The Unbearable Lightness of Being By: Milan Kundera PART ONE: Lightness and Weight

• everything recurs as we once experienced it, and that the recurrence itself recurs ad infinitum!
• nonexistence of return, for in this world everything is pardoned in advance and therefore everything cynically permitted.
  
• in the world of eternal return the weight of unbearable responsibility lies heavy on every move we make.
  
• the heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.
  
• we can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.
  
• if we have only one life to live, we might as well not have lived at all.
  
• metaphors are dangerous. metaphors are not to be lifted with. a single metaphor can give birth to love.
  
• in his arms she would fall asleep no matter how wrought up she might have been.
  
• making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman).
  
• "compassion" generally inspires suspicion; it designates what is considered an inferior, second-rate sentiment that has little to do with love. to love someone out of compassion means not really to love.
  
• to have compassion (co-feeling) means not only to be able to live with the other's misfortune but also to feel with him any emotion -- joy, anxiety, happiness, pain.
  
• maximal capacity of affective imagination, the art of emotional telepathy. in the hierarchy of sentiments, then, it is supreme.
  
• a person who longs to leave the place where he lives is an unhappy person.
  those years were more attractive in retrospect than they were when he was living them.
  
• for there is nothing heavier than compassion. not even one's own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, for someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes.
  
• necessity, weight, and value are three concepts inextricably bound: only necessity is heavy, and only what is heavy has value.
  
• we believe that the greatness of man stems from the fact that he bears his fate as Atlas bore the heavens on his shoulders. beethoven's hero is a lifter of metaphysical weights.
  
• we all reject out of hand the idea that the love of our life may be something light or weightless; we presume our love is what must be, that without it our life would no longer be the same;
  

finally a poem for me...

Mi Amor

I know a girl
Who held the stars in her hand
Grasping eternity
and holding on to her salvation.
She stumbled and fell flat on her face
She stumbled once and hit rock bottom.


I know a girl
Who lived under the shallow waters
of her profound insanity
She kept every memory to herself
and to the angel she whispered.
She stumbled twice
and wept with tears, never ending.


I know a girl
Who grew her hair along with her patience
She danced with strangers,
and I envied her everytime she left.
She stumbled once more,
thrice and still counting
never getting up and never forgetting.


So much for the girl I once knew.

just a thought

I am again savoring solitude in my little abode that I have decorated with shells of all sorts to make me feel at home. An ambiance of the sea I have brought back from where I have traveled once, where I was comforted by a shower of stars, a roof decorated with diamonds as clear as the past and as bright as the future, a place where I was able to rest and reflect about certain things.

Today I seek to be free, not of the memories of him who should not be named but be free from yearning to be near him, once again. I have realized that through my loss I have learned so much, and counting, and I can’t help but be grateful to him despite the fact that he had hurt me a lot.

Today I want to breed hate for him, I want to blame him for everything he had destroyed in my life, but then again I can not help but thank him still for if not for him I wouldn’t have realized certain things that I disregarded for the past few years of my existence. Because of him I was able to find my way back to my true Home, my family and friends who are always there, ready to shelter me, comfort me and love me. And yes I am a bit bitter about certain things but I am hoping that that bitterness would soon cease to exist.

Today I have realized how much I have loved him, I gave everything to him just to make him happy, but it wasn’t enough for him, he wanted more, so I set him free. It hurt a lot, even now I can still feel the piercing effect of that heartache, but no, I know I should move on, enter a new phase in my life, live life the way God planned it.

Sometimes I can’t help but think, and see things in retrospect and wonder if he really loved me, cause if he really did, why was he over me in just a snap. That is the big question I want to ask him, if he ever really loved me. But I guess some questions would be left unanswered, until the time is right I should have my answers, but for now all I should do is try to do well in everything that is given to me. My family is expecting so much for me and I should not disappoint them, they have given me so much and it is about time that I should repay old debts. And I am very much confident that everything is going to be fine as long as I put my trust in God.

Until the time is right I shall fine the answers to my questions but for now I shall let you be, enjoy your life and I shall enjoy mine. In time we will see each other again, we will be two different persons by then, and I am hoping that by that time I could master the courage to tell you that I have loved you so much, and thank you for being a part of my life, and tell you how happy I am with my life without you.

Now I am looking forward to a life without you, a life with no traces of the heartache you have given me, but if it is to much to ask to erase you even for a while in my life I will reduce it into wishing that I may live my life free from bitterness and hate for you.

my random nothings

and i need to write again...

its summer and i am obessessed with shells, of course with clothes (ukay finds) and tea. but you know i was just wondering why do i always have an obssession with something, i dont know why, maybe its what keeps me sane, its what makes me hold on to this world, cheap thrills and simple joys, but i have realized they are not that small, every piece i keep are little pebbles of memory i so wanna hold on to...

moving on ... in the real sense of the word, when's this gonna happen, i think i am ready now... i think i am finally allowing my self to do so... oh dear God, Divine Mercy i trust in you, let your will be done, and i shallobey, if letting him be will make me happy, please grant me the courage and grace to do so...

oh... such random thoughts running through my brain...

and i am wondering... when will i ever stop thinking... ever thought of that?

i shall write and paint again... :)

release, release, release...

today is a new day for me... i want to hate pom for not caring and not giving a damn about all the memories we've shared, i was hoping he atleast grieved for our broken relationship, but it seemed like he didn't... so what the hell for now i shall start hating him, i should know better by now, so i am hoping that in time i woulld be able to forget and forgive him... but not right now... it will take time... in my own time...

anyway i have been through a lot of stress lately and to all those who know my current problem thanking you for bearing with me, thank you for being my support group, you have been my sourece of stregnth... thank you antz for the wonderful trip to puerto galera, sleeping on the shore because the entire island was fully booked, thank you so much for making me happy, for letting me rest, you know i needed that, thank you so much.

to my amma and mommy, thank you so much for understanding my shortcomings, i know in some way or another i have disappointed you, and i am sorry, thank you for making me smile even if it was the hardest thing to do, thank you for the wonderful shell, now i have a mermaid sanctuary on the 5th floor.

oh before i forget... these are all random thoughts... unorganized but who cares these are all the memories i want to write down. when we were at puerto and antz was sleeping cause she felt dizy after drinking a bottle of beer i decided to lie down on the beach, feel the cool breeze of the night and the wonderful stars... oh that black velvet roof with diamond studs all over, what a wonderful sight, i felt happy and relaxed... and i saw 8 FALLING STARS! and i know i could not ask for more.

the divine mercy was what kept me sane and alive. thank you! i do trust in You.

i know i am not making sense anymore, but you know i really don't care anymore, and i still want to continue hating pom, i think somehow he desreves it... you know pom, i'll see you after 10-12 years, i hope by that time i'd be fully happy with myself, and i wont be to dependent on you as my source of happiness... finally over you... and HOME shall be mine and mine alone...

memories revisited
mirrored in my little teacup
i started to drink tea again, you know?
wishing to wash you away
to flash you
down the toilet bowl of my memory lane
together with all the unnecessary crap
i have kept as baggages

now i have to release
now i have to release
release
release
release

you will go down the smelly dark road
of longing and loneliness

feeling all fucked up
the way you felt when i asked you
if you still loved me

that same old feeling you felt
you big piece of crap!
its ok you big waste of time!
SHIT HAPPENS, remember!

breaking the broken

The heart beating like a thousand raindrops
On top of the suburban roof
Restless struggle
Like a running sea current
Never ceasing yet tired and sorrowful
An agony unbearable
With its weight suffocating you
Consuming you
Like the first heartache you had
It drains you
Catches up and never leaves you
Like cancer maybe
Slowly killing you
Shame:
Disappointment is one thing I could not handle
Breaking broken hearts

I'M TWENTEEN! happy birthday to me!

In a couple of hours I would be shedding out my old fins in exchange for new ones, hoping it would bring me to farther places, stronger so it can help me push my self above and see the sun shine eternally on me.

Right in a couple of hours I would finally leave the wee years of being a teenager, I can say that I am no longer afraid of growing old, I am a bit excited for I know that this will be another start of the year for me, where I can make renovations and innovations, change and maintain, or even improve on certain attitudes and goals.

19, this year has been a bang for me; I can say that this would be one of the most unforgettable year of my life. So many things have happened, which made me weak and strong at the same time, a process and a stage of growing, I have done a lot of mistakes this year, hurt and loved so many people too. And I am glad to say that despite the wrong decisions I have done I am happy that I was able to face all the consequences and I believe I am a stronger lady now. I am happy that somehow despite all the longing and yearning, the hurting and the breaking, the agony of prolonging all would be well in the end. That everything’s gonna be fine in the end, for is it not that sometimes all we need is to hear this phrase to draw strength from, and so I am telling you, people of the world, everything’s gonna be fine… just trust and believe that the will of the Lord is the one guiding you.

God made a special plan for all of us, I know this is such a cliché but you know as I see it in retrospect it is indeed all incorporated with the will of God. We are all connected in this circle that will never end, in which God made it possible that through this life we will be able to learn our lessons in life be it the hard or the easy way. And I have realized how important God is into our lives, when you no longer know where to hide from the cruelties of the world do not be afraid, seek protection from His glory and he will grant you the peace that you need. I have realized that prayer is such a wonderful gift, it can calm your soul and it brigs you closer to God, it humbles you down and it comforts you. The silence that you experience during prayer is the best conversation you can ever have, a conversation with God. And so I wanna thank the Lord for being with me through all the hardships and challenges I had gone through this year.

I wanna say thank you to the following people:

First of all I wanna thank my Dad for everything he has done for us, thank you pa for the talent and the gift of art, it is what kept me sane for the entire year, thank you for leaving a piece of your soul inside my heart. Thank you for being a good provider and thank you for the inspiration and the strength I have drawn from you, for all the prayers and especially for the love, you will forever be in my heart. I will constantly feel your presence around me because of the gentle breeze I have asked you to grant me. I love you so much.

To my family first to my mother for being strong despite you losing your partner in life, you are a strong and wonderful woman I hope to imitate you, be as graceful and dignified as you are. I love you so much; sorry for all the disappointments I have given you. To Ate Lorie I hope to see you soon, thank you for being the coolest sister ever! To Kuya Apollo, for the tears we have shared, it has made us both stronger you know. To Kuya Allan, for EVERYTHING. To Ate Alma for the strength and the shoulder to cry on, also for everything, you have been my second mother.

To my friends, to the Philo People specially Father, Cindy, Nico, Berna and Ning for the constant support in everything I have done in our college life, thank you and Kudos to all of us! Of course to Changing, to all the crazy nights with you guys! Never a dull moment! I love you! To the bluerep people I have learned to love and support, hope top see you guys soon, cause I really really miss you all. To all the UST people I have exchanged his and hellos, small talk or big talk, to Ricci, to Sir Ralph, thank you for the love and the life, I had so much fun, to Sir Reyes thank you for the love and the honor to be called your daughter, you have been my second dad, I love you. To the angel in silence, do I need to say more?! I love you so much, thank you for the silence, the small space we share here on earth, thank you for being brave enough to reveal yourself to me, I do not regret ever knowing you! I hope you know that. Thank you to all of you… to those I have failed to mention, you can scold me anytime, I love you!

Lastly I wanna thank Pom for bringing joy into my life, I hope I have assured you enough of how much I love and care for you. Thank you for all the firsts and the lasts. Thank you for loving me. Home shall be ours soon.

reality and fantasy

between reality and fantasy lies the mystery that would either take you down the road of unending bliss or under the world of sorrow. the gray line in between is the only source of hope.

patungo sa mga perlas

lumusong ka sa karagatan ng buhay, lumangoy kasabay ng alon, sumisid... pailalim ng pailalim hanggang sa marating ang mga perlas sa pusod ng dagat...

kulay ng buhay

i wanna paint again, and picture the world with vibrant colors. to immortalize and capture its grandest gifts. soon i will be able to paint down my happiness again... soon!

you

crap... i tried to write down my random thoughts then bam! the stupid computer erased it. anyway i'll give it another try...

i am in the brink of giving up hope. i thought i have grown into a butterfly but i was wrong i am still this ugly worm crawling in the dark. yes i kept on telling myself and the world that i know now how to find love in any from, but i guess i was wrong, for if i did why do i still feel this much hurt, torture and more tears flowing. i don't know... maybe i still don't know the real me... i thought i know myself but i guess i was blinded by so many things. growing up is a very long and painful process, unending even. all of us will continue to grow and feel pain through this journey, what a sad world isn't it. they say that the pain you are encountering while growing will help you become strong in the end, what a lie! look at me! i am still that smalle fragile child who sleeps at night wet with tears, salt surrounding her bed as she clutches and flods herself like an abandoned fetus at night.

i thought i did but i was wrong. i thought i was the goddess and the queen, the center of my universe, but no, i am not. i am but a simple human being trying to find a tiny space for me to be able to rest on, a slave serving her master and forgetting herself. i am still a slave of love and of him.

you who i thought taught me how to love and to be patient, i am in the brink of giving up on you. a little more push and i will break, i will finally set you and my self free. you who i thought taught me that waiting is a gift, but now i realize that its not, waiting is not a gift but a curse. waiting is the one torturing me everynight, who puts me into bed with tears in my eyes and leaving me still with a heavy heart. you who i thought taught me that waiting is living, you are wrong wiating is dying, dying every single moment. you who i want to hate but i just cant.

you my love, you will forver be in my heart but i am hoping in time i can finally move on and start living again, free from your shadow. free from the curse of waiting free from you.

anniversary

i wrote him a letter...

hello! happy anniversary. i love you.

you know what i have so many stories to tell you. amzing ones that up until now never ceases to make me wonder how the world can bring you so many surprises.

you know what after several days of loving you in silence i have learned that through that sacrifice i have learned so much, about you and how much you have loved me, about my self on how mush i have loved you and have grown so much because of you. and about the world, that love can be in any form.

i miss talking to you. i miss the way you make me laugh and you make me smile. i miss everything about you. and most especially i miss us.

i wonder how you are right now. i hope you are doing fine. i love you! until we meet again...

to the loud-mouthed angel in silence

no recent posts from me lately, you know why? because after months of hurting and dying i am laughing and living again. the angel who loved me in silence was able to show me how good it is to love again, and i want to thank her for that.

i want to thank her for making me strong again, for making me laugh and live again and for making me the source of her strength and authenticity.

life has been so good to me, during my darkest days God gave me an angel to shed some light into my world. now i am able to appreciate little and big miracles that i encounter everyday. i have learned to be positive, and i have learned that loving in silence is something good after all. i have grown so much angel. thank you for helping me.

i will always think of you when i look at the stars and when i see butterflies around. i will always be here to listen and to love you.

no matter what they say they cannot separate us, for we are twin souls, we are soulsisters. FOREVER.

patchy

After reading sheets of happy thoughts I ended up being envious. Then questions just came rushing through. Why are they happy? Why am I alone? Is it really over since the day we broke up… but then why did you say there’s still SUMDAY?

I just came in passing my friends house when I saw you, didn’t expect that you’d be the biggest part of my life. You were the one who brought color and life into my once dark being.

You have washed away the bitterness I was nurturing inside and out of my heart. I have learned to care for someone other than myself, for the first time I wasn’t the center of the universe, for the first time it was somebody else, and that somebody else was you. You taught me so many things; you aren’t aware, but yeah you did. So much that even if I want to hate you I can’t, I am grateful still.

But it ended so soon. Like all love will. I feel like I still have so many things to share to you, so many love to give you. But now it’s all over, like what you said.

Random thoughts… but I cannot write anymore, I cannot end what I have started, it is too painful to think about him again. Remembering that I no longer have him kills me over and over. The realization of the end is suffocating me. And now I will just end it with no closure just (...)

massacre

Repressing is a subtle cry for suicide.

Collecting emotions and confining it down in that little corner in your heart, hiding what should be said out loud will slowly poison you. Silently your body weakens, your emotions gaining strength that would later on lead you to the dark side of life; Death.

Expressing is a blatant cry for suicide.

Sharing grief and yearning you are killing yourself again and again after unfolding the broken pieces of your heart, the same people you love, the sadness of each piece leaves a mark to those people who love you and is hurting more because you are hurt.

Both a terrible massacre, isn’t it?

tonight i shall breathe

Tonight after breathing in silence I shall speak again. I shall express everything again or else I will die. I will not repress the sadness, the hurt and the love I am feeling. There is so much to show to the world, so much life to share, so much love, and so many people to inspire, and so many people I shall care about. Today I shall breathe again.

Tonight I will no longer wish to be heard, I need not care if it doesn’t reach him, all I want to do now is to touch other people’s lives through the gifts I have, to somehow make a difference through my words.

Tonight I will write again to immortalize the days and the moments I have lived life. I have loved life.

I am again drowning in sorrow, feeling trapped into a jar slowly the sands of time as gray as the sky fill up the empty void suffocating me. I feel my heart being held in a palm, slowly the grip grows tighter and tighter until the blood gushes out through my eyes. I toss and turn to breathe but the grasp is strong, like a greedy animal enveloping me. Eating me up, and I struggle to survive. But all the efforts to live drained me until I stopped. Frozen. I stare at nothingness, the feeling of abandonment suddenly touches my soul as cold as the frozen river in his heart; I die over and over again.

Reverberating moments of bliss and sorrow gush through my shore, leaving salty memoirs. Death revisiting. History becomes today, yesterday becomes tomorrow. Tomorrow disappears. Stranded, everything stops the pain vivifies, marring your weak body, bones become ashes and fire becomes water, and you drift, smitten by the torture of your own heart beat broken down to pieces. Like a broken mirror your pain duplicated.

Revisited long forgotten feelings mirrored in my eyes. Two balls of gloss shedding pebbles of despair creating an altar of rock. Cold and stiff, I have become numb and stiff once again.

Tonight I shall speak of my undying love and devotion to the man who taught me to live and have showed me that we ca Find Love in Any Form. But today I am trying to move on further, to love a level higher, to learn what unconditional love really is. Loving from far away, hoping, waiting yet holding peace to grant your one true love the space to find his authenticity. Love, be it unrequited but not saying a word, only, loving still. Not hurting from waiting, just living in loving while waiting.

Tonight I shall try to control myself from suffocating my one true love, loving unselfishly. Just hoping for the best, hoping that the space I have given him will provide him the pathway back Home to Me.

3:57 am
1/4/5

epitome of patience

Today I am suffering from nostalgia; I have this powerful desire to reconquer everything that I have possessed long before space and time took it away from me. My mind has traveled long distances, to the moon, the stars, the dark blanket of clouds, down the soft warm earth, with trees of such wisdom where the epitome of patience is marked on its branches, each wrinkled bark, with a story, with a mystery, with a life.

My mind never ceases to journey through paths of long forgotten tales; it walks through the pathway of forgotten liaisons. Each pebble of time I am hoping to reach the man I freed from my greedy grasps not so long ago.

I am enveloped with fear, dreading the moment when I would loose my grip into this unknown, a battle of hearts and shadows, and a masquerade of bony sorrows. A picture so vague, threatening to disappear any second now.

That is what I am feeling right now. I dread remembering, and I fear forgetting (you), forgetting the one true thing that brought me to Love.

12/23/4
8:05pm

the day before I broke my heart, the day before I decided to stop writing.

connecting connection

hello jepoy,

wow didnt expect a comment from you. actually wasnt expecting anybody to hear my scream in silence. thank you for giving me a piece of your mind. it kinda lifted my soul, actually it made me smile. thank you once again.

as i type down this words i am shaking, i feel cold, i dont know why, maybe because i am again connecting, connecting to him through you.

last dec 23, i sent him a message, he replied telling me to stop waiting, mahirap na raw umasa. so i asked him if he still loves me and now that he's making me stop does that mean that its over between us, he said he doesnt know hes "fucked up" then he said its been over since the day we broke up and that he just told me to wait because he knows that SUMDAY(all caps, copied from his text message)hell come back.

so after shedding galons of tears i have realized that maybe i should really be invisible in his life for a while, and give him the space he wants for him to be able to grow.

it really really hurts, its not just an ordinary hurt, its a soul hurt. i have been miserable since the day we broke up, but i am trying to live for the people who loves me those who nver gave up on me, i think i owe my life to them.

i am trying to be better each day, trying to find Love in Any Form.

after that conversation with him, i decided to stop writting for a while, for if i write it will only make me want him more. it will not stop me from yearning. i have decided to love him from far away and in silence, i will forever pray for him, i will ask God to grant him the privilage to find his authentic self.

thank you jepoy for hearing my scream in silence. i really really appreciate your concern. thank you.

God has answered my prayers, now anj is really happy, she deserves it, she deserves to be loved by a person as good a you are. the both of you will always be in my prayers.sorry if i took this opprtunity to rant...

sorry i made you read this long letter... i just had to release... thank you again.

God Bless You

much love from the mermaid under the dark ocaen waves...

bye

pom,

i wonder what you are doing right now, are you thinking of me or you're still too tired to do that. are you with your friends, trying to act as if you are happy but deep inside you feel empty and you are still yearning for me (i hope). tell me cause tonight maybe if you answer that you might stop me from ending this... ending Hope.

tonight i am thinking about ceasing to write to you. i am tired of writing, i have come to the realization that my words are too weak to reach you. i have realized that they have lost thier power. i am thinking about giving you up.

once... not so long ago, i thought to myself that if i continued writing to you i might be able to reach you, through the sincerity of my words and the vulnerability i am feeling. i thought that when i write to you the letters, the words could somehow reach you. wishing that you would be able to hear my silent scream. i believed that if i continued to write i would be able to create a world where we can still be together, a perfect sanctuary just for the two of us.

but now i know that they can't. how could they if you won't let them?

tonight this will be the last letter that i shall write for you, the last time you are going to see your name in it. the last time i would blatantly show the world that every single word i create i offer to you. the last time i would write your name... the last.

and as i end this letter with a (.) put in mind that i am ending everything about us. i am letting you go... setting you free...

thank you, for every heartbeat, for every heartache, for every laughter, for every tear, thank you for all the firsts, thank you for all the lasts, thank you for all the hellos, thank you for all the good byes, thank you for all the lessons I shall never forget. Thank you I have grown more. I have lived more, I have loved more. You shall be forever remebered and cherished…

forever, thank you for Everything.

goodnight to you my love…

goodbye.

12/15/4/

8:55pm

blanket of memories

(the blanket i made when i first broke my heart, we once shared its warmth together...)

last night i laid my sea, a blanket of vivid colors, i have captured the shade of the sea, the apple, the orange, the pearl garland, the sea foam, the eggplant, and the sun, i knitted them down, seizedthe beauty of the world to make up this blanket of memory.

i made this after the first time i broke my heart, the needle and the thread became my friends, they have helped me mend my broken pieces. they helped me make a web of memories and life, the ones we shared together, and now i offer you this blanket of conncetion, the connection we made before you drifted away from me...

i am laying this down, a sea for you to sail again and reach me. look at the colors, how vibrant they are, how happy, but look... feel... deep down they are loud colors screaming the vasteness of my solituted and yearning for you.

tonight i rest my tired body atop of this web i created and stared at the stars, hoping to see Hope. little slits of light, specks of life from the dead of night. they are signs i have had since the day we became one. and now that we are no longer that single body i am waiting for the little specks to come down and bring me back Hope, Life and You again.

as i prayed and spoke my language of silence i gazed at the sky,
STOP! my heart froze! a sign! a saw another sign... what does that mean this time?
STOP! my heart froze Again!
STOP! my heart froze Once More!
i was hoping for One but he gave me Three...

until then i should wait for whatever those signs meant...