two girls seated beside me, and the guy infront, shaking like crazy, hyperventilation, cold front seat plus the spot light, his friends curious glances, almost graceful exit)
  
• waited for antz, by myself
  
• waited for antz, by myself
• drank hot and cold smoothie (yum!)
  
• met her friends
• had a very cold conversation
• release, release, release
• antz place
• ate lorie over the fone
  
• tired na :) (deep sigh)

i'll write about this very interesting day... next time

i bought her flowers

It was 3 in the afternoon, e fell asleep while reading my law books, and suddenly I was awakened by a phone call. From the other end of the line I heard a broken voice, threatening to pour out into a storm of sobs, I could not believe what I heard and so I started asking questions, and I heard my voice grow louder and louder (in my desperation, maybe I was shouting at Him, hoping He can give me some answers). After I put down the phone, my hands were shaking like crazy, and I needed air so I opened my back door to grasp some air, I needed that, from the fear of getting suffocated. I dialed a number, and then it was my turn to pour out my sobs, eternal sobs. The voice on the other end of the line told me to breathe, but I can’t seem to follow her instruction, how can I, how can you breathe after receiving such news?

I went out of the house, straight to the flower shop, I wanted to surprise her, so I bought her I bouquet, I can’t wait to see her smile when she sees them, she always wanted flowers, I gave her one along time ago, and it made her happy.

As soon as I got home, our friends started calling me, they kept on asking the same questions I did a while ago. So I kept on answering them, not quite sure if I had the answers, but in my desperation to understand what was happening, I tried to answer them, in the hope of answering my questions as well.

After my friends have gathered on my bed, I cooked dinner for them, they bought beer, it was a feast, and it was a celebration perhaps, of what, I don’t know either. We were all caught up in frenzy so immense we could barely feel anything. We just stayed together, for strength perhaps, we talked, we smiled, we laughed until we cried, I cried until I can no longer contain it that they had to embrace me to let me feel the love I was losing.

After a doze of beer and pretentious strength we went inside the car, the lights seemed dimmer, the night seemed colder, and our hearts seemed to beat faster, but our bodies felt weaker.

As we reached our destination, we climbed the stairs, it was eerie and cold, it was as if the cold breeze sucked out the life out of us. And as soon as we reached the door, wry coldness welcomed us.

I embraced her mom, then her dad, as a sign of respect. I had to be strong for them, so I had let go.

And then I saw her, with her funny green dress (I am sure she didn’t like). She was wearing a pink fuchsia lipstick, (I think it looked great on her). Then I gave her the flowers, I am pretty sure it made her smile.

Then suddenly it was a blur, everything around me seemed so blasé.

I felt cold, inside. Then I hugged her, but I can no longer feel her warm cozy body. She was so near that I could smell her breath but the cold glass between us no longer allowed us to intertwine.

">

wandering Alone... and happy

UP

i went to UP a week ago to fix something. i was tempted to eat kwek kwek and chicken balls so i caved in, 2 guys were there eating as well. funny cause the other guy was making fun with how much his friend already ate. then i looked at what i was eating (hey! why make a big deal if me and your friend had more than 2 sets of kwek kwek and chicken balls!) after eating i bought yosi for me to puff while walking alone. then i decided to eat isaw, at first the idea of eating isaw alone didnt bother me, but as soon as i got there i wanted to back out cause everybody brought a peer group, but no! the isaw was way tempting than the stigma of being alone! hahaha. so i stood there in front of the trashbag (i had no place to go, i was alone remeber) so i just settled there in that tiny space, happily eating my isaw.

cafe by the ruins (565)

my brother asked me to go to Baguio with them and so i did. i was so excited by the idea of having a cup of tea and camote bread inside that cafe, while reading a book. so the following day, after enjoying a very very cold bath i went out, hailed a cab and went straight to chuntug. i ordered ruins herbal tea (i love the bittersweet lemony taste, you should try it). and so the waiter hurridly served ONE teapot, and TWO teacups. (im still wondering why he gave me 2!) but i didnt say anything, i politely told him to take away the other teacup cause i was alone.

hmmm... being alone, when i come to the realization that i am alone mixed emotions automatically come rushing, it is fun but sometimes, when i get tired with my "independent woman" facade i can't help but feel sad, then i would start wishing to be with somone, but after letting my thoughts wander, i again realize that it is indeed by fate and by choice to be alone. (i dont need to explain further, i just know.) :)

goodbye

i'll turn my back on the past... to embrace the future... it is my choice... goodbye.

home

puerto galera
hundred islandsbolinao

happy feet

these feet i shared my steps with to reach Homewaves
star
antz
amma nyx

yesterday

">yesterday was hmmm... quite ok...

after our sem2 exam, father pio asked me if i wanted to confess... so i said father im still not prepared can we just do this on monday, but he insisted and he said... "para lang tayong magkkwentuhan"
actually it was my first time to confess to a really close-priest-friend. so i was at first hesitant to confess, cause that would mean that i'd tell him everything... and i mean EVERYTHING. it was a very casual conversation, it didnt feel like i was confessing my sins, it just felt like i was talking lightly with my "lolo" (i love you father pio). it was really nice, i was able to pour out all the things i hid, and it was very enlightening, cause father was trying to explain, he was trying to make me understand things i didn't quite understand... enough self pity, it doesnt help... thank you father so much father. i will vist you soon.

before i went to tina's grad dinner, i had i fight with my friends... :( sigh i dont wanna talk about it.

but after all the drama, nyx,sar n joe went over my place, we drank rum coke(the cheapest way to get drunk) had our talks before sleep... philo shit, which made saree sleep, and ----------- stories hehehe... we will never get over her! :)

i miss my girls

sometimes it hurts to see your smile on a paper,
stillness captured and trapped into an apathetic space
where your memory lingers but vividness fades...

somtimes it hurts to see your smile,
not only does it melt my heart
but breaks it to so many pieces
untile numbness succumbs the space it left...

sometimes it hurts to think of you...

missing you every single day
your warm embrace
i miss cuddling you.
i miss you so much.
much love from the mermaid under the dark ocean waves

you don't bring me flowers

You don't bring me flowers
You don't sing me love songs
You hardly talk to me anymore
When you come through the door
At the end of the day

I remember when
You couldn't wait to love me
Used to hate to leave me

Now after lovin' me late at night
When it's good for you
And you're feeling alright
Well, you just roll over
And you turn out the light

You don't bring me flowers anymore

It used to be so natural
To talk about forever
But 'used to be's' don't count anymore
They just lay on the floor
'Til we sweep them away

And baby, I remember
All the things you taught me
I learned how to laugh
And I learned how to cry
Well I learned how to love
Even learned how to lie

You'd think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
'Cause you don't bring me flowers
Anymore

Well, you'd think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
'Cause you don't bring me flowers
Anymore

barbara streisand and neil diamond

But 'used to be's' don't count anymore
They just lay on the floor
'Til we sweep them away

--sad to realize that some things have to end.
sometimes you desperately need to remember evrything, so that even in make believe you can still feel what you have had, and what was there yesterday.
sad to think that when you remember, the memories you had just feels like a dream... and you try to ask... was there ever a time all of this were true... :,(

until we meet again...

As I type, a gaping hole steers my chest in a sway that makes me so numb it hurts. You don't say goodbye to friends. You tell them you'll see them soon, or that they should take care of themselves, or that they sleep tight or have sweet dreams. You don't say goodbye to friends.

-from my friend Carlos Dominguez

hmmm... as i think of words to type down, just to describe what i am feeling right now, it sinks deeper,. it becomes a concrete truth... the truth about saying goodbye and letting go.

i have realized that a year in lawschool wasn't a waste after all. i have grown more, and i've learned to appreciate love more. i always say that i am excited to fall in love and break my heart, cause i believe that i write better when i have such an emotion. i thought that only a relationship with someone, a man to be exact is the only relationship that could break my heart. but i was wrong, i was wrong.... i've realized that you can also fall in love with friends. i fell in love with you guys. and it hurts to think that i can count through my figners the days left... we are about to begin a new chapter in our lives, and i am sad because i know that we have to go our own separate ways, we have different dreams to fulfill. all i know is that i will miss seeing you in class, chatting while reading those gigantic books, drinking coffee while attempting to have a mastery of the law. hmmm... and it gets heavier still.

i want you to know that you have become a very big part of my life,. thank you for being my source of strength when i feel like giving up, for boosting my ego whenever lawshcool steps on my head. the tears, the laughters will always be remembered. the beer and the pinapple juice will always bring back the memories we've shared. i will miss seeing you struggling to stay up late just to finish whatever it is we need to accomplish. i will miss being friends with you intelligent girls. thank you for welcoming me into your group.

ren: my drinking buddy. i will miss reminding you to suck your stomach in! and i admire your way of handling things, i hope you could pass that on to me :) i will miss hearing your crazy (sometimes vulgar) questions, in time you yourself would be able to answer them, just with the right person ok? thank you for your straight forward opinions, sometimes your bitch slapping comments really help. those foodtrips at my place. i will miss you ren. thank you for the love and care you've shown and given me. i will miss you stoic girl.

abby: the meanest girl (hehehe) thank you so much for unfolding the real you. i hope you'd consider me as a friend. cause that would really mean alot to me. i hope you know what i mean. thank you for always reminding us that we have to be responsible and of course kind, at times when we sulk into drifting apart from the real world. i will miss your "inhaling" giggles, i will miss your new pants and your expensive (U2) jacket. you are a living proof that not all women are the same. (hahaha for crying out loud) i just wish you'd be able to find the right man, the ultimate love perhaps. don't forget to invite me to your wedding and your first baby's baptism... ok? im really excited to see you with a husband and a big belly (not like ren's of course) but a belly with a baby. learning is fun.... that's one thing i've learned from you... and we should continue to make it as our mantra to achieve excellence.. right?

ice: i will miss our episodes! i will miss being strong for you, and telling you things, i myself sometimes fail to follow. those spur of the moment trips we make, making new memories from the "ex-infested" areas. those food trips, the up trips. i will miss our shopping sprees together. thank you so much for all the laughter and tears in time we will discover real truth and beauty. just be strong, you are on the right track, i wish in time you'd be able to solve all your issues in life.... find yourself a prince, you deserve someone better. im sure of that. i love you so much. the free rides, sigh the list goes on i guess what im trying to say is that im gonna miss being a part of your daily life. i will miss pushing you to go to class, or making you cry because of my ghost stories. ice sobrang thank you sa lahat lahat... mahal na mahal kita... :)

girls, take care ok... God Bless you always...

friends don't say goodbye... they say.... until we meet again.... (bittersweet)

dreaming of dad

it was a calm sunny day... i was driving my car, and i gave you a ride, we went to the beach, my Home...with its calm waves. the comforting rays of the brilliant sun embraces us, we never talked, we just understood each other, just there feeling the presence and the closeness...dad you were smiling, you were happy for me.and then i left you for a while, but promised to come back, to you, i just needed to do something, all the while that i was away from you, you were the only one on my mind, (you were my inspiration...).when i was ready to return to you...

i woke up...until then daddy...

now i know what you feel about my decision... thank you so much!i love you!until we meet again...

see you in my dreams soon... :)

continue to pray for us. :)

i love you daddy!

missing you so much...

ning how are you... it's still painful to write about/to you... i guess i'll try again... someday....
i love you...

in between black and white is grey

i've realizd that the hardest part is when you don't get any support from your family...

i feel sad standing in the middle of a crossroad, not knowing which way to go... is it to the path where your family would be happy since it is their dream that you be this person, but you realize taht this person they want you to be isn't you. and from a far you see that their vision is not the same as yours. of course its not the same, how can it be the same if what you want isn't what they wish you'd be.

it's so depressing to know that your decision would disappoint them, since you can't fulfill thier dreams... all i can say is that i am sorry, for i can not be that person, i am not that person you want me to be.

this year has been a struggle, and for a while i tried to forget who i really am because i was trying to blend with them. i tried, but you know, i get tired of trying too. especially now taht i know what i want. i hope you can read this. i hope you know how sorry i am for turning my back on your dream.

it was my choice, yes it was, but sometimes people make the wrong decisions too, right? like what you said before, life is like a math problem, you under go alot of trials and errors, but in the end with the right motive and right drive you'd arive at the desired outcome right? then why don't you understand? why?

i want to move on further, i want to swim in my real world, i know, you always say that... walang madali sa buhay... i know that... but you can lighten up the burden by finding something that doenst feel like work right?

it is hard, it will be hard, it will be a new battle for me, it will be another struggle, but this time i will be fighting for what i really want, and there would be no room for excuses and mediocracy anymore... and all i ask is for you to understand... and for you to give your blessing, and support perhaps...

i love all of you, and it really hurts me that i am about to disappoint all of you, once again... i really am sorry, i don't know what to do anymore.. but just in case... i think i'd be willing to sacrifice my happiness in exchange for yours... i love you all... i hope it reaches you... and im sorry again... lets talk soon... please....

thoughts from a mentor...

march 15, 2006

my dear marianne, "ynna":

we may not have worked well with the law but i am so glad to find a sincere heart in you. your disposition is an inspiration for one who seeks greatness. admission of one's deficiency is often the first step to a fulfilled life.

if you have realized that the legal profession is not for you, then pursue what you honestly conceive is in your heart and mind. if still confused as to what it is, seek Divine guidance. and when you pray, learn to LISTEN, likewise. God will surely reveal it to a sincere heart which seeks Him. you will find it in the people and circumstances around you. learn to listen with your mind and your heart. nurturing spiritual strength is an essential in life. you will never go wrong with it, even if at times, you tend to go slow.

when you finally find your place in this life, then excuses will have to fade and replace these with all efforts to pursue excellence in that field. a great philosopher once said, "we are what we repeatedly do. excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." i pray that, in time, i will see you in such state of life. then, it will be your turn to be God's wonderful blessing to others, inspiring them with your ways and your life, as you glorify God in your endeavors. when we do this, then we reduce the number of people who pay lip service to the prayer that... "in all things, God may be glorified".... because we are, iindeed, a delightful sight before His eyes.

God be with you always. :)

--------
**i just opened it now,ynna.thank you very much..you are so gifted,not only with a talent in art but with a sincere and grateful heart..when you swim in the waters of life,do not forget to put on the wings of faith and courage..before you know it,you'll find yourself flying to reach your star.God bless you,my dear.
(21:13:50,3.18.2006) (21:14:09,3.18.2006)

**God be with you always..remember,as you strive to ask God for guidance,learn to listen..then ask for grace to obey..Goodnight,my dear. :)

----
this is from the greatest woman i ever knew during my short stay in san beda lawschool. we encounter so many trials, and at some point in our lives we need to choose a path, and the most difficult thing for me is to stand in the middle of the crossroad, just there, not doing anything because i am paralyzed by my fear of the uncertain.

its so hard to make a decision especially when you know that you're going to disappoint a lot of people, especially your family.

so in the middle of feeling sorry and guilty, i wrote her a letter, just pouring all the emotions i felt, and about the decision i am trying to make. and i was so grateful to recieve a letter from her and as a sign of gratitude i made her a painting. i hope you guys could learn something from this. :)

21 wishes

i took this picture last year (4/2/5)

in a couple of weeks it's going to be my birthday again and i want to have my 21 wishes

i wish:

21. i could gather enough strength to pursue my dream to study creative writting
20. not to be a financial burden anymore
19. i could stop disappointing people around me
18. to help all the people i love in any way that i can
17. to move on farther, so i can love him from far away
16. my love reaches ning and my dad, so i could hug them once again
15. i could be more grateful towards all the blessings to come
14. to write better
13. i could be more passionate
12. i could love God more
11. to love my self
10. i could find the right path where i could funtion well and serve Him more
9. to love my friends more
8. to love my family more
7. i could paint more surreal images from my psychedelic brain
6. i could bring my car here in manila
5. i could quit smoking and be a vegetarian again
4. i could be a good sister to my siblings
3. i could be a good daughter to my mom
2. i could see my dad again... in time dad in time... :)
1. i could be a better person (a perfect version of my self)

i hope the list doesn't have to end... there are a lot more things to wish for but i'd still stick to what my fate has to offer. :)

despite, despite

ate lori say cheese! :P
sabi mo bangs eh :)

despite, despite.... i was still able to laugh and smile because of you. i miss the two of you. amma i love you thank you for understanding... indeed i am your "panganay" and you are my "inay". :) ate lori... thank you your coolness. :) thank you for the strength and the rest.
"i love you more today than yesterday... but not as much as tomorrow... :) "