in between black and white is grey

i've realizd that the hardest part is when you don't get any support from your family...

i feel sad standing in the middle of a crossroad, not knowing which way to go... is it to the path where your family would be happy since it is their dream that you be this person, but you realize taht this person they want you to be isn't you. and from a far you see that their vision is not the same as yours. of course its not the same, how can it be the same if what you want isn't what they wish you'd be.

it's so depressing to know that your decision would disappoint them, since you can't fulfill thier dreams... all i can say is that i am sorry, for i can not be that person, i am not that person you want me to be.

this year has been a struggle, and for a while i tried to forget who i really am because i was trying to blend with them. i tried, but you know, i get tired of trying too. especially now taht i know what i want. i hope you can read this. i hope you know how sorry i am for turning my back on your dream.

it was my choice, yes it was, but sometimes people make the wrong decisions too, right? like what you said before, life is like a math problem, you under go alot of trials and errors, but in the end with the right motive and right drive you'd arive at the desired outcome right? then why don't you understand? why?

i want to move on further, i want to swim in my real world, i know, you always say that... walang madali sa buhay... i know that... but you can lighten up the burden by finding something that doenst feel like work right?

it is hard, it will be hard, it will be a new battle for me, it will be another struggle, but this time i will be fighting for what i really want, and there would be no room for excuses and mediocracy anymore... and all i ask is for you to understand... and for you to give your blessing, and support perhaps...

i love all of you, and it really hurts me that i am about to disappoint all of you, once again... i really am sorry, i don't know what to do anymore.. but just in case... i think i'd be willing to sacrifice my happiness in exchange for yours... i love you all... i hope it reaches you... and im sorry again... lets talk soon... please....

thoughts from a mentor...

march 15, 2006

my dear marianne, "ynna":

we may not have worked well with the law but i am so glad to find a sincere heart in you. your disposition is an inspiration for one who seeks greatness. admission of one's deficiency is often the first step to a fulfilled life.

if you have realized that the legal profession is not for you, then pursue what you honestly conceive is in your heart and mind. if still confused as to what it is, seek Divine guidance. and when you pray, learn to LISTEN, likewise. God will surely reveal it to a sincere heart which seeks Him. you will find it in the people and circumstances around you. learn to listen with your mind and your heart. nurturing spiritual strength is an essential in life. you will never go wrong with it, even if at times, you tend to go slow.

when you finally find your place in this life, then excuses will have to fade and replace these with all efforts to pursue excellence in that field. a great philosopher once said, "we are what we repeatedly do. excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." i pray that, in time, i will see you in such state of life. then, it will be your turn to be God's wonderful blessing to others, inspiring them with your ways and your life, as you glorify God in your endeavors. when we do this, then we reduce the number of people who pay lip service to the prayer that... "in all things, God may be glorified".... because we are, iindeed, a delightful sight before His eyes.

God be with you always. :)

--------
**i just opened it now,ynna.thank you very much..you are so gifted,not only with a talent in art but with a sincere and grateful heart..when you swim in the waters of life,do not forget to put on the wings of faith and courage..before you know it,you'll find yourself flying to reach your star.God bless you,my dear.
(21:13:50,3.18.2006) (21:14:09,3.18.2006)

**God be with you always..remember,as you strive to ask God for guidance,learn to listen..then ask for grace to obey..Goodnight,my dear. :)

----
this is from the greatest woman i ever knew during my short stay in san beda lawschool. we encounter so many trials, and at some point in our lives we need to choose a path, and the most difficult thing for me is to stand in the middle of the crossroad, just there, not doing anything because i am paralyzed by my fear of the uncertain.

its so hard to make a decision especially when you know that you're going to disappoint a lot of people, especially your family.

so in the middle of feeling sorry and guilty, i wrote her a letter, just pouring all the emotions i felt, and about the decision i am trying to make. and i was so grateful to recieve a letter from her and as a sign of gratitude i made her a painting. i hope you guys could learn something from this. :)

21 wishes

i took this picture last year (4/2/5)

in a couple of weeks it's going to be my birthday again and i want to have my 21 wishes

i wish:

21. i could gather enough strength to pursue my dream to study creative writting
20. not to be a financial burden anymore
19. i could stop disappointing people around me
18. to help all the people i love in any way that i can
17. to move on farther, so i can love him from far away
16. my love reaches ning and my dad, so i could hug them once again
15. i could be more grateful towards all the blessings to come
14. to write better
13. i could be more passionate
12. i could love God more
11. to love my self
10. i could find the right path where i could funtion well and serve Him more
9. to love my friends more
8. to love my family more
7. i could paint more surreal images from my psychedelic brain
6. i could bring my car here in manila
5. i could quit smoking and be a vegetarian again
4. i could be a good sister to my siblings
3. i could be a good daughter to my mom
2. i could see my dad again... in time dad in time... :)
1. i could be a better person (a perfect version of my self)

i hope the list doesn't have to end... there are a lot more things to wish for but i'd still stick to what my fate has to offer. :)

despite, despite

ate lori say cheese! :P
sabi mo bangs eh :)

despite, despite.... i was still able to laugh and smile because of you. i miss the two of you. amma i love you thank you for understanding... indeed i am your "panganay" and you are my "inay". :) ate lori... thank you your coolness. :) thank you for the strength and the rest.
"i love you more today than yesterday... but not as much as tomorrow... :) "

too late

as you walk pass the crowd
i feel you closer wearing the eyes of apology.
your presence lift me like
the waves of regret,
after breaking a fragile dream.
each broken piece
are like the dead leaves of autumn,
soft but scarring
piercing my face
and scarlet water flow from
every pore
flowring into a bouquet of yearning.

you walk down farther
until you reach my bones of broken shells
you try to put each piece together.
like a puzzle you assemble me
back to misery.

why try to fix me now?
after you let your wings
of apathy push me to whisper
into the thickness of void.
why now?
when i learned to swim
on land amidst the boken glasses
that flow in each current of memory.
why now when i am Still
trying to crawl away from you?

2:26 pm
inside ice's car... no oblicon

swimming on land

you are watercolor dancing on paper.
vivid waves of memory
sing songs which are thicker than tears.

salt dissolved by space,
imprisoned by time.

you are a fish, walking on land.
never ceases to run the dusty urban paths.
abandoned the waves, and have forgotten
your pearl underneath.

salt dissolved by space,
imprisoned by time.

i am the brush that strokes memories
of love on the sheet of space that has
filled the void of emptiness.
giving birth to the deafness.
i sway with the sound of tears falling.

imprisoned by the promise of freedom.
waiting is longer than forever.

i who never learned to dance on land,
but will always whisper the songs of yearning.
the forgotten pearl struck down
by the wrath of sorrow
washed up by the waves to
join the sea foams fade.

imprisoned by the promise of freedom.
waiting is longer than forever.

muses: mei & azaka
5/17/5

life doesnt suck after all...

i thought i did but i was wrong and now i hate...

i thought i did but i was wrong. i thought that it was different in my case, in the process of moving on--to skip the part where you hate and try to forget. thought i would never get affected about what is happening with his life, especially now that i am no longer in it. and now i hate the fact that i hate him and that i also hate the fact taht he feels sorry about what he did, about what happened to us.i hate the fact that he remembers me, how i was so sincere about things. i hate it! i hate the fact that i never did anything wrong in our relationship, and still i earned nothing from it. i hate the fact taht i saw him yesterday and i am writting things about him again. i hate it when he felt like he was rude when he saw me, and that if it seemed like he did he said he didn't mean to look rude. i hate the fact that i still have you bookmarked on my friendster account, and i hate the fact taht i c\still check on you once in a while. and i hate the fact that im still not through thinking about things i hate about you.i hate myself for feeling do shaky and cold inside out right now as i type this crap, i hate the fact that i feel like i am destroying my keyboard for jamming each letter so hard, out of anger maybe? i hate the fact taht i forgot how thankful i am about the lessons i've learned. i hate the fact that im wrong, when i thought i have moved on... but i didnt... not an inch... i hate the fact that he borrowed my lighter, i hate the fact that my bed sheets are still with him and my pajama too... that tight skimpy pair with purple flowers... for healing... i hate it. i hate hating right now. i hate the fact that when i read **** blog we miss the same exact things about him... i hate it because i have this urge to say i hate you and i regret ever knowing you. and i hate the fact that i don't remeber how it was when we were together. i hate the fact that when i saw him he seemed to be total stranger to me. i hate the fact that after seeing him i cant seem to get him off my head AGAIN. i hate the fact that you have a sexcret blog that i will never ever see and i would never ever be able to fish sensitive details about you, like how it was with us before.i hate the one year apart from him because i have realized taht he didn't deserve me. i hate the fact that all my efforts didnt pay off, and i hate it that i am still not done with ranting, and i hate the fact that its almost four in the afternoon and i havent taken a bath nor glanced at my book cause i slacked the whole day without any aparent reason then bam! i stoppped denying the fact... and yes i am affected about what happend last night. i hate the fact that i miss bea and gee if not for you we could have been good friends. i hate the fact that i had to go back to ateneo and remeber how it used to when i loved you... and you didnt. i hate the fact that a yeah hod gone by a lot of death and yearning... but still i get affected by your existence. i hate the fact that im typing words all jumbled in side my heads, not giving a damn about the spelling and the grammar. i hate the fact that i think you are... and i guess everbody was right from the begennning. i hate the fact that finally you have come to the point when you know you did something wrong and you remember each sweet moments we had together. i hate you i hate you i hate you!!!! and wosrt of all i hate my self again.

womb that is my room

my bed, clenched like a child
inside the womb that is my room
and i the fetus, crumble down
as painstaking pulse of life
pound my heart
til it breaks, how such beauty be so brittle


my fist stabbed into my heart
to stop the blooming of pain
as my forehead reach the top of my toe
wordless, they articulate
the misery of the abandoned


as the night carry an amber breeze
that surrounds the moon
creating a galaxy masacre
and i imagine the rape of luna
now bleeding with stars
that continuously scar the sky
jet black to acid red of pain


if the sky is in chaos
like an unending war for peace
unhealable wound of love
where else can i hide
but back to the womb that is my room
and keep my sorrows adrift like seafoams
at the edge of my bed
this little abode--is the safest
if not a home.

2:00pm

long due posts

better than
12/;16pm 10/11/5


sitting heavily inside a teacup
i taste the bitterness of yesterday
in each gulp of leaves dried up by memory
the rythm of the cup twirling between my palms
bring me back to you
how each cup of tea paints your imag inside me
and now in retrospect
i know i've loved you, and still
still as remembrance
but today i have decided
to move on with time
and sway with the generosity of change

unbearable lightness
of life, like the wind
that blows in you face when you wake up on holidays
crisp and fresh, innocent, unkowing
it lifts me up
to the dark ocean waves
and i feel my soul illuminating
together with trhe pearls i've cried--
surrounding me, brightly
and lightly carressing my back
giving comfort to the abandoned

inside my shell i slowly crawl
like an infant
seeing the world for the first time
with all its splendor
embracing the unknwon which is such a beauty
as i crawl on further i see
your face, the memories
of what has been --- is never to return

but i am grateful for the gifts you gave
hurting and dying wrapped wonderfully in your skin
which i have praised
yes i was once your pagan
despite blind great love
that will never win
against anxiety and restraint
i have learned taht loving
from far away
is better than hoping (waiting)

in memory of

in memory of

as we try to savor
each day
knowing it will end soon
like all days must
like all roads must
like all cycles will
we create memories
which can be clasped in our hands
like a bird in your palm
ready to sing the songs of yesterday
in memory of
days long gone.

Cycle

CYCLE

by: Langston Hughes

So many little flowers

Drop thier tiny heads

But newer buds

come to bloom

In thier place instead.

I miss the little flowers

That have gone away.

But the newly budding blossoms

Are equally gay.

punta fuego!

just cant wait till summer... so we went to find comfort as soon as we had the opportunity... i had no expectations whatsoever wheni heard the words punta fuego... i thought it was an ordinary resort but it turned out that it was an exclusive subdivision for rich people. oh well yeah... poor philippines rich filipinos... :) amazing huh?! oh well a poor girl from the province like me is so naive about this rich places rich people own... but geez... during the drive around the place i was really hoping to marry a prince and live in one of the castles there! it was really a haven for people who love nature and specially the beach.. plus the infinity pool was great too! so there i really had fun with nico and ate di! yeah so much for spontaneity ;P. well thank you for the wonderful time you two, especially you ate di thank you for the punta fuego trip, the time and the stories.. i love you so much... hmm.. i might not likw him... but i guess i can't do anything... you're happy... for now... and you know it:)

vivid lucidity

lucidity springs from the fountain of blur

the void that was once...

...shall never come

...shall never come

shall never come twice...

you know i CAN smile without you! :)

life has been so great to me... this year i was given the chance to redeem my grace!!! geez! after all the crap i've been through who would've thought i'd be able to live happily again... it's been a long while now since i wrote something substantial... but i dont care, it simply means that im so busy being happy, that i dont have the time to sulk and absorb the lonliness of the world. but i will always be thankful that once in my life i was able to befriend sadness... i've learned alot from her you know.

hmm... thank you to all the people who have appreciated me, like me, and loved me.i will always have a reason to smile in the morning because of you guys.to all my real friends...you give me more than a hundred reasons not to have a boyfriend yet.:) and to those who broke me heart!(in one way or another i would want to curse you,but not now..cant allow you to ruin this)so i'd just thank you for the lessons.well to the man(man?really?i heard some rumors you know...;p)well yeah to you...yey it's been a year and i've finally decided to move on and now as you and they can see i am happy now!more than when i was with you i think but don't get me wrong i WAS happy to be with you back then... to you who ever you are thank you so much for a very wonderful heart break that brought me to the stars and back. whatever it is that you want to be...hey i'd be honored to be the one to has pushed you to the edge! ;p

wait! to the guy who conquered his fears and sang to the mermaid his songs of love...even if the mermaid doesn't see you as the one who she likes to love and live with beneath the ocean waves, i'm sure she is happy to have met you... there are still alot of love and form out there...continue with the search...:) the moondance was great!

i really feel so happy and wonderful i can't help it!!!!

thank you everyone! thank you all! mwah!

Find love in anyform...if that love in that form isnt the one...go on with the journey...life is fun including the bumps and the bruises on the way!

i love life!!! :D

starfish(11/16/5) for almost 2 hours

"a fish swimming on land to be able to reach the Star"
---and i shall be myself forever and ever.

11/22/4-11/22/5

it's been a year!!!:)
yet the tales of the angel and mermaid shall never cease...cheers!

the lightness... i'm being...

I FEEL SO HIGH!!!
THE LIGHTNESS IS UNBEARABLE!!!
YET SO WONDERFUL!!!

the tale of casualan

cas'u.al.an (kash-wal-an) adj. happening by chance; carelesness; relaxed attitude; flippant attitude; negligence; lightness; lack of commitment.

he came from the blanket
of fumes that has been puffed out
from frustrated lungs and exasperated gods.
lingering taste of alcohol
hypnotized beingness.
converting it to void
a sudden escape from remembrance,
from the staggering claws of acceptance and parting

hollowness bridged him to her side
slightly slithering his way in
he wiped out memory found ob her sweat
beads of yesterday clawed in her hair
eradicated awhile by caresses
relief from a stranger,
she had always imagined--
became an appropriation
infront of her
slowly eating her
eating her

like heavy droplets of water
wet, they create a river of stories
free flowing, remembrance fresh
slightly their souls intertwine
vines and veins of stranger
acquiant hollowness
she felt a sudden hope for him to come
and to become reality
tp slap her back to life
and slowly he did
like a strom he rushed into her face
next--embracing her body
inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale
excreting sighs of pleasure
moist and fresh
slipping down with pride
she had let him in.

he became a reflection of her life
a more brutal one perhaps
their past compared
and suddenly he became god.
shattered the balance
of the princess in the cup
realization of--moments wasted,
time ignored
love uncherished.

--the princess turned into swine.

casual exchange of tales
opened her thigh, but not her mouth
just her thigh, just her thigh
widely spread--enter please.
her mouth shall remain shut
til she finds a future with him.

widely spread
he opened her scar once more
but he does not try to heal
but only to feel, to come, to feel again
the thigh, the breast
the breast, the thigh and back
as he enters the narrow cleavage
of her center
an orgasmic cry of the soul
crushing her dignity
with his body on top of her

nothing is left of him
only the memory of blood
breaking neither the heart not the vagina
only the soul
a blur now, clarity later
a sudden splurge of frustration and disappoinment
she had ruined her life once more.

illusion that she made love with God
not quite, rather
sleeping with a man
she does not know
not even names were remebered
consider adding the face
what was left of that night, that escape
was lost of worth.

unexpected stroke of words
lulling what has been asleep forever
forcing its way into what she called void
void: from the time she lived and before she died
the period of existence is what brought her oblivion
her passion for love, gave her death

no drama, only reality
the abandoned has found yet another
and again the abandoned shall do
the same and leave
the cycle of departure
slapped her back to reality perhaps sleeping with strangers
would bring her comfort then.

casualan lang--
enter and leave as you please.

A NIGHT WITH god

swaying streets and dancing stairs
amidst the crowd of strife
soulless faces of somebody and someone
filling the gap of nostalgia
he found her
as the veil of alcohol lingered

he traced the contours of her face
as he walked pass the line of remembrave and grief
charmed his way through the grey clouds
and through the dark ocean waves that embraced her

in hiding--she roamed the path of forgetting
eradicating what has been and what remained

touching the sacredness of her being
the unhealable wound bled another time.

she felt God speaking
of words she had to hear
sudden escape from lucidity
perhaps an escape from life

trembling past intertwining
the wave of regret came as a blur
uncertainty begets reason
reason offers none
the obscurity of lust overpowered by love
now she knows
---it isn't so.