swimming on land

you are watercolor dancing on paper.
vivid waves of memory
sing songs which are thicker than tears.

salt dissolved by space,
imprisoned by time.

you are a fish, walking on land.
never ceases to run the dusty urban paths.
abandoned the waves, and have forgotten
your pearl underneath.

salt dissolved by space,
imprisoned by time.

i am the brush that strokes memories
of love on the sheet of space that has
filled the void of emptiness.
giving birth to the deafness.
i sway with the sound of tears falling.

imprisoned by the promise of freedom.
waiting is longer than forever.

i who never learned to dance on land,
but will always whisper the songs of yearning.
the forgotten pearl struck down
by the wrath of sorrow
washed up by the waves to
join the sea foams fade.

imprisoned by the promise of freedom.
waiting is longer than forever.

muses: mei & azaka
5/17/5

life doesnt suck after all...

i thought i did but i was wrong and now i hate...

i thought i did but i was wrong. i thought that it was different in my case, in the process of moving on--to skip the part where you hate and try to forget. thought i would never get affected about what is happening with his life, especially now that i am no longer in it. and now i hate the fact that i hate him and that i also hate the fact taht he feels sorry about what he did, about what happened to us.i hate the fact that he remembers me, how i was so sincere about things. i hate it! i hate the fact that i never did anything wrong in our relationship, and still i earned nothing from it. i hate the fact taht i saw him yesterday and i am writting things about him again. i hate it when he felt like he was rude when he saw me, and that if it seemed like he did he said he didn't mean to look rude. i hate the fact that i still have you bookmarked on my friendster account, and i hate the fact taht i c\still check on you once in a while. and i hate the fact that im still not through thinking about things i hate about you.i hate myself for feeling do shaky and cold inside out right now as i type this crap, i hate the fact that i feel like i am destroying my keyboard for jamming each letter so hard, out of anger maybe? i hate the fact taht i forgot how thankful i am about the lessons i've learned. i hate the fact that im wrong, when i thought i have moved on... but i didnt... not an inch... i hate the fact that he borrowed my lighter, i hate the fact that my bed sheets are still with him and my pajama too... that tight skimpy pair with purple flowers... for healing... i hate it. i hate hating right now. i hate the fact that when i read **** blog we miss the same exact things about him... i hate it because i have this urge to say i hate you and i regret ever knowing you. and i hate the fact that i don't remeber how it was when we were together. i hate the fact that when i saw him he seemed to be total stranger to me. i hate the fact that after seeing him i cant seem to get him off my head AGAIN. i hate the fact that you have a sexcret blog that i will never ever see and i would never ever be able to fish sensitive details about you, like how it was with us before.i hate the one year apart from him because i have realized taht he didn't deserve me. i hate the fact that all my efforts didnt pay off, and i hate it that i am still not done with ranting, and i hate the fact that its almost four in the afternoon and i havent taken a bath nor glanced at my book cause i slacked the whole day without any aparent reason then bam! i stoppped denying the fact... and yes i am affected about what happend last night. i hate the fact that i miss bea and gee if not for you we could have been good friends. i hate the fact that i had to go back to ateneo and remeber how it used to when i loved you... and you didnt. i hate the fact that a yeah hod gone by a lot of death and yearning... but still i get affected by your existence. i hate the fact that im typing words all jumbled in side my heads, not giving a damn about the spelling and the grammar. i hate the fact that i think you are... and i guess everbody was right from the begennning. i hate the fact that finally you have come to the point when you know you did something wrong and you remember each sweet moments we had together. i hate you i hate you i hate you!!!! and wosrt of all i hate my self again.

womb that is my room

my bed, clenched like a child
inside the womb that is my room
and i the fetus, crumble down
as painstaking pulse of life
pound my heart
til it breaks, how such beauty be so brittle


my fist stabbed into my heart
to stop the blooming of pain
as my forehead reach the top of my toe
wordless, they articulate
the misery of the abandoned


as the night carry an amber breeze
that surrounds the moon
creating a galaxy masacre
and i imagine the rape of luna
now bleeding with stars
that continuously scar the sky
jet black to acid red of pain


if the sky is in chaos
like an unending war for peace
unhealable wound of love
where else can i hide
but back to the womb that is my room
and keep my sorrows adrift like seafoams
at the edge of my bed
this little abode--is the safest
if not a home.

2:00pm

long due posts

better than
12/;16pm 10/11/5


sitting heavily inside a teacup
i taste the bitterness of yesterday
in each gulp of leaves dried up by memory
the rythm of the cup twirling between my palms
bring me back to you
how each cup of tea paints your imag inside me
and now in retrospect
i know i've loved you, and still
still as remembrance
but today i have decided
to move on with time
and sway with the generosity of change

unbearable lightness
of life, like the wind
that blows in you face when you wake up on holidays
crisp and fresh, innocent, unkowing
it lifts me up
to the dark ocean waves
and i feel my soul illuminating
together with trhe pearls i've cried--
surrounding me, brightly
and lightly carressing my back
giving comfort to the abandoned

inside my shell i slowly crawl
like an infant
seeing the world for the first time
with all its splendor
embracing the unknwon which is such a beauty
as i crawl on further i see
your face, the memories
of what has been --- is never to return

but i am grateful for the gifts you gave
hurting and dying wrapped wonderfully in your skin
which i have praised
yes i was once your pagan
despite blind great love
that will never win
against anxiety and restraint
i have learned taht loving
from far away
is better than hoping (waiting)

in memory of

in memory of

as we try to savor
each day
knowing it will end soon
like all days must
like all roads must
like all cycles will
we create memories
which can be clasped in our hands
like a bird in your palm
ready to sing the songs of yesterday
in memory of
days long gone.

Cycle

CYCLE

by: Langston Hughes

So many little flowers

Drop thier tiny heads

But newer buds

come to bloom

In thier place instead.

I miss the little flowers

That have gone away.

But the newly budding blossoms

Are equally gay.

punta fuego!

just cant wait till summer... so we went to find comfort as soon as we had the opportunity... i had no expectations whatsoever wheni heard the words punta fuego... i thought it was an ordinary resort but it turned out that it was an exclusive subdivision for rich people. oh well yeah... poor philippines rich filipinos... :) amazing huh?! oh well a poor girl from the province like me is so naive about this rich places rich people own... but geez... during the drive around the place i was really hoping to marry a prince and live in one of the castles there! it was really a haven for people who love nature and specially the beach.. plus the infinity pool was great too! so there i really had fun with nico and ate di! yeah so much for spontaneity ;P. well thank you for the wonderful time you two, especially you ate di thank you for the punta fuego trip, the time and the stories.. i love you so much... hmm.. i might not likw him... but i guess i can't do anything... you're happy... for now... and you know it:)

vivid lucidity

lucidity springs from the fountain of blur

the void that was once...

...shall never come

...shall never come

shall never come twice...

you know i CAN smile without you! :)

life has been so great to me... this year i was given the chance to redeem my grace!!! geez! after all the crap i've been through who would've thought i'd be able to live happily again... it's been a long while now since i wrote something substantial... but i dont care, it simply means that im so busy being happy, that i dont have the time to sulk and absorb the lonliness of the world. but i will always be thankful that once in my life i was able to befriend sadness... i've learned alot from her you know.

hmm... thank you to all the people who have appreciated me, like me, and loved me.i will always have a reason to smile in the morning because of you guys.to all my real friends...you give me more than a hundred reasons not to have a boyfriend yet.:) and to those who broke me heart!(in one way or another i would want to curse you,but not now..cant allow you to ruin this)so i'd just thank you for the lessons.well to the man(man?really?i heard some rumors you know...;p)well yeah to you...yey it's been a year and i've finally decided to move on and now as you and they can see i am happy now!more than when i was with you i think but don't get me wrong i WAS happy to be with you back then... to you who ever you are thank you so much for a very wonderful heart break that brought me to the stars and back. whatever it is that you want to be...hey i'd be honored to be the one to has pushed you to the edge! ;p

wait! to the guy who conquered his fears and sang to the mermaid his songs of love...even if the mermaid doesn't see you as the one who she likes to love and live with beneath the ocean waves, i'm sure she is happy to have met you... there are still alot of love and form out there...continue with the search...:) the moondance was great!

i really feel so happy and wonderful i can't help it!!!!

thank you everyone! thank you all! mwah!

Find love in anyform...if that love in that form isnt the one...go on with the journey...life is fun including the bumps and the bruises on the way!

i love life!!! :D

starfish(11/16/5) for almost 2 hours

"a fish swimming on land to be able to reach the Star"
---and i shall be myself forever and ever.

11/22/4-11/22/5

it's been a year!!!:)
yet the tales of the angel and mermaid shall never cease...cheers!

the lightness... i'm being...

I FEEL SO HIGH!!!
THE LIGHTNESS IS UNBEARABLE!!!
YET SO WONDERFUL!!!

the tale of casualan

cas'u.al.an (kash-wal-an) adj. happening by chance; carelesness; relaxed attitude; flippant attitude; negligence; lightness; lack of commitment.

he came from the blanket
of fumes that has been puffed out
from frustrated lungs and exasperated gods.
lingering taste of alcohol
hypnotized beingness.
converting it to void
a sudden escape from remembrance,
from the staggering claws of acceptance and parting

hollowness bridged him to her side
slightly slithering his way in
he wiped out memory found ob her sweat
beads of yesterday clawed in her hair
eradicated awhile by caresses
relief from a stranger,
she had always imagined--
became an appropriation
infront of her
slowly eating her
eating her

like heavy droplets of water
wet, they create a river of stories
free flowing, remembrance fresh
slightly their souls intertwine
vines and veins of stranger
acquiant hollowness
she felt a sudden hope for him to come
and to become reality
tp slap her back to life
and slowly he did
like a strom he rushed into her face
next--embracing her body
inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale
excreting sighs of pleasure
moist and fresh
slipping down with pride
she had let him in.

he became a reflection of her life
a more brutal one perhaps
their past compared
and suddenly he became god.
shattered the balance
of the princess in the cup
realization of--moments wasted,
time ignored
love uncherished.

--the princess turned into swine.

casual exchange of tales
opened her thigh, but not her mouth
just her thigh, just her thigh
widely spread--enter please.
her mouth shall remain shut
til she finds a future with him.

widely spread
he opened her scar once more
but he does not try to heal
but only to feel, to come, to feel again
the thigh, the breast
the breast, the thigh and back
as he enters the narrow cleavage
of her center
an orgasmic cry of the soul
crushing her dignity
with his body on top of her

nothing is left of him
only the memory of blood
breaking neither the heart not the vagina
only the soul
a blur now, clarity later
a sudden splurge of frustration and disappoinment
she had ruined her life once more.

illusion that she made love with God
not quite, rather
sleeping with a man
she does not know
not even names were remebered
consider adding the face
what was left of that night, that escape
was lost of worth.

unexpected stroke of words
lulling what has been asleep forever
forcing its way into what she called void
void: from the time she lived and before she died
the period of existence is what brought her oblivion
her passion for love, gave her death

no drama, only reality
the abandoned has found yet another
and again the abandoned shall do
the same and leave
the cycle of departure
slapped her back to reality perhaps sleeping with strangers
would bring her comfort then.

casualan lang--
enter and leave as you please.

A NIGHT WITH god

swaying streets and dancing stairs
amidst the crowd of strife
soulless faces of somebody and someone
filling the gap of nostalgia
he found her
as the veil of alcohol lingered

he traced the contours of her face
as he walked pass the line of remembrave and grief
charmed his way through the grey clouds
and through the dark ocean waves that embraced her

in hiding--she roamed the path of forgetting
eradicating what has been and what remained

touching the sacredness of her being
the unhealable wound bled another time.

she felt God speaking
of words she had to hear
sudden escape from lucidity
perhaps an escape from life

trembling past intertwining
the wave of regret came as a blur
uncertainty begets reason
reason offers none
the obscurity of lust overpowered by love
now she knows
---it isn't so.

just passing by....

how's the world...

how's life beyond law books and law schools and normal looking guys in tucked in polos those superficial facades... embracing the normity of the world...

emotions: sadness and fear... how long has it been til i felt calm...

how are you people of the world?

anywhere is...

Anywhere Is
Enya

I walk the maze of moments
but everywhere I turn to
begins a new beginning
but never finds a finish
I walk to the horizon
and there I find another
it all seems so surprising
and then I find that I know

Chorus:
You go there you're gone forever
I go there I'll lose my way
if we stay here we're not together
Anywhere is

The moon upon the ocean
is swept around in motion
but without ever knowing
the reason for its flowing
in motion on the ocean
the moon still keeps on moving
the waves still keep on waving
and I still keep on going

Chorus

I wonder if the stars sign
the life that is to be mine
and would they let their light shine
enough for me to follow
I look up to the heavens
but night has clouded over
no spark of constellation
no Vela no Orion
The shells upon the warm sands
have taken from their own lands
the echo of their story
but all I hear are low sounds
as pillow words are weaving
and willow waves are leaving
but should I be believing

Chorus

To leave the thread of all time
and let it make a dark line
in hopes that I can still find
the way back to the moment
I took the turn and turned to
begin a new beginning
still looking for the answer
I cannot find the finish
It's either this or that way
it's one way or the other
it should be one direction
it could be on reflection
the turn I have just taken
the turn that I was making
I might be just beginning
I might be near the end.

It's been so long...

Hi everybody! I missed this! Writing in my blog... So how are you? I've been very busy fixing my life lately. I did a lot of things that I have to real be serious at. Like yeah... lawschool. Its all new and unfamiliar and im telling you its physically and mentally scary... hahaha useless sentence... try to understand my saturated brain... I feel so small and scared to wander around and explore. I miss being free from stress... Yeah like that ever happened... Well it kinda did before... With him... Hehehe... Don't get mad at me if im still not over it ok... someday i'll be...

i miss the beach and i miss my friends. all i do now is read read and read stupid laws and evil professors! hahaha...

well was just passing by...

see you when i see you...

PART THREE: Words Misunderstood

• the love he bore this woman, with whom he had fallen in love several months befpre, was so precious to him that he tried to create an independent space for her in his life, a restricted zone of purity.

• love was not an extension of public life but its antithesis. it meant a longing to put himself at the mercy of his partner. he who gives himself up like a prisoner of war must give up his weapons as well. and deprived in advance of defense against a possible blow, he cannot help wonering when the blow will fall. ... love meant the constant expectation of a blow.

• all lovers unconsciously establish thier own rules of the game, which from the outset admit no transgression.

• a recapulation of time, a hymn to thier common past, a sentimental summary of an unsentimental story that was disappearing in the distance.

• semantic river: each time the same object would give rise to a new meaning, though all former meanings would resonate (like an echo, like a parade of echoes) together with the nre one. each new experience would sound, each time enriching the harmony.

• they failed to har the semantic susurrus of the river flowing through them.

• while people are fairly young and the musical composition of thier lives is still in its opening bars, they can go about writing it together and exchange motifs..., but if they meet when thye are older..., thier musical composition are more or less complete, and every motif, every object, every word means something different to each of them.

A SHORT DICTIONARY OF MISUNDERSTOOD WORDS

woman

• what we have not chosen we cannot consider either out merit or our failure.

• value. not every woman was worthy of being called a woman.

• he felt himself unworthy of great a love, and felt he owed hew a low bow.

fidelity and betrayal

• fidelity gave a unity to lives that would otherwise splinter into thousands of split-second impressions.

• betrayal means breaking ranks. betrayal means breaking ranks and going off into the unknown.

music

• he considered music a liberating force: it liberated him from lonliness, introversion, the dust of the library; it opened the door of his body and allowed his soul to step out into the world to make friends.

• music was like a rose blooming on a boundless snow-covered plain of silence.

• noise has one advantage. it drowns out words.

• and what he yearened for that moment, vaguely but with all his might, was unbounded music, absolute sound, a pleasant and happy all-encompassing, over-powering, window-rattling din to engulf, once and for all, the pain, the futility, the vanity of words. music was the negation of sentences, music was the anti-world!

light and darkness

• seeing is limited by two borders: strong light, which blinds, and total darkness.

• extremes mean borders beyond which life ends, and a passion for extremism, in art and in politics, is veiled longing for death.

• that darkness was pure, perfect, thoughtless, visionless; that darkness was without end, without borders; the darkness was the infinite we each carry within us.

• but the larger a man grows in his own inner darkness, the more his outer form diminishes.

• darkness did not mean infinity; for her, it meant a duisagreement with what she saw, the negation of what was seen, the refusal to see.

• she had an overwhelming desire to tell him. like the most banal of women, don't let me go, hold me tight, make me your plaything, your slave, be strong! but they were words she could not say.

A SHORT DICTIONARY OF MISUNDERSTOOD WORDS (continued)

parades

• the idea of such a life made him feel suffocated. he yearned to step out of his life the way one steps out of a house into the street.

• it was as though she had found refuge inside a shell and the only sound she could hear was the sea of an inimical world.

• it's unintentional. it arose independent of human design, like a stalagmatic cavern. forms which are in themsleves wuite ugly turn up fortuitously, wothout design, in such incredible surroundings that they sparkle with a sudden wondrous poetry.

• before beauty disappears entirely from the earth, it will go on existing for a while by mistake. beauty by mistake---the final phase in the history of beauty.

• a children's ball, because the dead are as innocent as children. no matter how brutal life becomes peace always reigns in the cemetery.

• an object was ugly if she willed it ugly, beautiful if she willed it beautiful.

A SHORT DICTIONARY OF MISUNDERSTOOD WORDS (concluded)

the old church in amsterdam

• beauty is a world betrayed. the only way we can encounter it is if its persecutors have overlooked it somewhere. beauty hides behind the scenes... if we want to find it, we must demolish the scenery.

• love means renouncing strength,

• the moment somone keeps an eye on what we do, we involuntarily make allowances for that eye, and nothing we do is truthful. having a public, keeping a public in mind, means living in lies.

• living in truth meant breaking down the barriers between the private and the public.

• felt the strange incomprehensible ecstacy that void had evoked in him.

• everyone would follow the process from a greater or lesser distance, and she would be forced to playact before them all;

• the time she had wanted to go down on her knees before him and beg him to hold her, squeeze her, never let her go. she had longed to come to the end of the dangerous road of betrayals. she had longed to call a halt of it all.

• they could walk along silence without hearing their silence.

• what was important was the golden foorprint, the magic foorprint she had left on his life and no one could ever remove.

• he had always preferred the unreal to the real.

• invisible goddess... whose love he constantly feared losing.

• love is a battle. and i plan to go on fighting.

• love is a battle? well, i don't feel at all like fighting.

• when we wnat to give expression to a dramatic situation in our lives, we tend to use metaphors of heaviness. we say that something has become a great burden to us. we either bear the burden or fail and go down with it, we struggle with it, win or lose.

• her drama was a drama not of heaviness but of lightness. what fell to her lot was not the burden but the unbearable lightness of being.

• the goals we pursue are always veiled.

• the cemetery was vanity tranmogrified into stone.

• when graves are covered with stones, the dead can no longer get out.

• a gulf of misunderstanding had immediately opened between them.

• she was sorry to have been so impatient with him. perhaps if they had stayed together longer, Sabina and Franz would have begun to understand the words they used. gradually, timorously, thier vocabularies would have come together, like bashful lovers, and the music of one would have begun to intersect with the music of the other. but it was too late now.

• move on, and on again, beacuse were she had to die here thye would cover her up with a stone, and in the mind of a woman for whom no place is home the thought of an end to all flight is unbearable.
  

PART TWO: Soul and Body

• but when we ignore the body, we are more easily victimized by it.

• necessity knows no magic formulae---they are all left to chance. if love is to be unforgettable, fortuities must immediately start fluttering down to it like birds to Francis of Assissi's shoulders.

• without realizing it, the individual composes his life according to the laws of beauty even in times of greatest distress.

• dreaming is not merely an act of communication; it is also an aesthetic activity, a game of the imagination, a game that is a value in itself. our dreams prove that to imagine---to dream about things that have not happened---among mankind's deepest needs.

• vertigo is something other than the fear of failing. it is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.

• they exposed her powerlessness, which in turn led to vertigo, the insuperable longing to fall.

• she was in the grip of an insuperable longing to fall. she lived in constant state of vertigo.

• on the surface, an intelligible lie; underneath, the unintelligible truth.

• what do you want me to do? i want you to be old. ten years older. twenty years older! what she meant was: i want you to be weak. as weak as i am.

• she was dependent on him for everything. what would happen to her here if he abandoned her? would she have to live her whole life in fear of losing him?

• in spite of thier love, they had made each other's life a hell. the fact that they loved each other was merely proof that the fault lay not in themselves, in thier behavior or inconstancy of feeling, but rather in their incompatibility: he was strong and she was weak.

• but when the strong were too weak to hurt the weak, the weak should be strong enough to leave.

• we might also call vertigo the intoxication of the weak. aware of his weakness, a man decides to give in rather than stand up to it. he is drunk with weakness, wishes to grow even weaker, wishes to fall down in the middle of the main square in front of everybody, wishes to be down, lower than down.

• she made no response. she could not tell him that she had been waiting for him.

• her first thought was that he had come back becuase of her; because of her, he had changed his destiny. now he would no longer be responsible for her; now she was responsible for him.

• it was not superstition, it was a sense of beauty that cured her of her depression and imbued her with a new will to live.
  

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