Ynna Teecha's Infinite Possibilities

nagpasa ng note

2007-02-22T19:29:00.001+02:00

kanina sa translation make up class nakikinig kami sa nagrereport, tapos bigla akong na OC kasi yung chair ko natanggalan ng plastic so ang ginawa ko pinalitan ko ng ibang chair... tapos pagtingin ko yung ipinalit ko mas malala pa pala! argh! anyway nalaglag yung fuchsia kong mechanical pencil tapos inabot ni burns sa akin. tapos biglang eto nakita ko siyang may sinusulat sa scratch paper at ipinapasa kay benjie, syempre si pakialamera inabot kay benjie tapos nakibasa rin at ang sabi:

kelangan ba
color coding
lage?
BAKIT HINDI?!
:P
pwede naman
hehehe

*di talaga bat yung drawing kaya lang wala kasi dito basta mukha ata ng cat o dog yun o basta yun.

yan yung naging conversation wala lang pacute lang hehehe... kasi nga naman tumerno pa yung damit at sandals sa lapis ko... hehehe... ayun pampasaya ng araw... malungkot kasi today.

last day kasi nung student ko na si alex at yung sister niyang si sandy tapos hinatid ko sila sa elevator na pigil na pigil yung iyak, tapos kita ko bago mag sara yung elevator paiyak na si sandy kaya nung tuluyan ng nagsara hinayaan ko ng pumatak ang luha ko... hay buhay wala namang katapusang pamamaalam... sabi nga ni isaac "i think that the meeting is very precious because the parting is so difficult." oo ganun na nga yun... hay buhay... at marami pang ibang darating at lilisan... bad trip noh?! pero ayos lang nakakatouch nagemail ako kanina pagdating ko sa bahay at sumagot naman agad si alex, eh sa kultura nila hindi naman uso ang pakashwal na i love you kaya hindi ako nag i love you sa kanya pigil na pigil kasi baka hindi mainitindihan nung bata tapos ayun wala lang nakakatuwa na siya pa yung naunang nag i love you. kakatouch talaga...

lea/iving

2007-02-19T19:28:00.000+02:00

hay buhay... sabi nila lahat ng dumarating umaalis rin, it will end soon like all love will nga daw... how can you find love in any form kung lahat naman nga ng na "find" mo mag eend din?

ang tanung lang... anung saysay ng lahat kung matatapos rin lang?

sabi nila hindi raw ako masyadong nagpapahalaga... bakit pa kung wala rin naman matitira sa akin in the end diba? parang pipiliin ko nalang maging safe... marami ng nangyari leaving and parting and dying too... dba?! ano pang saysay ng lahat... ng pagpapahalaga at pagmamahal...

para saan pa talaga kung matatapos rin lang lahat.

pwede na uli!

2007-02-16T19:28:00.000+02:00

yebah!!! may fone na ako uli pagkatapos nung ilang linggong pagkawala sa mundo ng cellphone at text messages, at mga events at make up classes na hindi ko alam dahil sa wala nga akong cellphone. gamit ko yung luma kong number. pasensya na globe at wala akong panahong mag bayad ng bill. hehehe eto po ang number ko kung namiss nio ako dito nio ako itext. 09165973066

in all fairness sa araw ng mga puso ha...

2007-02-14T19:27:00.000+02:00

in fairness talaga sa araw ng mga puso ha! napasaya ako... wala lang never naman kasi akong nakatanggap ng mga kasweetan sa araw na yan bukod sa mga bulaklak na galing kay anyatot which by the way hanggng internet nalang pero sweet parin at thank you parin hehehe... ayun na nga wala lang yung student ko na 50 years old sa morning ang saya biglang nagabot ng chocolate na parang sabi nia today is valentines day so here... parang ay shet sir thank you na touch talaga ako... ayun na nga tapos yung mga mukang sanggano na mga bagong students shet ang sweet lang kasi lahat binigyan nila ng chocolate, tapos ayun na nga alam nio ba na yung isa pa dun talagang inasa isa nyang balutin yung mga chocolate tapos nilagay sa isang bag. ayun tapos kahit hindi ko mga students nag bigay rin... nakakatuwa talaga. tapos nag indulge ako magisa sa coffe bean, na pasta and herb linguine ako tapos moroccan mint tea latte wala lang masaya lang, at pasensia na ann nakalimutan kong may lunch date pala dapat.. tapos uminom kami ni ann nag order ako ng beer isa lang talaga dapt tapos naisip namin na mag margarita so cge go... tapos nakita pa kami ni isaac at ni tom pero umuwi sila ng mas maaga... ayun anyway nung bayaran na hahaha panalo! 38 pesos lang binayaran ko kasi margarita night pala hahahaha! ayun wala lang masaya lang... pero hay ewan kong nagfifeeling pero sabi ni ann hindi na raw eh... hindi na nagfifeeling parang totoo na raw... hay may gusto sa akin student ko.... basta ayun ewan... nakakailang na pero ayaw ko naman ma hurt sia kasi sobrang bait nia na dapat d ko sia i hurt... hay... pero ayun basta masaya ang valentine's day ko ngaun!!!! sana kayo rin...

carnations and a butt!

2007-02-13T18:55:00.000+02:00

" It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Ynna was both." - Charlotte's Web

Go watch and grab a copy of the book, na! Perfect love day movie =) HAPPY VALENTINES!

I LOVE YOU dearest sister!

- antz

cguro nga

2007-02-10T19:26:00.001+02:00

joy_anya: it took me a while to realize i cant make you see that or realize that..just by even saying it or kahit ilang beses pa tayo magaway
joy_anya: yung mga mahal ka talaga di kanaman matitiis eh.. hindi nila kayang pilitin hindi ka mahalin eh
joy_anya: ikaw gumuho man ang mundo ilang beses mo man silang hindi pansinin alam mo pagkinailangan mo sila andyan pa rin
joy_anya: sa mga fleeting friendships mo or hindi yung mga hindi masyado important..mas napapahalagahan mo pero paghindi kanaman ok navavalue mo pa rin yun mga nagmamahal sa yo
joy_anya: so i think mahal ka din nila that way

para kay willy boy

2007-02-10T19:26:00.000+02:00

aalis ka na pero gusto ko langmalaman mo na mahal din kita. at alam ko rin kung gaano mo ako kamahal at sobra akong nagpapasalamat doon kung alam mo lang. pasensia na hindi ko gaano maipakita kung gaano rin kita kamahal. mamimiss kita pag wala ka na. ewan sobra lang cguro kasi akong secured sa love mo na parang feling mo tuloy natitiis kita. alam ko lang kasi na mas mahal mo ako kesa sa mahal nila ako kaya cguro ganun. hay... malungkot at kailangan nanaman akong lisanin. pero ayos lang mahal parin naman natin ang isa'tisa. sana maging sapat na iyon. i love you willy boy! sana mabasa mo to! :)
sana sa iyong paglisan eh daladala mo ang pagmamahal ko at ang karampot na alaala natin dalawa. magiingat ka doon. at sana patuloy mo parin akong mahalin. :)

babalikan

2007-02-10T19:25:00.000+02:00

people come and go...
minsan mahirap talagang pigilin kung napamahal na sayo... ang hirap ng bumitiw... pero cguro ganun talaga kelangang may lumisan minsan para may roon ring babalikan...

today

2007-02-09T19:25:00.000+02:00

you are the one who inflicts pain and shame unto yourself...

sa translation

2007-02-09T19:24:00.000+02:00

ang baba ng level of vocabulary ko sa filipino! hindi pang MA pang elementary! kaya ngayon mag sisikap na akong mag salita ng direchong filipino!!!

wala

2007-02-09T19:23:00.000+02:00

wala akong fone kasi sira! shet na yan! tapos nag lasing pa ako kagabi at ngayon ko palang uumpusahan pagnilaynilayan at isa isahin ang mga detalye ng nobela ko!!! shet pano na! ginagawa ko namang parang college lang ang MA shet!!! argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tamang blanko

2007-01-30T19:23:00.000+02:00

pagod ako... pero ewan kung pisikal o kung ano man... wala... cguro hindi talaga ako pagod nag papagod paguran lang... blanko... blanko ang mundo... malungkot? hindi rin... tamang blanko lang talaga... kuntento? hindi rin... tamang blanko lang talaga... tama na titigilan ko na... pakiramdaman niyo nalang ang kablankohan...

carrots

2007-01-25T19:22:00.000+02:00

hay syempre nung inuman hindi ako kumain kasi nga puro meat lang hmm... biglang may dumating na carrots (inorder talaga nia yun for me) hay!!! tapos iniwan kami ng mga classmates namin.. ang cheap lang ang saya! tapos inikot namin ang ust para kunin sasakyan nia para umikot uli at ihatid ako sa bahay! diba ang cute shet... may future kaya ako dito?!?!?! hehehehe

lychee black tea

2007-01-12T22:32:00.001+02:00

umiinom ako ng isang tasang lychee black tea nitong umaga...

(ang init ng tasa sa aking palad...
ang pait na dulot sa aking dila...
ang alaala ng nagdaang hindi kalayuan...)

at nadala ako nito sa malayong kamalayan... pabalik sa matagal ng panahong nagdaan kung saan kayang maging gabi ang isang buong araw... kung saan mas mahaba ang pagmumuni muni kesa pagkabuhay... sa malayong mundong ito ko nakilala ang sari-saring kwago... narinig ang sari-saring kwento... naranasan ang sari-saring anyo ng pagkabuhay...

(lagok lang ng lagok, hanggang diway di na mag antok...)*
at sa pagkaubos ko'y unti-unti naring bumalik sa ngayong kamalayan... ngayong pagkabuhay... malayo na sa mga kwago... malayo na... malayo na..

*salamat si hiram na salita sir mike

mga linya para sau taba (galing sa multiply ni carla)

2007-01-12T20:39:00.000+02:00

"Ayoko ng tinatapakan ako, ayoko ng masikip,
ayoko ng mabaho, ayoko ng walang tubig, ayoko ng walang pagkain,
ayoko ng putik."
- Maricel Soriano in Kaya Kong Abutin Ang Langit

"Jun-jun! Jun-jun!"
- Paano Ba Ang Mangarap (Vilma Santos)

"Wala akong minahal at siguro wala na akong
mamahalin pa tulad ng pagmamahal na ibinigay ko sa'yo."
- Aga Mulach in Sana Maulit Muli

"Mahal mo ba ako, dahil kailangan mo ako o
kailangan mo ako kaya mahal mo ako"
- Claudine Baretto in Milan

Maricel S. : Wag kang maka-arte arte na 'kala mo kung sino ka dahil SAMPID KA LANG DITO!
Lorna T. : Bakit..pareho lang naman tayo ah...PINULOT LANG SA LUPAH! (sabay silang nagtulakan sa pool)
- Dinampot Ka Lang Sa Putik

"Ang hirap kasi sayo una kang ipinanganak"
"Ang hirap kasi sayo huli ka na ng ipanganak"
- Sharon & FPJ in Kahit Konting Pagtingin

"Si Val, si Val si Val, lagi na lang si Val, si Val na walang malay,
si Val na walang kasalanan...wala na ba kayong awa?!"
- Vilma Santos in Saan Nagtatago ang Pag-Ibig

"Para kang karinderyang bukas sa lahat ng gustong kumain...."
- Vilma Santos to Dina Bonevie in Palimos ng Pag-Ibig

Lola,hindi ba po siya nalilito?
- Shaina Magdayao in Tanging Yaman

Salbahe ka!Cake ko yan!Cake lang yan!
-Gloria Romero in Tanging Yaman

Hindi, hindi na mahalaga sa akin ang pagpa-pasexy,
hindi ko naman mapagkakakitaan yun eh!
- Sharon Cuneta in Kung Ako Na Lang Sana

You can just stop being proud of me!
- Vilma Santos in Dekada 70

Mukha kang pagod na tonsil!
- Jolina Magdangal in Kung Ikaw Ay Isang Panaginip

Lahat ng ibinibigay ko sa kanila ibinibigay ko rin sa 'yo...
lahat, lahat, lahat, lahat!
- Claudine Baretto in Milan

Sino ka, anak ng araw?
- Blakdyak in Asin at Paminta

Anak ka ng tatay mong hindi nag huhugas ng pwuet!
Wala akong tiwala sa'yo kasi ang kaluluwa mo sing itim ng balat mo!
- Eddie Garcia in Asin at Paminta

Bakit ganyan ang hitsura mo?
- mga diwata sa ilog majayjay

"Bakit ang ama, makapag-trabaho lang sya at maibigay ang pangangailangan ng anak mabuti na sa paningin ng iba?!... pero bakit ang ina ginawa mo ng lahat... nagpakapagod ka, masama parin sa paningin ng iba?!"
"Bakit walang nagsabi sakin na parang tubig ang pera d2?"
"Sana sa bawat paghithit mo ng sigarilyo, naisip mo sana kung ilang pagkain ang tiniis kong di kainin para lang makapagpadala ng malaking pera d2!"
- Vilma Santos in Anak

I LAB YU ATE VI! WINNER!

++
teka, di pa pala to tapos...may mga naaalala pa ko. eto kase epekto ng pagkakanuod ko ng 8 in 1 na pelikulang tagalog nila ate shawie, ate guy, at ate vi.
at minsan nga naiiyak pa ko e. nadadala ako sa storya.
trip na trip ko yung mahirap yung bida, tapos, aapihin,
tapos maghihiganti kase mayaman na sha.
at
bakit
WALA NANG GANUNG PELIKULA???
kaya di na ko nanunuod ng sine e.
kase pelikula ngayon, gaya gaya na sa isteytsssh.
++

DARNA
vilma: Ding akin na ang bato!
ding: heto na ate!
vilma: DARNA!!!

++
I CANT STOP LOVING YOU
NORA to Miguel Rodriguez: Ito ang tandaan nyo! babalik
ako doon sa itaas! at kapag nasa itaas na ako, duduraan ko kayo!
NORA to Liza Lorena: hangang kailan ba Mama? hangang kailan ba
ako magbabayad ng putang inang utang na loob na yan?

++
IKAW PA LANG ANG MINAHAL
Hinihintay ni Maricel si Richard Gomez sa labas ng
kanilang malaking bahay, napagkasunduan nila na magtanan
dahil tutol ang
ama ni Maricel kay Richard dahil ang huli daw ay isang user....

Sinamahan si Maricel na maghintay kay Richard ni Charito Solis na
isang tiyahin ni Marya. Lahat ng sasakyan na dumaraan
ay parang tulirong pinapara ni maricel sa pagbabasakali na si
Richard ang dumating....

CHARITO to MARICEL: Sana naging tuso ka rin.

Napatingin si Maricel kay Charito sa sinabi nito.
Biglang bumuhos ang malakas na ulan at may
biglang dumating na sasakyan, nagpalahaw na ng iyak si
Maricel at hinahabol ang sasakyan.
Pinigilan siya ni Charito at pilit na kinakalma si Maricel....

MARICEL to CHARITO: Mamahalin niya ako Tiyang,
mamahalin niya ako para sa inyong lahat na hinde nagmahal sa akin...

++
maricel:kunyari nasa isang talk show tayo ako ang
host ikaw ang guest. ang tanong "may relasyon ba kayo ng asawa ko.
zsazsa: anong relasyon?
maricel: mistress, kabit number two, relasyon!
zsazsa: terry!
maricel: wag mo akong ma terry terry!

++
KASTILYONG BUHANGIN
Eksena: sa hospital di makapaniwala si Guy na patay na si Lito Lapid.
NORA: (pabulong hangang pasigaw) Oscar..
Oscar di ka mamamatay, di ka mamatay Oscar,
oscaaar hindi ka mamamataaay....
Oscaaaar...

++
Rudy F. : Pre... Walang personalan to.. trabaho lang. bang bang bang bang!

rene requestas sigaw sa echo: Cheetaeehh ganda lalakeee!
sagot ng echo: Ul0l sinungaling panget! panget!

++
HIMALA
Nora: Ipinatawag ko kayong lahat, dahil may
gusto akong ipangumpisal sa inyo, walang himala...
hindi totoong may himala,kayo ang gumagawa ng sarili
nyong himala,nasa puso ng bawat tao ang himala, walang himala...
walang himala!!!

++
SISTER STELLA L
Vilma: Ang ipinaglalaban namin dito ay ang karapatan ni ka Dencio!

++
BITUING WALANG NINGNING
Sharon: Noong una hinangaan kita,pero ng makilala kita,
sinabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi lang kita papantayan, lalampasan pa kita!

++
INAGAW MO ANG LAHAT SA AKIN:

Maricel: Ikaw ang maganda, ikaw ang matalino,
ikaw ang paborito ni Itay. Malandi ka, haliparot.

Snooky: (sinampal si Maricel)

Maricel: (gumanti rin siya ng sampal)

Nagsabunutan, nagngudnguran, naggulungan sa putikan
sina maricel at snooky. habang sinasabunutan ni maricel si
snooky nag-dialogue siya...

Maricel: akala mo kaya mo ako ha, sige laban. Hindot ka!!

++
BELOVED
Nora to Boyet: Noong una hinangaan kita, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na
hindi ka gagamit ng kapwa mo, makarating ka lang doon sa itaas,
pero ano ang ginawa mo? ipinagpalit mo ang lahat, pati katawan mo,
pati kaluluwa mo ibinigay mo don sa babaing yon(Hilda),
SA WALANGHIYA AT MAKATING BABAING YON!!!

++
NAGBABAGANG LUHA
Alice: Ate mamatay ako pag kinuha mo sa akin si alex
Lorna: Ipalilibing kita.

++
BAKIT BUGHAW ANG LANGIT?
Nora Aunor(Babette),Dennis Roldan (Bobby)
Bobby: nu yun? (tinuro ang langit)
Babette: langit
Bobby: nung kulay?
Babette: Bughaw
Bobby: akit ughaw?
Babette: alam mo Bobby, mula ng ipinanganak
tayo dito sa mundo, maraming tanong ang hindi natin kayang
sagutin,katulad ng
tanong mo sa akin kung bakit bughaw ang langit at katulad din
ng tanong ko sa sarili ko kung bakit kita minahal.

++
T BIRD AT AKO
Vilma: ang hirap sa'yo, sala ka init, sala ka sa lamig,
isinusuka ka ng diyos, iniluluwa ka ng langit!
Nora: sige,ayan, bukas ang pinto...magsama kayo ng lalaki
mo!!! mamataay na rin kayooo!!!

++
INAGAW MO ANG LAHAT SA AKIN:

Nakaharap si Maricel kay Armida ng pareho silang nakaluhod sa lupa.
Habang nagsasalita si Maricel lumalayo naman si
Armida ng nakaluhod pa rin at sinusundan siya ni Maricel ng paluhod din.

Maricel: Sige, isatsat mo. ipanganlandakan mo na ako
ang pumatay kay Itay tsaka ko ipagsisigawan na ginawang asawa ni
Arcadio ang bunso niya, kaulayaw, Kabit!!!

++
`MERIKA
Bembol: Mila...Mila mahal kita!
Nora: hindi,huwag mong sabihin sa akin yan dahil
hindi ako ang mahal mo! `Merika, Amerika mo ang hinahabol mo!!!

++
TINIK SA DIBDIB
Nora: Sa natatandaan ko itay, mula ng maliliit
pa kami wala kayong naibigay sa amin, ni isang latang gatas!
(emote) oo nga pala... marami...dito... mga tinik sa dibdib!!!

++
DAPAT KA BANG MAHALIN?
sharon:"bubukasan mo ba yang pinto o ihahampas ko sayo
itong maleta ko"
gabby: "bakit ba?"
sharon; 'sawang-sawa na ako sa mga kasinungalingan mo....
isang linggo kang di nagtrabaho... nagbabad ka sa kama ng babaing yun....
tapos ang gusto mo, para akong isang tangang naghihintay sayo dito...
uuwi na alng ako sa bahay namin.. mga totoong tao pa ang kasama ko doon"

++
DYESEBEL (alice dixon version)
"Bangenge, parang awa mo na gusto ko nang magiging tao ng buong buo,
ayaw ko nang maging si DIYESEBEL"

++
BILANGIN ANG BITUIN SA LANGIT

Gloria Romero as Dona Martina and Nora Aunor as Magnolia.

Dona Martina: Mataas kang magsalita.
Baka nakakalimutan mong ang mga langgam,
kapag umagapay sa kalabaw, nadudurog kapag tinapakan.

Magnolia: Pero pwede silang umilag, gumapang at
mangagat kung kinakailangan.

++
BILANGIN ANG MGA BITUIN SA LANGIT (again)

Magnolia: Bullshit Anselmo! You listen to me! (Nora to
Tirso)
Magnolia: Wala pang taong hindi rumespeto sa pangalang
MAGNOLIA DELA CRUZ! (Nora to Ana Margarita G.)
Anselmo : Balutin mo man ang katawan mo Magnolia ng ginto,
hampas lupa ka pa rin (Tirso to Nora)

Magnolia : WALANG HIYA KA!!! (Nora to Tirso habang
hinahabol ang jeep ni Tirso at siya'y
natalsikan ng putik)

++
I LOVE YOU MAMA, I LOVE YOU PAPA
Nora: Huwag mo akong daanin sa paingles-ingles at
naiintindihan ko na'yan. Hindi na ako ang dating probinsiyanang nakasama mo
noon sa bukid alam ko na kung anong ibig sabihin ng shit kaya shit mo!
Ang kapal ng mukha mong sabihin sa kin yan pagkatapos
ng lahat ng ginawa mo sa kin. kung nung araw nagawa mong
paikutin ang ulo ko puwes, hindi na ngayon!

++

crush!

2006-12-10T21:30:00.000+02:00

may crush ata ako!!!

kaklase ko sa lit theory at translation.
pangalawang ma na nia, una socio, tapos creative writing na ngayon...
nagtuturo sia sa ust.
matanda na sia mga 28-30 na pero d halata...
hindi sia gwapo, hmm... hindi rin naman panget.
hinahamon lagi pagkapemenista ko.
nagkapalitan na kami ng number, para sa exhibit ng pedxing.

hay nakakakilig! kelangan ko na isulat, bago nanaman mawala etong kilig! hehehe

abo

2006-12-09T10:43:00.000+02:00

"pagbalibaliktarin mo man ang mundo, tawagin mo man ng kung anu-ano, sa huling hantungan tao'y babalik pa rin sa pagka-abo."

isa nanamang rebelasiyon

2006-12-09T00:26:00.000+02:00

hindi ko alam kong ano ba ang dumadaloy sa dugo ko at lagi nalang nangyayari sa akin. bakit ba ako malapit sa mga taong ladlad, tago, o nagpapanggap. masaya naman, at mahal ko rin naman kasi ang mga taong katulad ng nabanggit ko. 
 wala lang nakakatuwa lang isiping may isa nanamang taong nagtiwala at naglakas loob na umamin kung ano talaga siya.  

pagod

2006-12-07T23:51:00.000+02:00

nakakatuwa pala magturo, lalo na pag matalino ang mag-aaral.
at nakakasawa rin pala mag ingles...

sexy starlet effect

2006-12-04T21:06:00.000+02:00

english teacher na ako! pwede na yun, stepping stone patungo sa mas matayog kong pangarap!!! (hahaha, sexy starlet ang effect diba?!)

stinks

2006-12-04T10:10:00.000+02:00

"Nothing stinks like a pile of unpublished writing, which remark I guess shows I still don't have a pure motive (O-it's-such-fun-I-just-can't-stop-who-cares-if-it's-published-or-read) about writing.... I still want to see it finally ritualized in print." Sylvia Plath

PALIWANAG sa aking katanungan

2006-11-30T21:47:00.000+02:00

napagusapan kasi namin ito ng friend ko nung isang araw eh, sabi nia pag sinagot mo raw yung tanong ng number 2, mas may katotohanan yun. aminin man natin sa hindi minsan "egocentric" talaga ang ugali natin pagdating sa love.

ewan ko sa iba, pero ako kasi, gagawin ko ang lahat, kahit na ayaw na nia, kahit isinusuka na ako ng taong mahal ko, kahit mukha na akong tanga hindi ko talaga titigilan, cge go parin ako! ang paliwanag: para in the end wala kang what ifs, at alam mo sa sarili mo na wala ka ng pag kukulang.

tapos dun ko narealize na, ginawa ko lang naman lahat yun kasi mas mahal ko ang sarili ko... bakit kamo? kasi, kung mas mahal ko yung manimahal ko, syempre susundin ko na kung ano man yung gusto niang ipagawa sa akin, like kung gusto niang tigilan ko na ang pangungulit cge d go titigilan ko na nga, pero hindi ko ginawa, minahal ko parin sia sa maaabot ng aking makakaya, kasi alam ko na pag tinigilan ko at sinunod ko sia hindi ako sasaya, so in short kahit ano mang katangahan ang nagawa ko, nagawa ko yun para sa sarili ko. para sa ikaliligayaha at ikakapanatag ng loob ko.

tapos ang sabi nung kaibigan ko, kaya cguro buo ka parin nakaalis, or buo parin ako pagkatapos nung relasyon namin, kasi in the end mas minahal ko pala ang saili ko....

**ewan ko kung paniniwalaan niyo ako, lalo na ang mga kaibigan kong nakasaksi kong paano ko hinarap ang buhay pagkatapos mangyari ng lahat... bahala na kayo, hindi ko naman kayo kinukumbinsing paniwalaan ako, nais ko lang ipamahagi ang napagmunihan ko. =)

KATANUNGAN pakisagot please

2006-11-30T20:46:00.000+02:00

paano ka magmahal?
(ibase mo sa noon at ngayong mga relasiyon)

masmahal mo ang taong mahal mo kesa sa mahal mo ang sarili mo? Ipaliwanag ang sagot.
masmahal mo ang sarili mo kesa mahal mo ang taong mahal mo? Ipaliwanag ang sagot.

*patawarin ang d effective na pag play of words!

myth creature

2006-11-30T13:21:00.000+02:00

You Are a Chimera

You are very outgoing and well connected to many people.
Incredibly devoted to your family and friends, you find purpose in nurturing others.
You are rarely alone, and you do best in the company of others.
You are incredibly expressive, and people are sometimes overwhelmed by your strong emotions.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

art movement

2006-11-30T13:06:00.000+02:00

You Are Expressionism

Moody, emotional, and even a bit angsty... you certainly know how to express your emotions.
At times, you tend to lack perspective on your life, probably as a result of looking inward too much.
This introspection does give you a flair for the dramatic. And it's even maybe made you cultivate some artistic talents!
You have a true artist's temperament... which is a blessing and a curse.

What Art Movement Are You?

20's name

2006-11-30T12:49:00.000+02:00

Your 1920's Name is:

Eddie Margarette

What's Your 1920's Name?

paint me!

2006-11-30T12:45:00.000+02:00

Who Should Paint You: Andy Warhol

You've got an interested edge that would be reflected in any portrait
You don't need any fancy paint techniques to stand out from the crowd!

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

blue heart

2006-11-30T06:59:00.000+02:00

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well.
You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return.

Your flirting style: Friendly

Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe

Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish

What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

minsan

2006-11-26T14:45:00.000+02:00

minsan hindi mo na alam kong iiyakan mo o tatawanan mo nalang eh... minsan kasi nakakasawang malito. minsan nakakasawang magkaroon ng samo't saring paraan kung paano ka makakatakas. yung minsan gusto mo nalang na andiyan nalang sa iyong harapan ang dapat mong gawin, hindi minsan, madalas yun ang hiling. hanggang kelan kaya ako magtatago, hanggang kelan magwawala, magpapakawala, mawawala, ngunit hindi magiging kawalan. ewan wala nanamang saysay. ganito ang aking buhay, at ganito lang siguro ako ngaun... walang saysay.

infinte blabbers 5: paghuhulog

2006-11-25T14:44:00.000+02:00

kanina sa translation class napagusapan namin na bukod sa pagsasalin meron pa pala tayong isa pang salita para sa translation, at yan ay ang paghuhulog. kung ihahambing ang ibig sabihin nito sa salitang ingles (fall) ay medyo negatibo ang dating. para maintindihan namin, sabi ni sir mike coroza isipin daw namin ang kwento ni juan tamad, na ayon sa kanya hinihintay ni juan ang paghulog na bayabas, na kung saan kaya inaantay ni juan ang bayabas ay dahil masustansiya ito.

sa madaling salita ang "hulog" ay hindi 100% negatibo. at bigla nalang naliwas ang usapan namin sa penomenolohikal na debate. ang argumento ni sir mike na hindi negatibo ang "hulog" na salita, kung titignan at susuriin natin, ay dahil, hindi ba sa pagkahulog natin nagmumula ang meaning o understanding natin. (argh! hindi ko na kayang magtagalog! jologs talaga ako magsulat!) anyway point is ang sabi niya na you first have to fall in order to find meaning. at nerelate nia ito sa buhay, na ang buhay naman talaga ay ganyan, na para maintindihan natin ang isang bagay o ang mismong buhay natin o kung ano man ang silbi ng buhay natin ang pinagmumulan muna nito ay pagkahulog. ang trials na nadanas mo... hindi ba nagpunga ng pagtuklas ng meaning ito sa buhay mo?

he said that life itself is a never ending process of translation. (kasi pinagdudukdukan nia, which i believe is right naman, na importante ang translation hindi lamang ito pangongopya at paglilipat sa ibang salita, isa itong mabusising pamamaraan ng pagpapalaganap ng sining at literatura) hindi lang naman salita ang isinasalin eh, ang ginagawa ko ngayon na pagsusulat tungkol sa mga saluobin ko at pananaw tungkol sa pagsasalin ay galing sa aking utak na sinasalin ko sa salita. (basta ganun! ang hirap magtagalog! sana walang magbabasa nito!) anyway ayun na nga gusto ko lang ibahagi ang mga natutunan ko kanina kay sir mike sa translation class. (kung sa tingin nio ay meron nga) marami pa akong thoughts pero antok na ako, umpisa lang to, kaya pag nakita niyo na nagpost uli ako tungkol sa paghuhulog wag niyo na basahin dahil nakita niyo naman na walang silbi pinagsusulat ko! hehehe kasi pagkatapos ko isulat binasa ko uli, at shiet! nakakahiya naman walang kwenta anyway read at your own risk nga ang ika ni nyx hehehe...

Sylvia Plath: The Bell Jar

2006-11-23T13:23:00.000+02:00

Don’t let thewicked city let you down.
It’s comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no farther.
If you expect nothing from someone you are never disappointed.
What a man wants is a mate and what a woman wants is infinite security. What a man is is an arrow into the future and what a woman is is the place the arrow shoots off from.
Stranding me in the middle of a huge silence.
The instructions slid through my head like water, and then I’d always spoil what I did so nobody would ask me to do it again.
I felt dreadfully inadequate. The trouble was, I had been inadequate all along, I simply hadn’t thought about it.
I say myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I, sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.
and think, dusty bottle-candles, that seemed for centuries to have wept their colored waxes red over blue over green in a fine, three-dimensional lace , cast a circle of light round each table where the faces floated, flushed and
flamelike themselves.
I couldn’t stand the idea of a woman having to have a single pure life and a man being
able to have a double life, one pure and one not.
I would catch sight of some flawless man off in the distance, but as soon as he moved
closer I immediately say he wouldn’t to at all.

That’s one of the reasons I never wanted to get married.

The last thing I wanted was infinite security and to be the place an arrow shoots
from. I wanted change and excitement and to shoot off in all directions myself,
like the colored arrows from a Fourth of July rocket.

Ever since I was small I loved feeling somebody comb my hair. It makes me go all sleepy and peaceful.
I didn’t know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full.
and with immense relief the salt tears and miserable noise that had been prowling around in me all morning burst out into the room.
I didn’t really see why people should look at me.

Plenty of people looked queerer than I did.

The air punched out my stomach.

All through June the writing course stretched before me like a bright safe bridge over the full gulf summer. Now I saw it totter and dissolve.

My mother saidthe cure for thinking too much about yourself was helping somebody who was worse off than you.
The only trouble was, Church, even the Catholic Church, didn’t take up the whole of your life. No matter how much you knelt and prayed, you still have to eat three meals a day and have a job and live in the world.
I also hate people who ask cheerfully how you are when they know you’re feeling like
hell and expect you to say “Fine”.
it wouldn’t have made one scrap of difference to me, because wherever I sat-on the deck of a ship or at a street café in Paris or Bangkok-I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air.
The air of the bell jar wadded round me
and I couldn’t stir.
The river water passed me by like an untouched drink.
I was growing involved in spite of myself.
I told him I believed in hell, and that
certain people, like me, had to live in hell before they died, to make up for missing out on it after death, since they didn’t believe in life after death, and what each person believed happened to him when he died.
I hated their visits, because I kept feeling the visitors measuring my fat and stringy hair against what I had been and what they wanted me to be, and I knew they went away confounded.
the beaming double of my old self, specially designed to follow me and torment me.
I was beginning toresign myself. If I was going to fall, I would hang on to my small comforts, at least, as long as I possibly could.
All the heat and fear purged itself. i felt surprisingly at peace. the bell jar hung, suspended, a few feet above my head. i was open to the circulating air.
Her thoughts were not my thoughts, nor her feelings my feelings, but we were close enough so that her thoughts and feelings seemed wry, black image of my own.
Other times I wondered if she would continue to pop in at every crisis of my life to remind me of what i had been, and what i had been through, and carry on her separate but similar crisis under my nose.
I was disappointed. i had thought i would have some revelation of specific evil.
i am my own woman.

The next step was to find the proper sort of man.

I couldn't possibly be a virgin any more. I smiled into the dar. i felt part of the great tradition.
To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream. A bad dream. I remembered everything. Maybe forgetfulness, like a kind of sorrow, should numb and cover them. But they were part of me. They were my landscape.
And of course I didn't know who would marry me now that I'd been where I had been. I didn't know at all.
A time of darkness, despair, disillusion-black only as the inferno of the human mind can be-symbolic death, and numb shock-then the painful agony of slow rebirth the psychic generation.

excerpts from everywhere: 1

2006-11-20T23:51:00.000+02:00

WICKED

Women are weaker, but their weakness is full of cunning and an equally rigid moral certainty. Since their arena is smaller, their capacity for real damage is less alarming. Though being more intimate they are the more treacherous.
There is a campaign but no agents, there is a game but no players. I have no colleagues. I have no self. I never did, in fact, but that’s beside the point. I am just a muscular twitch in the larger organism.
You the most individual, the most separate, the most real…
Or is just that the world unwraps itself to you, again and again, as soon as you are ready to see it anew?
We’re not old yet, but we’re old enough to be old friends already, aren’t we?
So he stalked her again. Love makes hunters of us all.
There were more ways to live than the ones given by one’s superiors.
Her curse was her safety.
But is life worth living in the wrong form?
Nothing is written in the stars. Not there, nor any others. No one controls your destiny.

RANDOM

It’s sanity we’re after. – Ricci
There is a right way to do the right thing at the right time and for the right reason. – Sir Saguisag
Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. – Elias Schwartz
They can smash your cookie, but you will always have your fortune. – Cats Don’t Dance
Whining is what keeps us sane. – Me
Stand in your own light, shine. – Michelle Bond
I can still hear my father’s words telling me to be the big fish in a small pond rather than the small fish in a bigger one. – Ildefonso P. Santos Jr.
I have observed the order that can result from chaos, and I have learned to appreciate and work with nature. – Ildefonso P. Santos Jr.
The silence depressed me. it wasn’t the silence of silence. It was my own silence. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

long day

2006-11-10T23:19:00.000+02:00

long day:

fiction class dissolved :(
had coffee with amor
anderson and i went to the gradschool to change my fiction class to english american lit
went to the creating writing center to talk to OAD
saw carlomar there *super kilig mode*
then OAD told him i like him *super kilig mode - still*
went to the maind building to get my new subject encoded
super long line so i decided to do it on monday
so after, went to the UST museum with amor, to see the "IlokoAbel" exhibit

textiles from Ilocos (I am so proud to be an Ilokana, rich culture, rich heritage... *bow*)

then just wandered around the museum (aircon eh bakit ba!)
went to the quadri park to meet nico, and to watch the water fountain

stared at the cute kid playing (hindi eh! bathing na eh!)

had dinner at lisa's with sir bong (first time ever!), ate fleur, rina, nico, and amor
nico and i walked amor to the other side of the world (meaning: lacson, espana gate from dapitan kasi eh!) but before that we watched imago sing ewan and taralets at the eng'g complex
then ate fleur, rina, nico and i went infront of the main building to chat
saw loy
i went to the varsitarian to visit (ehem... ) EIC nicolo
talked about ate fleur's "lovelife"
then they walked me home
nico upstairs to borrow my paras book
he teased and hugged ate lorie (teehee!)
went down to kiss ate fleur and rina - again
the end ;)

Sedate me...

2006-11-09T23:37:00.000+02:00

hay kahit pala gaano mo piliting pagtaguan ang sarili mo hindi ka magtatagumpay.
ayan na ang luha, walang tigil sa pagpatak... 

fish

2006-11-09T18:11:00.000+02:00

inspired by my earrings :)

Turquoise Blue

2006-11-07T13:24:00.000+02:00

By: Cynthia Alexander

Your out to see
In the mirror now
A hundred hands
Free falling
Only for a while

Your out to face
This tragic gate, embrace
You’re most beautiful
Watercolor lover
Only for a while

I paint my watercolor pillow
Tears turquoise blue
Fragile be this tendril tree
I may weep for you
Tears turquoise blue

Your out to steal
The heart of mine
Our restless masters
All the world a lonely journey
Only for a while

I paint my watercolor pillow
Tears turquoise blue
Fragile be this tendril tree
Counting tears
I may weep for you
Tears turquoise blue
Strong around your neck
Hush now babe
Now smile

infinte blabbers (5)

2006-11-07T01:13:00.000+02:00

    i was supposed to go out with my law school girls at around 2pm yesterday, but just when i was about to get ready i just didn't feel like going out anymore, so i begged off.

 it's because i'm really sick (cough and cold). but honsetly i don't i really want to talk to anybody right now. it's not that i don't want to see them i do! i do! i miss them alot! it's just that i don't want the "kamustahan" part. where you open the conversation with "kamusta ka na?", "ano naman bago sayo?", "ano na ginagawa mo sa buhay mo ngaun?" or "ano masaya ka ba?" cause honsetly i don't have the answers to those questions that's why i don't wanna see my friends and talk to them. maybe it's not just them i don't wanna see, maybe i don't wanna answer those questions cause that means i have to deal with my self, face my self. and i'm just not ready, or even, strong enough to do that now. it just sucks that i don't have plans, i'm not focused enough... i feel so empty right now(not in a dramatic way, but in the real sense of the word, i guess.) and now that i am writing about it, it reminds me of the pending i have to deal with, so i'm ending this blabbering right now.

(oh by the way (i know i said im going to stop talking but just hear this out) i didn't meet my lawschool girls, instead, they dropped by my place. and it was just so kind of them to not ask the unanswerable questions i was avoiding... (perhaps they know i don't wanna talk about it) thanks ice, abby and ren... it feels good to see them and feel their warmth... the comfort that friends give... but i just want to isolate myself right now... i'm sorry...)

blue

2006-11-05T05:25:00.000+02:00

envy

2006-11-04T17:40:00.000+02:00

i look at the frozen images.

and i see...
the lightness. the joy. the smiles. the view. the people. the friends.

and my hands grow cold.
a heavy heart.

envy...
that's what it's called.

2006-11-04T17:30:00.000+02:00

free from comfort.
naked.
what's next?

why am i sad?

2006-11-04T17:15:00.000+02:00

Why are you sad? [amazing pictures] For darker people

You are sad because of your grief
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

at night

2006-10-19T04:48:00.000+02:00

The streets become more palpable,
Its cold cement, dark.
In one corner,
You might see,
Splattered with blood,
A carcass of a cat.
No matter how silent it moves,
In death, it creates a rhythm of cracking bones.

The lampposts,
Become the sons of the moon.
Resembling tall men
Wearing stars for a hat,
Guarding the silence of the dark.
You'll find solace at their sight.

Like noisy lovers,
You'll hear the air,
Stroking
The slender body of the leaves.
Conceiving a tone,
That lucidly turns into a lullaby.

The sky becomes
A brunette sea.
Its pearls glistening,
In their solitary space.
The moon, a radiant bended shell.

At night, the world
Starts anew.

how i wish

2006-10-19T03:35:00.000+02:00

Give me a Mermaid for a Tattoo

Archie Barcelona

Give me a mermaid for a tattoo,
on my flanks she will walk ,
on my arms she will flex,
on my belly she will dance
like she were alive,
unhooked.

I lounge
on a bed of shells,
listening
to hypnotic songs
to mermaids mouthing tales
of forgotten cities.
Incredibly
I understand,
despite the bubbles that muddle
each utterance.

Give me a mermaid for a tattoo,
indelibly pinning her between
needle and skin,
trapping forever
a companion
who talks
in ink.

---
i was proscrastinating AGAIN... then i saw this poem... aww... how i wish this words are for me... *sigh*

lanna's birthday!

2006-10-18T15:10:00.000+02:00

fun fun day yesterday!! :)

my mom, amma, kuya, nanay, kyle, and lanna went here yesterday. it was lanna's birthday. first we went to greenbelt to watch aladdin! super fun i love genie! the kids really enjoyed the show! during the 15 minute break lanna kept on saying she wants to see princess jasmine again... so i told here genie needs to rest first so we have to wait... ;)

after watching aladin lanna fell asleep, while kyle and i were eating lotso of candies and chocolates! so much for sugar rush that we played all through out the ride to avilon! :)

avilon was so huge, i got really tired! we saw the crocodiles, the birds. the tigers, the hyenas! and a lot more. kyle was scared of the crocodiles. kuya and amma took a picture with the snake on their necks! eww! gross and scary! so i didn't try! i was pulling kyle towards them, he was so scared that he kept on shouting no and he kept on hiding at nanay's back.

lanna kyle and i took alot of pictures with the tiger, the leopard and the wild boar! :) such fun!:)

after that we went to this science museum in marikina, lanna was asleep. amma, kuya, kyle and i had a good time, playing with the inventions there, making bubbles, tidal waves and a lot more!
after that we went to the mall of asia, since it was lanna's birthday we bought here a small pink cake.

fun fun day with the kids! so nice to be around kids for a change! :)

from patiey's blog

2006-10-16T23:50:00.000+02:00

cheers for september drama!

it's september ( so what, you ask?!), and people have started to get into some big drama. probably, it's all the pre-octoberfest frenzy, the november-dead-me-days, or the december-chill-to-kill mode that drive us crazy... whatever floats your boat, let's take a toast (and a long, sensuous smoke puff) for that!

TOASTS FOR:

gays and lesbos who fight back to dick-inside-out, sore losers

peeps who brave the odds of getting their hair dyed

pregnant bitches who say no to abortion

people who come and go in your life (ex's, fb's, etc.)

yuppies who work hard n play hard

bands or pseudo-bands who are getting signed or booked

hippies who get discount on ukay-ukay finds

'quickers' who sneak in their quickee and have quickie really quick (more toasts for extra rounds of *o)

bums who lug around and still have a fun 24/7 life... list goes on!

A BIG BOO THOUGH FOR:

LOSERS WHO THINK THEY'RE THE VITCTIM

LOSERS WHO THINK THEY'RE ALL THAT

LOSERS WHO EAT SHIT. PERIOD!

the cold season's must've got into me... furr coat pls! and blue mascara! and yosi pls!

just love the positive bitchiness!

new expression

2006-10-16T03:06:00.000+02:00

new expression from nyx:

yuck... if ever!

the dawn

2006-10-14T04:26:00.000+02:00

kelangan lang na mailagay ang picture nila sa blog ko!!! :)

Ashore

2006-10-13T12:44:00.000+02:00

In the four corners
Of my cardboard sea,
The ink of my pen
Becomes the dark ocean waves.
Like love:
Eternally sloshing
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Incessantly becoming and leaving.

This ocean of metaphors
Sail me to so many
Shores of poems.
Bringing me towards
Your infinity.

Struggling not to drown,
I tore my paper ocean--
That opened into a terrain,
Fertile with fresh beginnings

Now I am a fish,
Forever ashore.

search

2006-10-13T00:45:00.000+02:00

To remember you,
I collect all that is left of what we were.

So I go back inside this dark room
Where our shadows once
Danced under the glow
Of the jaundiced moon.

Engulfed by dimness
I start to search the space,
My hands becoming my eyes
Feeling textures
Known only in the dark.

Then my hand landed into something;
Something, only my eyes could stroke
Suddenly you are no longer
A fabrication of yearning,
But a carcass of reality.
The very same one
I have touched,
The very same You
I have loved.

And now I know why,
I chose to stay in the dark.

Sameness

2006-10-12T23:29:00.000+02:00

Sameness

Carlomar Arcangel Daoana

Rising to the shock of morning,

he realizes how his body resembles his.

How come you share my body, says he,

pulling the blanket to his shoulders

not so much out of coldness as wanting

to be hidden. We are both the same,

he replies, and stretches his limbs

to reveal the absence of breasts,

the quick drop of the chest

to the abdomen. They always have

this kind of conversation to find

to find their way out of shame when last night,

they seemed perfectly fitted together,

torque and groove, and not one of them,

  uttered any sound of discomfort.

**hahaha, baka makarelate Siya dito sa poem. by the way crush ko rin yung poet na nagsulat nito. :)

drizzle

2006-10-10T23:36:00.000+02:00

 yehey! after the dearth, finally a drizzle of words. hopefully the poems will be good enough for OAD.

Watercolor Love

2006-10-10T23:15:00.000+02:00

You are watercolor
Dancing on paper.
The strokes of your body,
Sway with the rhythm of colors,
That vivify the memory
Of the once flawless
Pare of my youth.

I am a brush
Trying to lash
You back into this blank space
You once filled
With bright
Shades of bliss.

But the light
Is swiftly grazing off.
Concealing the luminous
Hues of desire.

The colors are turning into
Subdued streaks of parting.
Now only smudges of
Sad claret fills up,
The space you left beside me.

Waterbound

2006-10-10T22:15:00.000+02:00

The ardent wind disperses
With the slightest
Touch of the sea.

The wave kisses the shore
With its lipless mouth.
Soon after,
Only sea foams remain.

This reprise of tragedy
Is what vivifies the sea.

Waterbound,
I am but a small fish:
A witness
To the never ending
Flow of parting.

the plague

2006-10-09T23:51:00.000+02:00

"Query: How contrive not to waste one's time?

Answer: By being fully aware of it all the while. Ways in which this can be done: By spending one's days on an uneasy chair in a dentist's waitint-room; by listening to lectures in a language one doesn't know; by traveling by the longest and least-convenient train routes, and of course standing all the way; by lining up at the box-office of theaters and then not buying a seat; and so forth."

-albert camus

neruda 2

2006-10-09T23:44:00.000+02:00

SAME STORY

This evening, each hour, it grows earlier:
each splendor, each shadow,
each twilight, dawns anew on our world:
immovable time
masks
its exigent face
and changelessly changes its garment:
each night or in delicate daybreak
the long silence of glaciers,
summer's reddening apple:
all is vagabond as the wind:
time idles, immobile,
hueless and heatless, sunless and starless:
nothing avails but the absolute.

Goodbye and goodbye. Nothing changes.

STAR

Good enough: so i never returned. I no longer grieve
for a vanished return. All things are resolved by the sand--
and as part of the landscape and waves,
salt syllable or sea louse,
I, sovereign and slave to these shores,
surrender myself, shackle myself to my rock.
No free will for those of us who exist
as a piece of appearances,
no going for those who return
to themselves, to the rock of their singular being:
and the only perduring star is the sea.

by: Pablo Neruda

**still no rain of words, so i am swimming into the sea of the gods instead. i am but a small girl.

rain

2006-10-06T18:35:00.000+02:00

I need words to rain down on me,

so i can create a sea of my own.

tribu blue

2006-10-03T16:00:00.000+02:00

face to face with strangers
the night opens
with a pitcher of blue liquid and gin
and we match it with cigarettes
perhaps, in our attempt to belch out
the bitter taste of his skin

the second pitcher came
as i talked about long letters
and his short distant responses--
they relate to the coldness.
oh, how remembering
can bridge the souls of those forgotten.

the third pitcher poured
out her soul
slithering out her mouth
is apathy
concretized in his form.

the fourth pitcher spills out
memory:
his last words
his last kiss
his last touch.

down to our last glass
before the night closes in on us
we swallow down the very last
ounce of his being.

inebriated by memory
we suddenly head out to the sink
to finally puke him out of our lives
for him to join
the filthy side of forgetfulness
as we once did

now we lean against each other
the three of us
no longer strangers
and for the last time we raise a toast
for our new found tie.

(the first time with rej and red)

**not sure if i'm going to read it in rainbow project. not good enough for me eh. they might just laugh at my nonsense, perhaps i'll write a new one. for now this poem will just sit here to be read by no one. =)

confirmation

2006-10-02T16:59:00.000+02:00

after the storm... my question was finally answered.

yes people, he is...

end... soon...

2006-09-18T21:23:00.000+03:00

tina's story ended... right... it ended like all love does...

hoping that this state of bullcrap will end soon...

i miss writing. i miss feeling. i miss life.

Sedate me!!!

2006-08-14T19:25:00.000+03:00

all right so i've been obssessing about this, i am finally allowing myself to be this dumb-star-struck-girl again. and i don't care. i am happy just thinking about him, happy. it's been a long time since happiness has been concretized! damn it! i deserve this. i only saw him once, ok. once. so what?! that's why friendster is there, to allow you to get a glimpse or atleast an idea if the person has personality! hahaha

anyway, he is a creative writing student minor in theater arts. he likes ballet, and music. which is great. and the music i am refering to is in snyc with what i like, not only pop and musical songs, and oh he likes joey ayala! how cool can it get?! he's not much of a looker but who cares?! i am so loving the feeling of liking another guy. and liking him with a smile! so sweet and childish! i can't stop talking somebody sedate me!

DEAD LONG AGO

2006-08-14T19:16:00.000+03:00

DEAD LONG AGO
I said that I loved you that wasn't a lie
but each time i'd say these words the harder i try
if only a compromise just to save this thing's soul
but if a word was a weapon I'd have been dead long ago

And I can't go on living this way
No I can't go on living

I'm sick of complaining but I can't get things right
the punches keep coming and I'm losing the fight
with all this aggression another slap in the face
the relationship beckons and I'm on my way

oooh your sympathy goddamnit
I said that I loved you its turned into a lie
cause each time I say these words the harder I cry
if only a compromise just to save this thing's soul
but your words are like weapons and I was dead long ago

ooh your sympathy for someone dead long ago

---
i think he wrote this.
i am just so obssessed, forgive me.

bookmark

2006-08-14T00:36:00.000+03:00

removed him from my bookmark...
replaced him with another... (nothing special, just a crush, i only met him once, and i'm looking forward to meeting him again)
don't ask me, its not that bigga deal :)

Discovery!

2006-08-02T02:36:00.000+03:00

it was the happiest moment of the day.

-she's a discovery
-very good
-good
-beautiful images
-do you write poems? i knew it, because of how you wrote your lines

:)
--bow--

neruda

2006-07-27T14:00:00.000+03:00

Fable of the Mermaid and the Drunks

All those men were there inside,
when she came in totally naked.
They had been drinking: they began to spit.
Newly come from the river, she knew nothing.
She was a mermaid who had lost her way.
The insults flowed down her gleaming flesh.
Obscenities drowned her golden breasts.
Not knowing tears, she did not weep tears.
Not knowing clothes, she did not have clothes.
They blackened her with burnt corks and cigarette stubs,
and rolled around laughing on the tavern floor.
She did not speak because she had no speech.
Her eyes were the colour of distant love,
her twin arms were made of white topaz.
Her lips moved, silent, in a coral light,
and suddenly she went out by that door.
Entering the river she was cleaned,
shining like a white stone in the rain,
and without looking back she swam again
swam towards emptiness, swam towards death.

Pablo Neruda

regret

2006-07-27T13:51:00.000+03:00

I've always wanted to correct the past. Only hypocrites articulate that they have lived life without regrets. Every single action that we make have rooted out of branched decisions, perhaps from our autonomous response to the uncertainty of to be or not to be, to do or not to do. Unless thwarted by a mishap or anything that can cause mental distress, Karen Horney (psychoanalyst) is resolute that "We are all neurotic individuals who have irrational needs."
----------------------
i was searching for the great OAD's a kind of burning when suddenly i landed on this blog. hmmm quite interesting i can say... kinda saw myself in her... a bit...

so again, out of boredam, since my life lately has been waking and sleeping, waiting for something to do, or somehitng to happen. not pathetic just a relaxed life, very relaxed at that.

anyway... so i read her entry then i got kinda pissed when i read something about re-living the past, i got offended when she said that people who convey that they don't have regrets are hypocrites.. let me just grab her hair and smolder her face.

What im trying to say here is that, when you look back and rethink about the decisions you made that led to the many things that has happened in your life, and you don't regret it, that doesn't mean youre a hypocrite, it just means that you were able to understand why it had happened to you, and when there are no regrets… it means you've learned something from them...

But since you're ranting that you regret your past decisions, then my dear, you haven't learned anything yet. Grow Up!

blame it on the weather

2006-07-26T02:24:00.000+03:00

i am sick. i am cold. i hate it.

such a pity to text my friends about how i am doing. when desperation slithers in your lonesome soul, i guess you just go and do stupid stuff, like declare to the whole world that you are sick and miserable just so somebody would know and pity you!

i hate it. it's like im telling people and begging them to give me attention, and begging them to actually pity me!

tsk tsk tsk... ynna such a miserable soul.

i blame the weather for making me sick, cold and alone!

Flood on the 5th floor

2006-07-25T23:30:00.000+03:00

it's been raining for almost 3 days... im stuck inside my apartment and it sucks.

this afternoon after taking a bath i went to bed again (since it's nice to just sleep because of the weather, and i was feeling kinda sick, i have a cough and cold). i was supposed to go back in slumber, but i ended up playing "canal control" on my phone, while friends is playing on my tv, and the book zahir at my side.

after playing i was supposed to go to the bathroom and pee, so i sat down and looked for my slippers. when i bowed my head, guess what i saw... water, and it was threatening to slither though my baskets of clothes, a bunch of star boxes and a few books on the floor (yeah my apartment is back to it's old trashy look) so i had no choice but to go out of my house and fix the train. i removed the stuff that clogged it, while raining, so i ended up cold and wet. after that i went inside to mop the whole place, to remove the water. it was cold outside but i was really panting and sweating. (heavy rugs, with water) what a work out!

after the burdensome work, i went to the bathroom and took a bath again. i was really pissed cause of the water coming inside my house, that shouldn't be the case since im on the 5th floor! anyway... after that i wore pajama's again, then went to bed, covered my self with a blanket, but it didn't give me enough heat.

i don't know all of a sudden i was feeling gloomy, (maybe because of the weather) i texted antz and nico, telling them that i feel sick, and that i hate the fact that i'm alone blah... blah... blah... hate the fact taht i was ranting about this again, ranting about stuff you shouldn't really rant about. i hate how shallow my problem is: just want to feel special, just want to have someone who can make me special. i don't know why... i blame the weather. i hate being cold and alone!

anyway, it was a good thing taht tina went to my place and gave me a hug, thanks tina! (antz wished she could be there for me to give me warmth and a tigh hug... sigh... she can't cause she's so far away). then after taht ice and abby went to visit me despite the flood. so we had a good talk and we ate dinner together.

hmmm.... so im really thankful i have friends... who can divert my sadness into simple joys... thank you so much...

Cinemelaya 2006

2006-07-23T23:38:00.000+03:00

went to CCP (the cultural center of the philippines) to watch the cinemalaya films... feels so good to be surrounded by people who loves the same things that i do.

best wishes to the artists and the art!

naway maging malaya ang dwende ninyo para lumikha ng katotohanan at kagandahan!

infinite blabbers (4)

2006-07-21T22:50:00.001+03:00

just random thoughts running in my head...

the other night i talked to antz, sigh knida felt bad that we just had to do with a 10 minute conversation, unlike before, we used to talk for hours... kinda miss that you know. have so many things running in my head, and i miss just pouring it out to you. so how are you?

i am in a state of... (geez there's not even a word for it)

anyway.. hmmm... i am writing for habitat, and i get to see the ugly side of the philippines (yes, fortunately there is still a good side). i hide at the back of the camera, taking pictures, of strangers turned friends from other countries, trying to help, and try to make this world (country) a better place to live in.

it is just so hard seeing your country like that, slams, dirt and children with skin diseases, so depressing, and it would make you realize how lucky you are that you have the kind of life you are in, i say this cause that's what i felt after being emmersed to such kind of environment.

i've just realized, that poor countries still survive, cause there are still a lot of kind-hearted people, who are willing to help. God bless them.

hmmm... anyway, i am enjoying my work, i get to meet a lot of people, i write and a take pictures of them. i love it! i am very grateful that all these gifts are given to me.

hmmm... anyway despite not knowing what state i am in, i think i am fine, and i'm ok being fine until... until...

hmmm... that's it.

Hope Builders July 2006

2006-07-15T14:54:00.000+03:00

hope builders,

thank you for the 7 wonderful days we've spent together. i will always remember you. thank you for all the help!

sir albert,
thank you for the memories and the book, i will miss you so much. thank you for being a grandad during your mission trip here. much love and prayers from me. when i go there and visit let me stay in your house ok? i wanna meet your family. and i would tell them all the stories and memories we had back here. thank you so much! i will really really miss you so much!!! i hope to really see you soon!!! i love you sir albert!!!

crystal,

ang pinakamaganda kong kaibigan (my most beautiful friend) thank you for all the love and sincerity you've showed us. i love you! mahal na mahal kita (i love you so much) i will miss talking to you, and acommpanying you in the bathroom, talking while brushing our teeth so we can't understand each other! hehehe thank you for the smiles and the laughter. thank you for provding me details about mr uptight hehehe. you know what i was really crying my butt out before and after i talked to you and sir albert! wahhh!!! i will miss you!!! i'll visit you when i go there ok? and then we'll go to hong kong! :) thank you thank you! i will be forever grateful for the wonderful friendship you've given me. you are really maganda inside and out. the authenticity you've showed us is deeply appreciated. thank you thank you! keep in touch ok? mwah!!!

ann nee(my enemy)
hey you 4 year old kid! i will miss bullying you! and i will miss hearing your annoying "punta ka sa mc donalds" cheer! mwah thank you for everything i hope you enjoyed your stay here in the philippines. i will write to you again. mwak! keep in touch!

to every one, i have so many things to say but the yearning is just to heavy, when things go back to normal i'll write to you again. and yes i'll send you the pictures as soon as i can! :)

for years

2006-07-04T17:05:00.000+03:00

from: (for years) i wish someone were waiting for me somewhere by anna gavalda

**    the years that followed had no effect on me. some days i'd be surprised to think:
"you know? ... that's strange... i don't think i thought about him yesterday...." but instead of congratulating myself, i'd wonder how that could've happend--how i'd managed to go a whole day without thinking of him. i was especially obssessed with his name. that and two or three very precise images of him--always the same ones.

** i never once asked myself whether i still loved him or what my exact feelings toward him were. that would serve no purpose. but i loved to find him at the detour of a moment of solitude. i miust say it, because it's the truth.

**    "yes, exactly--it's like a pilgrimage. i guess your face is a place that touched my life"

** whenever she thought of him, she always got philosophical. she always pretended to smile over it or to understand somthing from it--whereas in reality she'd never understood a thing.

** she cries because her heart started beating again today, and for some time now she hadn't thought that was possible anymore. she'd had a harder life than she'd have imagained. she's mostly known solitude.

**    she said that it had all made her too bitter, or too hard--in any case, too different from what she'd been before.

infinte blabbers (3)

2006-07-04T11:27:00.000+03:00

 went shopping with my mom and ate lori. fun we bought umbrellas.(that made mama really happy ;p) super cute umbrella polkadots with a hot pink border!! ;) made me happy too!!! :)

then went to taft to meet ice abby n ren, was supposed to meet them in baywalk but i got lost so they just decided to meet me in starbucks. while waiting for them for a long time (cause they got lost, again.. happens all the time ;P) read 3 short stories in the book i was reading entitled "i wish there is someone waiting for me somewhere" by anne gavalda. nice stories. stories about love and waiting, in different forms. i love it. 

so then the girls arrived, oh how i missed them so much, can't keep the intensity, we were laughing out loud, talking too loud to fight the noise pollution outside. updated each other again, ren and abby said it is so much different now (beda) without us. and then i realized how sad it is indeed to go to school without your old friends... when sometimes the only inspiration that pushes you to go there are your friends... but now theyre gone... hmmm... signs of growing up when friends aren't always around anymore... i know. then updated each other about our nonexistent love lives, but except for ren of course. fun fun... then a few of our classmates dropped by! oh how i missed big john.

"namis kta!it shows ur hapy with wat ur doing ryt now.wlang bahid ng stres at lungkot sa mukha mo.:)" --ice

funny cause they kept on saying buti pa si ynna masaya na! masaya na nga ba ako? ewan ko? maybe, or maybe not, maybe im not happy but then again im not sad. i just feel fine now. now that i am one step forward to happiness i guess. nothing much is happening with my life, but all shall be well soon. :)

it's amma's bday today! i love you ate!!! so so much!!!

OAD (lit crit and poetry writing)

2006-07-03T10:58:00.000+03:00

had class. Opehila Alcantara Dimalanta was good. it was quite an informal meeting. we talked about how to be a real artist. and she kept on asking about my views since she knows that my undergrad was philosophy. it was a fun interaction with a goddess. :)

stages of love

2006-07-03T09:55:00.000+03:00

so i went to katipunan. was planning to take a cab, but the traffic was so heavy (hell) so went to kegarda at the lrt2 station sweating like a pig. got a cab and went to ateneo. super late as in!!! i stood up the entire time, since all the seats were taken (woo-hoo! galling naman nyx punong puno talaga) the play was funny as in! the crowd were receptive, they were laughing the whole time. so at the end of the play they called the tantanantan! directah! so nyx went to the stage, felt like a stage mom who was very proud of her gay son! hehehe i almost cried! anyway after that of course the director needs to socialize so i let him be, i waited for him. after that we went to the pocket garden to smoke. hmmm... after a couple of minutes guess who was coming... of course... pom. nyx kept telling me to say hi and be mature about it, i hesitated at first but then wgain what the hell after he said hi had no choice but to say it back! that was it no interaction after that. saw cha, and so i told nyx i want to go. so he chatted with them for a while then said his goodbyes. didn't say goodbye, i don't think i have to after all. or maybe i just didn't have the guts to do so.

after that we went to eastwood to visit sarah. she wasn't free so nyw and i decided to have our dinner first, it was my treat! for the job well done, so we went to somthine fishy to eat sinigang ne hipon! yum then we had a beer, after that we went back to coffee bean, so saree took a break and we drank beer again. after that we went home. :)

fun fun night, despite despite. but what irritates me is that since i saw him again, i can't seem to stop thinking about him again! rats! i'll get over this!!! ;P

galing sa friendster (harapin mo ang nakaraan) hehehe

2006-06-29T10:04:00.000+03:00

SURVEY sa friendster... hehehe d ko masyado sineryoso dun kasi mababasa ng lahat. pero try ko sagutan ng seryoso dito! secret lang natin to ha! :)

01.PAANO KUNG BIGLA KAYONG NAGKITA NG
EX MO?
>> haha nasubukan ko yun, at sa loob pa ng sinehan, kasama nya friends nya at ako magisa! ano ginawa ko... tinext ko lahat ng kaibigan ko! tapos naghyperventilate. :)

**
nagkita nga kami sa sinehan tapos tinext ko lahat ng pwedeng itext, tinawagan ako ni antz, at naku bukod sa paghhyperventilate eh natapakan ko yung mga paa nung 2 kong katabi tapos yung bag ko nahampas ko dun sa lalakeng nasa harap ko. tapos pagkatapos kung makipagusap sa telepono umupo ako sa pinakamalapit na chair tapos pagkatapos nung movie naspotlight ako. ang saya diba!?

02. SINO SA MGA EX MO ANG GUSTO MONG
BALIKAN?
>> si pom lang ex ko eh! pag love na nia ako uli at pag nagbago sia, why not!

**
si pom lang naman ex ko eh... so sia lang ang mababalikan ko. kung nagmature na sia at kasama na ako sa mga priorities nis oo naman babalika ko sia, that is kung single parin ako ha.

03. BAKIT?
>> kasi love ko pa sia (ayokong seryosohin tong survey na to at baka macornihan kau!)

**
kasi love ko parin sia ngaun kahit papano. d na cguro matatanggal yun noh!

04.PINAKILALA KA BA NG EX MO SA PARENTS
NIA?
>> oo naman naglunch out pa nga kami eh

**
oo kasama buong pamilya naglunch kami sa greenhills pagkatapos nung play nia na pippin kasama ko pa sila nyx and sarah

05.BAKIT KAYO NAG-BREAK?
>> simple lang...kasi hindi na nia ako love (or kung hindi man, "nagWANE" (sabi nia eh) yung love nia for me, eh di brineak ko

**
kasi sabi nia nagwwane na daw yung love nia and kailangan daw muna niang hanapin yung sarili nia, tapos narealize ko na cge baka tama na rin na ibreak ko sia kasi mukhang wala na kaming patutunguhan eh, so brineak ko tapos i ended up begging him to come back, pero wala na rin nangyari kasi nung time na yun sabi nia wala na its over between us.

06. SA PALAGAY MO MINAHAL KA NG EX MO
>> cguro naman noh! well... binabawi ko... oo naman!

**
noon natanung ko kung nilove nga ba nia ako. pero oo naman minahal nia ako. wag kayong kumontra kahit kaibigan nia kau, kasi iba yung relationship namin sa relationship nio, so mas kilala ko sia kahit papano. ok?

07.ANONG GUSTO MONG SABIHIN SA EX MO?
>> hello galing mo na talagang stage actor! at choreographer ka narin pala ng bluerep, congrats pala nakakuha ka ng dance scholarship!

**
hello! kamusta ka na? alam mo ba sobra mo akong nasaktan pero marami rin naman akong natutunan dahil sayo. salamat narin kahit papano. nga pala nakita ko yung blog ni rony may picture ka doon. ang gwapo mo bagay mo yung haircut mo. at wait kasi ang dami ng nagsasabi sa akin, hindi ko na tuloy alam kung totoo... bading ka ba?
alam mo miss na kita, lahat ng memories natin nafifeel ko mga ideals na eh, hindi na sense experience, nakakalungkot nga eh. pero ok lang naman atleast nasa memory parin kita. ako ba nasa memory mo pa?
pinagsisihan mo ba na nagbreak tau kahit konte? namimiss mo rin ba ako? yung someday na sinabi mo... ano sa tingin mo pwede pa kaya?
musta ka na? cguro hindi ka parin nagshshare ng emotions mo sa iba noh? ishare mo! ayoko na yung you always keep it to yourself! hindi yung maganda dba?
ayun lang cguro marami pa akong gustong sabihin sau, pero eto nalang muna sa ngaun :)

08. BAKIT YUN ANG SINABI MO?
>> eh wala naman na kaming dapat pagusapan eh!

**
kasi yun naman talaga yung gusto kong sabihin noon pa eh.

09. OK LANG BA NA MAGING MAGKAIBIGAN
KAYO NG EX MO?
>> sa ngayon... hindi pa cguro... in time... SUMDAY hehehehe

**
sa ngayon hindi pa cguro kasi mahal ko pa sia eh, pagfriends lang kami lalo akong masasaktan tapos ma frfrustrate.

10.MAY NAGING BEST FRIEND KA BA NA
NAGING GF/BF MO?
>> wala

11. MASASABI MO BA SA SARILI MO NA
NAGING MABUTI KANG GF/BF SA EX MO?
>> oo naman! AS IN!

**
oo naman naging mabuti talaga ako. kamali ko lang cguro na sobra ko ciang minahal nakalimutan ko yung sarili ko, andami tuloy kapalpakan ang nangyari. pero naging mabuti talaga ako.

12. NAG BAGO KA NA BA?
>> sa anong aspeto? nagmature ng konte!

**
oo nagbago na ako, feeling ko naman nagmature ako pagkatapos kung daanan lahat ng napagdaanan ko. nagbago ako kasi nagmahal ako. :)

13.ILAN NA BA ANG NAPAIYAK MO?
>> binibilang ba dapat yun? ikaw ilan na?

14 INIYAKAN MO RIN BA SILA?
>> oo yung iba

15 MUSTA KA NAMAN NGAYON?
>> eto nagvolunteer sa habitat tapos nage-MA ng creative writing sa UST-

**
eto masaya na dahil hindi na ako nakakulong sa lawschool, nagsusulat na uli ako, sana mapagbuti ko pa. maraming kaibigang namimiss, nawala sila sa kanikanilang paraan, malungkot, pero ganun talaga, kailangang kayanin.

16 ANO PINAKAMAGANDANG NATUTUNAN MO
SA EX MO?
>> do everything you can to save the relationship... para in the end wala kang what ifs. thanks pom! :)

**
na hindi masamang magmahal ng sobra, hindi tama na wag mong ibigay ang lahat at magtira ka dapat sa sarili, kung hindi; magmahal ka ng sobra at the same time dapat mahal mo rin ang sarili mo. FIND LOVE IN ANY FORM.

infinite blabbers (2): appreciating the Other

2006-06-29T08:54:00.000+03:00

We grow old and suddenly we want to hurry things.
Don't commit when you're not ready.
Don't keep others waiting endlessly.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy. Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons. To keep yourself warm, buy a jacket. In the long run, it will be less complicated and less costly.
Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
No one completes you--except you.

Got this text message from a friend. (emby)

hmm... I don't quite agree with the last sentence, that no one can complete you except you. I think sometimes this statement is hypocritical. Don't you feel that sometimes it is this one person (we fantasize) that can help you find your true self? The "complete" version of You.

Don't you find yourself (sometimes), feeling quite beaten up by the apathy of the world, and in that moment of weakness you dream to have someone beside you. Someone you feel safe with, someone that can ease the loneliness and frustrations you're feeling. I think it is that one person that may lead you to your completeness, we should not forget to give the "other" the proper credit he/she deserves.

Sometimes the "other" helps you find yourself, true that he isn't the one who will complete you, but he/she is one of the many factors that might lead you to your completeness.

True that you should take care of yourself, but sometimes we need other people to take care of us, isn't it the essence of what God has taught us about loving one another. We should practice this more often, we should take care of the people we love as well, it is our duty, (it has been our duty, since the day we decided to love that person) to take care not only of ourselves but also the people we love.

***just my random thoughts for the day. good day everyone!

infinite blabbers (1)

2006-06-21T22:35:00.000+03:00

let me talk to space once again.

hmmm... after quiting law school i'm off wandering along the dusty rode of life, in solitide. perhaps it is time for me to face the world on my own. he sent my angel away from me for a while, seems to me he wants us to grow apart to be able to grow together.

so now i am back to UST taking up my MA in creative writing, class haven't started yet, and yes... i have all the time in the world to read and write, was supposed to teach (in this school) but i think the subject i would be teaching would'nt be available until next sem, so while waiting i volunteered for Habitat for Humanity. i am going to write about thier projects, and hopefully my little help could extend to alot of people here in our country(especially people my age), for them to be able to help, less fortunate ones.

i am out in the world on my own, i think this time it's for real. i'm out, stripped, naked from innocence, and as naked as i can get i am about to face the many trials the world is about to throw at me...

i'll take the punches and hugs one at a time.

take care

2006-06-21T09:46:00.000+03:00

she left. the best relationship i ever had ended, well not quite, but yeah it did... somehow...

she told me that she will never tired of loving me, and that made me cry a little more, almost every minute i think of her, and i wonder how on earth will she be able to survive there... away... away from all of us. well such a strong person like her can't be put down by such a simple challenge of distance... i think...

she loved me, condotionally unconditionally, its hard to say but one things for sure she really loved me. and she loved every body i love, my friends, chahing and of course my family.

such a weird kind of friendship one might say, amazing for some, and some are bothered as well...

of all the things i've lost for the past few years and having her in return was worth it. she became my strength and i became hers.

a psychiatrist said, you allow other people to touch your life and to hold on to you, you let them love you, for it uplifts and inspires their soul.

i don't know if im making sense, it's all random thoughts anyway... i miss her so much! i miss hugging her, talking to her before sleep, eating out with her, talking to her over a cup of tea. i miss her terribly... i miss my angel...

before

2006-06-19T10:56:00.000+03:00

now before the weather starts to crack on my hands
before the leaves flutter to distance
the entirity of the universe shall be ours
for this hour shall be the 9th if not the last
soon you will walk down the sea to swim on another land

now before the sun rains with teardrops
before the current wash my heart
let the heavy heart settle on your palm
i'll make you a deal;
if you carry it i shall carry yours

now before i end this poem
before i cut my hands, and poke my eyes
i shall have a last look at your face
let me memorize every teardrop, every sweat
let me kiss you and say good bye.

ambition

2006-06-19T02:10:00.000+03:00

well i've been thinking... does it really pay off if your ambitious?

what is ambition anyway... is it being able to survive the notional world... stating that life is all about the money? is that true? what about doing the thing you love the most? isn't it considered an ambition, just because, if you do you might not be able to earn a lot of money in the end?

how i miss my dad and his simplicity...

water

2006-06-16T18:36:00.000+03:00

let the water heal your wounds
let it enter your veins
to replace the hot scarlet liquid that dissolves your soul
 "> 

from stainless longganisa

2006-06-05T15:01:00.000+03:00

hindi lahat nabibigyan ng pagkakataong magsulat. hindi lahat nabibigyan ng boses sa papel. ang iba nga nakukuntento na lang sa ilalim ng tulay o upuan ng bus. kaya di dapat sayangin ang pribilehiyo na mailapat ang isip sa isang babasahin. kung may pagkakataon ka na gawin ito--pusanggala, ipayakap mo ang buong papel sa sarilng salita! wag na wag mo 'tong patatapakan sa iba. angkinin mo ang bawat sulok ng espasyo na ipinagkatiwala sa'yo. dahil hindi ka nadadagdagan sa paggamit sa mga sulating hindo mo gawa, nananakawan ka lang ng napakahalagang punasan ng tinta.

talambuhay 2

2006-06-05T14:32:00.000+03:00

college...

1st yr

college bagong salta sa maynila buti nalang at kasama ko ang ate ko sa bahay kaya hindi ako masyadong na homesick at kasama ko rin si jonas sa bahay kaya lang noong second sem lumipat na rin sia sa ibang bahay. sa UST ako nagaral ng kursong pilosopiya. noong uno hindi ko alam ang pasikot sikot ng unibersidad, nakakaaliw, bagong mundo kaya tatang tanga pa ako. noon nga nagpapahatid pa ako kay jonas dahil sa takot maging magisa... oo noong mga panahong ito hindi pa ako sanay magisa, madalas nagpapasama pa ako sa ate kong pumunta ng mall, dahil bukod sa baka mawala ako, takot lang talaga akong mag isa.

pagpasok ko sa eskwela ang una kong naging kaibigan ay si garnet na pareho kong probinsyana, at iloka na rin, galing sia ng ilocos.at dito ay nagkaroon ako ng culture shok ng makasalamuha ko sila, pasantabi sa mga dati kong kaklase wala akong masamang ibig sabihin, ang akinh lang eh, iba't ibang personalidad kasi ang sumambulat sa akin. at dito ko nakilala ang mga taong cowboy at konti lang ang arte sa katawan, hindi tulad ng mga kaklase ko ng highschool. pagkalipas ng ilang araw doon ko na nakilala sila meg, ning, lyndon,father, at si nikki, at wag nating kalimutan ang ang artista daw na kaklaseng sil louie. ang gwapo nia, crush cia halos lahat nga mga kaklase ko pwere si meg na kahit obvious naman na naging crush nia ay hinid parin nia inaamin hanggang ngaun. sobrang kilig dahil pinahiram nia ako ng jacket nia nung giniginaw ako... at sympre inggit ang mga kklase kong babae. kinabukasan naubusan ng tagahanga si louie noong magsout sia ng civillian, pano para siang hinugot mula sa taong 1980 na bitin na pantalon at naka tuck in pa! at diyan nagtapos ang career ni louie sa buhay namin.

dito rin sa panahong ito nagkaroon ng gusto sa akin si lyndon ang kabarakada namin, eh dahil ayaw ko ng tinatalo iniwasan ko sia kahit na umiiyak sia, at gusto nia akong makausap, dahil sa kasamaang eto lumayo at nagalit ang una kong mga barkada sa kolehiyo. nagalit sila sa kasamaang ipinakita ko. hindi ko namn mapigil ang loob ko kung ganoon ang nararamdaman ko, kaya minabuti ko nalang din lumyo sa kanila pansamantala kahit kami ay nagkabatibati narin. at dito ko naging kaibigan sila jht, dhing at loi. at oo ako nanaman ang kaisaisang babae, at naging bago namang kaibigan ng mga dati kong kabarkada si grtechen.

sa mga panahong ito kami namulat sa kagandahan ng pilosopia, na naging obsesyin na namin, ito ang nakapagpabago sa karamihang mga pananaw namin sa buhay. at laking pasasalamat namin na dahil dito hindi na kami naging normal magisap hanggang ngaun.

2nd yr

second year college ako nang magasawa ang ate ko at namatay si rico yan, walang kinalaman si rico yan dito, naalala ko lang. at napilitan akong lumipat sa bahay nila tina dahil ayoko namanng magdorm. at dito ko naranasan ang pagka homesick. dito ko naramdaman ang unang tunay na kalungkutan, ng tuluyan na akong mahiwalay sa aking pamilya. at akala ko dito rin kami magiging close lalo ni tina ngunit salungat ang nangyari, kami ni chai ang bunso niang kapatid ang naging magkaibigan. hindi ko alam pero lumayo ang loob namin ni tina sa isa't isa, aminin man namin o hindi. sa panahong ito rin ako sumubok mag workshop, at kumanta sa music museum.

dito rin sa panahong ito dumami ang mga kaibigan ko dahil sumama ako sa politikal org nila jhet. naging masaya ang pagkakaibigan namain hanggang sa nagkagusto si loy sa akin at naging ganun rin ang kwento nia gaya ng kay lyndon. at dito na nagsimulang bumalik ang relasyon ko sa mga dati kong kabarkada.

dito sa panahong ito nagkakilanlan ang bawat isa sa section namin dahil sa duladulaan namin sa english. at dito nabuo ang magandang samahan naming magkakaklase.

3rd yr

dito na tumindi ang pagkakaibigan naming lahat, at halos nawala na ang paggugrupo grupo namin, at naging isa na kami. masaya dahil dito rin ako nagumpisang magsulat at magpinta uli. dahil cguro sa impluwensya ni mam guevara. at hindi lumaan naging magkaibigan kami.

sa panahong ito rin nakita ng mga kaklase ko ang kakayahan ko sa pamimilosopo na napili nila akong magdeliver ng isang proyekto sa philosophy congress kung saan lahat ng magagaling na unibersidad ay nagtipon tipon.

dito na rin nagbalik si nico, yung naikwento ko kanina na dati kong kaklaseng nagpunta sa states. pag punta nia dito talagang ilang na ilang talaga ako. tapos gusto nia pa akong makausap, sympre ang nasa isip ko parin eh sasabihin nia sa aking gustio nia ako. matagal baga nia ako nakumbinsing kausapin sia. hanggang sa nakapagusap na kami. at doon ko naranasan ang first heart break ko, ng sabihin niang ako ang ideal girl nia ngunit hindi pwede maging kami dahil... isa siang bading. iyak iyak iyak... at maramin pang iyak, hanggang hindi lumaoon pagbalik nia dito para magaral na ng kolehiyo ay napatawad ko na rin sia. hanggang sa napadalas na ang pagtulog ko sa bahay nila at doon ko na kilala si POM. at dito nagsimula ang maraming pagbabago sa buhay ko.

si pom sa buhay ko...

nung una crush crush at konting landian lang. hindi lumaon nagkagusto na nga kami sa sia't isa. at bago matapos ang school year, birthday ni charo january 17, 2004 naging kami. cia ang anang boyfriend ko, ang unang lalaki sa bhay ko.

ngunit tulad ng maraming magandang mga bagay kailangang matapos ng aming kwento.

pagkatapos ng aming kwento nagsimula naman ang kwento namin ni antz ang aking kapatid sa maraming paraan.

sa panahong ito rin tuluyang nagpaalam ang tatay ko. napakasakit dahil hindi ko akalaing sandaling panahon lang ang pinagsamahan namin, ngunit alam ko na balang araw magkikita rin kami uli.

4th year

ang huling taon ko sa kolehiyo na nagkaroon ng maraming kumplikasyon, ngunit tulad nga maraming bagyo lumipas rin ito. at tuluyan na kaming nagkahiwahiwalay ng aking mga kaklase.

bakasyon nito ng uno kong mapuntahan ang puerto galera kasama ni antz, at unang pagkakataon rin kung saan nadapa ako at pinilit bumangon para sa aking kinabukasan.

1st year lawschool

dito sinubok kung tuparin ang pangrap ng aking mga magulang at kapamilya para sa akin, ngunit sadyang hindi ako naging masaya. ngunit wala akong pagsisisi at hindi ako naghihinayang sa isang taong ginugul ko sa pagaaral ng law, dahil nakilala ko ang mga magagandang taong mamahalin ko habang buhay.

at dito ko rin nadanas ang pagkapahiya at sobrang takot sa harap ng guro. at sumali rin ako ng sorority. naging masaya ang aking buhay sa law school.

at ngayon susubukin ko ang buhay na gusto kong tahakin... hanggang dito nalang muna... :)

talambuhay 1

2006-06-05T13:30:00.000+03:00

nagbabasa ako ngaun ng stainless longganisa ni bob ong kaya siguro ako natuwang subukang magsulat sa tagalog... sinubukan ko kasi noong magsulat ng tula sa tagalog at lumabas na katawatawa. nagtry maging seryoso at madrama... wa epek naman! hehehe

ayun so hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan... ang dami kong gustong isulat... kaya lang yung iba dapat hidni mabasa ng ibang tao... kung sa bagay... wala naman sigurong masyadong nagbabasa ngaun... lalo na busy na ulit at malapit na ang pasukan... pero eto susubukan ko ng umpisahan...

preschool...

nung preschool ako ewan wala pa akong masyadong maalala, 3 years old palang kasi ako nung eh... puro lang kwento ng nanay ko... ang natatandaan ko lang eh yung paghugas ko ng kamay na natagalan dahil nakikipagkwentuhan ako sa kakalase ko... napagalitan tuloy kami ng teacher. anyway.... ayun nung nursery ako sabi ng nanay ko, syempre umpisa ng klase yung mga bata hindi sanay maiwan ng mgma nanay nila o yaya (sosyal kasi yung school ko kahit ganun yung pangalan... lahat daw halos ng mayayaman dun nagaaral... ewan ko nga kung bakit nasama ako dun eh) so ayun na nga syempre since hindi sanay maiwan ang mga kaclase ko naiiyakan daw sila... ako naman daw wala deadma lang... tapos nang sumunod na linggo syempre ok na yung mga kaklase ko sanay ng maiwan... cguro sa isip isip ko nun: aba it's my time to shine! kaya ako naman ang umiyak! (o dba bata palang ako papansin na... at ayaw makisabay sa uso!)

tapos nalipat ako sa ibang school kasi lumindol nun nasira yung tulay na nagdudugtong sa bundok namin as sa syudad. kaya ayan ewan cguro akala nila matalino ako hindi na nila ako pinagkindergarten, nag prep na agad ako! o dba?!

gradeschool...

ang pinakanaaalala ko eh noong grade3 ako huling taon ko na doon kasi sabi ng kuya ko ilipat na uli ako sa dati kong eskwelahan... kasi sa eskwelahan na yun pag recess pinapababa kami sa canteen at dun kami lahat dapat kumain ng meryenda... ewan ko ba... gumana ang katarantaduhan ko... pumunta ako sa classroom namin, tapos ang ginawa ko kinuha ko yung mga lapis nga pinakamalapit kong kaibigan para itago... tapos nagpunta na ako ng banyo... aba akalain nyo bang pagbalik ko nagkakagulo na sila kasi nawawala yung mga lapis... tapos sa isip isip ko nun... naku lagot na! ang dating eh ninenok ko yung lapis... sablay ang pinakauna kong practical joke... tsk... tsk... tsk...

at noon sa eskwelahan ding yon ang isa pa sa naaalala ko eh paborito ako nung advicer namin si Mrs. Irene Siapno... ewan cguro kasi ang cute cute ko nun, ang liit liit ko kasing bata tapos cute din talaga ako noon ewan ko nga ba bakit hindi na ngaun! lagi ngang ganun yung tanong nila sa akin pag tinitignana nila yung photo album namin eh. bad trip. 

elementary2...

ayan nakabalik na ako sa eskwelahan para sa mayayamang bata, pagbalik ko kinailangan kong magsummer kasi naman dun sa eskwelahang pinanggalingan ko walang geometry grade four pa ata magkakaroon ng ganung subject, kaya ayun napilitan akong pumasok kahit bakasyon. at dun ko nakilala ang kaibigan kong si jonas, pareho kaming lilipat sa eskwelahang yung, bagong salta kung baga... puro mga lalaki ang mga kaklase namin... mga mahihina ang utak kaya nga nagsasummer eh. tapos pagkatapos ng summer ayan pasukan na, pang hapon ang una kong eskedyul, noong una tahimik ako, sympre wala pa akong kilala nun, may batang nakikipagkaibigan sa akin, hindi ko maysadong pinansin, binigay ko lang yung pangalan, ewan nakakairita kasi eh pabibo! hinihintay ko si jonas yung kaibigan ko nung summer class, aba pagdating ng kaibigan ko, tanggal ng shades tapos biglang bagsak ng bag, asteeg diba ang anga. pero pagkatapos ng ilang araw inilipat na rin ako ng mga magulang ko sa pang umagang eskedyul kasi hindi naman daw pala ako malilate pag yun ang eskedyul ko. ayan so ang dami ko nga nakilalang mga bata, at doon ko nakilala ang bestfriend kong si tracy, meron pa kaming isang kaibigan si honsety kaya lang lumipat sia ng eskwelahan nung sumunod na taon kaya hindi na namin sia nakasama, pero oks lang yun sa akin, hindi ko sa masyadong gusto eh. tapos dun ko narin nakilala ang pinakauna kong crush, naku ang gwapo gwapo niang bata, kaya lang masyado siang gwapo para mapansin ako, karamihan ng mga crush ko noon eh naging kaibigan ko lang. at hindi pa masyadong masaklap ang dating ng ganong pangyayari sa akin kasi nga bata pa naman ako.

masaya naman ang naging buhay ko ng mga taong eto. puro lang laro at saya ang pinaggagagawa. bata kasi, naisip ko tuloy ang sarap balikan kasi hindi pa ganun karami ang pangangailangan ko, kung baga simple lang ang mga nakakapagpasaya sa akin noon, at hindi ko pa nadaranas ang matinding kalungkutan. ng mga panahong eto madalas kaming inaabot ng hapon se eskwelahan kasi nageensayo kaming sumyaw, o dba dancer pala ako noon. ayan ang aking elementary days... puro saya at laro.

highschool...

sa mga panahong ito unti unti ko nga nadidiskubre ang mga kalukohang kaya ko palang gawin. dito na yung natutu akong sumubok humithit ng yosi sa likd ng ospital sa tabi ng eskwelahan namin. at dito ko rin naranas kung paano malasing at magkaroon ng hang over pag gising mo sa umga. masakit pala talaga sa ulo. 

dito rin da panahong ito nabuo ang amin barkada na Star. marahil napangiti ka sa kakornihang yan pero wala akong pakialam, hindi rin naman kami ang may pakanang matawag nun eh, mga kaklase namin ang nagbinyag noon sa amin. marahil naitanung mo kung bakit star? star kasi kami daw ang pinaka sikat na mga bata sa school, paano nasa grupo na namin ang pinakamatalino, pinakamayaman, pinakamayabang, pinakabully, pinakamaingay, lahat na yata ng pinaka nasa amin, pwera na cguro ang pinakamaganda, nasa kabilang grupo sia sa Circle (circle of bitches) ayos lang kung maasar sila ang tawag naman nila sa amin eh FB feeling beautiful, kaya patas lang tau mga cra! bwahahaha! 

dito na rin nabuo ang walang kakwenta kwenta naming banda ng mga kaklase kong lalaki, oo 1 of the boys talaga ako noon pa. minsan nga ako ang dakilang yaya ng mga gaghong yan eh. andyan na yung pag heartbroken nanaman yung bestfriend kong lalaki nakahanda na ang ice na panggamot sa namamaga nyang kamao mula sa pag suntok sa pader, minsan ulo na inuumpog ni gago. sa mga panahong ito rin ako nagkaroon ng mga matitinding crush at love teka hindi ito totoong love, infatuation lang ika nga nila. karamihan ng nagusuhan ko eh mga naging malapit sa akin pero hindi sila kagapuhan eh... minsan nga natatawa nalang ako pag naaalala ko kasi wala pala akong taste! 

sa magitan ng mga panahong ito eh marami akong kagaguhang nagawa, hindi ko alam kung natural lang pero karamihan nga ng kabarkada ko mas malala pa sa akin, kaya cguro nga normal lang ang mga nagawa ko noon.

dito rin sa mga panahong ito kami nagkahiwalay ng landas ng matalik kong kaibigang si tracy nagkaroon sia ng ibang mga kaibigan at ganun rin naman ako, pero ayus lang bestfriends parin naman kami hanggang ngaun.

sa panahong ito rin ako nalibang sa pagsisilbi sia Diyos, lagi kaming nagpupunta sa mga retreat ng kaibigan kong si tina, madalad pa kaming magaway bago makarating doon. dito ko nakilala ang mga iba't ibang klase ng tao. dito na yung nasubukan kong matulog sa sahig, maligo sa maduming banyo, at dito ko rin naranasang magpunta sa BAcolod sakay ng Negros Navigation. ang saya dahil first time yun na lumakbay akong hindi ko kasama ang mga kaklase ko o kapamilya ko.

at highschool din 3rd to be exact noong una akong dinatnan ng mens, ako sa buong batch namin ang hindi pa dinaratnan noon kaya akala mo piyesta ng nakita nilang may tagos ang palda ko. ang mga kaklase ko eh nagsilabasan pa sa mga classroom nila para lang tuksuhin akong dalaga na ako. naging cheerleader din ako ng mga panahong ito, nakakahiya mang aminin ngunit oo naging cheerleader ako, ako yung mga pinagtatatapon nila sa ere kasi ako ang pinakamaliit sa batch namin. at syempre maraming galit sa akin noon ng mga bakla at cheerleader sa kakumpitnsya naming eskwelahan, meron yung minsan eh inaway ako ng mga bading, na hindi ko naman kilala, sympre dahil sa marami akong kaibigang nasa varsity noon nagsumbong ako, sinugod nila ang baklitang pumutok an butse, sinidak, kinabikasan hindi pumasok, nagkasakit sa takot. at dahil nga marami akong kaibigan sa varsity andiyan na rin yung napilitan silang ipasok yung crush ko sa 3rd year dahil pinilit ko sila.

sa huling taon ko sa highschool nagbalik ang dati naming kaklase, si nico, dati nung nasa elementary palang kami akala namin bakla sia kasi nasa kilos nia na mejo malambot, at lagi yang nagpapaiyak ng bata bully talaga kung bully. pinagaaway nia ang mga kaklase nia, iyan ay ilan lang sa mga kasamaang pinaggagawa nia. pumunta sia ng estados unidos pagkatapos ng graduation namin sa elemntary para ipagpatuloy ang pagaaral doon. nagbalik nga sia noong 4th year highschool kami, pero para lang bumisita. tandang tanda ko pa na nakita ko sia sa art room kung saan kasalukuyan kaming nagpipinta. dahil hindi ko naman sia naging kaklase naging hi hello at plastic na kamusta ka na ang naging usapan namin, hanggang sa lumaon naging close kami dahil kay tina,sila kasi yung magkaibigan noon pang elemntary. ayan na yung madalas na kaming magkasama, pero sympre kasama pa rin si tina. tapos naging madalas ang usapan namin sa fone, na pati ang kapatis niang babae eh naging katelebabad ko na rin. oo naging crush ko sia, pano ang gwapo bago sa paningin ko yung mahabang buhok, at mejo rugged ang datinf, may fashion statement kung baga, mga kaklase ko kasing lalaki noon basta lang mahal at detatak ayus na sa kanila. hanggang sa kinailangan na niang magpaalam dahil babalik na sia sa states para tapusin ang highschool, syempre lungkot na lungkot at iyak talaga ako ng iyak. pero pinangako naman namin sa isa't isa na araw araw kaming mageemail. kaya lang bago pa man sia nakarating sa states eh nabanggit na ng bestfriend niyang si genie na crush din daw nia ako, eh ang ugali ko noon na pag gusto ako ng crush ko ayaw ko na. at mula noon eh naging madalang na ang pagsusulatan namin. hanggang sa mabaling na ang aking atensyon sa isa pa naming kaklase, nagpacute sia sa akin, at gaya ng dati umyaw na ako nung naging crush nia ako. kaya buong highschool hindi ako nagkaroon ng boyfriend. 

pero bokud doon naging masaya talaga ang highschool, ang pagtutuklas ko nga mga bagaong bagay, bagang pagtritripan, baong hilig at bagong kalokohan.

random

2006-06-05T10:05:00.000+03:00

saying goodbye kills me a little (sometimes alot). you know what i realized it hurts more and it kills me more when i say goodbye to friends... especially to a sister. for the past few years death and leaving unfolded full blast. it gets tiring to deal with it sometimes.

i stumbled upon my old journals, way back in highschool. cute how i desperately wanted to know this thing they call love. funny to look back on those happy days... when all you care about is this stupid crush of yours and obsessing about it more and more. memories of young love... oh... young love, how less complicatd it was before.

now i am just typing away... without a special topic in my head...

hmmm... dear sister i will miss you a lot. bring all our good memories with you... in taiwan remember the special bond we have created. the friendship we call a miracle. i love you so much.

let's do it

2006-06-02T12:45:00.000+03:00

Track Title:               Let's Do It (Let's Fall In Love)
Album Title:               Cole Porter Songbook, disc 2

Prime Artist:              Ella Fitzgerald
Producer:                  Norman Granz
Written by:                Cole Porter       (C. Albert P.)
From the Show:             Paris  1928 (S)


Lyrics:
Birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

In Spain, the best upper sets do it
Lithuanians and Letts do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it
Not to mention the Fins
Folks in Siam do it - think of Siamese twins

Some Argentines, without means, do it
People say in Boston even beans do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Romantic sponges, they say, do it
Oysters down in oyster bay do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Cold Cape Cod clams, 'gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish, do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Electric eels I might add do it
Though it shocks em I know
Why ask if shad do it - Waiter bring me
"shad roe"

In shallow shoals English soles do it
Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love



In old Japan, all the Japs do it
Up in Lapland little Laps do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

The chimpanzees in the zoos do it
Some courageous kangaroos do it
Let's do it, let's
fall in love

I'm sure giraffes on the sly do it
Even eagles as they fly do it
Let's do it, let's fall
in love

Electric eels I might add do it
Though it shocks em I know
Why ask if shad do it - garcon de
"shad roe"

The world admits bears in pits do it
Even Pekingeses at the Ritz do it
Let's do it, let's
fall in love

The royal set sans regret did it
And they considered it fun
Marie Antoinette did it -
with or without Napoleon

Parliament pleasure bent did it
Mam'selles every time their short of rent

Cold Cape Cod clams, 'gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish, do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Electric eels I might add do it
Though it shocks em I know
Why ask if shad do it -
Waiter bring me "shad roe"

In shallow shoals English soles do it
Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Dragonflies in the reeds do it
Sentimental centipedes do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Mosquitos,
heaven forbid, do it
So does every katydid do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

The most refined ladybug do it
When a gentleman calls
Moth in your rugs do it
What on earth, what's the use of balls?

The locusts in the trees do it
Why, even the bees do it
Even over-educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

The chimpanzees in the zoo do it
Some courageous kangaroos do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

I'm sure the giraffes on the sly do it
Heavy hippopotami do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Sloths who hang down from the twigs do it
Though the effort is great
Sweet guineapigs do it
Buy a couple and wait

The world admits bears in pits do it
Even Pekingeses in the Ritz do it
Let's do it,
let's fall in love

--after watching de-lovely...
it's a very funny and cute way of saying...
"yes... why not? let's all fall in love!

blue

2006-05-31T11:01:00.000+03:00

in retrospect it was pure bliss... now it is blue...

failure

2006-05-31T10:10:00.000+03:00

how does it feel when you finally get the courage to do what your heart desires, and then you fail since you lack the talent?

lesson:passion is not enough

mommy

2006-05-16T21:23:00.000+03:00

in your arms i have found my refuge.
i love you so much mommy!

i will miss you

2006-05-16T11:16:00.000+03:00

dear angel

i will miss you so...
there are no words...
only tears for now...
feel my love no matter what...

love
the mermaid under the dark ocean waves

dear sister... and so we're back to the blank pages of our screen... into the first world we shared... what an unending cycle of becoming! i love you so much!

long day

2006-05-09T23:56:00.000+03:00

saw caisa (premonition #1)
took my exam (hope i'd pass)
waited for ricci, by myself
lunch
lost ring-f.wilson (premonition #2)
ate lorie hallucinating she saw pom (premonition #3)
went to g4 to watch aquamarine (then saw pom) yeah what a surprise! texted everyone, stood up to talk to antz, bumped the two girls seated beside me, and the guy infront, shaking like crazy, hyperventilation, cold front seat plus the spot light, his friends curious glances, almost graceful exit)
waited for antz, by myself
waited for antz, by myself
drank hot and cold smoothie (yum!)
met her friends
had a very cold conversation
release, release, release
antz place
ate lorie over the fone
tired na :) (deep sigh)

i'll write about this very interesting day... next time

i bought her flowers

2006-05-09T01:30:00.000+03:00

It was 3 in the afternoon, e fell asleep while reading my law books, and suddenly I was awakened by a phone call. From the other end of the line I heard a broken voice, threatening to pour out into a storm of sobs, I could not believe what I heard and so I started asking questions, and I heard my voice grow louder and louder (in my desperation, maybe I was shouting at Him, hoping He can give me some answers). After I put down the phone, my hands were shaking like crazy, and I needed air so I opened my back door to grasp some air, I needed that, from the fear of getting suffocated. I dialed a number, and then it was my turn to pour out my sobs, eternal sobs. The voice on the other end of the line told me to breathe, but I can’t seem to follow her instruction, how can I, how can you breathe after receiving such news?

I went out of the house, straight to the flower shop, I wanted to surprise her, so I bought her I bouquet, I can’t wait to see her smile when she sees them, she always wanted flowers, I gave her one along time ago, and it made her happy.

As soon as I got home, our friends started calling me, they kept on asking the same questions I did a while ago. So I kept on answering them, not quite sure if I had the answers, but in my desperation to understand what was happening, I tried to answer them, in the hope of answering my questions as well.

After my friends have gathered on my bed, I cooked dinner for them, they bought beer, it was a feast, and it was a celebration perhaps, of what, I don’t know either. We were all caught up in frenzy so immense we could barely feel anything. We just stayed together, for strength perhaps, we talked, we smiled, we laughed until we cried, I cried until I can no longer contain it that they had to embrace me to let me feel the love I was losing.

After a doze of beer and pretentious strength we went inside the car, the lights seemed dimmer, the night seemed colder, and our hearts seemed to beat faster, but our bodies felt weaker.

As we reached our destination, we climbed the stairs, it was eerie and cold, it was as if the cold breeze sucked out the life out of us. And as soon as we reached the door, wry coldness welcomed us.

I embraced her mom, then her dad, as a sign of respect. I had to be strong for them, so I had let go.

And then I saw her, with her funny green dress (I am sure she didn’t like). She was wearing a pink fuchsia lipstick, (I think it looked great on her). Then I gave her the flowers, I am pretty sure it made her smile.

Then suddenly it was a blur, everything around me seemed so blasé.

I felt cold, inside. Then I hugged her, but I can no longer feel her warm cozy body. She was so near that I could smell her breath but the cold glass between us no longer allowed us to intertwine.

">

wandering Alone... and happy

2006-05-08T21:36:00.000+03:00

UP

i went to UP a week ago to fix something. i was tempted to eat kwek kwek and chicken balls so i caved in, 2 guys were there eating as well. funny cause the other guy was making fun with how much his friend already ate. then i looked at what i was eating (hey! why make a big deal if me and your friend had more than 2 sets of kwek kwek and chicken balls!) after eating i bought yosi for me to puff while walking alone. then i decided to eat isaw, at first the idea of eating isaw alone didnt bother me, but as soon as i got there i wanted to back out cause everybody brought a peer group, but no! the isaw was way tempting than the stigma of being alone! hahaha. so i stood there in front of the trashbag (i had no place to go, i was alone remeber) so i just settled there in that tiny space, happily eating my isaw.

cafe by the ruins (565)

my brother asked me to go to Baguio with them and so i did. i was so excited by the idea of having a cup of tea and camote bread inside that cafe, while reading a book. so the following day, after enjoying a very very cold bath i went out, hailed a cab and went straight to chuntug. i ordered ruins herbal tea (i love the bittersweet lemony taste, you should try it). and so the waiter hurridly served ONE teapot, and TWO teacups. (im still wondering why he gave me 2!) but i didnt say anything, i politely told him to take away the other teacup cause i was alone.

hmmm... being alone, when i come to the realization that i am alone mixed emotions automatically come rushing, it is fun but sometimes, when i get tired with my "independent woman" facade i can't help but feel sad, then i would start wishing to be with somone, but after letting my thoughts wander, i again realize that it is indeed by fate and by choice to be alone. (i dont need to explain further, i just know.) :)

goodbye

2006-04-23T16:20:00.000+03:00

i'll turn my back on the past... to embrace the future... it is my choice... goodbye.

home

2006-04-23T15:42:00.000+03:00

puerto galera
hundred islandsbolinao

happy feet

2006-04-23T15:35:00.000+03:00

these feet i shared my steps with to reach Homewaves
star
antz
amma nyx

yesterday

2006-03-26T23:58:00.000+02:00

">yesterday was hmmm... quite ok...

after our sem2 exam, father pio asked me if i wanted to confess... so i said father im still not prepared can we just do this on monday, but he insisted and he said... "para lang tayong magkkwentuhan"
actually it was my first time to confess to a really close-priest-friend. so i was at first hesitant to confess, cause that would mean that i'd tell him everything... and i mean EVERYTHING. it was a very casual conversation, it didnt feel like i was confessing my sins, it just felt like i was talking lightly with my "lolo" (i love you father pio). it was really nice, i was able to pour out all the things i hid, and it was very enlightening, cause father was trying to explain, he was trying to make me understand things i didn't quite understand... enough self pity, it doesnt help... thank you father so much father. i will vist you soon.

before i went to tina's grad dinner, i had i fight with my friends... :( sigh i dont wanna talk about it.

but after all the drama, nyx,sar n joe went over my place, we drank rum coke(the cheapest way to get drunk) had our talks before sleep... philo shit, which made saree sleep, and ----------- stories hehehe... we will never get over her! :)

i miss my girls

2006-03-23T01:25:00.000+02:00

sometimes it hurts to see your smile on a paper,
stillness captured and trapped into an apathetic space
where your memory lingers but vividness fades...

somtimes it hurts to see your smile,
not only does it melt my heart
but breaks it to so many pieces
untile numbness succumbs the space it left...

sometimes it hurts to think of you...

missing you every single day
 your warm embrace
 i miss cuddling you.
 i miss you so much.
 much love from the mermaid under the dark ocean waves
 

you don't bring me flowers

2006-03-22T16:53:00.000+02:00

You don't bring me flowers
You don't sing me love songs
You hardly talk to me anymore
When you come through the door
At the end of the day

I remember when
You couldn't wait to love me
Used to hate to leave me

Now after lovin' me late at night
When it's good for you
And you're feeling alright
Well, you just roll over
And you turn out the light

You don't bring me flowers anymore

It used to be so natural
To talk about forever
But 'used to be's' don't count anymore
They just lay on the floor
'Til we sweep them away

And baby, I remember
All the things you taught me
I learned how to laugh
And I learned how to cry
Well I learned how to love
Even learned how to lie

You'd think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
'Cause you don't bring me flowers
Anymore

Well, you'd think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
'Cause you don't bring me flowers
Anymore    

barbara streisand and neil diamond

But 'used to be's' don't count anymore
They just lay on the floor
'Til we sweep them away

--sad to realize that some things have to end.
sometimes you desperately need to remember evrything, so that even in make believe you can still feel what you have had, and what was there yesterday.
sad to think that when you remember, the memories you had just feels like a dream... and you try to ask... was there ever a time all of this were true... :,(

until we meet again...

2006-03-22T02:45:00.000+02:00

As I type, a gaping hole steers my chest in a sway that makes me so numb it hurts. You don't say goodbye to friends. You tell them you'll see them soon, or that they should take care of themselves, or that they sleep tight or have sweet dreams. You don't say goodbye to friends.

-from my friend Carlos Dominguez

hmmm... as i think of words to type down, just to describe what i am feeling right now, it sinks deeper,. it becomes a concrete truth... the truth about saying goodbye and letting go.

i have realized that a year in lawschool wasn't a waste after all. i have grown more, and i've learned to appreciate love more. i always say that i am excited to fall in love and break my heart, cause i believe that i write better when i have such an emotion. i thought that only a relationship with someone, a man to be exact is the only relationship that could break my heart. but i was wrong, i was wrong.... i've realized that you can also fall in love with friends. i fell in love with you guys. and it hurts to think that i can count through my figners the days left... we are about to begin a new chapter in our lives, and i am sad because i know that we have to go our own separate ways, we have different dreams to fulfill. all i know is that i will miss seeing you in class, chatting while reading those gigantic books, drinking coffee while attempting to have a mastery of the law. hmmm... and it gets heavier still.

i want you to know that you have become a very big part of my life,. thank you for being my source of strength when i feel like giving up, for boosting my ego whenever lawshcool steps on my head. the tears, the laughters will always be remembered. the beer and the pinapple juice will always bring back the memories we've shared. i will miss seeing you struggling to stay up late just to finish whatever it is we need to accomplish. i will miss being friends with you intelligent girls. thank you for welcoming me into your group.

ren: my drinking buddy. i will miss reminding you to suck your stomach in! and i admire your way of handling things, i hope you could pass that on to me :) i will miss hearing your crazy (sometimes vulgar) questions, in time you yourself would be able to answer them, just with the right person ok? thank you for your straight forward opinions, sometimes your bitch slapping comments really help. those foodtrips at my place. i will miss you ren. thank you for the love and care you've shown and given me. i will miss you stoic girl.

abby: the meanest girl (hehehe) thank you so much for unfolding the real you. i hope you'd consider me as a friend. cause that would really mean alot to me. i hope you know what i mean. thank you for always reminding us that we have to be responsible and of course kind, at times when we sulk into drifting apart from the real world. i will miss your "inhaling" giggles, i will miss your new pants and your expensive (U2) jacket. you are a living proof that not all women are the same. (hahaha for crying out loud) i just wish you'd be able to find the right man, the ultimate love perhaps. don't forget to invite me to your wedding and your first baby's baptism... ok? im really excited to see you with a husband and a big belly (not like ren's of course) but a belly with a baby. learning is fun.... that's one thing i've learned from you... and we should continue to make it as our mantra to achieve excellence.. right?

ice: i will miss our episodes! i will miss being strong for you, and telling you things, i myself sometimes fail to follow. those spur of the moment trips we make, making new memories from the "ex-infested" areas. those food trips, the up trips. i will miss our shopping sprees together. thank you so much for all the laughter and tears in time we will discover real truth and beauty. just be strong, you are on the right track, i wish in time you'd be able to solve all your issues in life.... find yourself a prince, you deserve someone better. im sure of that. i love you so much. the free rides, sigh the list goes on i guess what im trying to say is that im gonna miss being a part of your daily life. i will miss pushing you to go to class, or making you cry because of my ghost stories. ice sobrang thank you sa lahat lahat... mahal na mahal kita... :)

girls, take care ok... God Bless you always...

friends don't say goodbye... they say.... until we meet again.... (bittersweet)