despite, despite

ate lori say cheese! :P
sabi mo bangs eh :)

despite, despite.... i was still able to laugh and smile because of you. i miss the two of you. amma i love you thank you for understanding... indeed i am your "panganay" and you are my "inay". :) ate lori... thank you your coolness. :) thank you for the strength and the rest.
"i love you more today than yesterday... but not as much as tomorrow... :) "

too late

as you walk pass the crowd
i feel you closer wearing the eyes of apology.
your presence lift me like
the waves of regret,
after breaking a fragile dream.
each broken piece
are like the dead leaves of autumn,
soft but scarring
piercing my face
and scarlet water flow from
every pore
flowring into a bouquet of yearning.

you walk down farther
until you reach my bones of broken shells
you try to put each piece together.
like a puzzle you assemble me
back to misery.

why try to fix me now?
after you let your wings
of apathy push me to whisper
into the thickness of void.
why now?
when i learned to swim
on land amidst the boken glasses
that flow in each current of memory.
why now when i am Still
trying to crawl away from you?

2:26 pm
inside ice's car... no oblicon

swimming on land

you are watercolor dancing on paper.
vivid waves of memory
sing songs which are thicker than tears.

salt dissolved by space,
imprisoned by time.

you are a fish, walking on land.
never ceases to run the dusty urban paths.
abandoned the waves, and have forgotten
your pearl underneath.

salt dissolved by space,
imprisoned by time.

i am the brush that strokes memories
of love on the sheet of space that has
filled the void of emptiness.
giving birth to the deafness.
i sway with the sound of tears falling.

imprisoned by the promise of freedom.
waiting is longer than forever.

i who never learned to dance on land,
but will always whisper the songs of yearning.
the forgotten pearl struck down
by the wrath of sorrow
washed up by the waves to
join the sea foams fade.

imprisoned by the promise of freedom.
waiting is longer than forever.

muses: mei & azaka
5/17/5

life doesnt suck after all...

i thought i did but i was wrong and now i hate...

i thought i did but i was wrong. i thought that it was different in my case, in the process of moving on--to skip the part where you hate and try to forget. thought i would never get affected about what is happening with his life, especially now that i am no longer in it. and now i hate the fact that i hate him and that i also hate the fact taht he feels sorry about what he did, about what happened to us.i hate the fact that he remembers me, how i was so sincere about things. i hate it! i hate the fact that i never did anything wrong in our relationship, and still i earned nothing from it. i hate the fact taht i saw him yesterday and i am writting things about him again. i hate it when he felt like he was rude when he saw me, and that if it seemed like he did he said he didn't mean to look rude. i hate the fact that i still have you bookmarked on my friendster account, and i hate the fact taht i c\still check on you once in a while. and i hate the fact that im still not through thinking about things i hate about you.i hate myself for feeling do shaky and cold inside out right now as i type this crap, i hate the fact that i feel like i am destroying my keyboard for jamming each letter so hard, out of anger maybe? i hate the fact taht i forgot how thankful i am about the lessons i've learned. i hate the fact that im wrong, when i thought i have moved on... but i didnt... not an inch... i hate the fact that he borrowed my lighter, i hate the fact that my bed sheets are still with him and my pajama too... that tight skimpy pair with purple flowers... for healing... i hate it. i hate hating right now. i hate the fact that when i read **** blog we miss the same exact things about him... i hate it because i have this urge to say i hate you and i regret ever knowing you. and i hate the fact that i don't remeber how it was when we were together. i hate the fact that when i saw him he seemed to be total stranger to me. i hate the fact that after seeing him i cant seem to get him off my head AGAIN. i hate the fact that you have a sexcret blog that i will never ever see and i would never ever be able to fish sensitive details about you, like how it was with us before.i hate the one year apart from him because i have realized taht he didn't deserve me. i hate the fact that all my efforts didnt pay off, and i hate it that i am still not done with ranting, and i hate the fact that its almost four in the afternoon and i havent taken a bath nor glanced at my book cause i slacked the whole day without any aparent reason then bam! i stoppped denying the fact... and yes i am affected about what happend last night. i hate the fact that i miss bea and gee if not for you we could have been good friends. i hate the fact that i had to go back to ateneo and remeber how it used to when i loved you... and you didnt. i hate the fact that a yeah hod gone by a lot of death and yearning... but still i get affected by your existence. i hate the fact that im typing words all jumbled in side my heads, not giving a damn about the spelling and the grammar. i hate the fact that i think you are... and i guess everbody was right from the begennning. i hate the fact that finally you have come to the point when you know you did something wrong and you remember each sweet moments we had together. i hate you i hate you i hate you!!!! and wosrt of all i hate my self again.

womb that is my room

my bed, clenched like a child
inside the womb that is my room
and i the fetus, crumble down
as painstaking pulse of life
pound my heart
til it breaks, how such beauty be so brittle


my fist stabbed into my heart
to stop the blooming of pain
as my forehead reach the top of my toe
wordless, they articulate
the misery of the abandoned


as the night carry an amber breeze
that surrounds the moon
creating a galaxy masacre
and i imagine the rape of luna
now bleeding with stars
that continuously scar the sky
jet black to acid red of pain


if the sky is in chaos
like an unending war for peace
unhealable wound of love
where else can i hide
but back to the womb that is my room
and keep my sorrows adrift like seafoams
at the edge of my bed
this little abode--is the safest
if not a home.

2:00pm

long due posts

better than
12/;16pm 10/11/5


sitting heavily inside a teacup
i taste the bitterness of yesterday
in each gulp of leaves dried up by memory
the rythm of the cup twirling between my palms
bring me back to you
how each cup of tea paints your imag inside me
and now in retrospect
i know i've loved you, and still
still as remembrance
but today i have decided
to move on with time
and sway with the generosity of change

unbearable lightness
of life, like the wind
that blows in you face when you wake up on holidays
crisp and fresh, innocent, unkowing
it lifts me up
to the dark ocean waves
and i feel my soul illuminating
together with trhe pearls i've cried--
surrounding me, brightly
and lightly carressing my back
giving comfort to the abandoned

inside my shell i slowly crawl
like an infant
seeing the world for the first time
with all its splendor
embracing the unknwon which is such a beauty
as i crawl on further i see
your face, the memories
of what has been --- is never to return

but i am grateful for the gifts you gave
hurting and dying wrapped wonderfully in your skin
which i have praised
yes i was once your pagan
despite blind great love
that will never win
against anxiety and restraint
i have learned taht loving
from far away
is better than hoping (waiting)

in memory of

in memory of

as we try to savor
each day
knowing it will end soon
like all days must
like all roads must
like all cycles will
we create memories
which can be clasped in our hands
like a bird in your palm
ready to sing the songs of yesterday
in memory of
days long gone.

Cycle

CYCLE

by: Langston Hughes

So many little flowers

Drop thier tiny heads

But newer buds

come to bloom

In thier place instead.

I miss the little flowers

That have gone away.

But the newly budding blossoms

Are equally gay.

punta fuego!

just cant wait till summer... so we went to find comfort as soon as we had the opportunity... i had no expectations whatsoever wheni heard the words punta fuego... i thought it was an ordinary resort but it turned out that it was an exclusive subdivision for rich people. oh well yeah... poor philippines rich filipinos... :) amazing huh?! oh well a poor girl from the province like me is so naive about this rich places rich people own... but geez... during the drive around the place i was really hoping to marry a prince and live in one of the castles there! it was really a haven for people who love nature and specially the beach.. plus the infinity pool was great too! so there i really had fun with nico and ate di! yeah so much for spontaneity ;P. well thank you for the wonderful time you two, especially you ate di thank you for the punta fuego trip, the time and the stories.. i love you so much... hmm.. i might not likw him... but i guess i can't do anything... you're happy... for now... and you know it:)

vivid lucidity

lucidity springs from the fountain of blur

the void that was once...

...shall never come

...shall never come

shall never come twice...

you know i CAN smile without you! :)

life has been so great to me... this year i was given the chance to redeem my grace!!! geez! after all the crap i've been through who would've thought i'd be able to live happily again... it's been a long while now since i wrote something substantial... but i dont care, it simply means that im so busy being happy, that i dont have the time to sulk and absorb the lonliness of the world. but i will always be thankful that once in my life i was able to befriend sadness... i've learned alot from her you know.

hmm... thank you to all the people who have appreciated me, like me, and loved me.i will always have a reason to smile in the morning because of you guys.to all my real friends...you give me more than a hundred reasons not to have a boyfriend yet.:) and to those who broke me heart!(in one way or another i would want to curse you,but not now..cant allow you to ruin this)so i'd just thank you for the lessons.well to the man(man?really?i heard some rumors you know...;p)well yeah to you...yey it's been a year and i've finally decided to move on and now as you and they can see i am happy now!more than when i was with you i think but don't get me wrong i WAS happy to be with you back then... to you who ever you are thank you so much for a very wonderful heart break that brought me to the stars and back. whatever it is that you want to be...hey i'd be honored to be the one to has pushed you to the edge! ;p

wait! to the guy who conquered his fears and sang to the mermaid his songs of love...even if the mermaid doesn't see you as the one who she likes to love and live with beneath the ocean waves, i'm sure she is happy to have met you... there are still alot of love and form out there...continue with the search...:) the moondance was great!

i really feel so happy and wonderful i can't help it!!!!

thank you everyone! thank you all! mwah!

Find love in anyform...if that love in that form isnt the one...go on with the journey...life is fun including the bumps and the bruises on the way!

i love life!!! :D

starfish(11/16/5) for almost 2 hours

"a fish swimming on land to be able to reach the Star"
---and i shall be myself forever and ever.

11/22/4-11/22/5

it's been a year!!!:)
yet the tales of the angel and mermaid shall never cease...cheers!

the lightness... i'm being...

I FEEL SO HIGH!!!
THE LIGHTNESS IS UNBEARABLE!!!
YET SO WONDERFUL!!!

the tale of casualan

cas'u.al.an (kash-wal-an) adj. happening by chance; carelesness; relaxed attitude; flippant attitude; negligence; lightness; lack of commitment.

he came from the blanket
of fumes that has been puffed out
from frustrated lungs and exasperated gods.
lingering taste of alcohol
hypnotized beingness.
converting it to void
a sudden escape from remembrance,
from the staggering claws of acceptance and parting

hollowness bridged him to her side
slightly slithering his way in
he wiped out memory found ob her sweat
beads of yesterday clawed in her hair
eradicated awhile by caresses
relief from a stranger,
she had always imagined--
became an appropriation
infront of her
slowly eating her
eating her

like heavy droplets of water
wet, they create a river of stories
free flowing, remembrance fresh
slightly their souls intertwine
vines and veins of stranger
acquiant hollowness
she felt a sudden hope for him to come
and to become reality
tp slap her back to life
and slowly he did
like a strom he rushed into her face
next--embracing her body
inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale
excreting sighs of pleasure
moist and fresh
slipping down with pride
she had let him in.

he became a reflection of her life
a more brutal one perhaps
their past compared
and suddenly he became god.
shattered the balance
of the princess in the cup
realization of--moments wasted,
time ignored
love uncherished.

--the princess turned into swine.

casual exchange of tales
opened her thigh, but not her mouth
just her thigh, just her thigh
widely spread--enter please.
her mouth shall remain shut
til she finds a future with him.

widely spread
he opened her scar once more
but he does not try to heal
but only to feel, to come, to feel again
the thigh, the breast
the breast, the thigh and back
as he enters the narrow cleavage
of her center
an orgasmic cry of the soul
crushing her dignity
with his body on top of her

nothing is left of him
only the memory of blood
breaking neither the heart not the vagina
only the soul
a blur now, clarity later
a sudden splurge of frustration and disappoinment
she had ruined her life once more.

illusion that she made love with God
not quite, rather
sleeping with a man
she does not know
not even names were remebered
consider adding the face
what was left of that night, that escape
was lost of worth.

unexpected stroke of words
lulling what has been asleep forever
forcing its way into what she called void
void: from the time she lived and before she died
the period of existence is what brought her oblivion
her passion for love, gave her death

no drama, only reality
the abandoned has found yet another
and again the abandoned shall do
the same and leave
the cycle of departure
slapped her back to reality perhaps sleeping with strangers
would bring her comfort then.

casualan lang--
enter and leave as you please.

A NIGHT WITH god

swaying streets and dancing stairs
amidst the crowd of strife
soulless faces of somebody and someone
filling the gap of nostalgia
he found her
as the veil of alcohol lingered

he traced the contours of her face
as he walked pass the line of remembrave and grief
charmed his way through the grey clouds
and through the dark ocean waves that embraced her

in hiding--she roamed the path of forgetting
eradicating what has been and what remained

touching the sacredness of her being
the unhealable wound bled another time.

she felt God speaking
of words she had to hear
sudden escape from lucidity
perhaps an escape from life

trembling past intertwining
the wave of regret came as a blur
uncertainty begets reason
reason offers none
the obscurity of lust overpowered by love
now she knows
---it isn't so.

just passing by....

how's the world...

how's life beyond law books and law schools and normal looking guys in tucked in polos those superficial facades... embracing the normity of the world...

emotions: sadness and fear... how long has it been til i felt calm...

how are you people of the world?

anywhere is...

Anywhere Is
Enya

I walk the maze of moments
but everywhere I turn to
begins a new beginning
but never finds a finish
I walk to the horizon
and there I find another
it all seems so surprising
and then I find that I know

Chorus:
You go there you're gone forever
I go there I'll lose my way
if we stay here we're not together
Anywhere is

The moon upon the ocean
is swept around in motion
but without ever knowing
the reason for its flowing
in motion on the ocean
the moon still keeps on moving
the waves still keep on waving
and I still keep on going

Chorus

I wonder if the stars sign
the life that is to be mine
and would they let their light shine
enough for me to follow
I look up to the heavens
but night has clouded over
no spark of constellation
no Vela no Orion
The shells upon the warm sands
have taken from their own lands
the echo of their story
but all I hear are low sounds
as pillow words are weaving
and willow waves are leaving
but should I be believing

Chorus

To leave the thread of all time
and let it make a dark line
in hopes that I can still find
the way back to the moment
I took the turn and turned to
begin a new beginning
still looking for the answer
I cannot find the finish
It's either this or that way
it's one way or the other
it should be one direction
it could be on reflection
the turn I have just taken
the turn that I was making
I might be just beginning
I might be near the end.

It's been so long...

Hi everybody! I missed this! Writing in my blog... So how are you? I've been very busy fixing my life lately. I did a lot of things that I have to real be serious at. Like yeah... lawschool. Its all new and unfamiliar and im telling you its physically and mentally scary... hahaha useless sentence... try to understand my saturated brain... I feel so small and scared to wander around and explore. I miss being free from stress... Yeah like that ever happened... Well it kinda did before... With him... Hehehe... Don't get mad at me if im still not over it ok... someday i'll be...

i miss the beach and i miss my friends. all i do now is read read and read stupid laws and evil professors! hahaha...

well was just passing by...

see you when i see you...

PART THREE: Words Misunderstood

• the love he bore this woman, with whom he had fallen in love several months befpre, was so precious to him that he tried to create an independent space for her in his life, a restricted zone of purity.

• love was not an extension of public life but its antithesis. it meant a longing to put himself at the mercy of his partner. he who gives himself up like a prisoner of war must give up his weapons as well. and deprived in advance of defense against a possible blow, he cannot help wonering when the blow will fall. ... love meant the constant expectation of a blow.

• all lovers unconsciously establish thier own rules of the game, which from the outset admit no transgression.

• a recapulation of time, a hymn to thier common past, a sentimental summary of an unsentimental story that was disappearing in the distance.

• semantic river: each time the same object would give rise to a new meaning, though all former meanings would resonate (like an echo, like a parade of echoes) together with the nre one. each new experience would sound, each time enriching the harmony.

• they failed to har the semantic susurrus of the river flowing through them.

• while people are fairly young and the musical composition of thier lives is still in its opening bars, they can go about writing it together and exchange motifs..., but if they meet when thye are older..., thier musical composition are more or less complete, and every motif, every object, every word means something different to each of them.

A SHORT DICTIONARY OF MISUNDERSTOOD WORDS

woman

• what we have not chosen we cannot consider either out merit or our failure.

• value. not every woman was worthy of being called a woman.

• he felt himself unworthy of great a love, and felt he owed hew a low bow.

fidelity and betrayal

• fidelity gave a unity to lives that would otherwise splinter into thousands of split-second impressions.

• betrayal means breaking ranks. betrayal means breaking ranks and going off into the unknown.

music

• he considered music a liberating force: it liberated him from lonliness, introversion, the dust of the library; it opened the door of his body and allowed his soul to step out into the world to make friends.

• music was like a rose blooming on a boundless snow-covered plain of silence.

• noise has one advantage. it drowns out words.

• and what he yearened for that moment, vaguely but with all his might, was unbounded music, absolute sound, a pleasant and happy all-encompassing, over-powering, window-rattling din to engulf, once and for all, the pain, the futility, the vanity of words. music was the negation of sentences, music was the anti-world!

light and darkness

• seeing is limited by two borders: strong light, which blinds, and total darkness.

• extremes mean borders beyond which life ends, and a passion for extremism, in art and in politics, is veiled longing for death.

• that darkness was pure, perfect, thoughtless, visionless; that darkness was without end, without borders; the darkness was the infinite we each carry within us.

• but the larger a man grows in his own inner darkness, the more his outer form diminishes.

• darkness did not mean infinity; for her, it meant a duisagreement with what she saw, the negation of what was seen, the refusal to see.

• she had an overwhelming desire to tell him. like the most banal of women, don't let me go, hold me tight, make me your plaything, your slave, be strong! but they were words she could not say.

A SHORT DICTIONARY OF MISUNDERSTOOD WORDS (continued)

parades

• the idea of such a life made him feel suffocated. he yearned to step out of his life the way one steps out of a house into the street.

• it was as though she had found refuge inside a shell and the only sound she could hear was the sea of an inimical world.

• it's unintentional. it arose independent of human design, like a stalagmatic cavern. forms which are in themsleves wuite ugly turn up fortuitously, wothout design, in such incredible surroundings that they sparkle with a sudden wondrous poetry.

• before beauty disappears entirely from the earth, it will go on existing for a while by mistake. beauty by mistake---the final phase in the history of beauty.

• a children's ball, because the dead are as innocent as children. no matter how brutal life becomes peace always reigns in the cemetery.

• an object was ugly if she willed it ugly, beautiful if she willed it beautiful.

A SHORT DICTIONARY OF MISUNDERSTOOD WORDS (concluded)

the old church in amsterdam

• beauty is a world betrayed. the only way we can encounter it is if its persecutors have overlooked it somewhere. beauty hides behind the scenes... if we want to find it, we must demolish the scenery.

• love means renouncing strength,

• the moment somone keeps an eye on what we do, we involuntarily make allowances for that eye, and nothing we do is truthful. having a public, keeping a public in mind, means living in lies.

• living in truth meant breaking down the barriers between the private and the public.

• felt the strange incomprehensible ecstacy that void had evoked in him.

• everyone would follow the process from a greater or lesser distance, and she would be forced to playact before them all;

• the time she had wanted to go down on her knees before him and beg him to hold her, squeeze her, never let her go. she had longed to come to the end of the dangerous road of betrayals. she had longed to call a halt of it all.

• they could walk along silence without hearing their silence.

• what was important was the golden foorprint, the magic foorprint she had left on his life and no one could ever remove.

• he had always preferred the unreal to the real.

• invisible goddess... whose love he constantly feared losing.

• love is a battle. and i plan to go on fighting.

• love is a battle? well, i don't feel at all like fighting.

• when we wnat to give expression to a dramatic situation in our lives, we tend to use metaphors of heaviness. we say that something has become a great burden to us. we either bear the burden or fail and go down with it, we struggle with it, win or lose.

• her drama was a drama not of heaviness but of lightness. what fell to her lot was not the burden but the unbearable lightness of being.

• the goals we pursue are always veiled.

• the cemetery was vanity tranmogrified into stone.

• when graves are covered with stones, the dead can no longer get out.

• a gulf of misunderstanding had immediately opened between them.

• she was sorry to have been so impatient with him. perhaps if they had stayed together longer, Sabina and Franz would have begun to understand the words they used. gradually, timorously, thier vocabularies would have come together, like bashful lovers, and the music of one would have begun to intersect with the music of the other. but it was too late now.

• move on, and on again, beacuse were she had to die here thye would cover her up with a stone, and in the mind of a woman for whom no place is home the thought of an end to all flight is unbearable.
  

PART TWO: Soul and Body

• but when we ignore the body, we are more easily victimized by it.

• necessity knows no magic formulae---they are all left to chance. if love is to be unforgettable, fortuities must immediately start fluttering down to it like birds to Francis of Assissi's shoulders.

• without realizing it, the individual composes his life according to the laws of beauty even in times of greatest distress.

• dreaming is not merely an act of communication; it is also an aesthetic activity, a game of the imagination, a game that is a value in itself. our dreams prove that to imagine---to dream about things that have not happened---among mankind's deepest needs.

• vertigo is something other than the fear of failing. it is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.

• they exposed her powerlessness, which in turn led to vertigo, the insuperable longing to fall.

• she was in the grip of an insuperable longing to fall. she lived in constant state of vertigo.

• on the surface, an intelligible lie; underneath, the unintelligible truth.

• what do you want me to do? i want you to be old. ten years older. twenty years older! what she meant was: i want you to be weak. as weak as i am.

• she was dependent on him for everything. what would happen to her here if he abandoned her? would she have to live her whole life in fear of losing him?

• in spite of thier love, they had made each other's life a hell. the fact that they loved each other was merely proof that the fault lay not in themselves, in thier behavior or inconstancy of feeling, but rather in their incompatibility: he was strong and she was weak.

• but when the strong were too weak to hurt the weak, the weak should be strong enough to leave.

• we might also call vertigo the intoxication of the weak. aware of his weakness, a man decides to give in rather than stand up to it. he is drunk with weakness, wishes to grow even weaker, wishes to fall down in the middle of the main square in front of everybody, wishes to be down, lower than down.

• she made no response. she could not tell him that she had been waiting for him.

• her first thought was that he had come back becuase of her; because of her, he had changed his destiny. now he would no longer be responsible for her; now she was responsible for him.

• it was not superstition, it was a sense of beauty that cured her of her depression and imbued her with a new will to live.
  

• 
  

The Unbearable Lightness of Being By: Milan Kundera PART ONE: Lightness and Weight

• everything recurs as we once experienced it, and that the recurrence itself recurs ad infinitum!
• nonexistence of return, for in this world everything is pardoned in advance and therefore everything cynically permitted.
  
• in the world of eternal return the weight of unbearable responsibility lies heavy on every move we make.
  
• the heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.
  
• we can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.
  
• if we have only one life to live, we might as well not have lived at all.
  
• metaphors are dangerous. metaphors are not to be lifted with. a single metaphor can give birth to love.
  
• in his arms she would fall asleep no matter how wrought up she might have been.
  
• making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman).
  
• "compassion" generally inspires suspicion; it designates what is considered an inferior, second-rate sentiment that has little to do with love. to love someone out of compassion means not really to love.
  
• to have compassion (co-feeling) means not only to be able to live with the other's misfortune but also to feel with him any emotion -- joy, anxiety, happiness, pain.
  
• maximal capacity of affective imagination, the art of emotional telepathy. in the hierarchy of sentiments, then, it is supreme.
  
• a person who longs to leave the place where he lives is an unhappy person.
  those years were more attractive in retrospect than they were when he was living them.
  
• for there is nothing heavier than compassion. not even one's own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, for someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes.
  
• necessity, weight, and value are three concepts inextricably bound: only necessity is heavy, and only what is heavy has value.
  
• we believe that the greatness of man stems from the fact that he bears his fate as Atlas bore the heavens on his shoulders. beethoven's hero is a lifter of metaphysical weights.
  
• we all reject out of hand the idea that the love of our life may be something light or weightless; we presume our love is what must be, that without it our life would no longer be the same;
  

finally a poem for me...

Mi Amor

I know a girl
Who held the stars in her hand
Grasping eternity
and holding on to her salvation.
She stumbled and fell flat on her face
She stumbled once and hit rock bottom.


I know a girl
Who lived under the shallow waters
of her profound insanity
She kept every memory to herself
and to the angel she whispered.
She stumbled twice
and wept with tears, never ending.


I know a girl
Who grew her hair along with her patience
She danced with strangers,
and I envied her everytime she left.
She stumbled once more,
thrice and still counting
never getting up and never forgetting.


So much for the girl I once knew.

just a thought

I am again savoring solitude in my little abode that I have decorated with shells of all sorts to make me feel at home. An ambiance of the sea I have brought back from where I have traveled once, where I was comforted by a shower of stars, a roof decorated with diamonds as clear as the past and as bright as the future, a place where I was able to rest and reflect about certain things.

Today I seek to be free, not of the memories of him who should not be named but be free from yearning to be near him, once again. I have realized that through my loss I have learned so much, and counting, and I can’t help but be grateful to him despite the fact that he had hurt me a lot.

Today I want to breed hate for him, I want to blame him for everything he had destroyed in my life, but then again I can not help but thank him still for if not for him I wouldn’t have realized certain things that I disregarded for the past few years of my existence. Because of him I was able to find my way back to my true Home, my family and friends who are always there, ready to shelter me, comfort me and love me. And yes I am a bit bitter about certain things but I am hoping that that bitterness would soon cease to exist.

Today I have realized how much I have loved him, I gave everything to him just to make him happy, but it wasn’t enough for him, he wanted more, so I set him free. It hurt a lot, even now I can still feel the piercing effect of that heartache, but no, I know I should move on, enter a new phase in my life, live life the way God planned it.

Sometimes I can’t help but think, and see things in retrospect and wonder if he really loved me, cause if he really did, why was he over me in just a snap. That is the big question I want to ask him, if he ever really loved me. But I guess some questions would be left unanswered, until the time is right I should have my answers, but for now all I should do is try to do well in everything that is given to me. My family is expecting so much for me and I should not disappoint them, they have given me so much and it is about time that I should repay old debts. And I am very much confident that everything is going to be fine as long as I put my trust in God.

Until the time is right I shall fine the answers to my questions but for now I shall let you be, enjoy your life and I shall enjoy mine. In time we will see each other again, we will be two different persons by then, and I am hoping that by that time I could master the courage to tell you that I have loved you so much, and thank you for being a part of my life, and tell you how happy I am with my life without you.

Now I am looking forward to a life without you, a life with no traces of the heartache you have given me, but if it is to much to ask to erase you even for a while in my life I will reduce it into wishing that I may live my life free from bitterness and hate for you.

my random nothings

and i need to write again...

its summer and i am obessessed with shells, of course with clothes (ukay finds) and tea. but you know i was just wondering why do i always have an obssession with something, i dont know why, maybe its what keeps me sane, its what makes me hold on to this world, cheap thrills and simple joys, but i have realized they are not that small, every piece i keep are little pebbles of memory i so wanna hold on to...

moving on ... in the real sense of the word, when's this gonna happen, i think i am ready now... i think i am finally allowing my self to do so... oh dear God, Divine Mercy i trust in you, let your will be done, and i shallobey, if letting him be will make me happy, please grant me the courage and grace to do so...

oh... such random thoughts running through my brain...

and i am wondering... when will i ever stop thinking... ever thought of that?

i shall write and paint again... :)

release, release, release...

today is a new day for me... i want to hate pom for not caring and not giving a damn about all the memories we've shared, i was hoping he atleast grieved for our broken relationship, but it seemed like he didn't... so what the hell for now i shall start hating him, i should know better by now, so i am hoping that in time i woulld be able to forget and forgive him... but not right now... it will take time... in my own time...

anyway i have been through a lot of stress lately and to all those who know my current problem thanking you for bearing with me, thank you for being my support group, you have been my sourece of stregnth... thank you antz for the wonderful trip to puerto galera, sleeping on the shore because the entire island was fully booked, thank you so much for making me happy, for letting me rest, you know i needed that, thank you so much.

to my amma and mommy, thank you so much for understanding my shortcomings, i know in some way or another i have disappointed you, and i am sorry, thank you for making me smile even if it was the hardest thing to do, thank you for the wonderful shell, now i have a mermaid sanctuary on the 5th floor.

oh before i forget... these are all random thoughts... unorganized but who cares these are all the memories i want to write down. when we were at puerto and antz was sleeping cause she felt dizy after drinking a bottle of beer i decided to lie down on the beach, feel the cool breeze of the night and the wonderful stars... oh that black velvet roof with diamond studs all over, what a wonderful sight, i felt happy and relaxed... and i saw 8 FALLING STARS! and i know i could not ask for more.

the divine mercy was what kept me sane and alive. thank you! i do trust in You.

i know i am not making sense anymore, but you know i really don't care anymore, and i still want to continue hating pom, i think somehow he desreves it... you know pom, i'll see you after 10-12 years, i hope by that time i'd be fully happy with myself, and i wont be to dependent on you as my source of happiness... finally over you... and HOME shall be mine and mine alone...

memories revisited
mirrored in my little teacup
i started to drink tea again, you know?
wishing to wash you away
to flash you
down the toilet bowl of my memory lane
together with all the unnecessary crap
i have kept as baggages

now i have to release
now i have to release
release
release
release

you will go down the smelly dark road
of longing and loneliness

feeling all fucked up
the way you felt when i asked you
if you still loved me

that same old feeling you felt
you big piece of crap!
its ok you big waste of time!
SHIT HAPPENS, remember!

breaking the broken

The heart beating like a thousand raindrops
On top of the suburban roof
Restless struggle
Like a running sea current
Never ceasing yet tired and sorrowful
An agony unbearable
With its weight suffocating you
Consuming you
Like the first heartache you had
It drains you
Catches up and never leaves you
Like cancer maybe
Slowly killing you
Shame:
Disappointment is one thing I could not handle
Breaking broken hearts

I'M TWENTEEN! happy birthday to me!

In a couple of hours I would be shedding out my old fins in exchange for new ones, hoping it would bring me to farther places, stronger so it can help me push my self above and see the sun shine eternally on me.

Right in a couple of hours I would finally leave the wee years of being a teenager, I can say that I am no longer afraid of growing old, I am a bit excited for I know that this will be another start of the year for me, where I can make renovations and innovations, change and maintain, or even improve on certain attitudes and goals.

19, this year has been a bang for me; I can say that this would be one of the most unforgettable year of my life. So many things have happened, which made me weak and strong at the same time, a process and a stage of growing, I have done a lot of mistakes this year, hurt and loved so many people too. And I am glad to say that despite the wrong decisions I have done I am happy that I was able to face all the consequences and I believe I am a stronger lady now. I am happy that somehow despite all the longing and yearning, the hurting and the breaking, the agony of prolonging all would be well in the end. That everything’s gonna be fine in the end, for is it not that sometimes all we need is to hear this phrase to draw strength from, and so I am telling you, people of the world, everything’s gonna be fine… just trust and believe that the will of the Lord is the one guiding you.

God made a special plan for all of us, I know this is such a cliché but you know as I see it in retrospect it is indeed all incorporated with the will of God. We are all connected in this circle that will never end, in which God made it possible that through this life we will be able to learn our lessons in life be it the hard or the easy way. And I have realized how important God is into our lives, when you no longer know where to hide from the cruelties of the world do not be afraid, seek protection from His glory and he will grant you the peace that you need. I have realized that prayer is such a wonderful gift, it can calm your soul and it brigs you closer to God, it humbles you down and it comforts you. The silence that you experience during prayer is the best conversation you can ever have, a conversation with God. And so I wanna thank the Lord for being with me through all the hardships and challenges I had gone through this year.

I wanna say thank you to the following people:

First of all I wanna thank my Dad for everything he has done for us, thank you pa for the talent and the gift of art, it is what kept me sane for the entire year, thank you for leaving a piece of your soul inside my heart. Thank you for being a good provider and thank you for the inspiration and the strength I have drawn from you, for all the prayers and especially for the love, you will forever be in my heart. I will constantly feel your presence around me because of the gentle breeze I have asked you to grant me. I love you so much.

To my family first to my mother for being strong despite you losing your partner in life, you are a strong and wonderful woman I hope to imitate you, be as graceful and dignified as you are. I love you so much; sorry for all the disappointments I have given you. To Ate Lorie I hope to see you soon, thank you for being the coolest sister ever! To Kuya Apollo, for the tears we have shared, it has made us both stronger you know. To Kuya Allan, for EVERYTHING. To Ate Alma for the strength and the shoulder to cry on, also for everything, you have been my second mother.

To my friends, to the Philo People specially Father, Cindy, Nico, Berna and Ning for the constant support in everything I have done in our college life, thank you and Kudos to all of us! Of course to Changing, to all the crazy nights with you guys! Never a dull moment! I love you! To the bluerep people I have learned to love and support, hope top see you guys soon, cause I really really miss you all. To all the UST people I have exchanged his and hellos, small talk or big talk, to Ricci, to Sir Ralph, thank you for the love and the life, I had so much fun, to Sir Reyes thank you for the love and the honor to be called your daughter, you have been my second dad, I love you. To the angel in silence, do I need to say more?! I love you so much, thank you for the silence, the small space we share here on earth, thank you for being brave enough to reveal yourself to me, I do not regret ever knowing you! I hope you know that. Thank you to all of you… to those I have failed to mention, you can scold me anytime, I love you!

Lastly I wanna thank Pom for bringing joy into my life, I hope I have assured you enough of how much I love and care for you. Thank you for all the firsts and the lasts. Thank you for loving me. Home shall be ours soon.

reality and fantasy

between reality and fantasy lies the mystery that would either take you down the road of unending bliss or under the world of sorrow. the gray line in between is the only source of hope.

patungo sa mga perlas

lumusong ka sa karagatan ng buhay, lumangoy kasabay ng alon, sumisid... pailalim ng pailalim hanggang sa marating ang mga perlas sa pusod ng dagat...

kulay ng buhay

i wanna paint again, and picture the world with vibrant colors. to immortalize and capture its grandest gifts. soon i will be able to paint down my happiness again... soon!

you

crap... i tried to write down my random thoughts then bam! the stupid computer erased it. anyway i'll give it another try...

i am in the brink of giving up hope. i thought i have grown into a butterfly but i was wrong i am still this ugly worm crawling in the dark. yes i kept on telling myself and the world that i know now how to find love in any from, but i guess i was wrong, for if i did why do i still feel this much hurt, torture and more tears flowing. i don't know... maybe i still don't know the real me... i thought i know myself but i guess i was blinded by so many things. growing up is a very long and painful process, unending even. all of us will continue to grow and feel pain through this journey, what a sad world isn't it. they say that the pain you are encountering while growing will help you become strong in the end, what a lie! look at me! i am still that smalle fragile child who sleeps at night wet with tears, salt surrounding her bed as she clutches and flods herself like an abandoned fetus at night.

i thought i did but i was wrong. i thought i was the goddess and the queen, the center of my universe, but no, i am not. i am but a simple human being trying to find a tiny space for me to be able to rest on, a slave serving her master and forgetting herself. i am still a slave of love and of him.

you who i thought taught me how to love and to be patient, i am in the brink of giving up on you. a little more push and i will break, i will finally set you and my self free. you who i thought taught me that waiting is a gift, but now i realize that its not, waiting is not a gift but a curse. waiting is the one torturing me everynight, who puts me into bed with tears in my eyes and leaving me still with a heavy heart. you who i thought taught me that waiting is living, you are wrong wiating is dying, dying every single moment. you who i want to hate but i just cant.

you my love, you will forver be in my heart but i am hoping in time i can finally move on and start living again, free from your shadow. free from the curse of waiting free from you.

anniversary

i wrote him a letter...

hello! happy anniversary. i love you.

you know what i have so many stories to tell you. amzing ones that up until now never ceases to make me wonder how the world can bring you so many surprises.

you know what after several days of loving you in silence i have learned that through that sacrifice i have learned so much, about you and how much you have loved me, about my self on how mush i have loved you and have grown so much because of you. and about the world, that love can be in any form.

i miss talking to you. i miss the way you make me laugh and you make me smile. i miss everything about you. and most especially i miss us.

i wonder how you are right now. i hope you are doing fine. i love you! until we meet again...

to the loud-mouthed angel in silence

no recent posts from me lately, you know why? because after months of hurting and dying i am laughing and living again. the angel who loved me in silence was able to show me how good it is to love again, and i want to thank her for that.

i want to thank her for making me strong again, for making me laugh and live again and for making me the source of her strength and authenticity.

life has been so good to me, during my darkest days God gave me an angel to shed some light into my world. now i am able to appreciate little and big miracles that i encounter everyday. i have learned to be positive, and i have learned that loving in silence is something good after all. i have grown so much angel. thank you for helping me.

i will always think of you when i look at the stars and when i see butterflies around. i will always be here to listen and to love you.

no matter what they say they cannot separate us, for we are twin souls, we are soulsisters. FOREVER.

patchy

After reading sheets of happy thoughts I ended up being envious. Then questions just came rushing through. Why are they happy? Why am I alone? Is it really over since the day we broke up… but then why did you say there’s still SUMDAY?

I just came in passing my friends house when I saw you, didn’t expect that you’d be the biggest part of my life. You were the one who brought color and life into my once dark being.

You have washed away the bitterness I was nurturing inside and out of my heart. I have learned to care for someone other than myself, for the first time I wasn’t the center of the universe, for the first time it was somebody else, and that somebody else was you. You taught me so many things; you aren’t aware, but yeah you did. So much that even if I want to hate you I can’t, I am grateful still.

But it ended so soon. Like all love will. I feel like I still have so many things to share to you, so many love to give you. But now it’s all over, like what you said.

Random thoughts… but I cannot write anymore, I cannot end what I have started, it is too painful to think about him again. Remembering that I no longer have him kills me over and over. The realization of the end is suffocating me. And now I will just end it with no closure just (...)

massacre

Repressing is a subtle cry for suicide.

Collecting emotions and confining it down in that little corner in your heart, hiding what should be said out loud will slowly poison you. Silently your body weakens, your emotions gaining strength that would later on lead you to the dark side of life; Death.

Expressing is a blatant cry for suicide.

Sharing grief and yearning you are killing yourself again and again after unfolding the broken pieces of your heart, the same people you love, the sadness of each piece leaves a mark to those people who love you and is hurting more because you are hurt.

Both a terrible massacre, isn’t it?

tonight i shall breathe

Tonight after breathing in silence I shall speak again. I shall express everything again or else I will die. I will not repress the sadness, the hurt and the love I am feeling. There is so much to show to the world, so much life to share, so much love, and so many people to inspire, and so many people I shall care about. Today I shall breathe again.

Tonight I will no longer wish to be heard, I need not care if it doesn’t reach him, all I want to do now is to touch other people’s lives through the gifts I have, to somehow make a difference through my words.

Tonight I will write again to immortalize the days and the moments I have lived life. I have loved life.

I am again drowning in sorrow, feeling trapped into a jar slowly the sands of time as gray as the sky fill up the empty void suffocating me. I feel my heart being held in a palm, slowly the grip grows tighter and tighter until the blood gushes out through my eyes. I toss and turn to breathe but the grasp is strong, like a greedy animal enveloping me. Eating me up, and I struggle to survive. But all the efforts to live drained me until I stopped. Frozen. I stare at nothingness, the feeling of abandonment suddenly touches my soul as cold as the frozen river in his heart; I die over and over again.

Reverberating moments of bliss and sorrow gush through my shore, leaving salty memoirs. Death revisiting. History becomes today, yesterday becomes tomorrow. Tomorrow disappears. Stranded, everything stops the pain vivifies, marring your weak body, bones become ashes and fire becomes water, and you drift, smitten by the torture of your own heart beat broken down to pieces. Like a broken mirror your pain duplicated.

Revisited long forgotten feelings mirrored in my eyes. Two balls of gloss shedding pebbles of despair creating an altar of rock. Cold and stiff, I have become numb and stiff once again.

Tonight I shall speak of my undying love and devotion to the man who taught me to live and have showed me that we ca Find Love in Any Form. But today I am trying to move on further, to love a level higher, to learn what unconditional love really is. Loving from far away, hoping, waiting yet holding peace to grant your one true love the space to find his authenticity. Love, be it unrequited but not saying a word, only, loving still. Not hurting from waiting, just living in loving while waiting.

Tonight I shall try to control myself from suffocating my one true love, loving unselfishly. Just hoping for the best, hoping that the space I have given him will provide him the pathway back Home to Me.

3:57 am
1/4/5

epitome of patience

Today I am suffering from nostalgia; I have this powerful desire to reconquer everything that I have possessed long before space and time took it away from me. My mind has traveled long distances, to the moon, the stars, the dark blanket of clouds, down the soft warm earth, with trees of such wisdom where the epitome of patience is marked on its branches, each wrinkled bark, with a story, with a mystery, with a life.

My mind never ceases to journey through paths of long forgotten tales; it walks through the pathway of forgotten liaisons. Each pebble of time I am hoping to reach the man I freed from my greedy grasps not so long ago.

I am enveloped with fear, dreading the moment when I would loose my grip into this unknown, a battle of hearts and shadows, and a masquerade of bony sorrows. A picture so vague, threatening to disappear any second now.

That is what I am feeling right now. I dread remembering, and I fear forgetting (you), forgetting the one true thing that brought me to Love.

12/23/4
8:05pm

the day before I broke my heart, the day before I decided to stop writing.

connecting connection

hello jepoy,

wow didnt expect a comment from you. actually wasnt expecting anybody to hear my scream in silence. thank you for giving me a piece of your mind. it kinda lifted my soul, actually it made me smile. thank you once again.

as i type down this words i am shaking, i feel cold, i dont know why, maybe because i am again connecting, connecting to him through you.

last dec 23, i sent him a message, he replied telling me to stop waiting, mahirap na raw umasa. so i asked him if he still loves me and now that he's making me stop does that mean that its over between us, he said he doesnt know hes "fucked up" then he said its been over since the day we broke up and that he just told me to wait because he knows that SUMDAY(all caps, copied from his text message)hell come back.

so after shedding galons of tears i have realized that maybe i should really be invisible in his life for a while, and give him the space he wants for him to be able to grow.

it really really hurts, its not just an ordinary hurt, its a soul hurt. i have been miserable since the day we broke up, but i am trying to live for the people who loves me those who nver gave up on me, i think i owe my life to them.

i am trying to be better each day, trying to find Love in Any Form.

after that conversation with him, i decided to stop writting for a while, for if i write it will only make me want him more. it will not stop me from yearning. i have decided to love him from far away and in silence, i will forever pray for him, i will ask God to grant him the privilage to find his authentic self.

thank you jepoy for hearing my scream in silence. i really really appreciate your concern. thank you.

God has answered my prayers, now anj is really happy, she deserves it, she deserves to be loved by a person as good a you are. the both of you will always be in my prayers.sorry if i took this opprtunity to rant...

sorry i made you read this long letter... i just had to release... thank you again.

God Bless You

much love from the mermaid under the dark ocaen waves...